For the armchair-therapist Dwellars

[anonymous]

I've been considering going to a therapist again, but 1.) I hate therapists and 2.) the only thing I'd really want from the experience is to say out loud a thing I don't dare tell anyone IRL, and hell, I have that here for free. (And believe me, I'm fully aware that number 1 is a stereotypical complaint, and is precisely the attitude that makes me need to see a therapist, blah blah blah. But look, I have respect for the concept of what they do, and a skilled one can be great for some people. It's just that I'm smarter than 99% of them and can see what they're doing a mile away. I can't stop myself from thinking, "Well if I answer this way she'll think X, and if I answer that way she'll think Y, so what's the image I want to portray in this moment?" The last (and only) time I did a stint with one, she wanted me to make a "safe place" in my mind, and create a mantra, and all of that bullshit, and I even did it because obviously my shit wasn't working so let's be humble and try her shit -- but her shit worked even less, the only thing that worked was time and the eventual elimination of my actual problem. Oh, and also she really obviously felt it was her job to coax me into divorcing my husband, which I did not want and would have objectively made my problems much worse, not better. Every time she tried to not-subtly prod me on those issues, I gave her some sage, concise answer she was not expecting, and basically ended up giving therapy to her on why her own divorce didn't need to go down the way it had. Every therapist I've ever met has been divorced at least once, by the way.

Anyway. The point is I'm going to unburden without a copay, and tell y'all some stuff. Better get out now if you don't want to hear me whine.

First, I have an irrational fear of mental illness. Second, it's not really irrational, because it's becoming kind of clear that it's an issue for me.

As to the first, my quasi-stepmother (dad never married her, but she was a massive part of our lives for upwards of 4 years) was bipolar, and my dad ultimately decided he couldn't cope with it despite being, to this day, deeply in love with her. So obviously there are clear abandonment associations there. But also, it's just a fact that nobody trusts the crazy person. They may like the crazy person, consider them very-talented-despite or even extra-talented-because-of their craziness, but at the end of the day the one thing the crazy person can never be is reliable, and I put a high value on reliability. On top of that, some mental illnesses -- say, bipolar disorder -- can make you think things that are objectively, confirmably untrue. I also put a high value on objectivity and rationality.

Now, as to the second, the real meat of the post: I have partial temporal lobe epilepsy, first confirmed by EEGs a decade and a half ago. There are weirdly specific symptoms that commonly go hand-in-hand with this, like hypergraphia (e.g. my 6-inch stack of notebooks detailing my children's daily medical symptoms over the course of 7 years, or the fact that in the beginning I wrote down every instance of my seizures in order to be helpful to the neurologist, which he laughingly said told him all he needed to know about what part of the brain my seizures were occurring in.) Another common symptom of TLE is cyclothymia, which is like bipolar-lite. You go up and down and up and down, but the sine wave is more frequent than the classically bipolar, and neither up nor down is so extreme that it's destructive to your life. Mostly it just makes you super productive, and sad a lot. You may do a 10-hour task in 4 hours when you're manic, but you never spend $30,000 for no reason; you may wander through life with a permanent smiling depression, but you never go numb and can't get out of bed in the morning. This describes my life to a T, and I'm fine with it, actually kind of like it. It makes me good at stuff, and it's manageable.

But one of the other weirdly specific symptoms that goes along with temporal lobe epilepsy is hyperreligiosity. It doesn't have to be associated with any particular religion, and often just manifests as a general sense of "one-ness with the universe." In extreme cases it escalates into straight-up hallucinations of angels and such during a seizure, and in fact the association is so well-documented that most holy orders won't allow you to become a nun if you've ever been diagnosed with TLE. The slight way this has manifested for me is in an occasional feeling of predictability about the future. Not on a daily basis, but there have been a handful of occasions in my life where I just knew that a certain very unlikely thing would happen. And often enough, it does. And of course I forget the times it didn't, because confirmation bias is a hell of a drug. But awhile back, I had a dream and then woke up with a related conviction that a particular astronomically-unlikely-but-technically-not-impossible thing would happen on a very specific date over a year away. And I just lived with that knowledge for a whole year, the rational part of me knowing it was stupid and not going to happen, but absolutely unable to shake the calm certainty that it would, and that when it did it wouldn't even be surprising or exciting because I already knew, like a Christmas present you've peeped at early. Casual thoughts about it leaked ito my head on a near-daily basis, not obsessing, just always being aware that it was coming.

Then, for unrelated (but actually maybe not) reasons, I had to up my anti-seizure meds. And boom, overnight, the conviction was gone. Just as suddenly as I'd woken up believing it was true, I woke up knowing it was not true. Four months later, the date came, and of course it didn't happen, and it wasn't even disappointing, because duh. The thing is, I missed the belief. It made me feel happy to anticipate it, and I'm sure that if I hadn't made the conviction go away with real drugs, the drug of confirmation bias would have made me forget about it far more cleanly than now. Because now, I am completely unable to forget it. My brain maintained a ridiculous "psychic" anticipation for a full year, stronger and longer than anything I've ever been convinced of before, and this is really disturbing to me. I'm terrified that this is creeping towards bipolar-level hallucinations. The medication I'm on is in fact used off-label to treat bipolar disorders with such frequency that doctors are almost surprised to learn that I take my anti-convulsant for actual convulsions. Except, maybe I kind of don't. Apparently.

I really, really don't want this to escalate with age, as mental illness often does. I am in zero danger of stopping my meds, which is good, but not the point. I am terrified of being the crazy person, successfully medicated or not. And unlike all the other problems I generally overcome with force and ingenuity, there's not a damn thing I can do about this one. Have I mentioned I also put a high value on control?

Anyway, that's me spewing all over the floor for free. Mostly I just needed to say it, but if anyone happens to have any advice that doesn't start with "think of your fondest memory," I'm happy to hear it.

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by anonymous

... It's just that I'm smarter than 99% of them and can see what they're doing a mile away. ...

I'm in the 1% that's smarter than you; but, I have to go out and mow the lawn now. During the meantime, create a dangerous place in your mind. Put the thoughts you don't like in it and think of a door closing. Always remember and never forget, you get what you pay for.

[limey]

Originally Posted by anonymous

... "Well if I answer this way she'll think X, and if I answer that way she'll think Y, so what's the image I want to portray in this moment?" ...

This may seem glib, and addresses only one point, but why not answer with "the 'true' answer" of what you are actually feeling at that point, rather than analysing what might happen with this or that answer and then picking one? Which, of course, is asking you to give up control. But if you choose to do that, aren't you still in control - choosing not to be?

[Gravdigr]

Have the lambs stopped screaming, Clarice?

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by limey

This may seem glib, and addresses only one point, but why not answer with "the 'true' answer" of what you are actually feeling at that point, rather than analysing what might happen with this or that answer and then picking one? Which, of course, is asking you to give up control. But if you choose to do that, aren't you still in control - choosing not to be?

I have to second this. I will say that it helps a lot if you respect your therapist even if you are way smarter than them. And it doesn't hurt if you decide you are ready to accept help graciously. That said, you may go to a lot of intake interviews before you find the foot that fits the shoe, so to speak.

[anonymous]

Originally Posted by limey

This may seem glib, and addresses only one point, but why not answer with "the 'true' answer" of what you are actually feeling at that point, rather than analysing what might happen with this or that answer and then picking one? Which, of course, is asking you to give up control. But if you choose to do that, aren't you still in control - choosing not to be?

I think mostly because I know the "truth" is really fickle for me, to the point of Heisenberg uncertainty. Name literally any emotion in response to a subject, and I can see how part of me feels that way. The moment I consider whether I feel sad about a thing, I can no longer differentiate what it would feel like to be sad about that, and what it does feel like to be sad about it. Yes, it's legitimate to feel multiple things at the same time, but feeling everything all the time is not helpful information.

Like you guys remember when my cousin got horribly attacked earlier this year? It was super upsetting, and I definitely felt upset. Also, literally 3 hours after I heard the news, I made a straight-up joke about him getting stabbed in the neck. And also I was crying. And also I laughed. And also I was irritated, like "great, now we're going to have to drag this uncertainty and worry out for months of recovery, I hope he just dies now to get it over with." And also I was guilty for thinking that. And also I didn't really feel conflicted about any of these things, because I knew none of it mattered, I still had to cook dinner that night. Sorting out my feelings has always been a colossal waste of time for me, because the answer is always, "yes, I feel that. Now get back to work."

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

I will say that it helps a lot if you respect your therapist even if you are way smarter than them. And it doesn't hurt if you decide you are ready to accept help graciously. That said, you may go to a lot of intake interviews before you find the foot that fits the shoe, so to speak.

I know. And I really did try last time. Like I said, I made a happy place, I did all the exercises she told me to do, genuinely gave all of it the old college try for 9 straight months. And I'm more than willing to accept that others are better at it than she was. But the idea of multiple intake interviews exhausts me so much--I typed all that out, and now I have to recite some version of it again and again, for a dozen different people? I'd rather just live with my problems.

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by anonymous

... I'd rather just live with my problems.

OK; but, if you decide to run amok let us know and we'll tell you what to wear.

[BigV]

Originally Posted by anonymous

I think mostly because I know the "truth" is really fickle for me, to the point of Heisenberg uncertainty. Name literally any emotion in response to a subject, and I can see how part of me feels that way. The moment I consider whether I feel sad about a thing, I can no longer differentiate what it would feel like to be sad about that, and what it does feel like to be sad about it. Yes, it's legitimate to feel multiple things at the same time, but feeling everything all the time is not helpful information.

--snip

First off, I'm not a therapist. You know that of course, but you also know I'm your friend. I don't know if you're "smarter" than me, probably not important in this context. Anyway....

I, too, wish to say that finding a therapist (or an outlet, like this even) is worth the effort. It's impossible to overstate the value of connecting with such an outlet. I don't know what outlet that is for you, or what therapist that is for you. But as for the difficulty of accepting the premise that the person you're "unburdening" yourself to is legit/worthy/smart/astute enough to trust with your answer that you quickly review which response you wish to elicit and choose your answer accordingly, I'd say that the answer I quoted here is a perfectly good one to give. It's true, it's valid. Sure, it's complicated and conflicted (how apropos). Give that answer, or whatever other complex contradictory answer you *do* have and see what happens.

It *is* actually telling the truth and gives the listener (like us, or like the next therapist) good, real stuff to work with. This is especially helpful for those of us that aren't smarter than you. We need all the help we can get.

Look at the result you got from giving a similarly shaped input to a pro in another field when you produced your handbooks of hypergraphia. It worked.


There's more, but I'll stop here for now.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by anonymous

I

Like you guys remember when my cousin got horribly attacked earlier this year? It was super upsetting, and I definitely felt upset. Also, literally 3 hours after I heard the news, I made a straight-up joke about him getting stabbed in the neck. And also I was crying. And also I laughed. And also I was irritated, like "great, now we're going to have to drag this uncertainty and worry out for months of recovery, I hope he just dies now to get it over with." And also I was guilty for thinking that. And also I didn't really feel conflicted about any of these things, because I knew none of it mattered, I still had to cook dinner that night. Sorting out my feelings has always been a colossal waste of time for me, because the answer is always, "yes, I feel that. Now get back to work."



I know. And I really did try last time. Like I said, I made a happy place, I did all the exercises she told me to do, genuinely gave all of it the old college try for 9 straight months. And I'm more than willing to accept that others are better at it than she was. But the idea of multiple intake interviews exhausts me so much--I typed all that out, and now I have to recite some version of it again and again, for a dozen different people? I'd rather just live with my problems.

As for feeling multiple, disparate feelings simultaneously, that is apparently normal. I think a lot of people are too uncomfortable with the so-called dark aspects of their psyches to cop to it, but all of us can feel opposing emotions at the same time.

Another route apart from endless intake interviews is to decide what sort of therapy would work for you. Maybe not Freudian analysis but Cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy, or Jungian analysis. Choosing a therapeutic mode (talking to people who have or are engaged in it) would get you a few steps closer.

[lumberjim]

Well this is a huge intellectual boner killer.



Do you have a vertical forehead wrinkle?



Its ok. I love you just the way you are.


I can't help you because you're smarter than I am. I thought you were jinx until you referred to a step mother.


I think maybe if you drink more, you won't have to think so much. Too much thinking. That's the problem.

[anonymous]

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

I think a lot of people are too uncomfortable with the so-called dark aspects of their psyches to cop to it

This is an interesting spin on it. I'll cop to anything, anywhere, preferably with an audience watching (as long as it affects just me, hence the slight distance of the anonymous account to protect the folks I love, but no need to hide who I am from you guys who know me.) I don't know if it's true, but it makes me feel better to think that I'm not weird, they're just all cowards.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Well this is a huge intellectual boner killer.

No one can escape the hot/crazy line. The funny thing is, lots of people don't find me hot, but they also don't find me crazy, just annoying. I think the line is completely subjective, but still holds its slope regardless.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Do you have a vertical forehead wrinkle?

More like one and a half. Give me another decade and it will be two, for sure.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I can't help you because you're smarter than I am.

I'm surprised how many of you have latched onto this part of it. Everyone else in this thread is smarter than 99% of therapists, too. The smart people in that field take the extra step and get the psychiatry degree, they don't tend to hang out in the "two-year certification" counseling careers.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I think maybe if you drink more, you won't have to think so much. Too much thinking. That's the problem.

I basically don't drink at all. Just once every couple of months, with one particular friend who needs to drink because her life is pretty shitty, so I do it for her. Dad's an alcoholic though, so probably going to stay away from that slippery slope.

[Big Sarge]

I've pretty much accepted I am bat shit crazy and I no longer attempt to conceal it from family or society. It is such a relief. I deal with things the best I can. BTW, I see the ghosts of friends who died in Iraq when I am under stress and I know they are hallucinations, but they bring me comfort so why try to stop seeing them?

[Griff]

Originally Posted by anonymous

I think mostly because I know the "truth" is really fickle for me, to the point of Heisenberg uncertainty. Name literally any emotion in response to a subject, and I can see how part of me feels that way. The moment I consider whether I feel sad about a thing, I can no longer differentiate what it would feel like to be sad about that, and what it does feel like to be sad about it. Yes, it's legitimate to feel multiple things at the same time, but feeling everything all the time is not helpful information.

I get caught up in the how should I feel about stuff occasionally. It usually happens around death. I have more emotional turmoil around other peoples reactions than the death itself, because the dead guy is dead and could give a shit but the live ones are trying to understand death inside their own, often weird, belief systems. It may be worse because I tried so hard to believe other peoples truths for so long.

So yeah, stop living in your head so much. Go do something that forces you to be present. Since you are not nuts yet, you have the opportunity to wire your own brain so wire it to focus on the now.

[footfootfoot]

Orgasms.

Orgasms make everything better, they are the body's natural mellowing agent. Second only to ketchup.

[glatt]

Yeah. The feeling multiple emotional reactions at the same time thing is something I experience too. You described it pretty much exactly the way it is for me. Usually, I'll know how I'm supposed to feel, and so I decide to focus on that emotion. Sometimes I surprise myself and have a single strong appropriate emotion, but it's fairly rare.

I'm not a control freak. At all. So my advice would come from that perspective and probably won't resonate with you. Just let it be. Don't sweat it. Some stuff you can't control. Focus on the stuff you can. It's easier.