Need advice re woman at his work

lillypilly7 · 08-04-2006, 02:29 AM

Hi I'm new here. I've been reading the posts and enjoying the advice and shared confidences. I hope someone can help with mine

(. Here goes. Sorry its a bit long.

The background:
My fiance has a woman at work he is more than friendly with. At work she treats him like a partner and it seems vice versa, he takes her to lunch (and then pretends it was his boss - who is his best friend - who invited the 2 of them) and they share confidences and secrets. I'm sure he shares his relationship problems with her. At social functions she (and probably he) always puts his seat next to hers. She does the doe-eyed thing standing 2 inches from his chin when I'm standing next to him..They plan bbq menus for work functions (they have a lot of 'team' social functions) and then he brings home her salad platters to wash in our kitchen.Photos of our new block of land downloaded from his phone to computer accidentally also downloaded smilinggg close up face photos of her at the pub. I didn't even know he'd been there. His 'recently opened documents were all work-related except for a photo of ...u guessed it...her! I deleted it and didn't say anything - he has many copies anyway on other puters and drives.etc U get the picture?

He 'explained' all of this away...gets angry and looks totally furious and frustrated, says 'why am I here then?'. It all makes me feel sick. He still does all of these things with her and just avoids telling me, hides receipts (for lunches and drinks), emails, his phone etc etc. He is in charge of the ten pin bowling work function, he had to arrange the teams, I asked who was in his team, he 'couldnt remember (oh yeah?). I am very hurt by her continued presence in his day and his lack of consideration of my feelings.

We were supposed to go on a free houseboat weekend with her and her partner (yes she is married but her husband is very insipid and odd, and they seem very distant from each other) - I said I could stomach an evening event but not being stuck a whole weekend. He hit the roof and was going to leave me again. We ended up being interstate and so couldnt go anyway, thank goodness.

The current situation: My fiance now has a 25 years of employment special dinner,he is now a member of the honored Quarter Century Club at work. He has to invite 10 people to a free dinner, which must include his boss. He can choose the others. He only works in a small team of around 5 including herrrr plus some lesser familiar workers at other venues.

Should I put my foot down and tell him not to invite her? Should I say you can invite her but the engagement is off? Should I say nothing (the pain would be unbearable). Either way the whole thing is doomed. There will be a huge scene and he will leave me. I am miserable. I don't want to spoil his dinner but I want him to show me that I am more important to him than her and this is my chance to find out for sure.

I will probably get kicked off for such a long post but I am desperate for advice.

Fingers crossed,

Jill.

WabUfvot5 · 08-04-2006, 03:03 AM

Unless he's not planning to invite all five team members you'd give him very easy justification to be angry. It would look bad to the rest of the team / boss and make you seem very jealous (no matter how justified). There is certainly a problem but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pick your battles wisely.

DucksNuts · 08-04-2006, 03:35 AM

I'm so the last person to give advice on relationships ...trust me, but I really do feel your pain luvie.

Look - I dont think you can put your foot down here unless you want to nail that coffin lid shut on your engagement. It will look reeaaallly bad if he invites everyone else and not *her* and his boss will probably wonder what is going on too....it just doesnt seem the right environment to do the stand off because he has too much justification behind his motives for inviting her.

What kind of person is she around other people/guys?

See, I'm that flirty type anyways, so girls often think I am *after their men* when I really am not. I'm just being me and sometimes my friendliness is mistaken for interest when its harmless. I'm that icky touchy type and am trying to learn that guys take it the wrong way and girls REALLY take it the wrong way.

When you guys have spoken about this in the past, has it been open/relaxed or the heated type?

Bet you feel like kicking her in the shins when she does the doe-eyed thing whilst you are there, I would

Good luck Jill, you sound like you really love this guy and I wish you all the best

oh and welcome!!

Griff · 08-04-2006, 05:55 AM

If she is also a long time employee, you are probably looking at a long term relationship with this woman. Is he worth it?

Ibby · 08-04-2006, 06:19 AM

Unless this guy is a real Prince Charming, a real perfect dude, I say lose him. Griff is right. I say tell him 'go right ahead and invite her, but if you do, I'm gone'. If you think something's going on, something probably is, and I'm sure you deserve better.

Sundae · 08-04-2006, 07:49 AM

Hey Lilly

What a sickening situation to be in. I have also felt the bite of jealousy, and it is probably the most debilitating of all emotions. So you truly have my sympathy.

Some questions to clarify:

Who did he know first, you or her? I appreciate you need to feel more important than a work colleague, but was their "relationship" established before you came on the scene?

Have you felt jealousy in previous relationships? It does sound justified to me, but then I'm quite possessive myself and need to know I'm number 1 in a partner's life. Could it be you have worked yourself up to fever pitch and he is hiding things from you because you now have a hair trigger as far as she is concerned?

I really don't think you can tell him not to invite her to this dinner, but would you be able to swing it so that she wasn't seated close to him? I know 10 isn't a large table but surely you can sideline her to an extent?

The bottom line, sadly, is your fiancee doesn't want to stop seeing this woman. He gets pleasure from her company and rightly or wrongly is part of his life. Like Griff & Ibram say, it's going to be your choice as to how this affects your long term relationship with him. Take a deep breath and really examine your feelings. Good luck.

glatt · 08-04-2006, 08:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lillypilly7

he takes her to lunch (and then pretends it was his boss - who is his best friend - who invited the 2 of them)
...
Photos of our new block of land downloaded from his phone to computer accidentally also downloaded smilinggg close up face photos of her at the pub. I didn't even know he'd been there. His 'recently opened documents were all work-related except for a photo of ...u guessed it...her! I deleted it and didn't say anything - he has many copies anyway on other puters and drives.etc U get the picture?

...

He hit the roof and was going to leave me again.

OK, so he's going out to restaurants and pubs with other women and trying to deceive you about it. You don't trust him, so you are snooping around his computer files. You two have a history of breaking up and getting back together again.

The party is the least of your concerns. Don't marry him. Get out of this relationship before it's too late and you are stuck in a bad marriage.

How much clearer do you need it spelled out? You two are a bad fit for each other. Don't get married.

I'm sorry that this is not what you want to be hearing. In fact, I think you will dismiss it out of hand, so I will say it again so it will sink in.

DON'T MARRY THIS GUY.

Trilby · 08-04-2006, 11:03 AM

Ditto. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He gets reallly 'furious' when you question him about questionable things? That's a classic move--designed to throw you off, think you're crazy and intimidate you. "Why am I here then?" indeed! Coz he likes having many, many women and he always will. He'll NEVER change, baby. Dump him. I dated a man who was constitutionally incapable of keeping it in his pants--the man had women in six counties, I kid you not. He got married, too (needed someone to look after his house and his kid by wife #1) but still messed around with as many as he could. When his wife confronted him, he acted like he was having a heart attack-how COULD she! Etc, etc. It's been years since I knew him but ya know what? Every six months or so he shows up on my doorstep, wondering if I'd like another go. HA! For three years I've flatly turned him down---he was just here last week! He's STILL married! Oh yes, he also screws his ex-wife and all of his ex girlfriends who will let him. I talked with wife number one a couple of times--she told me that when she was married to this asshole his FATHER came on to her! Runs in the family.

Clodfobble · 08-04-2006, 11:05 AM

What glatt said. The whole thing with this woman is secondary to the fact that:

Quote:

...[he] looks totally furious and frustrated, says 'why am I here then?'... He hit the roof and was going to leave me again... Either way the whole thing is doomed. There will be a huge scene and he will leave me.

It only gets harder after you're married, not easier. If the threat of a breakup is that realistic now, you two have no business planning to make it more permanent. DON'T MARRY THIS GUY.

Shawnee123 · 08-04-2006, 11:41 AM

Let's say you "put your foot down" and he didn't invite her. We could go a step further and say maybe he lays off her for a while...

My theory is never tell someone what to do. They will eventually resent you for it...it might take 2 days, 2 weeks, or 20 years, but one day that will finish up boiling inside of them and you will take the brunt of the pain.

So, where does that leave you? With this: if he loves YOU and wants to marry YOU why does he seem so fascinated with HER? Why would HE want to get married as well, if he feels something for her? If he wants to be with you...it shouldn't be so difficult; you should not have to "make" him! Can you imagine a lifetime of trying to "make" him make you the number one person in his life? It would be a lonely marriage.

My guess is he knows she won't leave her husband for whatever reason (is it money, fear, children?) and he may as well do the same and they will just keep on the way they are.

I have to agree with the concensus: do NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Without even knowing you, I know that you deserve better. Practically anyone would!

Rise up, girl...demand respect!

Best of wishes for your decision.

Pangloss62 · 08-04-2006, 11:53 AM

Hello lilly.

Your story sounds like so many other soap operas I've heard about and lived through myself. Monogomy is unnatural, so don't be surprised if your man is indeed craving for that work woman and vice versa. I keep my opposite-sex relationships platonic. As soon as couples start expecting fidelity from their partner, it usually starts getting dysfunctional. That's just what I think. Even when monogomous, most betrothed couples start acting really weird as soon as they promise not to ever be intimate with another. Live on your own for awhile. Make some platonic male friends and you'll really learn what we're like; OK, not ALL of us, but most of us.

glatt · 08-04-2006, 12:11 PM

These other posts say it better than I did, but the message is the same.

I know you don't want to hear any of this. After all, you love this guy, right? The thought of breaking it off with him is more than you can bear. But you don't trust him. You are snooping around his computer. And you have a good reason to. He's got a strong relationship with another woman. He doesn't seem to care that it bothers you. He doesn't respect you. And you don't respect him. It's all a recipe for disaster, and no basis for a marriage.

Please don't marry this guy.

footfootfoot · 08-04-2006, 02:10 PM

Hey Lilly,
You do know that the two of them are banging like screen doors, right?

For some gals who dig gals and guys, that might mean more fun for you in the bedroom, but it doesn't sound like you've been invited to their party.

If that's your scene, then you'll probably have to gatecrash or be content with her sloppy seconds. If it's not your scene, then why are you engaged to this guy who is already engaged with a married woman?

Keep notes and write your own screenplay.

Undertoad · 08-04-2006, 02:17 PM

Be fair, there is a 4% chance that he is hiding it because she is such a jealous creature that every mention of any other woman within the vicinity results in a rash of shit, and the fixation on this particular one is frustrating because she is the only other woman in the office.

But yeah 96% says they are hittin' it in the parking lot.

Griff · 08-04-2006, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

But yeah 96% says they are hittin' it in the parking lot.

Maybe you should pop by security and get the video.

08-04-2006, 05:55 AM	#4
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	If she is also a long time employee, you are probably looking at a long term relationship with this woman. Is he worth it? __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

08-04-2006, 06:19 AM	#5
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Unless this guy is a real Prince Charming, a real perfect dude, I say lose him. Griff is right. I say tell him 'go right ahead and invite her, but if you do, I'm gone'. If you think something's going on, something probably is, and I'm sure you deserve better. __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

08-04-2006, 07:49 AM	#6
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Hey Lilly What a sickening situation to be in. I have also felt the bite of jealousy, and it is probably the most debilitating of all emotions. So you truly have my sympathy. Some questions to clarify: Who did he know first, you or her? I appreciate you need to feel more important than a work colleague, but was their "relationship" established before you came on the scene? Have you felt jealousy in previous relationships? It does sound justified to me, but then I'm quite possessive myself and need to know I'm number 1 in a partner's life. Could it be you have worked yourself up to fever pitch and he is hiding things from you because you now have a hair trigger as far as she is concerned? I really don't think you can tell him not to invite her to this dinner, but would you be able to swing it so that she wasn't seated close to him? I know 10 isn't a large table but surely you can sideline her to an extent? The bottom line, sadly, is your fiancee doesn't want to stop seeing this woman. He gets pleasure from her company and rightly or wrongly is part of his life. Like Griff & Ibram say, it's going to be your choice as to how this affects your long term relationship with him. Take a deep breath and really examine your feelings. Good luck. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

08-04-2006, 11:03 AM	#8
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Ditto. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN! He gets reallly 'furious' when you question him about questionable things? That's a classic move--designed to throw you off, think you're crazy and intimidate you. "Why am I here then?" indeed! Coz he likes having many, many women and he always will. He'll NEVER change, baby. Dump him. I dated a man who was constitutionally incapable of keeping it in his pants--the man had women in six counties, I kid you not. He got married, too (needed someone to look after his house and his kid by wife #1) but still messed around with as many as he could. When his wife confronted him, he acted like he was having a heart attack-how COULD she! Etc, etc. It's been years since I knew him but ya know what? Every six months or so he shows up on my doorstep, wondering if I'd like another go. HA! For three years I've flatly turned him down---he was just here last week! He's STILL married! Oh yes, he also screws his ex-wife and all of his ex girlfriends who will let him. I talked with wife number one a couple of times--she told me that when she was married to this asshole his FATHER came on to her! Runs in the family. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

08-04-2006, 11:41 AM	#10
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Let's say you "put your foot down" and he didn't invite her. We could go a step further and say maybe he lays off her for a while... My theory is never tell someone what to do. They will eventually resent you for it...it might take 2 days, 2 weeks, or 20 years, but one day that will finish up boiling inside of them and you will take the brunt of the pain. So, where does that leave you? With this: if he loves YOU and wants to marry YOU why does he seem so fascinated with HER? Why would HE want to get married as well, if he feels something for her? If he wants to be with you...it shouldn't be so difficult; you should not have to "make" him! Can you imagine a lifetime of trying to "make" him make you the number one person in his life? It would be a lonely marriage. My guess is he knows she won't leave her husband for whatever reason (is it money, fear, children?) and he may as well do the same and they will just keep on the way they are. I have to agree with the concensus: do NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Without even knowing you, I know that you deserve better. Practically anyone would! Rise up, girl...demand respect! Best of wishes for your decision. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-04-2006, 02:29 AM	#1
lillypilly7 Person Who Has Posted Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 2	Need advice re woman at his work Hi I'm new here. I've been reading the posts and enjoying the advice and shared confidences. I hope someone can help with mine (. Here goes. Sorry its a bit long. The background: My fiance has a woman at work he is more than friendly with. At work she treats him like a partner and it seems vice versa, he takes her to lunch (and then pretends it was his boss - who is his best friend - who invited the 2 of them) and they share confidences and secrets. I'm sure he shares his relationship problems with her. At social functions she (and probably he) always puts his seat next to hers. She does the doe-eyed thing standing 2 inches from his chin when I'm standing next to him..They plan bbq menus for work functions (they have a lot of 'team' social functions) and then he brings home her salad platters to wash in our kitchen.Photos of our new block of land downloaded from his phone to computer accidentally also downloaded smilinggg close up face photos of her at the pub. I didn't even know he'd been there. His 'recently opened documents were all work-related except for a photo of ...u guessed it...her! I deleted it and didn't say anything - he has many copies anyway on other puters and drives.etc U get the picture? He 'explained' all of this away...gets angry and looks totally furious and frustrated, says 'why am I here then?'. It all makes me feel sick. He still does all of these things with her and just avoids telling me, hides receipts (for lunches and drinks), emails, his phone etc etc. He is in charge of the ten pin bowling work function, he had to arrange the teams, I asked who was in his team, he 'couldnt remember (oh yeah?). I am very hurt by her continued presence in his day and his lack of consideration of my feelings. We were supposed to go on a free houseboat weekend with her and her partner (yes she is married but her husband is very insipid and odd, and they seem very distant from each other) - I said I could stomach an evening event but not being stuck a whole weekend. He hit the roof and was going to leave me again. We ended up being interstate and so couldnt go anyway, thank goodness. The current situation: My fiance now has a 25 years of employment special dinner,he is now a member of the honored Quarter Century Club at work. He has to invite 10 people to a free dinner, which must include his boss. He can choose the others. He only works in a small team of around 5 including herrrr plus some lesser familiar workers at other venues. Should I put my foot down and tell him not to invite her? Should I say you can invite her but the engagement is off? Should I say nothing (the pain would be unbearable). Either way the whole thing is doomed. There will be a huge scene and he will leave me. I am miserable. I don't want to spoil his dinner but I want him to show me that I am more important to him than her and this is my chance to find out for sure. I will probably get kicked off for such a long post but I am desperate for advice. Fingers crossed, Jill.

08-04-2006, 03:03 AM	#2
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Unless he's not planning to invite all five team members you'd give him very easy justification to be angry. It would look bad to the rest of the team / boss and make you seem very jealous (no matter how justified). There is certainly a problem but that doesn't mean you shouldn't pick your battles wisely.

08-04-2006, 03:35 AM	#3
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	I'm so the last person to give advice on relationships ...trust me, but I really do feel your pain luvie. Look - I dont think you can put your foot down here unless you want to nail that coffin lid shut on your engagement. It will look reeaaallly bad if he invites everyone else and not her and his boss will probably wonder what is going on too....it just doesnt seem the right environment to do the stand off because he has too much justification behind his motives for inviting her. What kind of person is she around other people/guys? See, I'm that flirty type anyways, so girls often think I am after their men when I really am not. I'm just being me and sometimes my friendliness is mistaken for interest when its harmless. I'm that icky touchy type and am trying to learn that guys take it the wrong way and girls REALLY take it the wrong way. When you guys have spoken about this in the past, has it been open/relaxed or the heated type? Bet you feel like kicking her in the shins when she does the doe-eyed thing whilst you are there, I would Good luck Jill, you sound like you really love this guy and I wish you all the best oh and welcome!!

08-04-2006, 11:53 AM	#11
Pangloss62 Lecturer Join Date: May 2006 Location: Atlanta Posts: 768	Couples Hello lilly. Your story sounds like so many other soap operas I've heard about and lived through myself. Monogomy is unnatural, so don't be surprised if your man is indeed craving for that work woman and vice versa. I keep my opposite-sex relationships platonic. As soon as couples start expecting fidelity from their partner, it usually starts getting dysfunctional. That's just what I think. Even when monogomous, most betrothed couples start acting really weird as soon as they promise not to ever be intimate with another. Live on your own for awhile. Make some platonic male friends and you'll really learn what we're like; OK, not ALL of us, but most of us. __________________ Things are never as good, or bad, as they seem.

08-04-2006, 12:11 PM	#12
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	These other posts say it better than I did, but the message is the same. I know you don't want to hear any of this. After all, you love this guy, right? The thought of breaking it off with him is more than you can bear. But you don't trust him. You are snooping around his computer. And you have a good reason to. He's got a strong relationship with another woman. He doesn't seem to care that it bothers you. He doesn't respect you. And you don't respect him. It's all a recipe for disaster, and no basis for a marriage. Please don't marry this guy.

08-04-2006, 02:10 PM	#13
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Hey Lilly, You do know that the two of them are banging like screen doors, right? For some gals who dig gals and guys, that might mean more fun for you in the bedroom, but it doesn't sound like you've been invited to their party. If that's your scene, then you'll probably have to gatecrash or be content with her sloppy seconds. If it's not your scene, then why are you engaged to this guy who is already engaged with a married woman? Keep notes and write your own screenplay. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

08-04-2006, 02:17 PM	#14
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Be fair, there is a 4% chance that he is hiding it because she is such a jealous creature that every mention of any other woman within the vicinity results in a rash of shit, and the fixation on this particular one is frustrating because she is the only other woman in the office. But yeah 96% says they are hittin' it in the parking lot.

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