Humor...I Need Humor...

[wolf]

Stop, drop, and roll.

[zippyt]

Dear Husband:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell

me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last

week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and

nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new

negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to

sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,

you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't

love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.



P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving

away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife



Dear Ex-Wife



Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that

you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a

far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown

out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when

you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to

mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say

anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite

meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I

stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had

on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed

that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty

dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of

this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I

discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my

job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were

gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the

filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that

you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born

Carla. I hope that's not a problem.



Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[capnhowdy]

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you,
Mr. American, for letting me in this country!"

But the passerby says, "You are mistaken. I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American. I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees, he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not an
American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

So he is puzzled and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work."

[Cyclefrance]

This thread is so long I must admit to have failed to check back to see if this has been entered already. Even so it may have been missed by quite a few. I think I have seen similar but it still made me smile...

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By
giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be
honest, and spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due
consideration to each line.
-------------------------

THE SITUATION
You are in New Orleans, There is chaos all around you caused by a
hurricane with severe flooding. You are photo journalist working for
a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic
disaster.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and
people swirling around you, and disappearing under the water.
===============================================

THE TEST
Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the
President, George W.Bush. At the same time you notice that the
raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options- you can save the life of the President, or you can shoot a
dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting thedeath of one of
the world's most famous men.
===============================================

THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....... Would
you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic
simplicity of black and white?

[wolf]

here.

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by wolf

here.

Oh bugger, tits and bums...!

[Kagen4o4]

[Happy Monkey]

That's a scar-eyed dolphin!

[zippyt]

Now Don't start THAT again !!!!
Clearly its a shark , see-m-gills , see-at-fin , see-em-teef !!!!!

[Cyclefrance]

It's an easy mistake to make - sharks are scarey so when you have seen one you've been scareyed , so they're really scareyed sharks, not scar-eyed sharks...

[BigV]

When you're in the water with them, they're ALL sharks, until they helpfully carry you to the boat and then retreat like Flipper. Until then....

[xoxoxoBruce]

Unless they're the missing Secret Government Killer Dolphins.

[capnhowdy]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[wolf]

TEN TRUTHS WHITE, BLACK, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickies are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Cars are not meant to touch the ground.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. Ten people to a car is considered too many.
8. You're in America, you speak our language.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.


TEN TRUTHS BLACK, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. NSYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional spanking helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.



TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND ASIAN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Ranch is a salad dressing, not a side dish.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.


TEN TRUTHS WHITE, HISPANIC, AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT ASIAN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. You cant drive.
2. Disneyland is not the happiest place on earth.
3. The peace sign is outdated.
4. Rice is not a main course.
5. Taking pictures is fun, taking pictures of strangers is just weird.
6. Feet were meant to grow.
7. You need girls just as much as you need boys.
8. Dogs were meant to be pets, not eaten.
9. You dont need above a 4.0 to graduate.
10. Fanny packs are not an accessory.

[BigV]

Ten truths...very funny. Equal opportunity funny, my favorite kind. I must be a mutt, because I think I have a hard time admitting some of the the truths in all four categories.