attachment issues - Page 2

morethanpretty · 09-22-2006, 07:19 PM

Maybe you should sit down with him and ask him what he thinks of your relationship/non-relationship. Communication is a great thing. If he is scared/annoyed by being asked to define your relationship then perhaps its time to throw him the deuces and tell him to get the fuck out. Also sex is often (i think it should always be) an hardcore emotional issue, your sharing yourself entirely with another person...they know you physically inside and out. maybe its time to share your interpersonal self with them as well?

extemporaneous · 09-22-2006, 07:50 PM

my son is with the state because i am a scumbag and got locked up in county for two months. in order to get him back myself it would take longer than if his grandmother got temporary custoday instead. so, his grandmother is coming to get him from florida. HORRIBLY his father is still alive. he's a homicidal maniac and i dont enjoy being locked in basements. my friend, we'll call him dudley, has simply been my friend. maybe that's it through everything i know he's there and im perfectly happy with just that. here's the kicker: dudley is engaged. and tells me he loves me. his fiancee is in the ukraine coming in a year or so. i cant believe it. i said it outloud. he makes love to me and wakes up to her phone call most mornings. kisses me awake. maybe that's why im so confused...i mean yea whatever he's not married yet...but come on dude really...if you told somebody you love them while you were having sex, is that PLUTONIC???..

lumberjim · 09-22-2006, 10:34 PM

wow, you're like brianna and danaC all rolled into one. just kidding, brianna

and, morethanpretty, does your username indicate that you are pretty beyond pretty, or that it is not your only virtue, or that you are, in fact, not pretty at all, but put more stock into other virtues, and therefore 'more than pretty?' oh, and welcome, btw.

xoxoxoBruce · 09-22-2006, 11:39 PM

How did Dudley get engaged? Is he Ukrainian too? Hook up on a vacation? Arranged marriage? How long have they been engaged? Lot of questions but it sounds a little strange.

Well, it's certainly not platonic, from what you say.
What's your relationship besides sex?
You're sharing an apartment I guess, did you move in with him, or he move in with you?
Are either or both of you working?
Share the rent, utilities, groceries?

If your arrangment is mutually beneficial, in more ways than readily available sex, he may be looking at it as just a good deal. With that arrangement I'm pretty sure I'd love you and say so. That doesn't mean, however, that I'd be in love with you. Do you know what I mean by that?

Attachments are always complicated, affected by circumstances, all of them. Need to know as much as you can reveal comfortably, but be warned, you may not get the answers you want to hear.

morethanpretty · 09-23-2006, 09:27 PM

lumberjim...i am all those and more...no actually its a quote from one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This young boy/man looks over at the girl he loves and just thinks that at that moment...she was more than pretty. i dunno guess i'm a fool hardy romantisist...but i think thats one of the most beautiful ways to describe someone.

extemporous ur not a scumbag if u have ur son's best interest in heart. everyone makes huge mistakes, u just have to learn from them and i wish u the best of luck with getting ur son. it sounds like the ur son's father was a big mistake tho...and that u've been through alot of trauma w/ men in general. sounds like perhaps you grew up w/out or w/ a poor father, its said that women who don't have a good male figure in their life growing up will struggle w/ relationships their whole life. this man ur w/ "dudley" sounds two-faced. Chances are is that he is going to hurt you. Concentrate on getting ur son and giving him the life he needs...u don't need a man or sex, you need unquestionable love and ur son can give u that even tho it might take work.

WabUfvot5 · 09-24-2006, 01:27 AM

Ditto to what Wolf said. More or less. If it's a relationship it's only so because certain needs or desires are being met.

Trilby · 09-24-2006, 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

wow, you're like brianna and danaC all rolled into one. just kidding, brianna

Ouch.

Just for the record, while I may (may) be a felon myself, I certainly wouldn't date one.

And, I don't mind basements. I mean, if they're finished and all with a wet bar, big screen TV and foosball.

yesman065 · 09-25-2006, 07:55 AM

I agree with Clod - We need more info before forming an opinion.

extemporaneous · 09-25-2006, 10:57 AM

hey, im not a felon, all my charges were dropped. and i dont know any of you, but your thoughts are all really helpful, thank you. i could sit and type and help to explain the circumstances which help shape my psyche...here i go. i was adopted when i was 9 months. i lived with a rich family in a rich suburb always had food and clothes and shoes...my father and mother split when i was 2 i found my mom dead when i was 5. my father came back to protect his reputation and my brother (also adopted, 9 years older than me) became a doper and moved out. my father, always abusive, turned the knob on my door around so for the next 8 years of my life i knew nothing but school, books, and the 4 walls of my room. my dad wanted his life back so when i 12 he put me into a boarding school. linden hall in lititz, Pa, $25,000 a year. i stopped eating never socialized and started cutting myself so the pressure would go away. i could never cry. he picked me up from school and dropped me off in philly he told me to live on the street for all he cares. i became a drifter. i've lived all over met many people heard beautiful artwork felt music and rested my head on a pillow made of concrete many times. in the same time, i always managed to sift through the amazing, kind men to the scum that clogs your drain. i let history repeat itself several times. i once dated a sociopath. my front tooth is now crooked. im sure you like basements brianna because my sons father didnt have you locked in one for 2 days while he was on pcp and i was 4 months pregnant at the time. a knife to your throat surely changes your outlook on life. and for the record i did no drugs when i was pregnant. i hit a blunt or two and smoke some cigarettes but that was simply to help my nerves. i have horrible anxiety and now im struck with ppd ontop of my multiple identity disorder. but in the long run i've found that silent films are filled with sound....dudley on the other hand is a computer tech. he works all day i stay home (oh yea, home, by the way, is dudley's engagment present from his father) and clean and take care of kit the cat. 'dudley' has a roomate, pretty much his brother from another mother, jason. it's a good place for me to be living at the moment. im happy, for the most part, and i live with two people who honestly care about me and i can say the same for them. my oceans never been this calm. dudley's getting married in a year. he knows it i know it jay even knows it but until then im sure the dick will be good lol. maybe i feel like i do because i've never felt this way before ... content ... we make music (piano/guitar) and cook and watch movies and laugh and smoke weed and make baby dinosaur noises and keep each other warm at night and i hope this helps you understand where im coming from just a little i dont know what else to say except for i wish our water was turned on its so hard to live without it.

limey · 09-25-2006, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by extemporaneous

...that's exactly what 'dudley' told me last night while we were making love he told me that i have no need to be scared, i am completely safe....

Completely safe ... until he marries. And then what?

You have some life history there and no wonder you find it hard to settle, to trust, to believe that you deserve good things and happiness. I'm sorry but, comfortable as it is where you are just now (but, no WATER?!), Dudley does not seem to me to be "a good thing" - he is using you for a housekeeper and sex until he marries and can use his wife for the same thing. Just my 2 cents.

And you certainly do deserve to be happy, by the way ...

morethanpretty · 09-25-2006, 07:38 PM

nothing pisses me off more than abuse, child abuse especially. i'm terrible sorry that you had to go through that. i have never been through anything that traumatic and have had luck with relationships (2 cheaters but I didn't realize until after and no sex was involved). hopefully it will be better for our children and their children. i agree with limey, he is useing you and what happens when he marries that other woman? The mental disorders are hard to deal with and that I can relate to very well because of my own struggle. Also my best friend for years had schizophrenia, and depression issues. You deserve to be happy, your ship might be sailing in calm waters right now but a squall can come up fast and hard, and you need to have you ship in dock, where it is safe. Have you considered therapy to help you deal with these issues? Those of your finding your mother dead (at 5!), your dad locking you up then abandoning you, and what you have been through since. I know that therapy helped me, and have known others who have had good results. If nothing else its a non-judgemental person to listen and give objective advice.

"To be loved you must first love yourself." unknown

extemporaneous · 09-25-2006, 07:59 PM

it's hard. i have been to countless therapists and i have been hospitalized i think im just out to destroy myself. i taught myself how not to cry from the time i found my mom dead. turn on and off emotions, that's when it started getting out of control and that's why i have multiple identity disorder...separated into emotions instead of people. sometimes i hear voices but not how the movies portray crazy people...it's like sometimes i'll say something and a different voice will come into my head and say something completely different...violent sometimes. i can control them fine without meds so far. yet, lately i've been rethinking my choice not to see a shrink. that's kind of why i post on here to vent. there are very few things in life i have am able to get an emotional attachment to in life and it's very rarely human. although i have an addictive personality (i caught onto the drug scene pretty quick) it's hard to place an feeling to an object like a picture (which i never take) or even smells. on the topic of attachment issues though, i know that he's getting married and im more than happy for him and right now i dont know what else to do. well, i lied. i do know what to do. get off my lazy ass get a job and my own place but who said taking the easy way for a while was cheating in life? they lied. the water thing is horrible we have to pay the state 5 grand to fix something stupid and it's not even our fault, our neighbor is the one who gave us the problem with his plumbing mishaps. it's 8:54 and i just got done cleaning the kitchen, livingroom, office, and bedroom. Kit knocked over 4 chicken breasts...they became hers (i swear she does things on purpose sometimes). but the infamous 'dudley' will be home shortly...i would like to think that he isnt using me but the thought has crossed my mind. but if he's using me, then im using him i guess. what it boils down to is sex...right? im out of cigarettes i've been smoking butts. i should find some papers and roll one...

lumberjim · 09-25-2006, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

Ouch.

Oh, don't say ouch, you a-hole. that was a shot at dana. you know i love your train wreckedness the most.

morethanpretty · 09-25-2006, 10:08 PM

I'm sorry that therapy hasn't worked out so far, I've given up on therepy and meds before myself...but after a time without I feel my need to return and so do my loved ones. Right now I'm in school full time and work full time and don't have a car (mine was totalled by one of those rock semitrucks)...so I'm not doing therepy but I have my pretty pretty pills...um what was my point??? oh yeah...
I have always found reading to be theraputic in of itself, and although sometimes a book would send me into a depression, if I could talk about the book w/ someone else who had read it I would normally discover what it was that was making me feel bad. And that helped me deal with the issue that I didn't realize that I even had but was subconsciously effecting me. One book I might suggest for you would be She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb...I think you would find alot to relate to with the main character. I strongly urge you to read it (or even re-read it) and look for similarities between yourself and the character.

morethanpretty · 09-25-2006, 10:21 PM

BTW my mother started smoking at the age of 9, she grew up with an alcoholic abusive father whom her mother divorced when she was 12. She and her sister did most of the housework while my nanny worked. In her teens my mom started doing drugs and stopped going to school. She later became a hardcore "biker", but no tattoos. She was also an alcoholic herself for awhile. I do not know the details of her relationships and such...just that they weren't good. She met my father in Florida and married him at 25 and they will celebrate there 27th aniversary this January along with my birthday...they've had 3 children and all are successful in my opinion. My mom went back and got her GED when I was young, she stopped (cold turkey! as she says) after 30 yrs of smoking, and hasn't touched alcohol since before I can remember. I don't know if that sounds hopefull to you, but I thought I would give you a real life story of how much a life can change through self-motivation. I'd like to urge you once again to concentrate on your child and forget all this "dudley OMG drama". feel free to msg me if you have any questions about the book ect.

09-22-2006, 07:50 PM	#17
extemporaneous i like watching the puddles gather rain Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: killadelphia, pa Posts: 38	my son is with the state because i am a scumbag and got locked up in county for two months. in order to get him back myself it would take longer than if his grandmother got temporary custoday instead. so, his grandmother is coming to get him from florida. HORRIBLY his father is still alive. he's a homicidal maniac and i dont enjoy being locked in basements. my friend, we'll call him dudley, has simply been my friend. maybe that's it through everything i know he's there and im perfectly happy with just that. here's the kicker: dudley is engaged. and tells me he loves me. his fiancee is in the ukraine coming in a year or so. i cant believe it. i said it outloud. he makes love to me and wakes up to her phone call most mornings. kisses me awake. maybe that's why im so confused...i mean yea whatever he's not married yet...but come on dude really...if you told somebody you love them while you were having sex, is that PLUTONIC???.. __________________ we are eternal. all this pain is an illusion.

09-22-2006, 10:34 PM	#18
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	wow, you're like brianna and danaC all rolled into one. just kidding, brianna and, morethanpretty, does your username indicate that you are pretty beyond pretty, or that it is not your only virtue, or that you are, in fact, not pretty at all, but put more stock into other virtues, and therefore 'more than pretty?' oh, and welcome, btw. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

09-22-2006, 11:39 PM	#19
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	How did Dudley get engaged? Is he Ukrainian too? Hook up on a vacation? Arranged marriage? How long have they been engaged? Lot of questions but it sounds a little strange. Well, it's certainly not platonic, from what you say. What's your relationship besides sex? You're sharing an apartment I guess, did you move in with him, or he move in with you? Are either or both of you working? Share the rent, utilities, groceries? If your arrangment is mutually beneficial, in more ways than readily available sex, he may be looking at it as just a good deal. With that arrangement I'm pretty sure I'd love you and say so. That doesn't mean, however, that I'd be in love with you. Do you know what I mean by that? Attachments are always complicated, affected by circumstances, all of them. Need to know as much as you can reveal comfortably, but be warned, you may not get the answers you want to hear. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-25-2006, 10:57 AM	#24
extemporaneous i like watching the puddles gather rain Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: killadelphia, pa Posts: 38	hey, im not a felon, all my charges were dropped. and i dont know any of you, but your thoughts are all really helpful, thank you. i could sit and type and help to explain the circumstances which help shape my psyche...here i go. i was adopted when i was 9 months. i lived with a rich family in a rich suburb always had food and clothes and shoes...my father and mother split when i was 2 i found my mom dead when i was 5. my father came back to protect his reputation and my brother (also adopted, 9 years older than me) became a doper and moved out. my father, always abusive, turned the knob on my door around so for the next 8 years of my life i knew nothing but school, books, and the 4 walls of my room. my dad wanted his life back so when i 12 he put me into a boarding school. linden hall in lititz, Pa, $25,000 a year. i stopped eating never socialized and started cutting myself so the pressure would go away. i could never cry. he picked me up from school and dropped me off in philly he told me to live on the street for all he cares. i became a drifter. i've lived all over met many people heard beautiful artwork felt music and rested my head on a pillow made of concrete many times. in the same time, i always managed to sift through the amazing, kind men to the scum that clogs your drain. i let history repeat itself several times. i once dated a sociopath. my front tooth is now crooked. im sure you like basements brianna because my sons father didnt have you locked in one for 2 days while he was on pcp and i was 4 months pregnant at the time. a knife to your throat surely changes your outlook on life. and for the record i did no drugs when i was pregnant. i hit a blunt or two and smoke some cigarettes but that was simply to help my nerves. i have horrible anxiety and now im struck with ppd ontop of my multiple identity disorder. but in the long run i've found that silent films are filled with sound....dudley on the other hand is a computer tech. he works all day i stay home (oh yea, home, by the way, is dudley's engagment present from his father) and clean and take care of kit the cat. 'dudley' has a roomate, pretty much his brother from another mother, jason. it's a good place for me to be living at the moment. im happy, for the most part, and i live with two people who honestly care about me and i can say the same for them. my oceans never been this calm. dudley's getting married in a year. he knows it i know it jay even knows it but until then im sure the dick will be good lol. maybe i feel like i do because i've never felt this way before ... content ... we make music (piano/guitar) and cook and watch movies and laugh and smoke weed and make baby dinosaur noises and keep each other warm at night and i hope this helps you understand where im coming from just a little i dont know what else to say except for i wish our water was turned on its so hard to live without it. __________________ we are eternal. all this pain is an illusion.

09-25-2006, 07:59 PM	#27
extemporaneous i like watching the puddles gather rain Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: killadelphia, pa Posts: 38	it's hard. i have been to countless therapists and i have been hospitalized i think im just out to destroy myself. i taught myself how not to cry from the time i found my mom dead. turn on and off emotions, that's when it started getting out of control and that's why i have multiple identity disorder...separated into emotions instead of people. sometimes i hear voices but not how the movies portray crazy people...it's like sometimes i'll say something and a different voice will come into my head and say something completely different...violent sometimes. i can control them fine without meds so far. yet, lately i've been rethinking my choice not to see a shrink. that's kind of why i post on here to vent. there are very few things in life i have am able to get an emotional attachment to in life and it's very rarely human. although i have an addictive personality (i caught onto the drug scene pretty quick) it's hard to place an feeling to an object like a picture (which i never take) or even smells. on the topic of attachment issues though, i know that he's getting married and im more than happy for him and right now i dont know what else to do. well, i lied. i do know what to do. get off my lazy ass get a job and my own place but who said taking the easy way for a while was cheating in life? they lied. the water thing is horrible we have to pay the state 5 grand to fix something stupid and it's not even our fault, our neighbor is the one who gave us the problem with his plumbing mishaps. it's 8:54 and i just got done cleaning the kitchen, livingroom, office, and bedroom. Kit knocked over 4 chicken breasts...they became hers (i swear she does things on purpose sometimes). but the infamous 'dudley' will be home shortly...i would like to think that he isnt using me but the thought has crossed my mind. but if he's using me, then im using him i guess. what it boils down to is sex...right? im out of cigarettes i've been smoking butts. i should find some papers and roll one... __________________ we are eternal. all this pain is an illusion.

09-22-2006, 07:19 PM	#16
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	Maybe you should sit down with him and ask him what he thinks of your relationship/non-relationship. Communication is a great thing. If he is scared/annoyed by being asked to define your relationship then perhaps its time to throw him the deuces and tell him to get the fuck out. Also sex is often (i think it should always be) an hardcore emotional issue, your sharing yourself entirely with another person...they know you physically inside and out. maybe its time to share your interpersonal self with them as well?

09-23-2006, 09:27 PM	#20
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	lumberjim...i am all those and more...no actually its a quote from one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This young boy/man looks over at the girl he loves and just thinks that at that moment...she was more than pretty. i dunno guess i'm a fool hardy romantisist...but i think thats one of the most beautiful ways to describe someone. extemporous ur not a scumbag if u have ur son's best interest in heart. everyone makes huge mistakes, u just have to learn from them and i wish u the best of luck with getting ur son. it sounds like the ur son's father was a big mistake tho...and that u've been through alot of trauma w/ men in general. sounds like perhaps you grew up w/out or w/ a poor father, its said that women who don't have a good male figure in their life growing up will struggle w/ relationships their whole life. this man ur w/ "dudley" sounds two-faced. Chances are is that he is going to hurt you. Concentrate on getting ur son and giving him the life he needs...u don't need a man or sex, you need unquestionable love and ur son can give u that even tho it might take work.

09-24-2006, 01:27 AM	#21
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Ditto to what Wolf said. More or less. If it's a relationship it's only so because certain needs or desires are being met.

09-25-2006, 07:55 AM	#23
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	I agree with Clod - We need more info before forming an opinion.

09-25-2006, 07:38 PM	#26
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	nothing pisses me off more than abuse, child abuse especially. i'm terrible sorry that you had to go through that. i have never been through anything that traumatic and have had luck with relationships (2 cheaters but I didn't realize until after and no sex was involved). hopefully it will be better for our children and their children. i agree with limey, he is useing you and what happens when he marries that other woman? The mental disorders are hard to deal with and that I can relate to very well because of my own struggle. Also my best friend for years had schizophrenia, and depression issues. You deserve to be happy, your ship might be sailing in calm waters right now but a squall can come up fast and hard, and you need to have you ship in dock, where it is safe. Have you considered therapy to help you deal with these issues? Those of your finding your mother dead (at 5!), your dad locking you up then abandoning you, and what you have been through since. I know that therapy helped me, and have known others who have had good results. If nothing else its a non-judgemental person to listen and give objective advice. "To be loved you must first love yourself." unknown

09-25-2006, 10:08 PM	#29
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	I'm sorry that therapy hasn't worked out so far, I've given up on therepy and meds before myself...but after a time without I feel my need to return and so do my loved ones. Right now I'm in school full time and work full time and don't have a car (mine was totalled by one of those rock semitrucks)...so I'm not doing therepy but I have my pretty pretty pills...um what was my point??? oh yeah... I have always found reading to be theraputic in of itself, and although sometimes a book would send me into a depression, if I could talk about the book w/ someone else who had read it I would normally discover what it was that was making me feel bad. And that helped me deal with the issue that I didn't realize that I even had but was subconsciously effecting me. One book I might suggest for you would be She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb...I think you would find alot to relate to with the main character. I strongly urge you to read it (or even re-read it) and look for similarities between yourself and the character.

09-25-2006, 10:21 PM	#30
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	BTW my mother started smoking at the age of 9, she grew up with an alcoholic abusive father whom her mother divorced when she was 12. She and her sister did most of the housework while my nanny worked. In her teens my mom started doing drugs and stopped going to school. She later became a hardcore "biker", but no tattoos. She was also an alcoholic herself for awhile. I do not know the details of her relationships and such...just that they weren't good. She met my father in Florida and married him at 25 and they will celebrate there 27th aniversary this January along with my birthday...they've had 3 children and all are successful in my opinion. My mom went back and got her GED when I was young, she stopped (cold turkey! as she says) after 30 yrs of smoking, and hasn't touched alcohol since before I can remember. I don't know if that sounds hopefull to you, but I thought I would give you a real life story of how much a life can change through self-motivation. I'd like to urge you once again to concentrate on your child and forget all this "dudley OMG drama". feel free to msg me if you have any questions about the book ect.

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