how far are yo uwilling to go to please your partner?

cowhead · 02-23-2005, 03:54 PM

this is going to be somewhat vague, I'll get into details later(if pressed).. okay I've been around the block, thru the alleys and a couple of side streets..

but, this current woman I'm seeing has a couple of kinks that.. I don't know If I'm okay with. I was just wondering how far you would go to please your partner.

some examples though, so you don't think I'm getting some kinda sick thrill from hearing other people..trust me I'm not

I installed eye hooks in the floor for my ex-fiance` (not my thing but..)
sucked a few toes
used 'objects' on women
went ot a 'sex' party (didn't really like it)
public (or chancey sex)
etc.

where does your I'm not doing THAT line stand?

for me it's children (ie. under 18), pooh, dead things or animals. just curious

OnyxCougar · 02-23-2005, 04:01 PM

I'll do anything except:

anal
animals
children
dead things
excrement
murder
pain
piercings (falls under pain)
public

Beestie · 02-23-2005, 04:31 PM

Honestly, if it isn't for you then it isn't for you. How important is it for her? Chances are if you don't like it now you are going to hate it later. Not only that but she might only be showing you a glimpse of what she's really into so as not to freak you out this early in the relationship.

I really think y'all need to talk this out, put all the cards on the table and go from there. Maybe she just needs to explore this thing to find out that its not all that and she's done with it. Or maybe it will be something she needs every so often forever.

Before y'all have the "talk" I would bite the bullet and give it a try just to get on the other side of it. If you can't even do that then well...

BrianR · 02-24-2005, 09:04 AM

OOH OOH OOH! MEMEMEME!

I've been there and done that. Beestie is partly right, IF that's her case. Definitely talk it out, frankly and in "safe space", which is a designated spot (can be in home or out) where anything can be said without fear of rejection or embarassment. side note: I wish I had remembered that this time last year

If this is something she cannot live without and YOU cannot get into, your relationship is doomed. If it's just a "spice" that she can set aside except for once a year, then you can "suck it up" and play her game that one time. Or else you can agree that she can go outside your sphere to get that one thing but cannot bring it back in and follows other basic guidelines that you agree on in advance.

If not, send her my way, I'm available and kinky as they come!

Brian

Beestie · 02-24-2005, 09:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianR

OOH OOH OOH! MEMEMEME!

I wondered how long it would take before you found this thread

elf · 02-24-2005, 12:11 PM

Beestie & Brian are right on the money so far as I can see. . . Communication is the key.

As for how far I would go... The dramatic stuff I won't do. . . but I do mean dramatic by that, though. No dismemberment, death, animals, kids or excretement. Pain is good, though I would rather some kinds of pain over others. . . oh - and I won't dom over anyone. Ever. Just won't happen. I'm a subbie through and through (in the bedroom anyway :p ) One of my boyfriends doesn't do the dom thing, either. So when we're together, he pushes his limits for me, and I try to be aggressive (I'm terrible at it, but he appreciates the effort). He and I would certainly not work as an exclusive couple.

cowhead · 02-24-2005, 12:51 PM

right, communication is something I'm actually fairly good at(altough maybe not in the typed form

).. we've discussed it. this was more wondering how far would people go to please their partner, I'll do damn near anything, the problem with this is.. she wants me to rape her, and where as YES it would me more of a role playing exersize, the problem being that what happens to the relationship dynamic after that? it's going to change (trust me on this one, I've had a little experiance in the matter.. dynamics.. not raping mind you) and change dramatically.. I'm not into the whole bsdm thing... sorry just not for me. (and the other problem is that as much as I would like to consider myself a fairly decent human being.. part of this 'fantasy' of hers really appeals to me.. so where does that leave me afterwards?..hmm this is more personal than I ever get.. must retreat! and do some more thinking)

wolf · 02-24-2005, 12:59 PM

The problem with any kind of rough sex, be it a rape fantasy or even general bdsm play ... legally, you cannot consent to an assault.

The potential for being criminally charged always exists.

jinx · 02-24-2005, 01:16 PM

Have you read Choke? There's a great "rape" scene in it, might give you some ideas (actually, it's just really funny).

elf · 02-24-2005, 01:33 PM

une important thing: Safeword.

If you decide that this is something you would like to do for her, establish a safeword for her to use if things get out of hand. This way, she can tell you "nonono" all she wants, and you won't have to worry that she might really mean it. And it gives her a reliable way to let you know if something's truly wrong.

The most effective safeword system I've seen has two words, usually "Yellow" and "Red". If she says yellow, she means a warning, please don't do that, and you can ease up a little or change tactics. Red would mean Stop. At which point you stop what you're doing completely and find out what's wrong.

As far as after-scene dynamics. . . well, I don't have much advice for that. I've lived things like this for a long time, and to explain it would be difficult for me. It'd be like trying to explain a breath of fresh air. I don't know how.

Keeping Wolf's point in mind, make sure you know just what it is she wants. (does she want to be tied up? would she want to be slapped/hit? or is she just looking for a struggle?) You'll have to really really talk about it. In detail.

Bringing her fantasy into reality doesn't make you a bad person. Her having this fantasy doesn't make her a bad person (or crazy or wrong or broken) There's nothing wrong here. It took me quite the long while to figure that part out for myself, and I'm looking at it from her point of view.

<small>I hope I don't sound preachy, I don't mean to. . .

lookout123 · 02-24-2005, 01:38 PM

the only problem is that if you attempt to live out a long held fantasy, the reality will dim in comparison and then that cool fantasy that she enjoys thinking about will be gone.

been there done that.

that being said, i'm willing to try almost anything once. sometimes twice. if you a third time, you better be paying me.

i prefer the term manwhore , thank you very much.

Beestie · 02-24-2005, 01:52 PM

Just make sure that if you decide to proceed that your heart is in it. Don't be second guessing yourself halfway through or looking at your watch or rolling your eyes. Give the woman her money's worth. Later, you can decide if you will ever do it again.

I can tell you that this fantasy is not so uncommon. I'd also recommend not doing anything that will leave any kind of bruise or mark that could be "misinterpreted" later by someone else. Blindfolds and weapons can add to the danger factor if she's into being a little scared.

I suspect, if you look around, you could find a book at one of those sex-toy stores that can give you some guidance. I think it would go a long way for her if she can tell that you actually put some thought and effort into it (not saying your not, just saying). Also, for something like this, set up is important. You don't just go from sharing popcorn on the couch to that - "hide" in the closet and wait a while...

Good luck if you all decide to try it.

elf · 02-24-2005, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

the only problem is that if you attempt to live out a long held fantasy, the reality will dim in comparison and then that cool fantasy that she enjoys thinking about will be gone.

been there done that.

that being said, i'm willing to try almost anything once. sometimes twice. if you a third time, you better be paying me.

i prefer the term manwhore , thank you very much.

I disagree! If there's enough communication beforehand, it won't pale.
....
Maybe I can only say that because I've a lot of experience with it. I know what my partners expect from me, and they know what makes me happy. The first time you try something isn't always the best time. . . ok, it's probably never the best one, but how can you make it what you want it to be if you're too worried about it not being?

What I'm trying to say is you can't just ditch the whole thing for 'what if it's not what I expect it to be' because what if it is?

lookout123 · 02-24-2005, 02:06 PM

fantasy may mean different things to us then. i know that at one point in time 3 way was a big fantasy for me. i've dipped into that well quite a few times and it was great - but didn't compete with the fantasy.

either way, i'm glad for the experience but i see how it could easily take something from the fantasy if the person goes in expecting too much.

BrianR · 02-24-2005, 09:04 PM

Elf: I do believe we belong to the same social subset! I try to keep from being TOO explicit for the vanilla folks just starting out, but then again, watching their eyes widen is fun too

Safewords are good, but I usually use words like "Please Sir may I have another" to mean stop LOL

I don't top well by nature but I will if properly inspired. This usually happens only two or three times a year but is spectacular when it does!

Brian

02-23-2005, 03:54 PM	#1
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	how far are you willing to go to please your partner? this is going to be somewhat vague, I'll get into details later(if pressed).. okay I've been around the block, thru the alleys and a couple of side streets.. but, this current woman I'm seeing has a couple of kinks that.. I don't know If I'm okay with. I was just wondering how far you would go to please your partner. some examples though, so you don't think I'm getting some kinda sick thrill from hearing other people..trust me I'm not I installed eye hooks in the floor for my ex-fiance` (not my thing but..) sucked a few toes used 'objects' on women went ot a 'sex' party (didn't really like it) public (or chancey sex) etc. where does your I'm not doing THAT line stand? for me it's children (ie. under 18), pooh, dead things or animals. just curious __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire. Last edited by cowhead; 02-23-2005 at 05:02 PM. Reason: typing too fast and not thinking enough

02-23-2005, 04:01 PM	#2
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	I'll do anything except: anal animals children dead things excrement murder pain piercings (falls under pain) public __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

02-23-2005, 04:31 PM	#3
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Honestly, if it isn't for you then it isn't for you. How important is it for her? Chances are if you don't like it now you are going to hate it later. Not only that but she might only be showing you a glimpse of what she's really into so as not to freak you out this early in the relationship. I really think y'all need to talk this out, put all the cards on the table and go from there. Maybe she just needs to explore this thing to find out that its not all that and she's done with it. Or maybe it will be something she needs every so often forever. Before y'all have the "talk" I would bite the bullet and give it a try just to get on the other side of it. If you can't even do that then well... __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

02-24-2005, 09:04 AM	#4
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	OOH OOH OOH! MEMEMEME! I've been there and done that. Beestie is partly right, IF that's her case. Definitely talk it out, frankly and in "safe space", which is a designated spot (can be in home or out) where anything can be said without fear of rejection or embarassment. side note: I wish I had remembered that this time last year If this is something she cannot live without and YOU cannot get into, your relationship is doomed. If it's just a "spice" that she can set aside except for once a year, then you can "suck it up" and play her game that one time. Or else you can agree that she can go outside your sphere to get that one thing but cannot bring it back in and follows other basic guidelines that you agree on in advance. If not, send her my way, I'm available and kinky as they come! Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-24-2005, 12:51 PM	#7
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	right, communication is something I'm actually fairly good at(altough maybe not in the typed form ).. we've discussed it. this was more wondering how far would people go to please their partner, I'll do damn near anything, the problem with this is.. she wants me to rape her, and where as YES it would me more of a role playing exersize, the problem being that what happens to the relationship dynamic after that? it's going to change (trust me on this one, I've had a little experiance in the matter.. dynamics.. not raping mind you) and change dramatically.. I'm not into the whole bsdm thing... sorry just not for me. (and the other problem is that as much as I would like to consider myself a fairly decent human being.. part of this 'fantasy' of hers really appeals to me.. so where does that leave me afterwards?..hmm this is more personal than I ever get.. must retreat! and do some more thinking) __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

02-24-2005, 12:11 PM	#6
elf Yay! We're Dooomed! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Mostly: New York. Most Recently: New Jersey. Currently: Colorado Posts: 214	Beestie & Brian are right on the money so far as I can see. . . Communication is the key. As for how far I would go... The dramatic stuff I won't do. . . but I do mean dramatic by that, though. No dismemberment, death, animals, kids or excretement. Pain is good, though I would rather some kinds of pain over others. . . oh - and I won't dom over anyone. Ever. Just won't happen. I'm a subbie through and through (in the bedroom anyway :p ) One of my boyfriends doesn't do the dom thing, either. So when we're together, he pushes his limits for me, and I try to be aggressive (I'm terrible at it, but he appreciates the effort). He and I would certainly not work as an exclusive couple.

02-24-2005, 12:59 PM	#8
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	The problem with any kind of rough sex, be it a rape fantasy or even general bdsm play ... legally, you cannot consent to an assault. The potential for being criminally charged always exists. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

02-24-2005, 01:16 PM	#9
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Have you read Choke? There's a great "rape" scene in it, might give you some ideas (actually, it's just really funny). __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

02-24-2005, 01:33 PM	#10
elf Yay! We're Dooomed! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Mostly: New York. Most Recently: New Jersey. Currently: Colorado Posts: 214	une important thing: Safeword. If you decide that this is something you would like to do for her, establish a safeword for her to use if things get out of hand. This way, she can tell you "nonono" all she wants, and you won't have to worry that she might really mean it. And it gives her a reliable way to let you know if something's truly wrong. The most effective safeword system I've seen has two words, usually "Yellow" and "Red". If she says yellow, she means a warning, please don't do that, and you can ease up a little or change tactics. Red would mean Stop. At which point you stop what you're doing completely and find out what's wrong. As far as after-scene dynamics. . . well, I don't have much advice for that. I've lived things like this for a long time, and to explain it would be difficult for me. It'd be like trying to explain a breath of fresh air. I don't know how. Keeping Wolf's point in mind, make sure you know just what it is she wants. (does she want to be tied up? would she want to be slapped/hit? or is she just looking for a struggle?) You'll have to really really talk about it. In detail. Bringing her fantasy into reality doesn't make you a bad person. Her having this fantasy doesn't make her a bad person (or crazy or wrong or broken) There's nothing wrong here. It took me quite the long while to figure that part out for myself, and I'm looking at it from her point of view. <small>I hope I don't sound preachy, I don't mean to. . .

02-24-2005, 01:38 PM	#11
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	the only problem is that if you attempt to live out a long held fantasy, the reality will dim in comparison and then that cool fantasy that she enjoys thinking about will be gone. been there done that. that being said, i'm willing to try almost anything once. sometimes twice. if you a third time, you better be paying me. i prefer the term manwhore , thank you very much. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

02-24-2005, 01:52 PM	#12
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Just make sure that if you decide to proceed that your heart is in it. Don't be second guessing yourself halfway through or looking at your watch or rolling your eyes. Give the woman her money's worth. Later, you can decide if you will ever do it again. I can tell you that this fantasy is not so uncommon. I'd also recommend not doing anything that will leave any kind of bruise or mark that could be "misinterpreted" later by someone else. Blindfolds and weapons can add to the danger factor if she's into being a little scared. I suspect, if you look around, you could find a book at one of those sex-toy stores that can give you some guidance. I think it would go a long way for her if she can tell that you actually put some thought and effort into it (not saying your not, just saying). Also, for something like this, set up is important. You don't just go from sharing popcorn on the couch to that - "hide" in the closet and wait a while... Good luck if you all decide to try it. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

02-24-2005, 02:06 PM	#14
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	fantasy may mean different things to us then. i know that at one point in time 3 way was a big fantasy for me. i've dipped into that well quite a few times and it was great - but didn't compete with the fantasy. either way, i'm glad for the experience but i see how it could easily take something from the fantasy if the person goes in expecting too much. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

02-24-2005, 09:04 PM	#15
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Elf: I do believe we belong to the same social subset! I try to keep from being TOO explicit for the vanilla folks just starting out, but then again, watching their eyes widen is fun too Safewords are good, but I usually use words like "Please Sir may I have another" to mean stop LOL I don't top well by nature but I will if properly inspired. This usually happens only two or three times a year but is spectacular when it does! Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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