Why is my teen-age daughter stealing?...

[Brett's Honey]

Ashley turned 14 last September. I have noticed a few of my things missing from time to time, but nothing major. I have just taken my things back from her bedroom. I should have talked to her about it then, but I didn't. Yesterday, a good friend of mine came by to tell me about last weekend. Ashley was spending the weekend at her house with her 15 yr old daughter. Before we picked Ashley up, my friend and her daughter had gone through Ashley's bag and retreived several things that she was trying to steal - 3 big bottles of body wash, new hair brush, lots of new make-up, a new comb, several CD's, and even some clothes. My friend's daughter has also has heard that my step-daughter and another friend of hers have been shop-lifting. Apparently her Dad didn't let her go to the sand drags today, I haven't had a chance to discuss this with either of them yet. I can't beleive she's stealing from her best friend! (She is normally a very nice, helpful, good kid.She has a ton of friends! A little lazy, but that's all...)
Has anybody here ever had to deal with a teen that steals? I know that 14 yr old girls have a whole lot going on with life in general, but this stealing has got to stop! She's on her way to losing friends and probably getting caught shoplifting, too.
Any advice? Please...............and thanks!!

[dar512]

She wants to be an actress?

Not making light of your problem. From a quick google it looks like there are a lot of different reasons a kid might start stealing - attention, passive/aggressive retribution, and so on. I think you're going to want help from a counselor if talking to her doesn't bring out the root cause.

[Kagen4o4]

well as someone only a few years out of their teens. i must say i use to love stealing (granted i never did from friends and family). but there is a certain excitement to it that you only get from taking something that you could get caught for.
my suggestion, talk to her about it, dont get angry with her and try and control her. that will make things worse. let her know that its out of your control and you cant stop her from doing it, tell her there will be consequences if she gets caught that go beyond any punishment you could give.
tell her to ask her friends whether they care if she steals from them. she'll want to talk to them about what you said to her, but she wont be able to because it would mean she is addmitting to stealing from them. and she'll realise that since she cant talk about it that maybe she shouldnt be doing it.

in most cases its just a phase because they realise how easy it is to pick something up and walk out with it. once they realise that someone might be watching them, they should back off a bit.

if it does go beyond this, any advice i could give would just be guessing

[xoxoxoBruce]

The consequences have probably already started. I doubt if her friend or the mother will keep it a secret. When people start whispering and looking at her sideways, hopefully it will sink in.

[monster]

Before you approach the "stealing", ask yourself does she even realize that what she is doing is stealing? Children these days are taught to share and are given so much, it seems to me that sometimes they don't even comprehend that others might not want to share.

[funkykule]

bullshit

*edit-were you joking? *

[Cheyenne]

Does your daughter get things that she wants as a rule or is she deprived in any way? i.e. finacially, etc?

A little bank roll of her own through chores, babysitting, etc.

She may be wanting to explore and expand growing into a woman and perhaps has the need for "new and different".

[Cyclefrance]

My wife works as an Education Welfare Officer (EWO) - meaning she looks after children who skip school or who fall into bad ways. Stealing features a lot and it can be down to any one of a number of issues, certainly including those mentioned here. It's too early in the information stage to say what is behind this. Among the many causes not yet mentioned that my wife comes across, there's peer pressure (the need to feel part of a group that requires stealing in order to be cool), bullying, and, more than she would like to see, financing a drugs habit.

Whatever is at the root of it you do need to find out, and it may require involving your daughter's school and the services of and EWO or your equivalent. By all means talk over the problem in the way Kagen404 suggests , but if you get resistance then I wouldn't pursue the matter too heavily yourself. It's too easy to tackle the problem the wrong way and escalate rather than remove the problem. These are formative years and if there is something deeper at the source of this apparently growing habit the sooner it is surfaced the better. The EWO service has back-up from professionals in many quarters, and often the EWO. as in my wife's case, has qualifications in necessary areas, particularly counselling and psychology.

Hope above helps

Shoplifting is one thing, but in a way, stealing from a friend is far more serious. I've heard teenagers laugh and call shoplifting "shopping without money." I think Kagen is right in that many teenagers may shoplift just for the excitement of it, or because friends egg them on. But stealing from a friend is a real violation of trust. Its not the same as swiping nail polish off the shelf at Walmart.

Your step daughter may have any number of motives behind stealing from you or a friend, but her actions reveal a true indifference for the results her behavior has on others and are extremely selfish. She is showing evidence of a sense of entitlement that has no basis in reality. Just because I want what a friend has, that doesn't mean that I get to help myself to it and skate off without a backward glance.

If she is caught shoplifting from a store, they'll just slap her hands the first time. If she continues, however, she will face serious consequences up to and including jail - or in her case, time in juvie detention.

I would try to get her into counseling if I were you, and I'd also let her know that you will NOT bail her out from any consequences if she continues in this behavior. She has most likely already lost a friend over it - or at the very least, caused the friendship to become strained. Even if she doesn't get caught by the security cams at Walmart, if she continues her actions, she will quickly find herself with a reputation as someone that nobody will trust - very hard on a teenager.

[SteveDallas]

Yeah, Cyclefrance, when my sister stole some stuff from me it was to get drug money.

[Brett's Honey]

Thanks for all of the input, I appreciate it. The thoughts of shoplifting consequences are bad enough, but the part of it that bothers me the most is the people that she stole from.
She stole from a very close friend that she's had for the past nine years. The girl's mother has been beyond wonderful to Ashley. The girls had been friends for about a year when Ashley's Mom was murdered. After she was left with a single dad, this girls' mother has always gone out of her way to do special things for Ashley, like taking her with them to get their hair cut and highlighted, shopping for a first bra, the girlie things that Dads aren't always that good at. And frequently buying her things. And she stole a ton of stuff from them!! And apparently its not the first time.
As far as the counseling, fortunately we have a great guy here at the YMCA. I have thought of talking to him, I met him when my son was 15 and he helped a lot.
She has what she needs, but not everything she wants, she's usually broke because she usually doesn't do her chores (and if we gave her any less chores, she wouldn't have any!)....
We obviously have to find out just what the real problem is, and at 14, I'm sure she's not going to just come out and tell us.

[Elspode]

First and foremost, make your child return what was stolen, in person, and apologize to those from whom she stole.

For some reason, we have taken *shame* out of the lives of our children, and it does them no favors. Sociologically, there is a certain need for conditioning that is so powerfully provided by the sense of embarassment and shame that come from having to own up and admit to - take responsibility for - our transgressions. Our society now thinks that the only way to turn out good kids is to make them feel bubbly-goody-touchy-feely-swell about themselves lest their self-image become damaged. Well, doggone it, when we do dumb stuff, our self-image *should* be damaged, and then we should be made to repair it.

If you never learn how bad it feels to hurt someone else, you never learn to empathize with those who are injured. If you never learn to admit your transgressions, you never learn not to transgress. That being said, it usually isn't this simple, and for the child of a murdered parent, there is almost certainly some deeper-seated issue going on, and that means professional help, and darn few of us here on The Cellar are truly qualified to say much more than that. Good luck, BH.

[skysidhe]

damn wise post

[wolf]

He has experience.

Interestingly, one of my coworkers emailed me these helpful, instructional photos tonight.

[wolf]

Adult supervision is essential.