Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 223

classicman · 03-15-2010, 03:26 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another
position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out. . .

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Nirvana · 03-17-2010, 08:43 PM

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out..

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

Gravdigr · 03-18-2010, 03:47 AM

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

The statistician yells "We got him!"

Gravdigr · 03-18-2010, 03:49 AM

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician sit in a sidewalk cafe, looking at the building across the road. Two people go into the building, then three people come out.

Physicist: "This must be a measuring error!"

Biologist: "This is proof of procreation!"

Mathematician: "If one more person goes into the building, it will be empty!"

Gravdigr · 03-18-2010, 04:27 AM

.

Nirvana · 03-19-2010, 07:58 PM

An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
Traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at
Close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A state wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun..
After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the kicker.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the
Poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

'Because that's all the ammunition we had.'
Talk about an all-time classic answer.

Mad Professor · 03-23-2010, 05:37 PM

A Londoner, an Australian and a South African are having a drink in a West End pub.

The Aussie finishes his beer and throws his glass behind him which smashes on the floor. The Londoner asks him why he did that. He says "We've got so much sand in Oz you never have to drink from the same glass twice."

Then the South African finishes his drink and smashes the glass on the floor as well. He says "We've got so many endless beaches in SA, you never have to drink from the same glass twice either."

Finally the Londoner finishes his beer. He pulls out a gun and shoots his two drinking partners dead.

The shocked barman says "Why did you do that?!"

The Londoner replies "There's so many Aussies and South Africans in London, you never have to drink with the same two twice."

Clodfobble · 03-25-2010, 05:06 PM

I lol'ed multiple times.

Shawnee123 · 03-25-2010, 05:31 PM

That is awesome! I'll have to send it to my brother, he'll love it.

ZenGum · 03-25-2010, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mad Professor

A Londoner, an Australian and a South African are having a drink in a West End pub.

The Aussie finishes his beer and throws his glass behind him which smashes on the floor. The Londoner asks him why he did that. He says "We've got so much sand in Oz you never have to drink from the same glass twice."

Then the South African finishes his drink and smashes the glass on the floor as well. He says "We've got so many endless beaches in SA, you never have to drink from the same glass twice either."

Finally the Londoner finishes his beer. He pulls out a gun and shoots his two drinking partners dead.

The shocked barman says "Why did you do that?!"

The Londoner replies "There's so many Aussies and South Africans in London, you never have to drink with the same two twice."

What nonsense.
As if an Aussie would drink beer from a glass.

Snort in derision.

squirell nutkin · 03-25-2010, 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I lol'ed multiple times.

Almost as funny as the original: (about ten years ago) This is a three minute cut which I think is better, but I couldn't find a good version of it.

jester · 03-26-2010, 09:50 AM

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:

"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!"

I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..

i'm sure this has been here before - still funny

Nirvana · 03-26-2010, 01:54 PM

This just always has made me laugh. I don't know how they got this past the Censors but they did..

I cannot seem to embed this

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4109/satur...gus-comes-home

spudcon · 03-27-2010, 02:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I lol'ed multiple times.

I must be naive, because I didn't see anything about that clip that was even coherent.

TheMercenary · 03-27-2010, 09:55 AM

A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and

a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered

the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would

you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as

firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little

tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they

nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came

from the other eye..

She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy

as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on

earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my

soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get

fucked out of my peaches.

03-15-2010, 03:26 PM	#3331
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	20 Dollars On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find Another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million, And informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out. . . "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

03-17-2010, 08:43 PM	#3332
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: "Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling Another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter "Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of day." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-18-2010, 03:47 AM	#3333
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away. The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long. The statistician yells "We got him!" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

03-18-2010, 03:49 AM	#3334
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician sit in a sidewalk cafe, looking at the building across the road. Two people go into the building, then three people come out. Physicist: "This must be a measuring error!" Biologist: "This is proof of procreation!" Mathematician: "If one more person goes into the building, it will be empty!" __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

03-18-2010, 04:27 AM	#3335
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

03-19-2010, 07:58 PM	#3336
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine Traffic stop ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at Close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state wide manhunt ensued. The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun.. After he shot at them, SWAT team officers open fired and hit the guy 68 times. Now here's the kicker. Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they shot the Poor undocumented immigrant 68 times. Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: 'Because that's all the ammunition we had.' Talk about an all-time classic answer. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-23-2010, 05:37 PM	#3337
Mad Professor Belt Conveyor Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Blighty Posts: 65	A Londoner, an Australian and a South African are having a drink in a West End pub. The Aussie finishes his beer and throws his glass behind him which smashes on the floor. The Londoner asks him why he did that. He says "We've got so much sand in Oz you never have to drink from the same glass twice." Then the South African finishes his drink and smashes the glass on the floor as well. He says "We've got so many endless beaches in SA, you never have to drink from the same glass twice either." Finally the Londoner finishes his beer. He pulls out a gun and shoots his two drinking partners dead. The shocked barman says "Why did you do that?!" The Londoner replies "There's so many Aussies and South Africans in London, you never have to drink with the same two twice." __________________ Nothin' seems that weird anymore Lo Fidelity Allstars

03-25-2010, 05:06 PM	#3338
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I lol'ed multiple times. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

03-25-2010, 05:31 PM	#3339
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	That is awesome! I'll have to send it to my brother, he'll love it. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

03-26-2010, 09:50 AM	#3342
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!" I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit .. i'm sure this has been here before - still funny

03-26-2010, 01:54 PM	#3343
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	This just always has made me laugh. I don't know how they got this past the Censors but they did.. I cannot seem to embed this http://www.hulu.com/watch/4109/satur...gus-comes-home __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

03-27-2010, 09:55 AM	#3345
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A Georgia farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?' She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?' He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,' and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?' The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.. She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?' He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying. She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?' Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.

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