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09-26-2003, 10:15 PM | #31 | |
Umm ... yeah.
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Hey, a chance to reask an old question. Since you use the same method, Dani, maybe you can tell me. Onyx didn't answer...
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09-27-2003, 01:58 PM | #32 |
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Sorry, Whit, didn't see it.
It depends on whether or not the shutting down process was interrupted. If it's allowed to go on until it's done, then I'm actually over it. If it's interrupted, like it was when Steven (the fiancee, not the current husband) was killed, then it just reemerges. I'm only now, 12 years later, getting over that, mostly because I was told by my husband at the time to "deal with it and move on", and I wasn't allowed to grieve. So the time from then to now has been resolving things little teeny bit by bit.
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09-29-2003, 06:26 PM | #33 | |
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09-29-2003, 09:54 PM | #34 |
Umm ... yeah.
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Thanks Onyx and Dani. The suggestion then, is that my experience has been with people that didn't get to cope like that completely then. they got cut off and are having to deal slowly. That makes sense.
If I can ask another, if you can't use this method Onyx said she was " resolving things little teeny bit by bit" any suggestions as to how someone might do this? I mean if they seem to be locked up, how do you get the ball rolling? I really appreciate any help. I've never understood what the hell was going on with these people. Any help you can give me will hopefully help them. Thanks again.
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09-30-2003, 06:40 PM | #35 | |
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09-30-2003, 07:23 PM | #36 |
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I agree with Dani. If my husband at the time had been more supportive and helped me through it, I'm sure it would have been much easier for me to deal with the whole thing. Instead, I was told curtly to "move on" and "I don't understand why this is such a big deal to you."
Well, it wasn't his job to understand why it's a big deal to me, just that it WAS a big deal, and it was his job, as my (loving) husband to care about me enough to just listen. I had no friends at the time, and he didn't want to hear it. So I would say, if you have a close friend/spose/S.O. that is having some sort of meltdown, the BEST thing is to understand that it's ok not to know why they are melting down, just that they ARE, and be there for them, just to listen (not to SOLVE the problem, just listen to it and be supportive). Extra hugs or cuddles is good (if we're talking about a female and she appreciates that sort of thing), or maybe just going out for a beer or something.
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09-30-2003, 07:57 PM | #37 |
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It sure as hell doesn't help when we say what's wrong and you say "nothing" while you're melting down. Give us a damn clue, will ya.:p
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09-30-2003, 08:05 PM | #38 |
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Well, I've never been one of those types of people. I've never been the kind of person that thinks you should be able to read my mind. I'll tell you what my problem is.
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10-01-2003, 02:16 PM | #39 | |
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10-02-2003, 12:40 AM | #40 |
Umm ... yeah.
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Ack... Just listen? But ... but ... if there's a problem ... it ... must be ... fixed...
I hear ya though. I just know a particular person that really needs to go deal with some bad stuff in her past. I just don't know how to get her to start dealing. I don't mean in a "get over it" way. I mean it in a, "You've really been hurt, but you're sabotaging your happiness now, it's time to deal with it" way. Also, I can't be there to listen, actually, even if I could I don't want to be there to listen. But it's affecting others close to me. Kind of a quandry. It was a long shot but I had to try. Thanks anyway.
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10-02-2003, 06:28 PM | #41 | |
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10-03-2003, 12:13 AM | #42 |
Umm ... yeah.
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Yeah, I tried that a while back and it worked for a while. She entered therapy and everything. She's since dropped it and returned to the emotional downward spiral. Even gotten engaged to a guy that treats her like shit and her son hates.
I guess more info is in order. "She" is my daughters mom and I've been raising her son since he was four, he's ten now. I'm the one he turns to for help, I'm the one he chose to help guide him through his young life. I'd be happier if I never had to see her agian, but with the kids that's not how it works. I bear her no ill will, I really wish her the best, just don't want to be there for it. The kids though, I have a responsibility to them and I love them too dearly to let my feelings get in the way of the job of being 'Dad.' The bright side is that the worse she gets, the more I get the kids. Sadly, I'm not a big enough bastard to push my advantage. I'd much rather they have a healthy, loving relationship with their mom. The problem is trying to help her from a distance. For the record, if I post it then you are free to respond to it. It would be stupid to post and not want a response, so fire away.
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10-03-2003, 04:27 PM | #43 | |
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10-03-2003, 07:21 PM | #44 |
Umm ... yeah.
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Heh, actually I think I'm not a complete bastard because I want to help my kids have a normal stable family life. I openly admit that I'm a half-bastard, it even used to be part of my user-title. Hey, what is a normal family anyway...?
I'll try to help. The way I figure it the worse she gets the more I'll have the kids. It's a win-win situation for me. What is important here is that I shield the kids from the worst of it one way or another. Anyway, thanks for your input. I do appreciate it.
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10-03-2003, 07:30 PM | #45 |
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Whit, you're a damn fool. I have tremendous admiration for your ability to do what you're doing. Hope it works out, especially for the kids sake.
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