this is Mr. StaceyV - Page 11

staceyv · 03-03-2004, 07:46 AM

of the 149 posts, only a handful are regarding his most recent lie, which sent me questioning evrything all over again. i HAD resolved the issue. sorry for bothering you all about it, then. i guess i'll just stop.

Beestie · 03-03-2004, 08:37 AM

Originally posted by staceyv

Quote:

of the 149 posts, only a handful are regarding his most recent lie, which sent me questioning evrything all over again.

The information you have provided about him points to the conclusion that he lies a lot and will continue to lie a lot. So, to keep the thread going every time he lies is what led me to call this a "never-ending" thread.

At some point, you are going to need to take matters into your own hands and decide to either trust and stay or leave. My point isn't that you are bothering anyone its that you are choosing NOT to decide but instead restate the obvious and THAT is what is making my hair hurt.

I'm not trying to censor your thread - I'm suggesting that you quit complaining when your husband continues to do exactly what he has done in the past. This isn't an irreconcilable difference - it seems to me to resemble Elionwyr's situation where it just got to the point where the relationship was more trouble than it was worth.

I could be wrong about this but its my sense that you prefer a bad relationship over no relationship. Unless I missed something, I have yet to notice that you considered, if even only for a millisecond, the possibility of leaving him. To never have even considered it is not a good sign given how miserable you are. If so, then until that changes, nothing else will and we might as well convert this thread to a forum.

Brigliadore · 03-03-2004, 01:03 PM

Ok I am going to inject my opinion into this thread. Stacy I am going to tell you a story about one of my past boyfriends. Before I met Alan (hp) I was involved in a 2 1/2 year relationship. This man and I had been friends all through high school but didn't start dating till several years after high school. He moved in about a month after we started dating. Fast yes, but I think you can understand this given how fast you and your husband moved in together. I loved him and I know he loved me but about 6 months into the relationship it started to go south. It was a bunch of little things but the heart of the problem was that this man was selfish. He put himself above all else, and when you are in a committed relationship you cant always do that. If he wanted to go out till all hours of the night, he did, with no regard to how I felt about it. He went to go see an ex-girlfriend while we were together (after he had told me at the start of the relationship that he would leave me in a heart beat if she would take him back). At that point our relationship was good enough that I knew he would never cheat on me, but I still didn't like him going there. Knowing this he still went, because he wanted to and that is what he based all his choices on. After a time I began to see that he was the way he was and wasn't going to change, and I wasn't going to try and make him change. It wasn't that he didn't love me but the way he loved me didn't suite the way i wanted him to love me.

I know how hard it can be to leave someone, I stayed in that 2 1/2 year relationship for about a year longer then I should have. And I was miserable that entire year.

I believe given all I have read posted by you and posted by Arsen (sometimes via you), that you love each other. Sometimes that is not enough. What you need to decide is, Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need. People are the way they are, and while therapy is a good idea, there are still fundamental parts that cannot be changed. Therapy may change how he act for the time being but there is a high probability that he will revert to his old ways. I don't think he is a bad person, he is just who he is. But who he is may not be the type of person who will make you happy.

Again the thing you need to ask yourself and keep asking yourself till the answer is satisfactory to you is:
Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need.

When you have the answer to that then you will know what to do with the relationship.

EDIT: Fixed my messed up grammar

mrnoodle · 03-03-2004, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by staceyv
he posted this on a marriage message board:

Hi everyone.
My name is Arsen, {snip}I have never cheated on my wife, before or after we got married, in fact she is the second girl in my life i have had sex with. {snip} I am a liar. {snip} Arsen.

staceyv · 03-04-2004, 02:13 AM

MY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THIS:

Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need?

yes, with the one exception.(trust issues) i can overlook him being immature and irresponsible, because i can balance that out. just like he balances out my introvertedness by being the social half, and my pessimism by being the optimistic half. and he is loving, affectionate, attractive, generous and sexually compatible with me.

i know that noone is perfect, and i have dated and been in relationships with a lot of men, and i find him to be most compatible with me.

so, maybe i am being an overly loyal and optimistic fool here, but i am not ready to let it go. i want to wait and see if he goes to counseling, if he makes a REAL effort to be honest with me, even if it's uncomfortable for him, and just see what the future brings.

i am not ready to be loving with him or to trust him, hold him, cook for him, really, he's not getting much from me for awhile...i have distanced myself sooo much, but i want to wait and see what time will heal, and i want to see what his efforts are. and i know that i'll come around soon enough and start being nice, because he has that effect on me. it hurts me to be cold to him....
but i also know, that if something happens in the future to make me question our relationship, to make me feel this way, to make me doubt his honesty and intentions with me, i WILL leave him. you can hold me to that one.

Beestie · 03-04-2004, 07:15 AM

Now, that sounds like a woman in charge of her life making a decision with conviction instead of out of desperation.

I suspect y'all are going to have to meet in the middle on the trust thing, tho. Work hard at the relationship, demand to be treated fairly, equally and respectfully, and never put the relationship above yourself and you will be fine. Good luck!!

wolf · 03-04-2004, 09:44 AM

This is only going to last until the next phone call from a female to the house. Or the next time he wants to go out with his friends, or the next time he has any issue with staceyv over some aspect of her behavior.

perth · 03-04-2004, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need?

yes, with the one exception.(trust issues)

Then Stacey, the answer is no. A question of such importance cannot have an answer with caveats and exceptions attached to it. It's yes or no. Period.

You remind me of my brother. He's living with a girl who won't even let him have a key to his own house. She treats him like dirt and says the most horrible things I've ever heard come out of a person's mouth. He complains about it, tells me how much he hates it, but guess what? He stays. He is obviously unhappy and he is obviously in a doomed relationship. But he hasn't left, and he refuses to do so. And now she's carrying his child. This is the worst-case scenario.

You, on the other hand, are in a pretty good position right now. You're not happy, and deep down, I think you know you will never be, in this relationship. Be honest with yourself and you'll find your best course of action blindingly clear.

Your husband is a dick. I've seen his type and guess what? He isn't gonna change. Honesty with your spouse should never be uncomfortable. If I ever had a problem being honest with my wife, it would be because I fucked up real bad and expected her to leave me over it.

limey · 03-04-2004, 10:45 AM

post deleted by limey - me and my big mouth

Undertoad · 03-04-2004, 10:45 AM

The discussion makes me uncomfortable becase Arsen's actions were clearly passive-aggressive and I'm pretty passive-aggressive. If a woman told me I couldn't go see my friends, I might say fine, and then just go see them anyway. That would be how I might assert myself - indirectly. Why have conflict today when you can put it off until tomorrow?

Well, unless I was in a healthier relationship than the one I was just in for a long time. Maybe it would be different then.

Undertoad · 03-04-2004, 10:46 AM

Oh, and I just want to note, I'm not saying I'm not a dick.

I might well be one, can't tell from this point of view.

wolf · 03-04-2004, 10:50 AM

We are only seeing stacey's side of this equation.

We haven't enough of arsen's to make any kind of reasonable guesses as far as his actual behavior or motivations.

We're just hearing the words of a wounded, pissed off woman, who is not in a position to present anything the poor guy does in a positive light.

And no, Stacey, don't take this as a request to force him to participate here. It isn't.

We are seeing arsen through stacey's eyes right now ... and she may needs some 'glasses' -- not rose colored ones, but realistic-colored ones.

perth · 03-04-2004, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by wolf
We are only seeing stacey's side of this equation.

We haven't enough of arsen's to make any kind of reasonable guesses as far as his actual behavior or motivations.

We're just hearing the words of a wounded, pissed off woman, who is not in a position to present anything the poor guy does in a positive light.

And no, Stacey, don't take this as a request to force him to participate here. It isn't.

We are seeing arsen through stacey's eyes right now ... and she may needs some 'glasses' -- not rose colored ones, but realistic-colored ones.

You're right. I take back calling him a dick. But I stand by the rest, for now.

lumberjim · 03-04-2004, 10:56 AM

jinx says I'm passive aggressive, too. I don't think I am, I think it's just her being mean. Is that passive aggressive of me to say?

staceyv · 03-04-2004, 11:11 AM

wolf, you obviously missed the part on page 10 where i posted his point of view.

03-03-2004, 01:03 PM	#153
Brigliadore stays crispy in milk Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: A strange planet called Utah Posts: 270	Ok I am going to inject my opinion into this thread. Stacy I am going to tell you a story about one of my past boyfriends. Before I met Alan (hp) I was involved in a 2 1/2 year relationship. This man and I had been friends all through high school but didn't start dating till several years after high school. He moved in about a month after we started dating. Fast yes, but I think you can understand this given how fast you and your husband moved in together. I loved him and I know he loved me but about 6 months into the relationship it started to go south. It was a bunch of little things but the heart of the problem was that this man was selfish. He put himself above all else, and when you are in a committed relationship you cant always do that. If he wanted to go out till all hours of the night, he did, with no regard to how I felt about it. He went to go see an ex-girlfriend while we were together (after he had told me at the start of the relationship that he would leave me in a heart beat if she would take him back). At that point our relationship was good enough that I knew he would never cheat on me, but I still didn't like him going there. Knowing this he still went, because he wanted to and that is what he based all his choices on. After a time I began to see that he was the way he was and wasn't going to change, and I wasn't going to try and make him change. It wasn't that he didn't love me but the way he loved me didn't suite the way i wanted him to love me. I know how hard it can be to leave someone, I stayed in that 2 1/2 year relationship for about a year longer then I should have. And I was miserable that entire year. I believe given all I have read posted by you and posted by Arsen (sometimes via you), that you love each other. Sometimes that is not enough. What you need to decide is, Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need. People are the way they are, and while therapy is a good idea, there are still fundamental parts that cannot be changed. Therapy may change how he act for the time being but there is a high probability that he will revert to his old ways. I don't think he is a bad person, he is just who he is. But who he is may not be the type of person who will make you happy. Again the thing you need to ask yourself and keep asking yourself till the answer is satisfactory to you is: Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need. When you have the answer to that then you will know what to do with the relationship. EDIT: Fixed my messed up grammar __________________ I cant think of anything to put here so this is all I am going to write. Last edited by Brigliadore; 03-03-2004 at 03:12 PM.

03-04-2004, 07:15 AM	#156
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Now, that sounds like a woman in charge of her life making a decision with conviction instead of out of desperation. I suspect y'all are going to have to meet in the middle on the trust thing, tho. Work hard at the relationship, demand to be treated fairly, equally and respectfully, and never put the relationship above yourself and you will be fine. Good luck!! __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

03-04-2004, 09:44 AM	#157
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	This is only going to last until the next phone call from a female to the house. Or the next time he wants to go out with his friends, or the next time he has any issue with staceyv over some aspect of her behavior. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

03-04-2004, 10:45 AM	#159
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	post deleted by limey - me and my big mouth __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of Last edited by limey; 03-04-2004 at 10:59 AM.

03-04-2004, 10:50 AM	#162
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	We are only seeing stacey's side of this equation. We haven't enough of arsen's to make any kind of reasonable guesses as far as his actual behavior or motivations. We're just hearing the words of a wounded, pissed off woman, who is not in a position to present anything the poor guy does in a positive light. And no, Stacey, don't take this as a request to force him to participate here. It isn't. We are seeing arsen through stacey's eyes right now ... and she may needs some 'glasses' -- not rose colored ones, but realistic-colored ones. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

03-03-2004, 07:46 AM	#151
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	of the 149 posts, only a handful are regarding his most recent lie, which sent me questioning evrything all over again. i HAD resolved the issue. sorry for bothering you all about it, then. i guess i'll just stop.

03-04-2004, 02:13 AM	#155
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	MY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THIS: Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need? yes, with the one exception.(trust issues) i can overlook him being immature and irresponsible, because i can balance that out. just like he balances out my introvertedness by being the social half, and my pessimism by being the optimistic half. and he is loving, affectionate, attractive, generous and sexually compatible with me. i know that noone is perfect, and i have dated and been in relationships with a lot of men, and i find him to be most compatible with me. so, maybe i am being an overly loyal and optimistic fool here, but i am not ready to let it go. i want to wait and see if he goes to counseling, if he makes a REAL effort to be honest with me, even if it's uncomfortable for him, and just see what the future brings. i am not ready to be loving with him or to trust him, hold him, cook for him, really, he's not getting much from me for awhile...i have distanced myself sooo much, but i want to wait and see what time will heal, and i want to see what his efforts are. and i know that i'll come around soon enough and start being nice, because he has that effect on me. it hurts me to be cold to him.... but i also know, that if something happens in the future to make me question our relationship, to make me feel this way, to make me doubt his honesty and intentions with me, i WILL leave him. you can hold me to that one.

03-04-2004, 10:45 AM	#160
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	The discussion makes me uncomfortable becase Arsen's actions were clearly passive-aggressive and I'm pretty passive-aggressive. If a woman told me I couldn't go see my friends, I might say fine, and then just go see them anyway. That would be how I might assert myself - indirectly. Why have conflict today when you can put it off until tomorrow? Well, unless I was in a healthier relationship than the one I was just in for a long time. Maybe it would be different then.

03-04-2004, 10:46 AM	#161
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Oh, and I just want to note, I'm not saying I'm not a dick. I might well be one, can't tell from this point of view.

03-04-2004, 10:56 AM	#164
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	jinx says I'm passive aggressive, too. I don't think I am, I think it's just her being mean. Is that passive aggressive of me to say? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-04-2004, 11:11 AM	#165
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	wolf, you obviously missed the part on page 10 where i posted his point of view.

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