younger woman with older man

[yesman065]

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I know I can say that everyday, but this day is different. Yesterday Nic and I ended our relationship for good after 2 1/2 years. I set free the love of my life.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. Anonymous

She is the most beautiful and precious woman I have ever met. She touched me in ways that I did not know possible. She gave back to me the ability to hope and to love. She deserves to reap all the beauty and wonder that this world has to offer. She treated me like a king and I treated her like my queen. She was. I will love her always.

Today I am struggling to breathe, to type, to get up and go forward. It has been said that "Time heals all wounds." Well yeah, except for the fatal ones. My heart currently feels as though this is one of them. I am shattered, broken, lost and alone. What I really need is my best friend to help me. Unfortunately, that is Nic also. She cannot come here because she is hurting too and needs to deal with this in her own way. Therefore I have to do this alone. I'll try, I will. Let the pain flow – let the pain go. This is much easier said than done. So far I am failing horribly – I am wallowing in my loss, in my grief, in my pain, in my sorrow and in my despair … in all the negativity there is associated with this. I have to let it go – I have to let her go. How do I do that emotionally?

I feel as though I somehow killed the most precious thing in the world to me. My soul is beaten. I can't stop feeling this guilt & loss. I want to call her and tell her so many things - to make her pain go away - to make it all better for her. I can't do that anymore - she doesn't want me anymore. I still worry about her, I still care, I still want to care for her. That will never stop.

I want to run to her and feel her warmth. Love and console her, feel her console me as only she can. Never again will that happen. Never again. That permanence is huge, so massive and so immense. I am overwhelmed. I feel so alone. She completed me - she gave me reason, she was an integral part of my very being. We fit so well together it scared me at times. A love that burned so brightly couldn't last... Why?

I need to find hope again. I need to focus on me again. I need something to believe in again. I need to start living for me again. I know all this, but I don't WANT it. I have to force it now. Put a fake smile on my face, lie to people when asked and say things are good. I have to breathe, just breathe.