Don't know how to say this ...

orthodoc · 04-14-2013, 07:05 PM

... but I've decided to get remarried. I'm nervous about saying it after all the support and encouragement everyone gave me last year, and ongoing. But for the same reasons you deserve to know.

I accepted my ex's help last summer after my diagnosis. He was respectful and went beyond what I could possibly have expected. Yes, you could say he had an agenda, but he was genuinely distraught over my situation and did crazy things with his schedule in order to be in my town when he was needed. I told him to back off two different times, when I felt crowded, and he did. He didn't approach me again until I asked.

I needed the physical help. I had complications that I couldn't manage by myself, and too much general illness to handle and keep working without literal physical help. I'm very grateful for what he did.

Maybe gratitude isn't the basis for a marriage, but it's a start. Friendship is a start, in fact it's probably the bedrock. All I was looking for with the 'friend' who brutally dumped me the second I had my diagnosis was affectionate friendship. After all that's happened, I think I can do affectionate friendship.

One thing with my ex - I've known him forever, I know him very very well. There are no surprises lurking, no unexpected monster, no sudden out-of-the-blue departures forthcoming. That sounds selfish, but I will do the same for him. My departure last year wasn't out-of-the-blue, for that matter; we talked and argued and cried through a lot. In the ensuing months we had a number of very direct, uncomfortable discussions about everything that happened. I finally feel I can move on.

I value myself now, in a way I haven't ever done. If things go south in future I won't hesitate to leave. I've done it successfully once and I can do it again. I don't think I'll have to, but I know I can do it and so does he.

In the meantime, in the time I have to be healthy (a year, a bunch of years, who knows - I don't have distant mets at the moment but I have regional spread), I'd like to be able to share and enjoy things in company. There are things I want to do, and it'd be nice to do them with someone else. And I have no illusions about how things would go if I put myself out there again, hoping for an 'affectionate friendship'. Been there, done that, learned my lesson. Won't do it again.

I also find that I'm not ready or able to give up my property in PA. It was jointly owned, but I designed and oversaw the building of the house; I planted all the gardens; I did everything on and to that property. It gives me peace. It's my little piece of heaven.

I'll never be financially dependent again; we'll keep finances essentially as they are now so that that never happens. I have had a professional setback in that my job in smalltown, the one I was going to return to, almost certainly won't be there. I'll have to set up my own practice or find another way to earn income. It'll probably work out for the best, but if I get sick again before I get established I could be without income and insurance, and without practical help.

I don't mean this to sound mercenary, but I've never had cancer before. Getting that sick changes a lot of things. I've had to not only think through my priorities, but plan for what happens when I get sick again. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I will certainly do everything in my power to make it a long time until 'when', but not everything is in my power. I know my ex will help me when I get sick again. On the other hand, he has some very serious health problems himself. If he gets sick, I'll help him.

You probably don't want to know all of this, but I want to explain somewhat in light of how difficult last year was, knowing how much you all helped me and how much I appreciated it. As I said, I'm nervous about announcing this but need to get it out there ...

richlevy · 04-14-2013, 07:22 PM

Be Happy.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-14-2013, 07:33 PM

OK.
It sounds like a practical decision, one you've carefully thought through.
Hopefully he has a new perspective of you, your strength, ability, goals and will accept you as a partner and colleague.

But damn, if you wanted to get laid, all you had to do is say so.
Sorry, couldn't resist.

As always, good luck, we'll be cheering for you.

Aliantha · 04-14-2013, 08:01 PM

Congratulations ortho. I wish you all the best.

xxx

orthodoc · 04-14-2013, 08:02 PM

Thanks, Bruce.

Thank you, rich and Ali.

ZenGum · 04-14-2013, 08:05 PM

It's an unusual case, but I know another person (a doctor, no less) who left a psychologically abusive relationship for about five years, but has since reconciled with him, and they're now happy together (as far as I know). Could be that seeing her stand up to him, and leave him, triggered some serious self-assessment on his part. He had initiated the reconciliation with an unsolicited acknowledgment and apology for his past misconduct. And the time off let her grow in strength and self belief.

Well, good luck. And in fact,CONGRATULATIONS.

orthodoc · 04-14-2013, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Could be that seeing her stand up to him, and leave him, triggered some serious self-assessment on his part. He had initiated the reconciliation with an unsolicited acknowledgment and apology for his past misconduct. And the time off let her grow in strength and self belief.

Thank you, Zen! Your analysis hit the nail on the head, in this situation as well as that one. I couldn't have explained it better.

elSicomoro · 04-14-2013, 10:11 PM

If you're both happy and will not repeat similar mistakes...then all is good.

zippyt · 04-14-2013, 10:29 PM

I have k own a few folks that ha e divorced and remarried few times ,
Good luck!!

footfootfoot · 04-14-2013, 10:38 PM

You're going into this open eyed.

DanaC · 04-15-2013, 01:53 AM

Good luck Ortho! And congratulations

limey · 04-15-2013, 02:50 AM

Good luck and be happy!

Sent by thought transference

glatt · 04-15-2013, 07:14 AM

Congratulations, Orthodoc!

infinite monkey · 04-15-2013, 07:31 AM

I'm happy for you. I do think that things can 'change' in a relationship, sometimes as a result of a giant slap in the face (the cancer diagnosis, and for him: you leaving) and I also believe that if you once cared and loved each other, it's in there somewhere.

Sometimes that isn't enough, but sometimes it is.

I send you best wishes, and I thank you for reminding me that life is fluid, and things can change, and do.

Clodfobble · 04-15-2013, 08:24 AM

What matters is if the two of you are happy. As long as that's true, then more power to you.

04-14-2013, 07:05 PM	#1
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Don't know how to say this ... ... but I've decided to get remarried. I'm nervous about saying it after all the support and encouragement everyone gave me last year, and ongoing. But for the same reasons you deserve to know. I accepted my ex's help last summer after my diagnosis. He was respectful and went beyond what I could possibly have expected. Yes, you could say he had an agenda, but he was genuinely distraught over my situation and did crazy things with his schedule in order to be in my town when he was needed. I told him to back off two different times, when I felt crowded, and he did. He didn't approach me again until I asked. I needed the physical help. I had complications that I couldn't manage by myself, and too much general illness to handle and keep working without literal physical help. I'm very grateful for what he did. Maybe gratitude isn't the basis for a marriage, but it's a start. Friendship is a start, in fact it's probably the bedrock. All I was looking for with the 'friend' who brutally dumped me the second I had my diagnosis was affectionate friendship. After all that's happened, I think I can do affectionate friendship. One thing with my ex - I've known him forever, I know him very very well. There are no surprises lurking, no unexpected monster, no sudden out-of-the-blue departures forthcoming. That sounds selfish, but I will do the same for him. My departure last year wasn't out-of-the-blue, for that matter; we talked and argued and cried through a lot. In the ensuing months we had a number of very direct, uncomfortable discussions about everything that happened. I finally feel I can move on. I value myself now, in a way I haven't ever done. If things go south in future I won't hesitate to leave. I've done it successfully once and I can do it again. I don't think I'll have to, but I know I can do it and so does he. In the meantime, in the time I have to be healthy (a year, a bunch of years, who knows - I don't have distant mets at the moment but I have regional spread), I'd like to be able to share and enjoy things in company. There are things I want to do, and it'd be nice to do them with someone else. And I have no illusions about how things would go if I put myself out there again, hoping for an 'affectionate friendship'. Been there, done that, learned my lesson. Won't do it again. I also find that I'm not ready or able to give up my property in PA. It was jointly owned, but I designed and oversaw the building of the house; I planted all the gardens; I did everything on and to that property. It gives me peace. It's my little piece of heaven. I'll never be financially dependent again; we'll keep finances essentially as they are now so that that never happens. I have had a professional setback in that my job in smalltown, the one I was going to return to, almost certainly won't be there. I'll have to set up my own practice or find another way to earn income. It'll probably work out for the best, but if I get sick again before I get established I could be without income and insurance, and without practical help. I don't mean this to sound mercenary, but I've never had cancer before. Getting that sick changes a lot of things. I've had to not only think through my priorities, but plan for what happens when I get sick again. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I will certainly do everything in my power to make it a long time until 'when', but not everything is in my power. I know my ex will help me when I get sick again. On the other hand, he has some very serious health problems himself. If he gets sick, I'll help him. You probably don't want to know all of this, but I want to explain somewhat in light of how difficult last year was, knowing how much you all helped me and how much I appreciated it. As I said, I'm nervous about announcing this but need to get it out there ... __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

04-14-2013, 07:22 PM	#2
richlevy King Of Wishful Thinking Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Philadelphia Suburbs Posts: 6,669	Be Happy. __________________ Exercise your rights and remember your obligations - VOTE! I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. -- Barack Hussein Obama

04-14-2013, 07:33 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	OK. It sounds like a practical decision, one you've carefully thought through. Hopefully he has a new perspective of you, your strength, ability, goals and will accept you as a partner and colleague. But damn, if you wanted to get laid, all you had to do is say so. Sorry, couldn't resist. As always, good luck, we'll be cheering for you. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

04-14-2013, 08:01 PM	#4
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Congratulations ortho. I wish you all the best. xxx __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

04-14-2013, 08:02 PM	#5
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Thanks, Bruce. Thank you, rich and Ali. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

04-14-2013, 08:05 PM	#6
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	It's an unusual case, but I know another person (a doctor, no less) who left a psychologically abusive relationship for about five years, but has since reconciled with him, and they're now happy together (as far as I know). Could be that seeing her stand up to him, and leave him, triggered some serious self-assessment on his part. He had initiated the reconciliation with an unsolicited acknowledgment and apology for his past misconduct. And the time off let her grow in strength and self belief. Well, good luck. And in fact,CONGRATULATIONS. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

04-14-2013, 10:11 PM	#8
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	If you're both happy and will not repeat similar mistakes...then all is good.

04-14-2013, 10:29 PM	#9
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	I have k own a few folks that ha e divorced and remarried few times , Good luck!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

04-14-2013, 10:38 PM	#10
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	You're going into this open eyed. Attached Images __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

04-15-2013, 02:50 AM	#12
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Good luck and be happy! Sent by thought transference __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

04-15-2013, 07:14 AM	#13
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Congratulations, Orthodoc!

04-15-2013, 07:31 AM	#14
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	I'm happy for you. I do think that things can 'change' in a relationship, sometimes as a result of a giant slap in the face (the cancer diagnosis, and for him: you leaving) and I also believe that if you once cared and loved each other, it's in there somewhere. Sometimes that isn't enough, but sometimes it is. I send you best wishes, and I thank you for reminding me that life is fluid, and things can change, and do.

04-15-2013, 08:24 AM	#15
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	What matters is if the two of you are happy. As long as that's true, then more power to you. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

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