Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 232

xoxoxoBruce · 05-15-2010, 12:28 PM

One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

rditlkustoleit · 05-16-2010, 11:29 PM

So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping.

One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep.

While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here."

The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!"

monster · 05-20-2010, 08:43 AM

probably not it's first appearance in this thread but reduce, reuse, recycle, right?

A young girl is sitting in the hair salon with her mother, eating a twinkie while her mother get her hair cut. When her turn comes, the girl brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.
The hairdresser is snipping away and warns "You're going to get hair on your twinkie,"
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm going to get boobies, too."

Shawnee123 · 05-20-2010, 09:03 AM

hAHAHAHA!

Might be another oldie:

A woman is thinking of putting a loved one in a nursing home. She is taking a tour of one, when she noted a male patient being given a hand job by a nurse.

What is going on? she asks. The staff member explains that if that man doesn't ejaculate every 4 hours, he will die. Rare, but it happens.

So they head down another hallway. In another room, a male patient is being given a blow job by a nurse.

"What in the world?" she asks.

"I know, it's really rare, but we have two patients who will die if they don't ejaculate every 4 hours."

"Well, how come the first guy was getting a hand job and this one is getting a blow job?"

The staff member replied "This guy has better insurance."

GunMaster357 · 05-22-2010, 06:14 AM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.....

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Gravdigr · 05-24-2010, 04:55 AM

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Gravdigr · 05-24-2010, 04:56 AM

.

Gravdigr · 05-24-2010, 06:02 AM

Just. Wow.

Gravdigr · 05-26-2010, 06:24 AM

.

Nirvana · 05-26-2010, 10:14 AM

Apple Does it Again

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them..

Nirvana · 05-29-2010, 04:56 PM

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year,
The Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.....
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

squirell nutkin · 05-29-2010, 08:16 PM

You know why there are no Chinese telephone directories?

There are so many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there are two Wong numbers.

Cloud · 06-01-2010, 01:12 PM

I'm qualified to repost this, as a native Californian expatted to Texas:

Coyote Problem

California:

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi"
and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and
spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200
testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for
diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife
services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear
of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote
awareness" program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better
handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack
and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent
$0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

Any wonder why California is broke?

classicman · 06-01-2010, 01:19 PM

HA HA HA HA! very good. needed that

Gravdigr · 06-02-2010, 03:45 AM

.

05-15-2010, 12:28 PM	#3466
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-16-2010, 11:29 PM	#3467
rditlkustoleit Violator of Customs Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 49	So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping. One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep. While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here." The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!" __________________ If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?!

05-20-2010, 08:43 AM	#3468
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	probably not it's first appearance in this thread but reduce, reuse, recycle, right? A young girl is sitting in the hair salon with her mother, eating a twinkie while her mother get her hair cut. When her turn comes, the girl brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the stylist covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. The hairdresser is snipping away and warns "You're going to get hair on your twinkie," "Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm going to get boobies, too." __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

05-20-2010, 09:03 AM	#3469
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	hAHAHAHA! Might be another oldie: A woman is thinking of putting a loved one in a nursing home. She is taking a tour of one, when she noted a male patient being given a hand job by a nurse. What is going on? she asks. The staff member explains that if that man doesn't ejaculate every 4 hours, he will die. Rare, but it happens. So they head down another hallway. In another room, a male patient is being given a blow job by a nurse. "What in the world?" she asks. "I know, it's really rare, but we have two patients who will die if they don't ejaculate every 4 hours." "Well, how come the first guy was getting a hand job and this one is getting a blow job?" The staff member replied "This guy has better insurance." __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

05-22-2010, 06:14 AM	#3470
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

05-24-2010, 04:55 AM	#3471
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves. The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?' __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-24-2010, 04:56 AM	#3472
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-24-2010, 06:02 AM	#3473
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Just. Wow. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-26-2010, 06:24 AM	#3474
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

05-26-2010, 10:14 AM	#3475
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Apple Does it Again Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-29-2010, 04:56 PM	#3476
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, The Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents..... 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him... Are you ready for this? Sum Ting Wong __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-29-2010, 08:16 PM	#3477
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	You know why there are no Chinese telephone directories? There are so many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there are two Wong numbers. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

06-01-2010, 01:12 PM	#3478
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	I'm qualified to repost this, as a native Californian expatted to Texas: Coyote Problem California: Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog. #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals. #6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area. #7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease. #8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene. #9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent. #10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state. Texas: #1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote. Any wonder why California is broke? __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

06-01-2010, 01:19 PM	#3479
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	HA HA HA HA! very good. needed that __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-02-2010, 03:45 AM	#3480
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off. Last edited by Gravdigr; 06-02-2010 at 03:46 AM. Reason: Forgot the picture.

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