Getting A Life

[Juniper]

Help me get a life. I feel really sad and pathetic right now so please be kind.

As I've posted in the past, I'm a freelance writer. I do business writing, though lately it's been slow to say the least. Did get one big check recently so all's not lost. I need motivation.

But mostly I need a life. For the last two years I've been in college, with Brianna--well, not exactly *with* her, but in the same school and occasionally passing in the hallways. That was great because it got me up and moving and provided feedback and quantification of my efforts, social interaction and a reason to get up in the morning. I got almost all A's so I felt pretty damn good about myself. Earned my degree.

I've been thinking about going back for my M.A. but can't justify the expense right now. The B.A. was easier to justify, because what can you really do without it? The M.A. sort of feels like something I'm only doing for my own satisfaction, not for a real return on investment. I don't need it for what I do. But it would get me up and out of the house and around actual people, which I'm desperate for right now.

But is it worth $1,700 per class to get me out of the house and around people? Seems kind of pathetic. I've considered taking a part time job someplace pleasant, say at a bookstore, just to get out of the house. I did this several years ago at Target, cashiering, and it was FUN . . . I swear it was fun, though I had to cut it down to one day a week because my family freaked out at not having me there to tend to their every whim. Sad, isn't it? But I've made them my highest priority, I feel it should be that way, too, gosh I'm so old fashioned, cooking, cleaning, gardening, sewing, canning . . . sigh. I'm like such a traditional wife and mother with the apron and the home cooked meal, you know? I like it, but it distresses me too because this was not at all the life I expected for myself when I was in my early 20s. And not really who I am inside. I'm just not "grandma" yet, you know?

And I'm depressed. I mean I am seriously, clinically depressed.

I need to be around people. I don't know what exactly I want to do. Working a "real job" might be nice. Or volunteering somewhere. In my dreams I'm playing in a band . . . okay that will never happen, but I'm just not ready to be a nice old lady wearing and apron who gardens, sews and cooks . . . somewhere inside is a trapped courtesan-slash-daredevil.

Somewhere in all this drivel is the answer . . . or maybe this is just your average mid-life crisis rant. I don't know. But if anybody has something to say, one way or another, I'd appreciate the feedback.

[limey]

Originally Posted by Juniper

... the last two years I've been in college, ... That was great because it got me up and moving and provided feedback and quantification of my efforts, social interaction and a reason to get up in the morning. ...I felt pretty damn good about myself. ...

Worth $1,700 per class? - sounds like it to me!

...The M.A. sort of feels like something I'm only doing for my own satisfaction ...

Surely part of getting a life is finding things to do for your own satisfaction? I fear you feel you're not worth spending that amount on because of your depression.

... In my dreams I'm playing in a band . . . okay that will never happen, ....

Why not? I assume you play an instrument? Find others (perhaps back at college ) who play the same type of music, find a rehearsal space, arrange to get together on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be in front of a crowd for it to be fun. Who knows where it may lead?

Juniper, if you need to be around people, then maybe writing is not the ideal career for you? If it were not your career, maybe you could use it for emotional satisfaction or personal self-discovery?
If you like that you've made a home for your family does it matter than it's not the life you expected? If you are now restless about that, maybe it is time to your family to learn a little independence, and you to try other things, such as you're thinking about?

Are you getting treatment for the depression?

Sorry these are more questions than answers.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Maybe you and Brianna need to find an old Thunderbird convertible, and a pistol, and... no that wouldn't end well. But Brianna may be the key if you can find a mutual interest, even just once a week, it would do you both good.

You know there are women who would gladly swap, for an old fashioned "idyllic" lifestyle, because their life is frenzied and uncertain. Got to find some balance between secure, and interesting. You're unhappy with your life, but you don't have to change it all. Just small incremental changes that please you, until you've changed it enough.

With the change in the political winds there should be less ranting on the homefront, just got to wake up his libido... you got the boobs. $1700 doesn't sound like much, especially when you earn it yourself, to keep you from going nuts. You'd eat that up pretty quickly on antidepressants/antipsychotics.

If all that fails, hang gliding, belly dancing, crop dusting, teaching, demolition derbys.... Just keep in mind you're not the only one, you're not alone.

[TheMercenary]

Originally Posted by Juniper

I need to be around people. I don't know what exactly I want to do. Working a "real job" might be nice. Or volunteering somewhere.

We officially became empty nesters when my last teen went off to college in Aug. My wife has been volunteering at the local elementary school with a friend of ours who is the school nurse. All the kids need hearing and eye tests every 2 years or so and they could use help during these times. Other times she helps out for half a day in the main office when she feels like it, one time a week. You might consider something like that for some form of social interaction. You could substitute teach as well, in you specialty you may be able to do the english classes.

[Shawnee123]

As much as I hate it, I have to work. I mean, I have to work because otherwise I can become very depressed and withdrawn and slug-like.

I think the bookstore idea is great, Juniper. Do something like that for a while, then take the time to decide if you're ready to go for your master's degree.

I think the depression tells you "you must do something significant NOW or you have failed." That is not true. Do what you want and can. Work in a bookstore. Get your master's degree. Don't pressure yourself to make the exact "right" decision.

I think you should get your master's so I can be jealous. I'm too lazy to do that.

[Trilby]

Oh, Juni. You've nailed it. I feel very much the same. Now that I'm no longer in school I find myself drifting, drifting...which, as a recovering person, is NOT good (my own head is a bad neighborhood). I have no purpose - no reason to even get out of bed. I'm depressed, too. Came on about Thanksgiving and was really bad at Christmas. My doc put me on a new med but it makes me eat and sleep. I've been sleeping 12 hours a night on it!! and soooo tired during the day. Ugh.

I DO need a reason to get up and out and interact. I feel like I'm being buried alive.

I was thinking of the Salvation Army- to volunteer. Surely that would help me feel grateful?

Juni - could you take just ONE class towards your MS? to start with?

ETA - maybe you should see your doc?

[glatt]

Your family deserves a mom/wife who is happy. You need to take care of yourself. If that mean that you take a small step away from your family to go do something for yourself, then so be it. Your family will be better off if you are happy.

I like the job idea, just because you thought it was fun, and it will bring money in. That's two good things. No real downside. Bookstore sounds perfect.

[Pico and ME]

And start going for long walks. Best. Medicine. Ever.

(Just dress really really warm and the cold wont be an issue)

[Flint]

I too recommend getting some light OUTDOOR cardiovascular exercise, with the sunshine on your face, making Vitamin D. This is my short, Bb prescription.

[Lamplighter]

A Master program is a very good thing, BUT...
... for a freelance writer, is it necessary right NOW

Do you know yet what area of writing you want to pursue ?
Do you need more mentoring on the technical skills of writing ?
Is a Master's what you need, or what you want, or is it a hide-out ?


As a freelancer or consultant just out of college, the climb can be steep.

Where do you fit into this sequence right now ?
...advertising=>new clients=>your reputation=>
...new contracts=>contract completion=>$ payment=>
...job satisfaction=>life contentment

A part-time job that puts you in contact with people has several benefits:
... a regular $ income just to meet essentials
... a reason to get up and out of the house on the days you work
... an interaction with new people - not family, not friends, not Dwellars
... a line on your resume

... most of all, for a young writer it can give more "world experience"
... a possible meeting of new clients or subjects for your writing
... a breathing space while you get your "business" going
... an opportunity to build credibility/reputation as a writer

... a sense of independence

[Juniper]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

A Master program is a very good thing, BUT...
... for a freelance writer, is it necessary right NOW

Do you know yet what area of writing you want to pursue ?
Do you need more mentoring on the technical skills of writing ?
Is a Master's what you need, or what you want, or is it a hide-out ?

No, probably not necessary. Probably a hide-out. I already had clients before I went back, and dang it, it was *hard* being a freelancer, so when I was in college it was so easy to say that I was sort of putting my business on the back burner for now . . . just till I finish my degree. And it's still hard being a freelancer, you know?

... most of all, for a young writer it can give more "world experience"
... a possible meeting of new clients or subjects for your writing
... a breathing space while you get your "business" going
... an opportunity to build credibility/reputation as a writer

... a sense of independence

Bwahahaha..... Lamplighter, I am not a "young writer." The only thing young about me is my diploma.

Yes, I think I will try for that part time job at the bookstore. I'm applying for other jobs too. My family doesn't want me to go back full time, but I think I've just gotten to the point where I have to accept I might not be a good candidate for working at home on my own, I'm much too lazy and spoiled.

Thanks for the advice and empathy, everyone. I was walking outside in the summer, but I hate cold weather. It did help though. And no, no meds--I think if I can just get my ass in gear and make some lifestyle changes I'll be all right. The biggest part of this is knowing I'm depressed, right? Recognizing it for what it is.