Need advice re woman at his work - Page 2

footfootfoot · 08-04-2006, 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Griff

Maybe you should pop by security and get the video.

There you go Griff, that's what you should watch since the chicas are out tonight...

bluecuracao · 08-04-2006, 09:50 PM

lillypilly--I don't think you deserve the misery he's causing you with his shady behavior. If you are the one he loves and plans on marrying, then he should be concerned about *your* happiness--not sneaking around with some doe-eyed co-worker.

You may come off as very jealous if you insist that he not invite her to dinner (so what)--but you would also be protecting your right not to be put in an antagonizing situation. I'm sure the rest of the work team would understand only too well why she wasn't invited. If the fiance is embarrassed by it, he would only have himself to blame.

If he leaves you again, tell him not to let the door hit his cheating ass. There are better men out there.

MsSparkie · 08-04-2006, 11:21 PM

You deserve better!!!! He is involved deeply but it might be platonic, but they are close. I don't know enough to say. But your feelings deserve acknowledgement and you deserve security and peace of mind. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop and him leaving you, why not be proactive and leave him? Of course I realize you love him. It's gonna hurt like hell....

But take it as another life lesson, and there are only about 349,856 left for you to learn. So move on and see what else you can encounter in the way of adventures and challenges. Go have fun. Be treated with respect by the next guy or don't give him your heart.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-05-2006, 01:05 AM

Just because they act like George and Condi, doesn't mean it's more than a friendship. Maybe he gets pissy when you question him because it's the millionth time you've asked the same questions. Maybe he's concealing things because you get pissy over nothing of consequence. Maybe he's trying to work around your clingyness because he actually loves you. Maybe it's all in your imagination.

But, you know what, even if all that were true.....don't marry him.

You don't fit as a couple and with all this shit during the courting stage, I doubt it would work out when you got down to the routine of marriage.

My point is, it really doesn't matter much who's fault it is, you don't play well together.

WabUfvot5 · 08-05-2006, 04:37 AM

Yeah, he doesn't seem worth marrying as the others say. That much is evident... but it's all too easy for him to blame it all on you if you give him an ultimatum at a work related party. Not that he isn't making you feel wrong already. Break up with him over lying if you need a reason.

MsSparkie · 08-05-2006, 06:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Just because they act like George and Condi, doesn't mean it's more than a friendship. Maybe he gets pissy when you question him because it's the millionth time you've asked the same questions. Maybe he's concealing things because you get pissy over nothing of consequence. Maybe he's trying to work around your clingyness because he actually loves you. Maybe it's all in your imagination.

But, you know what, even if all that were true.....don't marry him.

You don't fit as a couple and with all this shit during the courting stage, I doubt it would work out when you got down to the routine of marriage.

My point is, it really doesn't matter much who's fault it is, you don't play well together.

I have to admit this hits it it home. Especially the last sentence!!!!! It's one to remember. Finding fault takes a lot of energy and if you know it's not going to get better, skip it and accept failure. There is no shame to that! The only shame would be beating a dead horse on and on and on.....

xoxoxoBruce · 08-05-2006, 10:00 PM

It's not a failure.
Look, when you go out to buy a dress, you find one you really like then try it on but it doesn't suit you.
Who's failure, yours or the dress designer's?

Deciding you and Mr/Ms X, are not compatible, is NOT a failure.

Sun_Sparkz · 08-07-2006, 02:15 AM

we dont know the full situation.

I used to be in a situation LIKE this though. a girl at my fiance's work drove me INSANE with jealousy for about 5 months when he first started at his new woek. she was "training" him and also befriended him. they would do everything you descibed.. and more. but it was all in my head in the end.. and yes.. my SO used to be furious and go all red and steam out of his ears.. the works ...when i used to question him.. but thats only because i questioned him so many times. i would have a bad dream about them together and i would wake up so upset and wake him at 2am in the mornign and be crying "your fucking her arent you!", and other ridiculous insecure insults and questions.

haha.. i was so insanely jealous.. and she loved every second of it. trying to make me feel like she knew him better than me. dropping little thorns here and there "oh me and deano shared a subway the other day, haha he has those thing so SPICY with all those halapenos.. oh *giggle giggle* i had to make him buy me a juice afterward" spew.

but he really loved me, and it WAS only a friendship in the end and absolutely nothing more i could bet my life on it now.. but back then i was ready to walk out the door. It was more my own insecurities than anything else.

The best thing that got me over it: spending time with her. and being with them together.

Go to this party.. INSIST that he invite her. go to special effort that whole day to look like HOT SHIT. then go.. and show her the fuck up. YOU his hot sexy girlfriend and your the one he sleeps up to everynight and your the one he is MARRYING so that is what matters - and then befriend her. with crocodile smiles of course.

yesman065 · 08-07-2006, 08:24 AM

DON'T MARRY THIS GUY. He is absoutely not worth the emotional pain and anguish he will cause you. But do it right - say what you need to say tell him why - hes already got one foot out the door as it is and seems to be too much of a pussy to do it himself. Screw that! Send his weak, lying, cheating ass packin and show HIM up when you see him next with your new REAL man.

lillypilly7 · 08-08-2006, 10:10 PM

Thank you everyone who replied! I got such a pleasant surprise today when I managed to get back here. Your replies made me feel sooo much better and your words have helped me so much. Thank you.

I fell in love with my fiance almost at first sight - he treated me differently then, when I knew little about him but thought I knew him. It's so hard to take your heart back once you've given it away.

Many of you had more questions and so here's a bit of an answer. Sorry it’s so long again. I promise to write briefly next time. Sorry I don't know how to insert quotes.

DucksNuts – she is only friendly with him, the others get ignored. If I have dared to say anything, he reacts in anger and stays that way for at least 3 –4 days.

Griff and Sundae Girl – from what I can determine, she joined the company about 3 years ago, but I can’t be sure because, until I saw them together, he never mentioned her!. We were definitely together before he met her - been together 5 yrs.

I am definitely NOT an overly jealous type. My fiance has several other female friends, I have met them socially (one was interested in him before I came along) and I have no issue with them. I had other male friends when we met but he got rid of them all, and even went to leave without me when a stranger spoke to me at a night club. I put my fiance’s insecurity before my friends and was ok with my decision because he meant the world to me and I couldn’t cope with him being angry at me and ending our relationship. I have considered reviving these friendships but don’t want to play ‘tit for tat'. It is the deceit, covering up, defensiveness and ectoplasmic anger towards me that is devastating.

Sundae Girl – re: “Could it be you have worked yourself up to fever pitch and he is hiding things from you because you now have a hair trigger as far as she is concerned?” This is what I was wondering…so can’t answer rationally.
re: “I really don't think you can tell him not to invite her to this dinner, but would you be able to swing it so that she wasn't seated close to him? I know 10 isn't a large table but surely you can sideline her to an extent?” Thanks for trying for me but history has shown that if miraculously she wasn’t seated next to him at a function (eg we got there late and had to sit down the other end), one or other of them gets up and wanders up or down, and they sit together while ‘mingling’.

Glatt - your comment particularly struck home... "He doesn't seem to care that it bothers you." and the conclusion to that.. "He doesn't respect you..."

Bluecuracao – you summed up my thoughts and fears so well, especially, "If you are the one he loves and plans on marrying, then he should be concerned about *your* happiness--...".

If 'concerned' = angry and defensive then he gets points. Generally, if he hurts my feelings and I try to gently let him know, he hits the roof, reacts with anger, I end up in tears and have to drag myself back up alone and then try to make HIM feel better!

XoxoxoBruce – “Maybe he gets pissy when you question him because it's the millionth time you've asked the same questions. Maybe he's concealing things because you get pissy over nothing of consequence. Maybe he's trying to work around your clingyness because he actually loves you. Maybe it's all in your imagination.” Yes, this is exactly what I was wondering.

Sun Sparkz – re: “but he really loved me, and it WAS only a friendship in the end and absolutely nothing more i could bet my life on it now.. but back then i was ready to walk out the door. It was more my own insecurities than anything else.” This is what I’m trying to work out in my situation and I don’t want my insecurities to mess up MY relationship. Did you get over it? Are you now happy and secure?

I guess my question has always been "Am I being paranoid". Your responses have helped me re-consider this issue and, even with just the bare bones of my story, there seems to be some consensus, unfortunately, that my gut feelings are probably correct. I very much believe in trying to be non-judgemental if a relationship ends and “Not being a good fit” will make it easier for me to accept if I decide to finally end it.

I will not take any quick action just yet. I need to absorb all this information! Now that I feel more settled about myself (from reading your replies) I feel much better supported and equipped to think straight, not have a ‘hair trigger’ and even cope with my day!

He actually shouted at me a year ago, "I'm so sick of having to look over my shoulder all the time!!!", Maybe he won’t have to do that very soon...as well as, “ everything would have been all right if I hadn’t looked at his phone”...maybe I won’t have to do that either.

Regarding the dinner, if our relationship lasts until then, (I will play the 'wait and see' game for now...typical of me), I might try and take your advice SUN SPARKZ and…

“Go to this party.. INSIST that he invite her. go to special effort that whole day to look like HOT SHIT. then go.. and show her the fuck up. YOU his hot sexy girlfriend and your the one he sleeps up to everynight and your the one he is MARRYING so that is what matters - and then befriend her. with crocodile smiles of course.”

Geez, if I could pull that one off, I’d have achieved something lol. Watch this space.

Thanks again everyone. I feel empowered and that people really care. I look forward to reading and learning from all your other postings!

Much love,
Lillypilly.

Elspode · 08-09-2006, 04:54 PM

I agree with SS...go to the affair, do a total hottie, bordering on slutty, routine and rub her face in it. Stand your ground right beside him, and give her the evil eye when she tries to move in.

You need lessons from my wife, who defends her turf like a mother lion if another woman so much as smiles at me. She knows I'm an attention slut and incapable of defending myself. Sigh.

DucksNuts · 08-09-2006, 11:57 PM

Must remember that 'spode, hey, I never realised you were in MO...I'm coming to MO in the next few months

yesman065 · 08-18-2006, 07:25 AM

Well?? whats going on? We need an update.

DanaC · 08-18-2006, 08:01 AM

Quote:

DucksNuts – she is only friendly with him, the others get ignored. If I have dared to say anything, he reacts in anger and stays that way for at least 3 –4 days.

3-4 days? that's him 'punishing' you. Getting angry when you gently suggest that you are hurt? That's a man who cannot bear being 'questioned' by his woman. Removing your male friends from the picture and threatening to leave without you when a man talks to you? That's not jealousy, that's control. This man is a control freak. He is exerting control over your life and emotional well-being. This is why he threatens to leave you when you try to exert any power in the relationship.

My advice is to end it. I would be inclined to say he is dangerous to your emotional health. Ask yourself these questions:

"How much have I altered in the last five years? How many of my own friends do I still have contact with? Is my social life dependant upon him and his friends?"

yesman065 · 09-05-2006, 01:58 PM

Just a thought long after the subject has been played out, but perhaps you should become very "friendly" with a ficticious neighbor, coworker, or whatever and see how he likes it. I hate guys like this cuz they give normal men a bad rep, but it seems like he wants to play games and if you wanna stay with him (for whatever reason) then play the game too. Personally I'd walk, but it's up to you.
By the way - did the party happen yet? What happened, how bout an update.

08-04-2006, 09:50 PM	#17
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	lillypilly--I don't think you deserve the misery he's causing you with his shady behavior. If you are the one he loves and plans on marrying, then he should be concerned about your happiness--not sneaking around with some doe-eyed co-worker. You may come off as very jealous if you insist that he not invite her to dinner (so what)--but you would also be protecting your right not to be put in an antagonizing situation. I'm sure the rest of the work team would understand only too well why she wasn't invited. If the fiance is embarrassed by it, he would only have himself to blame. If he leaves you again, tell him not to let the door hit his cheating ass. There are better men out there. Last edited by bluecuracao; 08-04-2006 at 09:53 PM.

08-04-2006, 11:21 PM	#18
MsSparkie Curious Sagittarius Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 302	You deserve better!!!! He is involved deeply but it might be platonic, but they are close. I don't know enough to say. But your feelings deserve acknowledgement and you deserve security and peace of mind. Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop and him leaving you, why not be proactive and leave him? Of course I realize you love him. It's gonna hurt like hell.... But take it as another life lesson, and there are only about 349,856 left for you to learn. So move on and see what else you can encounter in the way of adventures and challenges. Go have fun. Be treated with respect by the next guy or don't give him your heart. __________________ ~There is a forest in an acorn......

08-05-2006, 01:05 AM	#19
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Just because they act like George and Condi, doesn't mean it's more than a friendship. Maybe he gets pissy when you question him because it's the millionth time you've asked the same questions. Maybe he's concealing things because you get pissy over nothing of consequence. Maybe he's trying to work around your clingyness because he actually loves you. Maybe it's all in your imagination. But, you know what, even if all that were true.....don't marry him. You don't fit as a couple and with all this shit during the courting stage, I doubt it would work out when you got down to the routine of marriage. My point is, it really doesn't matter much who's fault it is, you don't play well together. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-05-2006, 10:00 PM	#22
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It's not a failure. Look, when you go out to buy a dress, you find one you really like then try it on but it doesn't suit you. Who's failure, yours or the dress designer's? Deciding you and Mr/Ms X, are not compatible, is NOT a failure. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-07-2006, 02:15 AM	#23
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	we dont know the full situation. I used to be in a situation LIKE this though. a girl at my fiance's work drove me INSANE with jealousy for about 5 months when he first started at his new woek. she was "training" him and also befriended him. they would do everything you descibed.. and more. but it was all in my head in the end.. and yes.. my SO used to be furious and go all red and steam out of his ears.. the works ...when i used to question him.. but thats only because i questioned him so many times. i would have a bad dream about them together and i would wake up so upset and wake him at 2am in the mornign and be crying "your fucking her arent you!", and other ridiculous insecure insults and questions. haha.. i was so insanely jealous.. and she loved every second of it. trying to make me feel like she knew him better than me. dropping little thorns here and there "oh me and deano shared a subway the other day, haha he has those thing so SPICY with all those halapenos.. oh giggle giggle i had to make him buy me a juice afterward" spew. but he really loved me, and it WAS only a friendship in the end and absolutely nothing more i could bet my life on it now.. but back then i was ready to walk out the door. It was more my own insecurities than anything else. The best thing that got me over it: spending time with her. and being with them together. Go to this party.. INSIST that he invite her. go to special effort that whole day to look like HOT SHIT. then go.. and show her the fuck up. YOU his hot sexy girlfriend and your the one he sleeps up to everynight and your the one he is MARRYING so that is what matters - and then befriend her. with crocodile smiles of course. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

08-05-2006, 04:37 AM	#20
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Yeah, he doesn't seem worth marrying as the others say. That much is evident... but it's all too easy for him to blame it all on you if you give him an ultimatum at a work related party. Not that he isn't making you feel wrong already. Break up with him over lying if you need a reason.

08-07-2006, 08:24 AM	#24
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	DON'T MARRY THIS GUY. He is absoutely not worth the emotional pain and anguish he will cause you. But do it right - say what you need to say tell him why - hes already got one foot out the door as it is and seems to be too much of a pussy to do it himself. Screw that! Send his weak, lying, cheating ass packin and show HIM up when you see him next with your new REAL man.

08-08-2006, 10:10 PM	#25
lillypilly7 Person Who Has Posted Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 2	Re: woman at work - replies to your questions (long post again!) Thank you everyone who replied! I got such a pleasant surprise today when I managed to get back here. Your replies made me feel sooo much better and your words have helped me so much. Thank you. I fell in love with my fiance almost at first sight - he treated me differently then, when I knew little about him but thought I knew him. It's so hard to take your heart back once you've given it away. Many of you had more questions and so here's a bit of an answer. Sorry it’s so long again. I promise to write briefly next time. Sorry I don't know how to insert quotes. DucksNuts – she is only friendly with him, the others get ignored. If I have dared to say anything, he reacts in anger and stays that way for at least 3 –4 days. Griff and Sundae Girl – from what I can determine, she joined the company about 3 years ago, but I can’t be sure because, until I saw them together, he never mentioned her!. We were definitely together before he met her - been together 5 yrs. I am definitely NOT an overly jealous type. My fiance has several other female friends, I have met them socially (one was interested in him before I came along) and I have no issue with them. I had other male friends when we met but he got rid of them all, and even went to leave without me when a stranger spoke to me at a night club. I put my fiance’s insecurity before my friends and was ok with my decision because he meant the world to me and I couldn’t cope with him being angry at me and ending our relationship. I have considered reviving these friendships but don’t want to play ‘tit for tat'. It is the deceit, covering up, defensiveness and ectoplasmic anger towards me that is devastating. Sundae Girl – re: “Could it be you have worked yourself up to fever pitch and he is hiding things from you because you now have a hair trigger as far as she is concerned?” This is what I was wondering…so can’t answer rationally. re: “I really don't think you can tell him not to invite her to this dinner, but would you be able to swing it so that she wasn't seated close to him? I know 10 isn't a large table but surely you can sideline her to an extent?” Thanks for trying for me but history has shown that if miraculously she wasn’t seated next to him at a function (eg we got there late and had to sit down the other end), one or other of them gets up and wanders up or down, and they sit together while ‘mingling’. Glatt - your comment particularly struck home... "He doesn't seem to care that it bothers you." and the conclusion to that.. "He doesn't respect you..." Bluecuracao – you summed up my thoughts and fears so well, especially, "If you are the one he loves and plans on marrying, then he should be concerned about your happiness--...". If 'concerned' = angry and defensive then he gets points. Generally, if he hurts my feelings and I try to gently let him know, he hits the roof, reacts with anger, I end up in tears and have to drag myself back up alone and then try to make HIM feel better! XoxoxoBruce – “Maybe he gets pissy when you question him because it's the millionth time you've asked the same questions. Maybe he's concealing things because you get pissy over nothing of consequence. Maybe he's trying to work around your clingyness because he actually loves you. Maybe it's all in your imagination.” Yes, this is exactly what I was wondering. Sun Sparkz – re: “but he really loved me, and it WAS only a friendship in the end and absolutely nothing more i could bet my life on it now.. but back then i was ready to walk out the door. It was more my own insecurities than anything else.” This is what I’m trying to work out in my situation and I don’t want my insecurities to mess up MY relationship. Did you get over it? Are you now happy and secure? I guess my question has always been "Am I being paranoid". Your responses have helped me re-consider this issue and, even with just the bare bones of my story, there seems to be some consensus, unfortunately, that my gut feelings are probably correct. I very much believe in trying to be non-judgemental if a relationship ends and “Not being a good fit” will make it easier for me to accept if I decide to finally end it. I will not take any quick action just yet. I need to absorb all this information! Now that I feel more settled about myself (from reading your replies) I feel much better supported and equipped to think straight, not have a ‘hair trigger’ and even cope with my day! He actually shouted at me a year ago, "I'm so sick of having to look over my shoulder all the time!!!", Maybe he won’t have to do that very soon...as well as, “ everything would have been all right if I hadn’t looked at his phone”...maybe I won’t have to do that either. Regarding the dinner, if our relationship lasts until then, (I will play the 'wait and see' game for now...typical of me), I might try and take your advice SUN SPARKZ and… “Go to this party.. INSIST that he invite her. go to special effort that whole day to look like HOT SHIT. then go.. and show her the fuck up. YOU his hot sexy girlfriend and your the one he sleeps up to everynight and your the one he is MARRYING so that is what matters - and then befriend her. with crocodile smiles of course.” Geez, if I could pull that one off, I’d have achieved something lol. Watch this space. Thanks again everyone. I feel empowered and that people really care. I look forward to reading and learning from all your other postings! Much love, Lillypilly.

08-09-2006, 04:54 PM	#26
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	I agree with SS...go to the affair, do a total hottie, bordering on slutty, routine and rub her face in it. Stand your ground right beside him, and give her the evil eye when she tries to move in. You need lessons from my wife, who defends her turf like a mother lion if another woman so much as smiles at me. She knows I'm an attention slut and incapable of defending myself. Sigh. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

08-09-2006, 11:57 PM	#27
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Must remember that 'spode, hey, I never realised you were in MO...I'm coming to MO in the next few months

08-18-2006, 07:25 AM	#28
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Well?? whats going on? We need an update.

09-05-2006, 01:58 PM	#30
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Just a thought long after the subject has been played out, but perhaps you should become very "friendly" with a ficticious neighbor, coworker, or whatever and see how he likes it. I hate guys like this cuz they give normal men a bad rep, but it seems like he wants to play games and if you wanna stay with him (for whatever reason) then play the game too. Personally I'd walk, but it's up to you. By the way - did the party happen yet? What happened, how bout an update.

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