Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

Virtually all the kids at my daughters school take laptops to class.

[DanaC]

Students use laptops, but I dont see many use them in lectures. Maybe in seminars.

[classicman]

I find that difference interesting.

[spudcon]

Well, this has been a humorous page.

[Pie]

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, 'You man the guns, I'll drive.'

(That better, spud?)

[xoxoxoBruce]

Heh heh heh... yes.

[spudcon]

That's better.

[spudcon]

Much better. Thank you Pie

[ZenGum]

Two birds, sitting on a perch.

One says, where did this fish come from?

[TheMercenary]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met & picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian & the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope & Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand & showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back & raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer & a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up & declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, & that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn’t continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.

“I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews & I said to him, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Moishe, “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

[TheMercenary]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: ‘I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.’

She answers, ‘ My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.’

‘Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.’

She responds, ‘Well, let’s see what we can do about that. But:
· 1, you have to be single and
· 2, you must be Catholic.’

The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and Catholic!’

‘OK’ the nun says. ‘Pull into the next alley.’

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

‘My dear child,’ said the nun, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.’

The nun says, ‘That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.

[TheMercenary]

Revenge

She spent the first day sadly packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down on the floor in the dining room by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp and caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She replaced the end caps on the curtain rods, cleaned up the kitchen, and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything,cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canister, during which they had to move out for a few days, and they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her they were selling the house but did not tell the real reasons.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Thinking his ex-wife had no idea about the smell, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork for her to sign.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…….including the curtain rods.

[Aliantha]

[Nirvana]

LMFAO!

[ZenGum]

People of the USA, be warned.

If you elect Obama, the Lord will surely destroy you, just as He destroyed Sodom, and Gomorrah, and all other places that aroused His Wrath, for the Lord hates abominations. And if you elect Barry, you will verily become an Obamanation, and surely you will be smote by His fury.