Elvis Impersonators Plot to Kill President, Sell Body Parts in my Hometown

Big Sarge · 10-14-2013, 08:53 AM

I haven't mentioned this earlier because I knew no one would believe me, but it is in GQ Magazine now. It involves the alleged plot by a family friend to kill the President and whistleblowing on body parts on the black market. You have seen a niece on here as part of the collective.

(D) The state representative is the husband of the mayor of the town I was police chief. Also, my son worked full time on his campaign when he ran for Congress. Please read the following excerpts:

Dutschke mounted a campaign for state House district sixteen, against long-term Democratic incumbent Steve Holland. By all accounts, Dutschke’s PR strategy was little more than a public display of bitter, empty vitriol—its rhetoric revolving around comparisons of Steve Holland to Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard and suggestions that the 9/11 hijackers were Holland’s friends. Why Dutschke loathed Steve Holland so hotly is not clear.

“I had never stood eyeball to eyeball or dick to dick with the man, but for some reason he just hated the hell out of me,” says Holland, a gloriously profane and paradoxically genteel man of 58. “He called me everything from gay to communist. Everything but a child of God. I mean, he had no campaign or agenda except to cut my nuts out.... But you got to get your ass up early and go to bed late to beat my ass. I’ve held this seat for thirty years. I can absolutely make love to a bull moose on the steps of the Lee County courthouse and garner more than 5 percent of the vote.”

And in a show of true hospitality and professional transparency, Rep. Holland invited me down to the funeral home one morning in early summer to help him put a nightgown on a corpse.
Holland Funeral Directors stands due west of downtown Tupelo in a metal building that formerly contained “the largest nightclub and beer joint in the state of Mississippi.” In 2006, Holland bought it, “put brick on the front, hung some shit [ornamental pediments and moldings] on it, and now I’m doing 300 funerals a year.”
Holland has been in the mortuary business for four decades. Due to a lately discovered allergy to formaldehyde that nearly took his life, he no longer embalms bodies unless he’s in a “hazmat suit.” His hairdressing talents he considers to be inadequate, so this morning we loiter in the coffin showroom while the coiffeurist treats the deceased to her final styling.
The caskets are as opulent and beautiful as a fleet of limousines. The top-tier models sell for upwards of $5,000, but Holland begins his sales pitch to prospective clients with a humble gray container in a far corner of the room. “I bring ’em to this little $995 jobbie right here. I say, ‘Okay, this will get you from point A to point B. Now, water and worms will get in there, and if you read the Scripture it says “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,” and that’s what this is really all about. What you are buying is $995 worth of dignity to keep me from tying a rope to your heels and pulling you into the hole, which would accomplish the same thing.’ Then they’ll come buy this shit over here.” Holland indicates a box that retails for $3,495. “And ka-ching-ka-ching-ka-ching. Forty years I been doing this. It’s fucked! I mean, the [funeral] services are incredible. I love the services, but all this merchandising-pagan-ass-crazy-certified-lunatic-damn bullshit—it’s so fucked. God bless America!”

http://www.gq.com/news-politics/news...#ixzz2hhdCCg4F

footfootfoot · 10-14-2013, 09:33 AM

The truth is stranger than friction...

Big Sarge · 10-14-2013, 09:38 AM

I've hinted a lot on here about Boss Hogg politics, but everyone thought I was joking

Big Sarge · 10-14-2013, 02:44 PM

The full article in the link to GQ has all the details on the Ricin that was sent to President Obama and Senator Wicker. It also explains the Elvis impersonations and the conspiracy theory of black market body parts

Gravdigr · 10-14-2013, 05:37 PM

That was an unexpectedly outstanding read.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-16-2013, 01:08 PM

So you thought "Deliverance" and "Oh Brother Where Art Thou", were just Hollywood stories.
They vote.
They procreate.
They stalk the Earth.

Big Sarge · 10-16-2013, 04:15 PM

Y'all thought I was just kidding about the old sewage lagoon, too. Things are different down here

tw · 10-16-2013, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Sarge

Y'all thought I was just kidding about the old sewage lagoon, too. Things are different down here

Venice on the Mississippi (where canals are also the sanitary sewers)?

10-14-2013, 08:53 AM	#1
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	Elvis Impersonators Plot to Kill President, Sell Body Parts in my Hometown I haven't mentioned this earlier because I knew no one would believe me, but it is in GQ Magazine now. It involves the alleged plot by a family friend to kill the President and whistleblowing on body parts on the black market. You have seen a niece on here as part of the collective. (D) The state representative is the husband of the mayor of the town I was police chief. Also, my son worked full time on his campaign when he ran for Congress. Please read the following excerpts: Dutschke mounted a campaign for state House district sixteen, against long-term Democratic incumbent Steve Holland. By all accounts, Dutschke’s PR strategy was little more than a public display of bitter, empty vitriol—its rhetoric revolving around comparisons of Steve Holland to Boss Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard and suggestions that the 9/11 hijackers were Holland’s friends. Why Dutschke loathed Steve Holland so hotly is not clear. “I had never stood eyeball to eyeball or dick to dick with the man, but for some reason he just hated the hell out of me,” says Holland, a gloriously profane and paradoxically genteel man of 58. “He called me everything from gay to communist. Everything but a child of God. I mean, he had no campaign or agenda except to cut my nuts out.... But you got to get your ass up early and go to bed late to beat my ass. I’ve held this seat for thirty years. I can absolutely make love to a bull moose on the steps of the Lee County courthouse and garner more than 5 percent of the vote.” And in a show of true hospitality and professional transparency, Rep. Holland invited me down to the funeral home one morning in early summer to help him put a nightgown on a corpse. Holland Funeral Directors stands due west of downtown Tupelo in a metal building that formerly contained “the largest nightclub and beer joint in the state of Mississippi.” In 2006, Holland bought it, “put brick on the front, hung some shit [ornamental pediments and moldings] on it, and now I’m doing 300 funerals a year.” Holland has been in the mortuary business for four decades. Due to a lately discovered allergy to formaldehyde that nearly took his life, he no longer embalms bodies unless he’s in a “hazmat suit.” His hairdressing talents he considers to be inadequate, so this morning we loiter in the coffin showroom while the coiffeurist treats the deceased to her final styling. The caskets are as opulent and beautiful as a fleet of limousines. The top-tier models sell for upwards of $5,000, but Holland begins his sales pitch to prospective clients with a humble gray container in a far corner of the room. “I bring ’em to this little $995 jobbie right here. I say, ‘Okay, this will get you from point A to point B. Now, water and worms will get in there, and if you read the Scripture it says “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,” and that’s what this is really all about. What you are buying is $995 worth of dignity to keep me from tying a rope to your heels and pulling you into the hole, which would accomplish the same thing.’ Then they’ll come buy this shit over here.” Holland indicates a box that retails for $3,495. “And ka-ching-ka-ching-ka-ching. Forty years I been doing this. It’s fucked! I mean, the [funeral] services are incredible. I love the services, but all this merchandising-pagan-ass-crazy-certified-lunatic-damn bullshit—it’s so fucked. God bless America!” http://www.gq.com/news-politics/news...#ixzz2hhdCCg4F __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

10-14-2013, 09:33 AM	#2
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	The truth is stranger than friction... __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

10-14-2013, 09:38 AM	#3
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	I've hinted a lot on here about Boss Hogg politics, but everyone thought I was joking __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

10-14-2013, 02:44 PM	#4
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	The full article in the link to GQ has all the details on the Ricin that was sent to President Obama and Senator Wicker. It also explains the Elvis impersonations and the conspiracy theory of black market body parts __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

10-14-2013, 05:37 PM	#5
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	That was an unexpectedly outstanding read. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-16-2013, 01:08 PM	#6
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	So you thought "Deliverance" and "Oh Brother Where Art Thou", were just Hollywood stories. They vote. They procreate. They stalk the Earth. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-16-2013, 04:15 PM	#7
Big Sarge Werepandas - lurking in your shadows Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: In the Deep South Posts: 3,408	Y'all thought I was just kidding about the old sewage lagoon, too. Things are different down here __________________ Give a man a match, & he'll be warm for 20 seconds. But toss that man a white phosphorus grenade and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)