Poems

orthodoc · 03-19-2014, 09:52 PM

I hate to start a new thread with every poem. Some of them are worthwhile; others are dross. Maybe this can be a general thread for poems, good and/or not so good? This one rants about my frustrations with and love for my father. I idolized him throughout childhood, but of course no one can live up to that and neither did he. He was infinitely preferable to my savagely abusive mother, but that was a low bar.

Nevertheless, he came to my horse shows and cheered me on, standing in the rain.

Later, he bailed on a marriage that was abusive to him, but took up with a woman who could have been a clone of the one he ran from. She always hated us, his children.

I always/still have wanted to have a parent to love.

eta: I'm sorry; this is me trying to deal with old wounds. Probably not applicable to many. But if any others want to post real poems, I'd love to read them.

Only a Boy

Could possibly have
Met your expectations

Only a boy
Could have walked with you
Talked with you
Been your incarnation

Only a boy
Would have satisfied you
Carried on the name
Wouldn’t bear the blame

Of your failure
To do right by
Those who really bore your name

Only a boy
Could have loved you
Without restraint

Only a boy
Would have done as I did
Traitor yet become a saint

Only in your eyes
Yet you never did protect me
Let me feel the subtle taint

Of having loved you
But your love was for another
I was easy to disdain

I was your boy
Always tried to love you
Tried to earn your regard
Not to mention your love

But that was not forthcoming

All men are assholes
Said a wise man I met later

Too late for my salvation

In my childhood
I played with dolls
I gave them names
Frankline, Josephine …
They were boys, as was I
Only wanted to admire you
Wanted to inspire you
Wanted your love

But that was reserved
For the boy you always wanted
The boy you adopted
Then rejected
When he wasn’t good enough

Why did I always
Try to, want to, need to be
Your boy
The boy
Who’d meet your expectations

Only a boy
Could meet your expectations

DanaC · 03-20-2014, 09:41 AM

Oh, hell Ortho, that's brilliant.

lumberjim · 03-20-2014, 09:54 AM

sometimes I wonder how I'm damaging my kids.
I came from a divorced family, saw dad every other weekend. I don't really feel any angst about it. I don't feel disappointed or resentful. I don't idolize Dad, but I do respect him. Mom did a very good job considering her challenges, and I appreciate her.
but sometimes, when I read something like this, I wonder. What will Ripley think of me in 20 years? will she blame one or the other of us for breaking up? will she give it any thought at all? and Spencer... I don't really think he's going to have any issues, but then maybe he does, and just won't share them.

I tell them I love them all the time. I am pretty sure they believe me. what else can you really do?

Why was your Father's love not enough, ortho? Because you think he'd rather have had a boy? I have both, and there are aspects of each I prefer.

glatt · 03-20-2014, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I have both, and there are aspects of each I prefer.

I'd agree with this, but I worry that my daughter will feel like I've shortchanged her by spending more time with my son. Because I do. My daughter and I have a hard time finding things in common, and she prefers to spend her free time in her room with the door closed. My son prefers to spend his free time being active and engaging.

The good thing is that eating dinner together is a priority, so we have conversations at meals. But that's about it.

DanaC · 03-20-2014, 10:37 AM

Is that a general personality thing, or is it to do with age?

glatt · 03-20-2014, 10:44 AM

both.

She's at the surly teenager age. (Not really surly, but you know...) But she's also always loved to read instead of interact with someone.

xoxoxoBruce · 03-20-2014, 03:31 PM

Maybe she feels safe and secure in her position in the family so she doesn't feel she needs to compete with her brother for your attention.

Or... she's paying her brother to keep you busy so she can do what she wants without all that icky family stuff.

Or... she has a wardrobe in her room connected to Narnia.

I'd guess as long as you make yourself available when/if she decides she needs it, you should be cool.

orthodoc · 03-21-2014, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I tell them I love them all the time. I am pretty sure they believe me. what else can you really do?

Why was your Father's love not enough, ortho? Because you think he'd rather have had a boy? I have both, and there are aspects of each I prefer.

If you tell your kids you love them, that's huge. My parents talked a lot about all the conditions under which they would disown us but never explicitly said they loved us. Now they do, but the message was very different early on. My mother just says whatever she thinks will get her what she wants. If she feels secure, she becomes abusive; if she wants something from us, she loves us.

It was no secret in our family that my father wanted a son 'to carry on the family name'. It bothers him to this day (at 80) that there's no one to 'carry on the line'. He had 3 daughters and then he and my mother adopted a boy. They were upfront about the fact that our new little brother was to be the proud carrier of our surname, and teased my older sister that 'the crown prince outranks the crown princess'.

Yes, that is f**ked up.

orthodoc · 03-26-2014, 12:45 AM

More dross ...

Superhero

Please
Let me go to sleep tonight

I am happy
At peace tonight

Let me sleep
At last tonight
Experience release
Before tomorrow’s fight
Let me wake and do the least

And most
That I must;
I swear I’ll keep

My promises

I am happy tonight
At peace tonight

I lie to myself
But I still do what’s right
I am the superhero
Except at night

Let me go to sleep ...

orthodoc · 03-26-2014, 02:21 AM

i hate to post two drafts in one night. Still, this one came to mind as I thought about my training and the painful situations, the people I met, the frustration I felt as lives slipped away while I held hands with the dying and my staffmen played squash. And the crazy schedules, where staying up for 72 or more hours was the norm, and we all pretended we were bipolar (in terms of ability to go without sleep for days). And the inevitable burnout. Also my friend Arthur, who actually was bipolar and who didn't survive the crucible.

A Little Bipolar
for Arthur, with love and regret

A little bit
A little tad

Bipolar
It’s the fad

I am immense
I am intense
I am the sun

I live all day all night
Make my own daylight
Yet still I fight
I’m my own sun

I write the best
I’ve ever done
When I’m half-drunk
Not nearly done
I just release
All that turns to stone
And move on

I blaze all night
The shadows fade
I greet first light and pray
no answer comes

I am intense
I am the sun
I have done all of this
So many years

Worked the halls
Of The Best Damned Hospital in the Land
Stayed the weekend
With the Baba, Yaya, Oma, and
Listened to her whisper
Her fear, her pain
Held her hand as she died
While the boss played squash
Again

Worked the halls
Strode the halls
Denizen of the wards
Victim of the wards

Took on the man
Despised bereft
Broken jaw
No academic puzzle
Just an addict, just a thief
Knew what he needed; no, implied
Grabbed my arm would not let go
I know we all need
Need to get through the night

Fell asleep on the retractor
It happens to the best of us
Stabbed by the Ob/Gyn
Along with his victim
Happens to the rest of us

We do what we must
Leave the rest
If we’re lucky
Don’t distress
Don’t leave too soon
Arthur you are missed
You were the best of us
You left too soon

Later no more sleep
No more luck
Stayed up with a better crew
Still came unstuck

The first thing that
A principle does
Is kill someone
A wise man said
Don’t test that one
It’s true
The innocent are dead

And so we limp
Into the dark
We dread the call
we have no more
to give to those who need
our blood, our life, our seed

We cringe as we
Encounter those
We’ve bled and sewn
We cannot fill
The vast abyss
Of need and pain

We limp away
Into the dark
And seek oblivion
But still
The perverse spark
Refuses any place of respite

Yet

A little bit
A little tad
Bipolar it’s the fad

If not that, then what?
Just mad
We retreat into the shade
Hide from the sun
Afraid to speak to anyone

I was immense
I was intense
I was the sun

I could protect
I could defeat
Anyone

DanaC · 03-26-2014, 05:38 AM

Oh I love both of those. That last one especially.

Damn, but you are a talented poet, Ortho.

orthodoc · 03-30-2014, 08:37 PM

Just saw this. Thanks, Dana. I'd been listening to Leonard Cohen and the first one, Superhero, got its rhythm from Cohen. The last one is the first time I've written anything about/for Arthur. The experiences were mine, but the environment was what each of us had to cope with. Arthur was such a good man ... Toronto was the worst possible place for him. It'll take more time and effort to do him justice. I wish we could have learned what we needed without the toxic and traumatic culture of 1980s medicine at The Best Damned Hospital in the Land.

BardoXV · 04-18-2014, 09:54 PM

Parents - "I Love You",
But they don't',
Life/Family - sucks.

BardoXV · 04-18-2014, 09:57 PM

No better feeling,
Than a child in your arms,
Asleep.

xoxoxoBruce · 04-24-2014, 12:46 PM

.

03-19-2014, 09:52 PM	#1
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Poems I hate to start a new thread with every poem. Some of them are worthwhile; others are dross. Maybe this can be a general thread for poems, good and/or not so good? This one rants about my frustrations with and love for my father. I idolized him throughout childhood, but of course no one can live up to that and neither did he. He was infinitely preferable to my savagely abusive mother, but that was a low bar. Nevertheless, he came to my horse shows and cheered me on, standing in the rain. Later, he bailed on a marriage that was abusive to him, but took up with a woman who could have been a clone of the one he ran from. She always hated us, his children. I always/still have wanted to have a parent to love. eta: I'm sorry; this is me trying to deal with old wounds. Probably not applicable to many. But if any others want to post real poems, I'd love to read them. Only a Boy Could possibly have Met your expectations Only a boy Could have walked with you Talked with you Been your incarnation Only a boy Would have satisfied you Carried on the name Wouldn’t bear the blame Of your failure To do right by Those who really bore your name Only a boy Could have loved you Without restraint Only a boy Would have done as I did Traitor yet become a saint Only in your eyes Yet you never did protect me Let me feel the subtle taint Of having loved you But your love was for another I was easy to disdain I was your boy Always tried to love you Tried to earn your regard Not to mention your love But that was not forthcoming All men are assholes Said a wise man I met later Too late for my salvation In my childhood I played with dolls I gave them names Frankline, Josephine … They were boys, as was I Only wanted to admire you Wanted to inspire you Wanted your love But that was reserved For the boy you always wanted The boy you adopted Then rejected When he wasn’t good enough Why did I always Try to, want to, need to be Your boy The boy Who’d meet your expectations Only a boy Could meet your expectations __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi Last edited by orthodoc; 03-19-2014 at 10:21 PM.

03-20-2014, 09:54 AM	#3
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	sometimes I wonder how I'm damaging my kids. I came from a divorced family, saw dad every other weekend. I don't really feel any angst about it. I don't feel disappointed or resentful. I don't idolize Dad, but I do respect him. Mom did a very good job considering her challenges, and I appreciate her. but sometimes, when I read something like this, I wonder. What will Ripley think of me in 20 years? will she blame one or the other of us for breaking up? will she give it any thought at all? and Spencer... I don't really think he's going to have any issues, but then maybe he does, and just won't share them. I tell them I love them all the time. I am pretty sure they believe me. what else can you really do? Why was your Father's love not enough, ortho? Because you think he'd rather have had a boy? I have both, and there are aspects of each I prefer. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-20-2014, 03:31 PM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Maybe she feels safe and secure in her position in the family so she doesn't feel she needs to compete with her brother for your attention. Or... she's paying her brother to keep you busy so she can do what she wants without all that icky family stuff. Or... she has a wardrobe in her room connected to Narnia. I'd guess as long as you make yourself available when/if she decides she needs it, you should be cool. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-26-2014, 12:45 AM	#9
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	More dross ... Superhero Please Let me go to sleep tonight I am happy At peace tonight Let me sleep At last tonight Experience release Before tomorrow’s fight Let me wake and do the least And most That I must; I swear I’ll keep My promises I am happy tonight At peace tonight I lie to myself But I still do what’s right I am the superhero Except at night Let me go to sleep ... __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi Last edited by orthodoc; 03-26-2014 at 01:00 AM.

03-26-2014, 02:21 AM	#10
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	i hate to post two drafts in one night. Still, this one came to mind as I thought about my training and the painful situations, the people I met, the frustration I felt as lives slipped away while I held hands with the dying and my staffmen played squash. And the crazy schedules, where staying up for 72 or more hours was the norm, and we all pretended we were bipolar (in terms of ability to go without sleep for days). And the inevitable burnout. Also my friend Arthur, who actually was bipolar and who didn't survive the crucible. A Little Bipolar for Arthur, with love and regret A little bit A little tad Bipolar It’s the fad I am immense I am intense I am the sun I live all day all night Make my own daylight Yet still I fight I’m my own sun I write the best I’ve ever done When I’m half-drunk Not nearly done I just release All that turns to stone And move on I blaze all night The shadows fade I greet first light and pray no answer comes I am intense I am the sun I have done all of this So many years Worked the halls Of The Best Damned Hospital in the Land Stayed the weekend With the Baba, Yaya, Oma, and Listened to her whisper Her fear, her pain Held her hand as she died While the boss played squash Again Worked the halls Strode the halls Denizen of the wards Victim of the wards Took on the man Despised bereft Broken jaw No academic puzzle Just an addict, just a thief Knew what he needed; no, implied Grabbed my arm would not let go I know we all need Need to get through the night Fell asleep on the retractor It happens to the best of us Stabbed by the Ob/Gyn Along with his victim Happens to the rest of us We do what we must Leave the rest If we’re lucky Don’t distress Don’t leave too soon Arthur you are missed You were the best of us You left too soon Later no more sleep No more luck Stayed up with a better crew Still came unstuck The first thing that A principle does Is kill someone A wise man said Don’t test that one It’s true The innocent are dead And so we limp Into the dark We dread the call we have no more to give to those who need our blood, our life, our seed We cringe as we Encounter those We’ve bled and sewn We cannot fill The vast abyss Of need and pain We limp away Into the dark And seek oblivion But still The perverse spark Refuses any place of respite Yet A little bit A little tad Bipolar it’s the fad If not that, then what? Just mad We retreat into the shade Hide from the sun Afraid to speak to anyone I was immense I was intense I was the sun I could protect I could defeat Anyone __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

03-20-2014, 10:44 AM	#6
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	both. She's at the surly teenager age. (Not really surly, but you know...) But she's also always loved to read instead of interact with someone.

03-30-2014, 08:37 PM	#12
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Just saw this. Thanks, Dana. I'd been listening to Leonard Cohen and the first one, Superhero, got its rhythm from Cohen. The last one is the first time I've written anything about/for Arthur. The experiences were mine, but the environment was what each of us had to cope with. Arthur was such a good man ... Toronto was the worst possible place for him. It'll take more time and effort to do him justice. I wish we could have learned what we needed without the toxic and traumatic culture of 1980s medicine at The Best Damned Hospital in the Land. __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

04-18-2014, 09:54 PM	#13
BardoXV B.O.F. Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: Pa. Posts: 79	Parents - "I Love You", But they don't', Life/Family - sucks.

04-18-2014, 09:57 PM	#14
BardoXV B.O.F. Join Date: Apr 2014 Location: Pa. Posts: 79	No better feeling, Than a child in your arms, Asleep.

04-24-2014, 12:46 PM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	. Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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