Humor...I Need Humor...

[Kagen4o4]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Sure, but it won't fit in this margin.

a fellow mathematician??

[Happy Monkey]

Well, a CS major/math minor. But Fermat was in the news a few years ago, when someone came up with a proof that was considerably larger than a margin.

[Clodfobble]

I was a pansy liberal arts major, and even we learned about Fermat's famous margin comment...

Hell, Kagen, if you're impressed by that--I can also pronounce Euler correctly.

[Kagen4o4]

im still impressed by that too.

[Cyclefrance]

Did you hear about the mathematician who solved the problem of constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil

[wolf]

You're the reason they've banned guns in England, aren't you?

[thrillhouse]

[Spexxvet]

At the Olympics, the US wrestler was about to start his match with the defending world champion, a Russian wrestler renown for his "pretzel hold". The American coach told his wrestler " Don't let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has been able to get out of it, and everyone he's gotten in the pretzel hold has been pinned."

In the middle of the second period, the Russian got the American in the pretzel hold. The American coach couldn't bear to watch. He went to the locker room to wait for his wrestler. Soon, to his surprise, he heard the Star Spangled Banner being played. He ran to the podium and saw his wrestler receive the gold medal. When he came down off the podium, the coach asked what happened.

"well, he got me in the pretzel hold", the wrestler answered, " and I was trying to stay off my back, when I saw a pair of testicals hanging down, right in front of my face."
"What did you do?" asked the coach.
"I did the only thing I could - I bit them. You wouldn't believe the rush of energy you get when you bite your own balls!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by marichiko)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.
His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Urbane Guerilla)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(marichiko)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
"Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Urbane Guerilla)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(marichiko)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Urbane Guerilla)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(marichiko)
Asshole.

(Urbane Guerilla)
Bitch

(marichiko)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Urbane Guerilla)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.

[Kagen4o4]

OMG that was the best thing i've ever read! it works perfectly. im so glad i actually read that instead of skipping because it was long.

BRILLIANT!!

[Lucy]

I'm digging that.

[dar512]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate "

[Elspode]

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light
bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret
stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a
step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had
a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Spexxvet]

then It's just a little too true

[Happy Monkey]

I think you may need more. That bulb never actually got changed.