gains of giving up - Page 2

Aliantha · 02-09-2012, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by traceur

the relationship did help me with that - if i got her i could get nearly anyone.

the problem is wanting anyone, and right now all i want is her. there's nothing i wouldn't give or endure for the 3 of us to be a family again.

You do know that what you're going through is just another part of the 'getting over someone' phase right? Most of us go through this after a period of time when we break up with someone.

I consider it to be similar to giving birth to be honest. You forget the real pain and only remember the good bits, even those associated with the event.

The difference between breaking up with someone and giving birth is that the other person isn't necessarily going to give you unconditional love for the rest of your life in return for the pain you've gone through.

ZenGum · 02-09-2012, 07:29 PM

Quote:

edit: i should add that i am not trying to argue as much as understand, since any reason to think she is not the one for me would be freaking awesome in helping me give up on her.

Here's my cynical comment, take or leave as you wish.

You hope to understand women, grasshopper. Very well, I shall explain, but first, I want you to take this bowl of jelly and nail it to the ceiling. Once you have done that, you are ready to understand women.

All women are (from a male point of view) a little bit crazy. This one in particular seems to be a lot crazy. You can't understand crazy, it will never make sense.

Invent a story for yourself that fills YOUR psychological needs and is close enough to reality to be plausible. Then get on with life. My guess is that this is what she has been doing all along and is doing right now, but without admitting it to herself. This is what a LOT of people do.

limey · 02-10-2012, 04:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by traceur

there is a lot i could have done differently ...

No, I don't think so. You did the best you could with the knowledge and circumstances you had at the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by traceur

... out of all the crap, there was one positive thought in my head on the flight back home, a sigh, a big boulder falling from my shoulders letting in air to areas that haven't breathed in a long time, "she's not here to judge me anymore" - to constantly test & reevaluate me".

and there was no solution, nothing i could have done to make that stop, because in a world where everything's a symbol, there is no sense of proportions - the biggest gesture is no more meaningful then the smallest, every bottle of soda bought, everything i've ever done for myself, no matter how small compared to what i do for them, was still failing a test of how much i am willing to sacrifice for her and my stepson. there would never be something so meaningful i could do to put all the others to rest, there would never be a test i can finally pass so that there would be no more tests.
....

This sounds like living hell. A good relationship is based on shared goals, mutual respect and clear communication. Where's the partnership in being constantly tested and re-evaluated? Sounds to me like you're well out of it.

DanaC · 02-10-2012, 05:00 AM

Better to be single than under constant negative scrutiny.

classicman · 02-10-2012, 09:13 AM

^^^WSS^^^
I did that for 17 years - no thanks.

Undertoad · 02-10-2012, 09:40 AM

It's different for everybody, but... again I say, bullet dodged. After two years of that kind of living up to expectations, you wound up doing battle. Imagine it after 15 years. (that was my sentence)

It doesn't make you a better person after 15 years. It tears you down. It leaves you damaged and incomplete.

Now your brain is remembering the good parts and forgetting the bad parts, as our brains do.

I don't know you all that much, but I imagine you put women on a pedestal, and you wound up with a woman who demanded to be looked up to. Better to start on even ground, and have a pedestal available, so both of you can occasionally stand on it.

Can you imagine a partner who cherishes you? The way this one didn't? It's the greatest feeling in the world. Here's the good news. You are a good and decent person, you are desirable, and there will be women out there who will treat you better than she did and it will be awesome.

Good times start soon!

classicman · 02-10-2012, 09:49 AM

UT - get outta my head. The life parallels are scaring me.

Clodfobble · 02-10-2012, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by traceur

i should add that i am not trying to argue as much as understand, since any reason to think she is not the one for me would be freaking awesome in helping me give up on her.

Try this exercise: imagine who you were 5 years ago. Really remember it. So much younger, such different goals in life, so much less experience, so much more immature, right?

Now understand, really believe, that in another 5 years, you will feel exactly the same way about who you are right now. It will take time to get past this unpleasant chapter in your life, no doubt, but a shorter time than you think. When you are 32, you will look back at who you are today and laugh, with just a hint of embarrassment. You cannot possibly imagine what life has in store for you in the future, just as the 22-year-old-you could never have predicted where you are today.

DanaC · 02-10-2012, 11:35 AM

Wise words Ms Fobble of Clod

Undertoad · 02-10-2012, 11:36 AM

From The 40-year-old Virgin: you're putting the pussy on a pedestal! (about halfway in)

Griff · 02-11-2012, 11:19 AM

This thread should be flagged for important insights that can save a lot of pain. Well done dwellars. Good luck traceur, you clearly have the capacity for a good relationship with an undamaged woman.

classicman · 02-11-2012, 11:40 AM

.

classicman · 02-12-2012, 01:04 PM

Although your life right now may not be the type of life you see and dream for yourself,
it is the only one you have at the present time.
You need to start appreciating and enjoying it while you work on improving it.

it · 02-27-2012, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Griff

This thread should be flagged for important insights that can save a lot of pain. Well done dwellars. Good luck traceur, you clearly have the capacity for a good relationship with an undamaged woman.

honestly i think we where happy when there weren't a lot of problems surfacing up, in our honeymoon phase that lasted 18 months or so, and that's the "her" that i miss...

i mean... ok, this:

you see that smile? that's the smile right there! that's the her that i miss so much...

but when problems came up... we didn't really have the proper dynamics to deal with them, and at some point we tried so hard that dealing with them became our entire dynamic.

and i can't pull it off, i can't deal with someone where everything she does was because i drove her to it but with anything i did the circumstances and context doesn't matter. maybe one day my shoulders will be big enough to carry that load, maybe one day she'll mature and i won't have too, or we'll meet somewhere in the middle... but i am not there yet.

i miss the kid like hell though.

it · 08-13-2013, 05:20 PM

...the is so funny in retrospect...

why didn't anyone tell me the world is filled with wonderful non-narcissistic women? or was i not listening?

02-10-2012, 09:13 AM	#20
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	^^^WSS^^^ I did that for 17 years - no thanks. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-10-2012, 09:49 AM	#22
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	UT - get outta my head. The life parallels are scaring me. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-11-2012, 11:19 AM	#26
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	This thread should be flagged for important insights that can save a lot of pain. Well done dwellars. Good luck traceur, you clearly have the capacity for a good relationship with an undamaged woman. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

02-11-2012, 11:40 AM	#27
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	. Attached Images __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-12-2012, 01:04 PM	#28
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Although your life right now may not be the type of life you see and dream for yourself, it is the only one you have at the present time. You need to start appreciating and enjoying it while you work on improving it. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

02-10-2012, 09:40 AM	#21
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	It's different for everybody, but... again I say, bullet dodged. After two years of that kind of living up to expectations, you wound up doing battle. Imagine it after 15 years. (that was my sentence) It doesn't make you a better person after 15 years. It tears you down. It leaves you damaged and incomplete. Now your brain is remembering the good parts and forgetting the bad parts, as our brains do. I don't know you all that much, but I imagine you put women on a pedestal, and you wound up with a woman who demanded to be looked up to. Better to start on even ground, and have a pedestal available, so both of you can occasionally stand on it. Can you imagine a partner who cherishes you? The way this one didn't? It's the greatest feeling in the world. Here's the good news. You are a good and decent person, you are desirable, and there will be women out there who will treat you better than she did and it will be awesome. Good times start soon!

02-10-2012, 11:36 AM	#25
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	From The 40-year-old Virgin: you're putting the pussy on a pedestal! (about halfway in)

08-13-2013, 05:20 PM	#30
it Banned Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 772	...the is so funny in retrospect... why didn't anyone tell me the world is filled with wonderful non-narcissistic women? or was i not listening?

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