Liver and Cherry

[Sundae]

Okay, so a bit of catch up on some of the weirdness.
I had The Worst Detox I've ever had when I went into St James's in December. St Anne's staff and denizens told me that every lapse/ relapse gets worse, and therefore so does every detox, but this was a jump of warp speed standards.

The hallucinations were a bitch.
I didn't get insects, I got fur throws, feathers, glitter, sparkle and silver paint.
No, I'm not being facetious, that really was my experience. It did get weary after a while, when you can't actually open either of your eyes, have significant sight loss, no glasses and are trying to spit toothpaste into the sink, it's tiring to see it coated in silver paint and not be able to work out whether you have left it clean for the next person.

There were pools of blood on the floor and tendrils coming down from the ceiling, but in general it was soft furnishings.

But one of the weirdest parts was the day I spent believing I was in an observation unit. I thought I'd been taken onto another ward, awaiting an appointment. I figured out that we were being kept waiting so they could observe us, and that the person in the bed opposite was a member of staff. I waited and waited, at one point forgetting I was in Leeds, thinking I was back in Cambridge waiting for my liver biopsy. Anyway, it got to the point where I'd been patient (!) enough, thank you. No one seemed to have been called in for ages and I was going to miss tea on the Ward if I wasn't seen soon. So for the only time I was in hospital I rang the call button. It was 16.45 and tea is served at 17.00.

I asked the nurse who came whether I was going to be fed in the waiting area, or if they would be holding my tea on the ward for me, because I'd been waiting all day.
No, she said, I was ON the ward. I'd had my tea. It was the middle of the night, did I need anything?

Even now I don't know if I'd been asleep and dreaming, or genuinely lying there deluded and waiting. I hope it was the former. But I doubt I'll ever forget the sense of the whole world I was living in slowly reforming into a different picture.

Another was the night my landlord came onto the ward to take me back to the flat and clean it up. He came with two bailiffs at about 02.00. They were there to serve me papers, he was there for revenge. The nurses were very calm about it and refused to let him question me as I was under sedation. The bailiffs said that at the very least I had to accompany them back to the flat, but the nurses called in extra support staff to make sure I wasn't taken off the ward.

That was the night of the screaming nightmare. Even when there are big burly men just out of sight with a wheelchair ready to take you away, you still can't help drifting off sometimes. I did, and woke up the ward. It will sound silly, but what set off the screaming (and it is almost unknown for me to scream - usually I am unable to manage in dreams and just make noises) was when I realised my landlord was wearing my hat, and pulled it down over his face.

As I was shaken awake by one of the staff I heard the other one say, "She must have heard, she must have known he was here." So although I knew the dream was a dream, I also knew that the bailiff visit was real. Funny no-one ever referred to it...

I also had a visit from a squaddie collecting for The Dog's Trust.
He sat on the end of my bed for ages, waiting to talk to me.
I had to pretend to be asleep, as I knew he wanted money - which I didn't have, and for dogs - when I'd just lost my precious cat - and he'd had colleagues die and suffer because the charity couldn't afford sniffer dogs in Afghanistan.
I lay rigid for so long in the end my calf muscles cramped up.
Luckily a staff member stopped by and I signalled to her minutely that I was being bothered. But it turned out he'd gone after all. Then she disappeared and I wasn't sure she'd been there at all.

I've always been so scared of going mad.
How did I ever get so bad I couldn't even recognise myself?

[Aliantha]

Not sure what to say about all that except it was a good thing you were in hospital for it. X

[glatt]

Sounds like a really bad dream. All scary and jumping around, and not making much sense.

At least you're "with it" enough now to share it. Thanks for letting us know what's going on.

[Clodfobble]

The staff sound like they are taking good care of you, and not judging. So don't judge yourself. It's getting better, and will continue to get better, little step by little step.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Stop worrying about going mad, you are and always have been, just like the rest of us. Anyone who thinks they aren't mad as a hatter, is crazy.
So no need to worry about that, just cooperate with the staff and they'll do their best keep out of harms way.

[Sundae]

No, the above refers to my hospital detox, not the mental health unit where I am now.
I'm being made to go home tomorrow night (Friday) after a day in a daycare centre. I found this out today . I have no money, no food in the flat, no idea if my electricity is still on and have not been back to clean it since I left for my suicide attempt.

But they can't discharge me before I've had overnight and I was given my discharge date of Sunday in a meeting I hadn't even been expecting.

Just have to do my best to get through it. I have no choice.
I was basically told any offers to put me in touch with various agencies were conditional on my leaving on Sunday. And I wouldn't have a room here any more anyway.

This isn't tough love btw.
This is poor management of time and resources which have led to everything happening at the last second leaving me uninformed and unprepared.

[BigV]

*speechless*

[Griff]

whs

[Sundae]

In the words of the immortal Papa Lazarou, "It's just a saga now."
I came to the day hospital yesterday, understanding that I'd be forced "home" (the flat) that night. I'd told anyone at Becklin who stood still for long enough about my problems with returning there completely unprepared, both practical and emotional, but no-one was interested.

When I got here (they call it Hawthorn, although it seems known by at least three different names outside) they listened. They called Becklin and refused to release me back to the flat overnight given the expected snow and cold weather and my precarious situation.

So back to Becklin, where I washed and dried everything possible and ate a big meal. and had a hot bath. I even had toast for breakfast - two slices WITH jam!
Then I expected to come back here today after discharge. I was up early to pack - the concession of me being accepted back last night was apparently that I was discharged today (Saturday) not Sunday.

However this morning I was stopped in the corridor on my way to the bathroom by a staff member who said that things had changed again, Hawthorn were being difficult (ie taking my needs into consideration) and I may be returning to Becklin for another night rather than being immediately discharged. So I wasn't to pack and take everything with me.

And then before I left there, it was suggested I may be discharged on return from Hawthorn tonight after all.

So here I am, on the computer, watching the snow fall, waiting to hear what is going to happen to me.
I have far more faith in this place than I do in anyone back there, but if I leave here in the dark and then Becklin try to discharge me I will kick and scream for another night in that bed.

It's just ridiculous. All I want is to go back to the flat in daylight, put the storage heaters on, reassure myself the electricity is switched on. I would rather they packed my room for me and sent it home, than pay for me to go back there and do it myself, not because it's a chore, but because it's a ridiculously circuitous route which will involve long waits on my part for very little reason.

Anyway, the plan when it happens is for me to come here daily for a while, never ever go back to the Becklin Centre ever again, and slowly work on making my flat habitable, sorting out my finances and getting myself better with the help of people here and via the two other agencies who will be working with me.

Of course at present the plans are being changed hourly, I face toting a great deal of stuff about in the dark, and my anxiety levels are running extremely high. Who knew leaving the nuthouse would be worse and more stressful than entering it, even wanting to put it behind me?

[limey]

Here's hoping the Hawthorn holds sway. And well done in persistently telling your story over and over again until it was heard. xxx


Sent by thought transference

[Sundae]

I am now fully discharged from the Becklin Centre.
They had one final trick up their sleeve, discharging me without my full meds, because apparently my drugs chart is here at Hawthorn. Of course no-one could have predicted that in advance, given that they passed the drugs chart over themselves that morning without discharging me...

Still, I am in the position as stated above. Never not ever have to see them again.
I hated my time there. The only reason I clung on at the end was because of the promises originally made to me about the help I would receive before discharge. And because in a cold, dark wintery landscape there is something to be said for hot baths, a tumble drier, three meals and day and free electricity.

Have I managed to do anything to my flat yet, even taking out a single piece of rubbish?
No. Got back in the dark last night, left at 08.00 this morning. I'll be living like an animal in a hole for a little while yet. But I won't be there 24/7 this week at least, I won't be making anything worse there and I won't be drinking.

And I'll have access to you.

[limey]

You still have electricity at the flat? The day hospital functions at weekends?

Sent by thought transference

[Sundae]

I still have electricity at the flat, although I will try my best to use as little as possible as I already face a large bill. Of course this is the worst time of year to be trying to make fuel economies

And yes, this place is open every day, including weekends.
I don't know if I'm officially obliged to be here, but it is a protective environment, even if no groups or sessions run today. And I have to show willing in order to get as much help as possible. From what I gather I'll get two weeks here before I'm moved on...

[glatt]

I like hearing that you are planning to keep checking in to the hospital. I have no idea how it all works, but continually asking for help has got to be a good idea.

[DanaC]

Christ on a bike, what a nightmare you've had! Sorry you've been through the mill, hon. Hopefully the support systems you're accessing now can help you keep on an even keel.