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Parenting Bringing up the shorties so they aren't completely messed up

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Old 09-21-2014, 06:52 PM   #16
monster
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Are there charter schools around?

If he's at the neighbors', why not go and fetch him? Minor embarrassment is a great teaching tool

We deal with drawings all around the work area too. And we're not alone. I suspect that's another one in the "pretty normal" range.

Being pissed at being signed up for a class without your knowledge is also pretty normal for anyone above -say- first grade IMO. Why didn't his grandpa ask him if he would like to do it? Why didn't you respect his feelings when he said he didn't want to go? Was it financial? Or not wanting him to hurt grandpa's feelings? What would you have liked him to do here? And why?

"I try to keep the explanations as simple as possible"

Why? He doesn't sound stupid to me. Maybe he needs the complexities

"There are things you HAVE to do before you can do the things you WANT to do."

Why? Obviously I know why, but are you explaining why to him? You say his mental age is younger than his actual age, but the example you gave of his threat to get out of hip-hop class speaks to his reasoning skills and intelligence. "Because I say so" really does need to stop at some point if you are hoping to launch an independent and self-sustaining young adult on the world at some point. My limited experience with aspy-types is they enjoy explanations and logical conclusions and are great at rule-following if they understand the rule and the reasons for it

just some random thoughts, sorry
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:26 PM   #17
elSicomoro
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KS does not allow charter schools yet...the one in metro KC on the MO side are hit and miss.

My in-laws do not believe he has Asperger's...they think he's just a bit hyperactive. My FIL in particular means well but does things on occasion without telling us. Of course, they give into his every whim as many grandparents do, and after two days with him, they are worn out. We asked him to give it a day to see if he liked it, and if he didn't, he didn't have to go anymore. He didn't like the first day, so we didn't push the issue.

We try to encourage him to do things at school or in the community that he is really good at...like singing or performing. But he'd rather just play video games or ride his bike in the neighborhood. Then when he DOES want to get involved in, say, school choir, the sign-up has long passed.

We rarely use "Because I say so." We don't mind explaining things out to him (he is VERY literal), but when we do try to get more complex with him, off he goes into his own world. Sometimes he will hear it out all the way, then come up with a bunch more questions, which we try to be patient with and answer. Or he tries to negotiate with us, which we are willing to do sometimes. Or he tries to find a loophole that we later catch him in.
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Old 09-21-2014, 07:42 PM   #18
monster
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Is there a local parents' support group?
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:05 PM   #19
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There are, though some of the groups seem really quiet. We just need to pick one and go to it. I read a book a couple months ago called Finding Kansas that was written by a guy that actually has Asperger's. It gave me some insight into how my kid's thought process MIGHT work.
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:06 PM   #20
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I appreciate all the thoughts and info, guys! Just trying to get some outside thoughts and thoughts from those with experience in this situation.
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:10 PM   #21
monster
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what's the problem with loopholes? If he followed the rules to a T, can't you give credit for that?

yes, grandparents can be very frustrating. but that's your job to deal with, not his. seems like he upheld his part of the deal you made with him -he went to one class. Maybe he did not go in with an open mind. He's human. I really don't see the problem with this example, sorry. You tell gramps that you understand he wanted to do something fun for the boy, but you can't make a child enjoy something no matter how much it seems like something he should enjoy so perhaps he should check in with mom&you next time. Was this mom's dad?

I really do understand that you find it incredibly frustrating and I am trying to help but it's hard. I think you said he never really knew his biodad. But you entered the scene after he was old enough to have rationalized his existence as one child one parent, right? or wrong?

[begin blunt moment]
As a step-child, the amount of possessiveness you show here really grates for me. You always say "my son" not "our son", nevermind "my step-son". The more my mom's partners tried to parent me, the more I fought back. Didn't matter how much I was biting off my nose to spite my face. It's a hard situation for any child, I imagine much harder for one with the problems your son has. I think you are trying too hard and assuming too much "ownership" of this child. you cannot force your authority on any child. I'm sorry, it doesn't matter how much you want to be his dad. What matters is how much he wants you to be his dad. And if you insist on going in all guns blazing, I suspect that's not going to help your case. I understand you want and need to be there to support your partner, and this is one of the biggest challenges she has, but her son is an independent person, not part and parcel of the deal. You need to prove your worthiness as a dad before you expect to be respected/accepted as one.
[/bluntmoment]

I think I should probably leave this thread now. I'm not trying to be a bitch and piss you off, really -I think it's admirable what you are trying to do. But I think you're constantly leaving human nature out of the equation and want to relate all of the frustrations you face to the boy's diagnoses. I suspect many of the problem behaviors you see are all about age, gender, and step-parenting. in that order, and not necessarily one at a time. I'm not saying the ADD ODD and Asperger's don't feature -of course they do- but I think your ideal is way beyond what you should expect from a kid without these issues.
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Old 09-21-2014, 08:38 PM   #22
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I don't know if this was just a bad medium for discussing this situation, or if I didn't come across the right way, but...fuck it. I'm done.
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Old 09-22-2014, 06:41 AM   #23
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I know you're angry right now, Syc, but try to give some serious objective thought to what monster said when you're able to. I didn't reply in this thread because I basically agree with everything monster said and I knew you wouldn't want to hear it.
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Old 09-22-2014, 06:58 AM   #24
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I genuinely appreciated the thoughts here. However, there were some misunderstandings, and this is not the first time that monster has gotten shitty with me on Cellar recently. If I could recall pissing her off, it would make more sense.
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Old 09-22-2014, 08:27 AM   #25
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Everyone's past interactions color how they see that person now. But I'll be honest, I don't see anything shitty in what she wrote.
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Old 09-28-2014, 10:48 AM   #26
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I'm in agreement with Monster on this thread. My partner of 12 years and I had to reach an agreement on how to raise MY 2 children, including one who did not have a father in his life. What worked best was for us was for my partner to support ME as I set boundaries and disciplined MY children. He is my partner, not their father.

That said, does your stepson understand the concept of consequences? If the clothes are not picked up, the PS3 does not get played (remove it from the house, if necessary). I have a key lock on my bedroom to enable this sort of consequence. If schoolwork is done, then you can watch TV. As long as certain chores are complete, my kids can set in front of the TV in their jammies all weekend as far as I am concerned. But they have to earn that privilege. I have parental controls on my TV and Internet and have no problem removing doors, tv's, computers, phones, etc. to enforce loss of privilege. They go into an offsite storage unit.

As far as school is concerned, my son, who is very very bright, was bored to tears by normal school curriculum. He began failing everything, simply because he couldn't be bothered to do what he considered "that boring crap". The school transferred him to another school that has more hands on type curriculum and my son blossomed! Instead of reading a textbook about physics, they built a rocket and shot it off, for example. My daughter, who is ODD, we got into a charter school that lets kids go at their own pace, online. Took extra time for her to get through school, but she did it. The ODD about killed me, but consistency and firm consequences worked best to help her. Also, lots and lots of love. I don't believe in spanking/hitting, and they were raised without it.

Very successfully, I might add. Of course, the 9 yr old (our child) still has a ways to go .
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Old 09-28-2014, 01:30 PM   #27
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Yeah, setting straight forward guidelines and then rigorously following thru with the consequences when they are not met is the bottom line basis for parenting. Finding ways to make that as stress free as possible is the challenge.

My step son was failing school as early as the 2nd grade. His second grade teacher even begged his dad to keep him on his Adderall...and even offered to pay for it, if that was the issue. They wanted to hold him back after the fourth grade, but his dad talked them out of it. When I came on board I promised him we would get him through school with good grades. It ended up being the fight of my life and was mostly very, very ugly...for all of us. The stress level was to the roof. He couldn't see the benefit and so pretty much refused to even try. The screaming and fighting from all of us was nearly on the crazy side. Yeah, we were losers as parents, but we didn't know how to change him or us at that time.

Finally, in 7th grade, he came home with all F's one semester. In total desperation, I went to Barnes and Noble and bought nearly $200 in books on treating ADD. The smallest and cheapest book had the solution. It was a sheet of paper that he took to school daily to have every teacher sign. They only signed it if he fulfilled all the categories...1)Turned in homework, 2) Was averaging a C in class, and 3) Behaved well in class. If he missed just one signature or didn't have the paper at all - no matter what the reason - then he was grounded for that night. No phone, no games, no TV, and no going outside. Our only responsibility as parents, when it came to his studies, was checking that he had the paper fully signed every day. From that point on. we never reminded him about homework or studying for quizzes and tests. If he needed help, he had to ask and so we would.

It took him a couple of weeks to understand that we weren't flinching at all about following through with this. The day I really knew that it was working, was when he came running back into the house one morning before getting on the bus. He had left his homework in his bedroom. There was a dance that night, and he knew he wouldn't be able to go if that paper wasn't fully signed.

His grades started to improve drastically. Mostly B's, some A's, and a few C's, but never anything less. Best thing of all, he did it all on his own and NO MORE FIGHTING.
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Last edited by Pico and ME; 09-28-2014 at 01:36 PM.
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Old 09-28-2014, 04:01 PM   #28
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That's really great, Pico!
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