Divorce: perparing for the war

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by traceur

if i sue and she counter sues, she'll be subpeona here and it will go under Israeli law.

Look, here's what it boils down to. You are bitter and angry, and you want to sue her for some amount of stuff and/or money, and to get her kid taken away from her and sent to his biological father, possibly for his benefit but also to hurt her.

You are implicitly asking us permission to do this, on the pretense that she was going to do it to you first. But you're not getting it, from me at least. You got screwed, yes. But you need to walk away. Revenge will not get you what you want.

[monster]

You forgot the bit about being a drama queen and wanting Canadian Citizenship -although maybe you covered the latter with the bitter and angry bit.

How many people actually go to trial when they divorce? A handful. Especially not ones without joint legal or biological custody of a child and no money to shake a stick at. It's a non issue. As is the claim for custody/visitation. The kid won't even remember him. Harsh, but true.

And as for the sponsorship for Canadian Permanent Residence, she wouldn't be in a legal (or financial) position to sponsor him after the divorce. Doesn't sound much like she was even before it.

[it]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Look, here's what it boils down to. You are bitter and angry, and you want to sue her for some amount of stuff and/or money, and to get her kid taken away from her and sent to his biological father, possibly for his benefit but also to hurt her.

You are implicitly asking us permission to do this, on the pretense that she was going to do it to you first. But you're not getting it, from me at least. You got screwed, yes. But you need to walk away. Revenge will not get you what you want.

not really: i am asking her for "permission" to do it. a.k.a. informing her that if she is going to take legal action, only then i would follow through with doing the same. based on what she said, she gave it to me.

since then i further informed her of the financial consequances and that i will proceed unless she changes her mind unless she does it after the point i sign a contract or pay the lawyer, because frankly my family helped me pay for one lawyer too many based on her false promises (The immigration lawyer).

basically: she tells me she lets it go & i'll let it go, and that means i want to hear no legal threats from her, ever, or for that matter any attempt to gain any power over my life at any point in time.

from you i am simply asking for advice about how should i do it.

as far as costudy goes, from the emails i got from the lawyers so far, that is the one and only case i considered which isn't likely to succeed. one lawyer said otherwise but her entire response line indicated she didn't read a thing i told her beyond the word "divorce"... so no, this isn't on my table.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by traceur

basically: she tells me she lets it go & i'll let it go, and that means i want to hear no legal threats from her, ever, or for that matter any attempt to gain any power over my life at any point in time.

If you say so. You will end up divorced whether it is long and expensive, or quick and painless. After that, legal threats from her are a moot point, so I'm not sure why you would be worried about them for all eternity. It looks to me like she currently has power over your life, from the way you are letting her determine your reaction to her.

[DanaC]

Wise words, Clod.

[it]

maybe i should just contact the canadian embassy here and send her standard divorce papers, giving her an easy consequance free option to sign. in the mean time i'll just go on doing my research and lawyer correspondense for the cases.

if she sends them back signed, wonderful, if she doesn't, i can know for sure where she stands.

on a different note, i found out that my acount in another forum (the one dana took me from) has changed its password and retrieval email and had user activity while i was asleep. its quite possible that i forgot to change the password on that one... god damn it.

[classicman]

Clod's brain nails it again.
IMO you are headed toward the Looooong and expensive route.
The most you will get in return are annual holiday cards from the atty.
hope its worth it. I have SERIOUS doubts.

[monster]

Originally Posted by traceur

maybe i should just contact the canadian embassy here and send her standard divorce papers, giving her an easy consequance free option to sign. in the mean time i'll just go on doing my research and lawyer correspondense for the cases.

Don't do anything. Let her do it. Just sign the papers when they come if the terms are okay. Why the hurry when you dread the process?

[it]

wait so if she does it i don't pay the legal fee's?

[classicman]

Wait - maybe there will be no war.
You have very little if anything to gain and tons (of $$$$) to lose.
Dude, been there done that.

Step back from the edge of the cliff and start upon the path of YOUR new life.
Got a job? If not, go find one.
Got a hobby? Go and enjoy doing it. If not, go try something new.
Got a dog? Take it for a walk.
Start moving forward doing whatever it is you need to do to be happy.

[it]

i've rebuilt my life several times, but this time i have no idea how.

as far as the boy is concerned, i can barely stop thinking of him. every distraction comes back to bite my ass with "he'd love this" or "i wish i could do that with him" or "if he ever did that he'd be on time out", and lacking a distraction i just get worried and anxiest about him.

as far as she is concerned, wherever i make the transition from mad to sad, she comes back and pulls another crapy spiteful move, from continues threats to messaging me through my little sister (who doesn't even know how to read english) to the bloody little hacking move that moderators there have being working all day to fix.

a bigger and bigger part of me is just considering to say "fuck it" and press charges. let the state of canada represent me - the hacking thing alone ranges between a fine and a maximum of 5 years in jail. the only reason i have not to is the consequances to her child, and with every move she makes i feel pushed further and further. (edit: i would get some satisfaction in knowing she's doing some community service and picking dead animal carcasses though.. hm).

the thing is that right now i don't know, for the first time in a long time, where she's coming from. taking these sort of risks to her sense of independence and security, aspecially in the financial side, is so out of character for her. nothing is more important to this woman then her sense of independence, not love, not spite, nothing. this is just completely out of character for her.

[classicman]

Dunno dude ... you gotta disengage from her and start anew.
Have your lil sis BLOCK your ex's number.
Put one foot in front of the other and keep movin'

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by classicman

Dunno dude ... you gotta disengage from her and start anew.
Have your lil sis BLOCK your ex's number.
Put one foot in front of the other and keep movin'

This.


Trace, let her do what she is going to do. Have no contact with her and get on with your life.

[Stormieweather]

The only power she has over you is the power you grant her.

As long as you continue to dance the dance, you will stay stuck and in pain. Do what's best for YOU. Do you honestly think reacting to her bs, looking for ways to obtain vengeance, or obsessing over the child is best for YOU?

I've lost a child I loved that wasn't mine. Two of them. I have their half brother, and they don't even know about him. Sad what kind of hurt we inflict on one another out of spite. But I can tell you that the hurt will ease with time.

Step out of the arena and move on with your life. As they say, living well is the best revenge.

Go forth and live well.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by traceur

wait so if she does it i don't pay the legal fee's?

Yes, this is what several people have tried to tell you. You don't have to hire a lawyer at all. You don't have to pay for anything. The one filing for divorce has to pay for all of it. The only way you pay any money is if you hire your own lawyer to start a fight.