Most & Least Favorite Ways to Cope - Page 4

OnyxCougar · 10-03-2003, 07:35 PM

As a person who got emotionally and physically abused for around 2 years, and not aware of the specifics of your situation, let me give you this kernel of Onyx Wisdom:

No one will allow themselves to be helped if they don't really want it.

No matter what you do, how much you beg, plead or threaten, it won't happen until she wants to get of where she is.

I call it "I have had enough."

I stayed with that freak until "I" had had "enough" of his bullshit. At that point, I was ready for help. Up until that point, nothing you could have said or done would have convinced me to even consider leaving. Even tho I was getting cut on, even tho I was getting verbally beat down, even tho he was dislocating joints as a teaching tool. Didn't matter. Until I had enough.

So in the meantime, be there for the kids like it sounds like you're doing, and hope she gets enough soon enough to enjoy her kids, too.

Whit · 10-03-2003, 11:43 PM

      Being there for the kids is natural to me. Kids and I are just drawn to each other. Random children see me as a really cool jungle jim, and truthfully I really like throwing a kid around a bit. I've been accused of being a really big kid on many occasions.
      With my own kids I'm worse than a mind reader. The boy once said something about not understanding why people use so much foul language, I laughed and said, "Like you, on the playground, with your friends when the teachers not around?" His whole body went rigid, and I could see the panic in his eyes. The not knowing how I knew. Like I was never a ten year old boy...

      As for his mom, I'll help if she ever wishes me to, as I have in the past. It's one of those horribly complex adult things. The better she feels about herself, the more she tends to want to spend time around me. The lower her self-esteem, the more spiteful she is and she tends to talk badly of me when I'm not around. The really nasty catch is, if she spends to much time around me she tends to start feeling bad about herself again, and I don't know why. I have a few theories but that's all they are. Of course, if I refuse to spend time around her then it's a serious blow to her self-esteem. Pitfalls all around.
      I'm quite glad that she's engaged as it gives me a reason to not be around without context. I don't know how it'll work out in the long run though. Also, the boy is going to go to war with this guy when he starts coming around more, or eventually moves in.
      So it's all screwed up, from the adult side it's good for me. Gives me a break from a really weird relationship. From the kid side it really sucks. Unhappy kids isn't something I'm willing to accept. Just to put the bow on this Gordian knot, I believe that as a result of the fight the boy will eventually put up he'll wind up living with me, unofficially of course. Which I want, but will probably leave him with a slew of abandonment issues.

      Gah, I wish I was young enough to not be expected to understand any of this...
      Thanks for the chance to vent.

daniwong · 10-09-2003, 01:49 PM

Whit - I wish the same thing. Being an adult is hard work. Being a "stepmother" type is really really hard work. (Had to answer the 12 year old when she asked what a "blow job" was.) I just wanna be 10 again and have a very sqewed view of reality. I'm tired of being a grown up.

Ok - done whining.

juju · 10-09-2003, 02:05 PM

Did you explain it or dance around the issue?

OnyxCougar · 10-09-2003, 02:07 PM

And if you did explain it, HOW did you explain it?

10-09-2003, 03:47 PM

And also, would you please demonstrate it to me?

daniwong · 10-09-2003, 06:45 PM

Well - I asked her - do you want the honest true explanation or the explanation my mom would have given me? Her comment (she is such my child) "well - lets go for the truth and if I don't like that I will go for the other one." So I told her (almost in clinical terms - didn't want to have to explain any more slang) and her comment was

EEEEWWWWWWWW!!! YYYYYUUUUUKKKKKK! Thats disgusting!!!!! GROOOOOSSSSSS! (I laughed)

And then I asked her - now my mom's version would have been "when a man and a woman love each other, and they are married yadda yadda". She agreed that the truth was better. And then she asked "don't these women know that they pee out of that??!!" I just about peed my pants I was laughing so hard.

I always find with kids - honesty is the best policy. Otherwise they get a screwed up version from some kid out on the playground.

Also, because I told my BF and his ex that she had asked - the BF freaked out (she's his little girl) The ex asked if she could send the kids to me from now on with sex & "female" questions cause she gets all flustered.

daniwong · 10-09-2003, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
And if you did explain it, HOW did you explain it?

Well - first I asked if she knew what sex was. (she has been through health class) And she did. And I asked her if she knew what the male orgasm/female orgasm was. She knew the male orgasm - but typical public school - didn't know what the female one was. So - I put the female orgasm aside for a bit - and explained that there are many ways a male can experience an orgasm. I explained that sex was one way, a "hand job" was another, and a "blow job" was still another.

Then I got into the female orgasm and explained that it is something that normally women have to figure out themselves first how to have - and then maybe if they are lucky - will have during sex.

I'm an honest blunt person. But - being that the 12 year old is so much like me its easy. If the 8 year old had asked - I would have put a softer spin on it.

Undertoad · 10-09-2003, 07:11 PM

A great approach! It is so much better to hear a sincere adult answer. She'll know that you're the honest one, the one who respects her, and that she can talk frankly about these kinds of things with you. And she won't get some weird nonsense in her head from getting the story from other kids.

And when she grows up she won't think of sex as something half-mystery, half-evil, so she'll be more realistic about it and she'll have the right tools to make good decisions.

10-09-2003, 07:18 PM

When I was young, I heard the word "whore". I asked my mom what it meant, and she said "a girl that's not nice". Hilarity ensues, of course, when I tell my friends I know what the word means and am way off base. Talk about being embarrassed.

OnyxCougar · 10-09-2003, 07:39 PM

I grew up with my dad during the "sex talk" years, and while he could discuss everything else with me, he approached me like this one day when I was 16:

"I made an appointment for you today at the Doctor."
"Why? Am I sick?"
"No, but you're getting ripe now and you need to see the Doctor."
"Ripe? What am I, a fruit now?"
"No, you know.... ripe ...."
I blinked at him for a moment, "Ripe? Like I stink and I'm ripe?"
"No!! You know, becoming a woman?"
"OH! RIPE. Geez, Dad. Is this the bees portion of the birds and the bees? What is the fruit analogy? You could have said blossoming flower or something."
"Look, just be at this doctor," he handed me the gyno's card, "and let me know if they need signatures or anything."
"OK Dad. They'll probably need one for birth control."
"Why would they need that?"
"Never mind, Daddy. I'm going to my room now. The one with no boys in it."
"Good Deal. I'll test you on your code tonight after the 'net, and if you talk to KD7RDR, tell her I said 88's."
"OK, Daddy."

I was pregnant about 3 months later.

juju · 10-10-2003, 01:30 AM

This may be a really dumb, naive question.

Are there any sort of laws about telling your kids about sex? I mean, don't people freak out about that sort of thing? I could just see some parent being hauled off to jail for telling their kid what a penis, vagina, and orgasm is. The kids goes to school and mentions it, the teacher calls social services, and your kids are whisked away, right?

Dagney · 10-10-2003, 06:56 AM

I think that would happen if you actually use the "Show" part of the whole "show and tell" concept.

dags

Griff · 10-10-2003, 07:18 AM

Juju anywhere outside Arkansas you can feel free to have the sex talks with your kids. Pete and I combined our backgrounds on this one. Her folks were the flood the kid with info and books young types, whereas mine were more see what that bull is doing there? Anyway we're doing our best to make it natural human/mammal stuff and the girls will understand that any little males who show up around here are subject to all manner of police state tactics.

darclauz · 10-10-2003, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by juju
This may be a really dumb, naive question.

Are there any sort of laws about telling your kids about sex? I mean, don't people freak out about that sort of thing? I could just see some parent being hauled off to jail for telling their kid what a penis, vagina, and orgasm is. The kids goes to school and mentions it, the teacher calls social services, and your kids are whisked away, right?

ummm...ya don't tell them about the orgasm part.

just the other stuff.

that's NEVER covered in sex ed... =)

10-03-2003, 07:35 PM	#46
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	As a person who got emotionally and physically abused for around 2 years, and not aware of the specifics of your situation, let me give you this kernel of Onyx Wisdom: No one will allow themselves to be helped if they don't really want it. No matter what you do, how much you beg, plead or threaten, it won't happen until she wants to get of where she is. I call it "I have had enough." I stayed with that freak until "I" had had "enough" of his bullshit. At that point, I was ready for help. Up until that point, nothing you could have said or done would have convinced me to even consider leaving. Even tho I was getting cut on, even tho I was getting verbally beat down, even tho he was dislocating joints as a teaching tool. Didn't matter. Until I had enough. So in the meantime, be there for the kids like it sounds like you're doing, and hope she gets enough soon enough to enjoy her kids, too. __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

10-03-2003, 11:43 PM	#47
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Being there for the kids is natural to me. Kids and I are just drawn to each other. Random children see me as a really cool jungle jim, and truthfully I really like throwing a kid around a bit. I've been accused of being a really big kid on many occasions.       With my own kids I'm worse than a mind reader. The boy once said something about not understanding why people use so much foul language, I laughed and said, "Like you, on the playground, with your friends when the teachers not around?" His whole body went rigid, and I could see the panic in his eyes. The not knowing how I knew. Like I was never a ten year old boy...       As for his mom, I'll help if she ever wishes me to, as I have in the past. It's one of those horribly complex adult things. The better she feels about herself, the more she tends to want to spend time around me. The lower her self-esteem, the more spiteful she is and she tends to talk badly of me when I'm not around. The really nasty catch is, if she spends to much time around me she tends to start feeling bad about herself again, and I don't know why. I have a few theories but that's all they are. Of course, if I refuse to spend time around her then it's a serious blow to her self-esteem. Pitfalls all around.       I'm quite glad that she's engaged as it gives me a reason to not be around without context. I don't know how it'll work out in the long run though. Also, the boy is going to go to war with this guy when he starts coming around more, or eventually moves in.       So it's all screwed up, from the adult side it's good for me. Gives me a break from a really weird relationship. From the kid side it really sucks. Unhappy kids isn't something I'm willing to accept. Just to put the bow on this Gordian knot, I believe that as a result of the fight the boy will eventually put up he'll wind up living with me, unofficially of course. Which I want, but will probably leave him with a slew of abandonment issues.       Gah, I wish I was young enough to not be expected to understand any of this...       Thanks for the chance to vent. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

10-09-2003, 01:49 PM	#48
daniwong Vice-President of Resentment Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 196	Whit - I wish the same thing. Being an adult is hard work. Being a "stepmother" type is really really hard work. (Had to answer the 12 year old when she asked what a "blow job" was.) I just wanna be 10 again and have a very sqewed view of reality. I'm tired of being a grown up. Ok - done whining. __________________ Mistress of all that is claim related.

10-09-2003, 02:07 PM	#50
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	And if you did explain it, HOW did you explain it? __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

10-09-2003, 06:45 PM	#52
daniwong Vice-President of Resentment Join Date: Sep 2003 Posts: 196	Well - I asked her - do you want the honest true explanation or the explanation my mom would have given me? Her comment (she is such my child) "well - lets go for the truth and if I don't like that I will go for the other one." So I told her (almost in clinical terms - didn't want to have to explain any more slang) and her comment was EEEEWWWWWWWW!!! YYYYYUUUUUKKKKKK! Thats disgusting!!!!! GROOOOOSSSSSS! (I laughed) And then I asked her - now my mom's version would have been "when a man and a woman love each other, and they are married yadda yadda". She agreed that the truth was better. And then she asked "don't these women know that they pee out of that??!!" I just about peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I always find with kids - honesty is the best policy. Otherwise they get a screwed up version from some kid out on the playground. Also, because I told my BF and his ex that she had asked - the BF freaked out (she's his little girl) The ex asked if she could send the kids to me from now on with sex & "female" questions cause she gets all flustered. __________________ Mistress of all that is claim related.

10-09-2003, 02:05 PM	#49
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	Did you explain it or dance around the issue?

10-09-2003, 03:47 PM	#51
dave Guest Posts: n/a	And also, would you please demonstrate it to me?

10-09-2003, 07:11 PM	#54
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	A great approach! It is so much better to hear a sincere adult answer. She'll know that you're the honest one, the one who respects her, and that she can talk frankly about these kinds of things with you. And she won't get some weird nonsense in her head from getting the story from other kids. And when she grows up she won't think of sex as something half-mystery, half-evil, so she'll be more realistic about it and she'll have the right tools to make good decisions.

10-09-2003, 07:18 PM	#55
dave Guest Posts: n/a	When I was young, I heard the word "whore". I asked my mom what it meant, and she said "a girl that's not nice". Hilarity ensues, of course, when I tell my friends I know what the word means and am way off base. Talk about being embarrassed.

10-09-2003, 07:39 PM	#56
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	I grew up with my dad during the "sex talk" years, and while he could discuss everything else with me, he approached me like this one day when I was 16: "I made an appointment for you today at the Doctor." "Why? Am I sick?" "No, but you're getting ripe now and you need to see the Doctor." "Ripe? What am I, a fruit now?" "No, you know.... ripe ...." I blinked at him for a moment, "Ripe? Like I stink and I'm ripe?" "No!! You know, becoming a woman?" "OH! RIPE. Geez, Dad. Is this the bees portion of the birds and the bees? What is the fruit analogy? You could have said blossoming flower or something." "Look, just be at this doctor," he handed me the gyno's card, "and let me know if they need signatures or anything." "OK Dad. They'll probably need one for birth control." "Why would they need that?" "Never mind, Daddy. I'm going to my room now. The one with no boys in it." "Good Deal. I'll test you on your code tonight after the 'net, and if you talk to KD7RDR, tell her I said 88's." "OK, Daddy." I was pregnant about 3 months later. __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

10-10-2003, 01:30 AM	#57
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	This may be a really dumb, naive question. Are there any sort of laws about telling your kids about sex? I mean, don't people freak out about that sort of thing? I could just see some parent being hauled off to jail for telling their kid what a penis, vagina, and orgasm is. The kids goes to school and mentions it, the teacher calls social services, and your kids are whisked away, right?

10-10-2003, 06:56 AM	#58
Dagney The Prodigal Brat Returneth Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: North Cackalacky Posts: 1,107	I think that would happen if you actually use the "Show" part of the whole "show and tell" concept. dags __________________ The Constitution gives every American the right to make a total fool out of himself. But that doesn't mean you need to.

10-10-2003, 07:18 AM	#59
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Juju anywhere outside Arkansas you can feel free to have the sex talks with your kids. Pete and I combined our backgrounds on this one. Her folks were the flood the kid with info and books young types, whereas mine were more see what that bull is doing there? Anyway we're doing our best to make it natural human/mammal stuff and the girls will understand that any little males who show up around here are subject to all manner of police state tactics. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

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