Most & Least Favorite Ways to Cope - Page 3

Whit · 09-26-2003, 10:15 PM

      Hey, a chance to reask an old question. Since you use the same method, Dani, maybe you can tell me. Onyx didn't answer...

Quote:

From me:
Onyx, if I may ask, does the shutting down method actually get you over it, or is it just a system to bury it? By bury it I mean submerge it somewhere where it might reemerge later.

      For the record, my curiosity stems from thinking this sounds a lot like my least favorite method listed above. I may be way off though. Just want to know if I am or not.

OnyxCougar · 09-27-2003, 01:58 PM

Sorry, Whit, didn't see it.

It depends on whether or not the shutting down process was interrupted. If it's allowed to go on until it's done, then I'm actually over it. If it's interrupted, like it was when Steven (the fiancee, not the current husband) was killed, then it just reemerges. I'm only now, 12 years later, getting over that, mostly because I was told by my husband at the time to "deal with it and move on", and I wasn't allowed to grieve. So the time from then to now has been resolving things little teeny bit by bit.

daniwong · 09-29-2003, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
      Hey, a chance to reask an old question. Since you use the same method, Dani, maybe you can tell me. Onyx didn't answer...       For the record, my curiosity stems from thinking this sounds a lot like my least favorite method listed above. I may be way off though. Just want to know if I am or not.

Well - its kinda the same as Onyx. Except when I go into my deep dark hole - it is to gain an understanding of what happened in order to be able to move forward by figuring out how to deal with it. And if that made no sense - I sorry.

Whit · 09-29-2003, 09:54 PM

      Thanks Onyx and Dani. The suggestion then, is that my experience has been with people that didn't get to cope like that completely then. they got cut off and are having to deal slowly. That makes sense.
      If I can ask another, if you can't use this method Onyx said she was " resolving things little teeny bit by bit" any suggestions as to how someone might do this? I mean if they seem to be locked up, how do you get the ball rolling?
      I really appreciate any help. I've never understood what the hell was going on with these people. Any help you can give me will hopefully help them. Thanks again.

daniwong · 09-30-2003, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
      Thanks Onyx and Dani. The suggestion then, is that my experience has been with people that didn't get to cope like that completely then. they got cut off and are having to deal slowly. That makes sense.
      If I can ask another, if you can't use this method Onyx said she was " resolving things little teeny bit by bit" any suggestions as to how someone might do this? I mean if they seem to be locked up, how do you get the ball rolling?
      I really appreciate any help. I've never understood what the hell was going on with these people. Any help you can give me will hopefully help them. Thanks again.

Personally - no one can get my shit together but me. All I have ever wanted when I have come out of the hole with my own understanding of a situation is for a person to listen. The important thing is that your spouse/significant other know that this is how you cope and deal with things. trust me - explaining this to the other one really helps with relationships as I have found out the hard way. (Because they think your pissed at them and your not. Blah blah.)

OnyxCougar · 09-30-2003, 07:23 PM

I agree with Dani. If my husband at the time had been more supportive and helped me through it, I'm sure it would have been much easier for me to deal with the whole thing. Instead, I was told curtly to "move on" and "I don't understand why this is such a big deal to you."

Well, it wasn't his job to understand why it's a big deal to me, just that it WAS a big deal, and it was his job, as my (loving) husband to care about me enough to just listen. I had no friends at the time, and he didn't want to hear it.

So I would say, if you have a close friend/spose/S.O. that is having some sort of meltdown, the BEST thing is to understand that it's ok not to know why they are melting down, just that they ARE, and be there for them, just to listen (not to SOLVE the problem, just listen to it and be supportive). Extra hugs or cuddles is good (if we're talking about a female and she appreciates that sort of thing), or maybe just going out for a beer or something.

xoxoxoBruce · 09-30-2003, 07:57 PM

It sure as hell doesn't help when we say what's wrong and you say "nothing" while you're melting down. Give us a damn clue, will ya.:p

OnyxCougar · 09-30-2003, 08:05 PM

Well, I've never been one of those types of people. I've never been the kind of person that thinks you should be able to read my mind. I'll tell you what my problem is.

daniwong · 10-01-2003, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
Well, I've never been one of those types of people. I've never been the kind of person that thinks you should be able to read my mind. I'll tell you what my problem is.

Ditto - again school of hard knocks - learned this the hard way. I know my BF is not a mind reader. But - if I'm pissed - I tend to try and cool down and think my way through it and then have a normal conversation as opposed to a screaming match. Kinda drives him buggy. I don't yell and I don't like having angry discussions - nothing is solved. He made the comment once that I was an "Ice princess" and that nothing fazed me. While it is true that I tend not to let little shit bother me, I also don't like having anger taken out on me - so I don't do it to others. Drives him buggy because I won't fight with him. LOL.

Whit · 10-02-2003, 12:40 AM

      Ack... Just listen? But ... but ... if there's a problem ... it ... must be ... fixed...

      I hear ya though. I just know a particular person that really needs to go deal with some bad stuff in her past. I just don't know how to get her to start dealing. I don't mean in a "get over it" way. I mean it in a, "You've really been hurt, but you're sabotaging your happiness now, it's time to deal with it" way. Also, I can't be there to listen, actually, even if I could I don't want to be there to listen. But it's affecting others close to me. Kind of a quandry.
      It was a long shot but I had to try. Thanks anyway.

daniwong · 10-02-2003, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
      Ack... Just listen? But ... but ... if there's a problem ... it ... must be ... fixed...

      I hear ya though. I just know a particular person that really needs to go deal with some bad stuff in her past. I just don't know how to get her to start dealing. I don't mean in a "get over it" way. I mean it in a, "You've really been hurt, but you're sabotaging your happiness now, it's time to deal with it" way. Also, I can't be there to listen, actually, even if I could I don't want to be there to listen. But it's affecting others close to me. Kind of a quandry.
      It was a long shot but I had to try. Thanks anyway.

Wowsers- I never thought of a problem like that. Hmmm. If it was me - and its not but hell you are getting my opinion anyway - if you had just said that the "you've really been hurt, but you're sabotaging...etc" to me - and if I am not aware that this is what I am doing - then that could be the light bulb. Have you tried this? And again - if it was me being you- I would make sure that I came at it from a "I really care about you and this is worrying me because...." type of a standpoint.

Whit · 10-03-2003, 12:13 AM

      Yeah, I tried that a while back and it worked for a while. She entered therapy and everything. She's since dropped it and returned to the emotional downward spiral. Even gotten engaged to a guy that treats her like shit and her son hates.
      I guess more info is in order. "She" is my daughters mom and I've been raising her son since he was four, he's ten now. I'm the one he turns to for help, I'm the one he chose to help guide him through his young life.
      I'd be happier if I never had to see her agian, but with the kids that's not how it works. I bear her no ill will, I really wish her the best, just don't want to be there for it. The kids though, I have a responsibility to them and I love them too dearly to let my feelings get in the way of the job of being 'Dad.'
      The bright side is that the worse she gets, the more I get the kids. Sadly, I'm not a big enough bastard to push my advantage. I'd much rather they have a healthy, loving relationship with their mom. The problem is trying to help her from a distance.

      For the record, if I post it then you are free to respond to it. It would be stupid to post and not want a response, so fire away.

daniwong · 10-03-2003, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Whit
      Yeah, I tried that a while back and it worked for a while. She entered therapy and everything. She's since dropped it and returned to the emotional downward spiral. Even gotten engaged to a guy that treats her like shit and her son hates.
      I guess more info is in order. "She" is my daughters mom and I've been raising her son since he was four, he's ten now. I'm the one he turns to for help, I'm the one he chose to help guide him through his young life.
      I'd be happier if I never had to see her agian, but with the kids that's not how it works. I bear her no ill will, I really wish her the best, just don't want to be there for it. The kids though, I have a responsibility to them and I love them too dearly to let my feelings get in the way of the job of being 'Dad.'
      The bright side is that the worse she gets, the more I get the kids. Sadly, I'm not a big enough bastard to push my advantage. I'd much rather they have a healthy, loving relationship with their mom. The problem is trying to help her from a distance.

      For the record, if I post it then you are free to respond to it. It would be stupid to post and not want a response, so fire away.

Again - wowsers. Its good that you are not a bastard and it is good that you want to help your kids have a normal stable family life. However, since it has been mentioned to her before, it seems like the downward spiral is going to continue until she decides she wants out of it. All I can suggest is keep being the fine upstanding father that you are and offer her support from a distance and when she does try and get out of her funk, send her even more support. Thats my opinion.

Whit · 10-03-2003, 07:21 PM

      Heh, actually I think I'm not a complete bastard because I want to help my kids have a normal stable family life. I openly admit that I'm a half-bastard, it even used to be part of my user-title. Hey, what is a normal family anyway...?
      I'll try to help. The way I figure it the worse she gets the more I'll have the kids. It's a win-win situation for me. What is important here is that I shield the kids from the worst of it one way or another.
      Anyway, thanks for your input. I do appreciate it.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-03-2003, 07:30 PM

Whit, you're a damn fool. I have tremendous admiration for your ability to do what you're doing. Hope it works out, especially for the kids sake.

09-27-2003, 01:58 PM	#32
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	Sorry, Whit, didn't see it. It depends on whether or not the shutting down process was interrupted. If it's allowed to go on until it's done, then I'm actually over it. If it's interrupted, like it was when Steven (the fiancee, not the current husband) was killed, then it just reemerges. I'm only now, 12 years later, getting over that, mostly because I was told by my husband at the time to "deal with it and move on", and I wasn't allowed to grieve. So the time from then to now has been resolving things little teeny bit by bit. __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

09-29-2003, 09:54 PM	#34
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Thanks Onyx and Dani. The suggestion then, is that my experience has been with people that didn't get to cope like that completely then. they got cut off and are having to deal slowly. That makes sense.       If I can ask another, if you can't use this method Onyx said she was " resolving things little teeny bit by bit" any suggestions as to how someone might do this? I mean if they seem to be locked up, how do you get the ball rolling?       I really appreciate any help. I've never understood what the hell was going on with these people. Any help you can give me will hopefully help them. Thanks again. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

09-30-2003, 07:23 PM	#36
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	I agree with Dani. If my husband at the time had been more supportive and helped me through it, I'm sure it would have been much easier for me to deal with the whole thing. Instead, I was told curtly to "move on" and "I don't understand why this is such a big deal to you." Well, it wasn't his job to understand why it's a big deal to me, just that it WAS a big deal, and it was his job, as my (loving) husband to care about me enough to just listen. I had no friends at the time, and he didn't want to hear it. So I would say, if you have a close friend/spose/S.O. that is having some sort of meltdown, the BEST thing is to understand that it's ok not to know why they are melting down, just that they ARE, and be there for them, just to listen (not to SOLVE the problem, just listen to it and be supportive). Extra hugs or cuddles is good (if we're talking about a female and she appreciates that sort of thing), or maybe just going out for a beer or something. __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

09-30-2003, 07:57 PM	#37
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It sure as hell doesn't help when we say what's wrong and you say "nothing" while you're melting down. Give us a damn clue, will ya.:p __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

09-30-2003, 08:05 PM	#38
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	Well, I've never been one of those types of people. I've never been the kind of person that thinks you should be able to read my mind. I'll tell you what my problem is. __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

10-02-2003, 12:40 AM	#40
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Ack... Just listen? But ... but ... if there's a problem ... it ... must be ... fixed...       I hear ya though. I just know a particular person that really needs to go deal with some bad stuff in her past. I just don't know how to get her to start dealing. I don't mean in a "get over it" way. I mean it in a, "You've really been hurt, but you're sabotaging your happiness now, it's time to deal with it" way. Also, I can't be there to listen, actually, even if I could I don't want to be there to listen. But it's affecting others close to me. Kind of a quandry.       It was a long shot but I had to try. Thanks anyway. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

10-03-2003, 12:13 AM	#42
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Yeah, I tried that a while back and it worked for a while. She entered therapy and everything. She's since dropped it and returned to the emotional downward spiral. Even gotten engaged to a guy that treats her like shit and her son hates.       I guess more info is in order. "She" is my daughters mom and I've been raising her son since he was four, he's ten now. I'm the one he turns to for help, I'm the one he chose to help guide him through his young life.       I'd be happier if I never had to see her agian, but with the kids that's not how it works. I bear her no ill will, I really wish her the best, just don't want to be there for it. The kids though, I have a responsibility to them and I love them too dearly to let my feelings get in the way of the job of being 'Dad.'       The bright side is that the worse she gets, the more I get the kids. Sadly, I'm not a big enough bastard to push my advantage. I'd much rather they have a healthy, loving relationship with their mom. The problem is trying to help her from a distance.       For the record, if I post it then you are free to respond to it. It would be stupid to post and not want a response, so fire away. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

10-03-2003, 07:21 PM	#44
Whit Umm ... yeah. Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Arkansas, USA Posts: 949	Heh, actually I think I'm not a complete bastard because I want to help my kids have a normal stable family life. I openly admit that I'm a half-bastard, it even used to be part of my user-title. Hey, what is a normal family anyway...?       I'll try to help. The way I figure it the worse she gets the more I'll have the kids. It's a win-win situation for me. What is important here is that I shield the kids from the worst of it one way or another.       Anyway, thanks for your input. I do appreciate it. __________________ A friend will help you move. A true friend will help you move a body.

10-03-2003, 07:30 PM	#45
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Whit, you're a damn fool. I have tremendous admiration for your ability to do what you're doing. Hope it works out, especially for the kids sake. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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