Decisions....

Sun_Sparkz · 02-21-2007, 12:01 AM

Wont you please, please, help me...

Someone just toss a coin and let the intermediary of the cosmos tell me which way to go.

Broke up with my SO on New Years 06/07 - it hurt a little but no tears were shed from my naïve little eyes. We still have been living together - but he is only home 2 nights per week as he is a teacher out in the outback and comes home on weekends - and we hadnt figured it was urgent to move out - we have a huge house and just rearranged it so we each had our own personal space.

worked for me - didnt for him.

Over the last month or so i began to really enjoy single life - i felt free and like my wings were unfolding and i was learnign to fly on my own and i felt SO GOOD about myself. i was going out 3 nights per week, made lots of new friends and went on about 5 really nice dates in that time. (not because im searching for another relationship, but just for fun and to meet new people)

Anyway, my ex suddenly decided that he was terribly sorry for how he took advantage of me and begged me to take him back. he got very ambitious about it and was quite impressive in his quest to win me back. so about a week and a half ago i decided to give him another half hearted shot - and he has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to be nice to me. but i found myself being cold and disinterested in him.

Feeling neglected, he woke up yesterday morning, wrote a letter of resignation and emailed me to tell me he had quit his job and was moving to the Coffs Coast (some 800kilometres away) because he was sick of the hurting.

I dont know why - but i lost it. i flipped out - told him to hold off the resignation until we talk, and I apologised for not trying hard enough. i completely pandered to his emotions and he drove 5 hours home to see me so we could spend last night cuddling and "sorrying" our way back to perfection land. But now he has gone again and i feel so much better that he is gone. i feel like me again.

Why did i react like this? I dont think im ready to settle down - but then im not ready to lose him either.

on one side of the coin i have what i know is a wonderful bond and great friendship with a gorgeous, intelligent guy.

on the other side of the coin i have freedom - living a single, independant life and getting major satisfaction that i can do it on my own. and having fun meeting new people and dating etc. i also had ambitions to go overseas for a while solo and fend for myself over there.

now i am in limbo - i know i have to make a decision fast to minimise the damage and so i can focus on where i am going.. but i just dont know what to do.

Both options have similar positives, and the negatives of each are simply that you cannot have the other option.

02-21-2007, 12:07 AM

It seems to me like you want him in your life, but not as your SO.
I don't think that is an option.
What is best for him? Not just you, but him as well?

Aliantha · 02-21-2007, 12:08 AM

From the outside it sounds to me like it's over mate. It's always hard to tell though because you can never give all the info on stuff like this online.

Sometimes the reason we hold onto someone isn't really associated with loving them. It's a bit the same as knowing it's time to move out of your parents place, but knowing at the same time, you're going to miss someone doing the washing and cooking etc.

In short, it's easier, even if a bit restricting to stay in the comfort zone.

Cloud · 02-21-2007, 12:11 AM

Braving the danger of making a snap judgment about someone I hardly know based on a few paragraphs of narrative . . .

sounds like it was just a last minute panic attack, and you know in your heart it's not right between you. Let him go.

DanaC · 02-21-2007, 03:47 AM

Yup. I gotta agree with Cloud.

I spent too long with my SO, because leaving felt too painful. It doesn't get easier. It's a shame, a real shame that you can't have both, but from what you've said, you sound much happier as a singleton just now.

Again like Cloud, I'll brave the danger of snap judegments about someone I hardly know.......don't do what I did. In the end both people end up hurting much more.

Sundae · 02-21-2007, 04:24 AM

You can miss someone without loving them, and love someone without wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.

I think your reaction was a knee-jerk one - all of a sudden it was out of your hands and you panicked.

Accept that it's going to hurt for a while - like pulling off a plaster - and then both of you will be better off. You know you'll be happier without him, and if you can't give him 100% he will definitely be happier without you in the long run.

But then I tend to run away from things, so perhaps you should take my advice with a pinch of salt....!

Elspode · 02-21-2007, 08:49 AM

This is going to be predictable, coming from me, but...perhaps a polyamorous relationship would suit you?

Sun_Sparkz · 02-21-2007, 07:35 PM

thanks for your advice guys, your all so brilliant. just what i needed to hear. everyone i ask in person for advice just says "follow your heart".. PFFT i wish it was that easy.

But i care about him soo much that i know that i have to be cruel to be kind, i have to let him go so he can eventually be happy.

An open relationship really wouldnt work, he doesnt like me goign out too much, he has gripes that i am flirty,and when guys hit on me he says it undermines him as a man.

sigh... this would be easier if he was ugly.

He is coming home tonight and has been texting me saying he cant wait to see me etc - Ive got knots in my tummy about what im going to say - about what decsion i will make (on the spur of the moment) that will determine the (perhaps) the rest of my life.

DucksNuts · 02-21-2007, 07:41 PM

Nothing different to add really.

You panicked at losing the *comfortable shoe*.

The fact that you are sooooo happy and ready to move onwards and upwards when you are single speak volumes...listen to it luvie.

Sounds like, in the long run, the break will be the best thing for both of you. For different reasons.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-22-2007, 10:44 PM

He's that little blue blanket you feel so comfy with, but don't really need, and slows you down when you're away from the house. Cut bait, you'll both be better off in the long run.

02-23-2007, 01:54 AM

Please do not take this as a criticism or anything more than what it is. I'm just getting a read on why you had the reaction that you did, when you had it.
Are you normally a person who like to control their environment, surroundings and what goes on in their life? Schedules, how and when decisions are made and on what time line, menus, route to and from places, etc?

WabUfvot5 · 02-23-2007, 05:51 AM

Undermines him as a man? Sounds like he isn't sure of himself or has confidence problems. Do you suspect your flipping out was partly because he was a good safety net (and confidence boost) to you?

skysidhe · 02-26-2007, 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sun_Sparkz

He is coming home tonight and has been texting me saying he cant wait to see me etc - Ive got knots in my tummy about what im going to say - about what decsion i will make (on the spur of the moment) that will determine the (perhaps) the rest of my life.

Lots of good comments here. Best of luck to you Sun_Sparkz.

DucksNuts · 02-26-2007, 06:26 PM

Update Sunny????

Aliantha · 02-26-2007, 08:09 PM

Yeah...what's the go flo?

02-21-2007, 12:01 AM	#1
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	Decisions.... Wont you please, please, help me... Someone just toss a coin and let the intermediary of the cosmos tell me which way to go. Broke up with my SO on New Years 06/07 - it hurt a little but no tears were shed from my naïve little eyes. We still have been living together - but he is only home 2 nights per week as he is a teacher out in the outback and comes home on weekends - and we hadnt figured it was urgent to move out - we have a huge house and just rearranged it so we each had our own personal space. worked for me - didnt for him. Over the last month or so i began to really enjoy single life - i felt free and like my wings were unfolding and i was learnign to fly on my own and i felt SO GOOD about myself. i was going out 3 nights per week, made lots of new friends and went on about 5 really nice dates in that time. (not because im searching for another relationship, but just for fun and to meet new people) Anyway, my ex suddenly decided that he was terribly sorry for how he took advantage of me and begged me to take him back. he got very ambitious about it and was quite impressive in his quest to win me back. so about a week and a half ago i decided to give him another half hearted shot - and he has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to be nice to me. but i found myself being cold and disinterested in him. Feeling neglected, he woke up yesterday morning, wrote a letter of resignation and emailed me to tell me he had quit his job and was moving to the Coffs Coast (some 800kilometres away) because he was sick of the hurting. I dont know why - but i lost it. i flipped out - told him to hold off the resignation until we talk, and I apologised for not trying hard enough. i completely pandered to his emotions and he drove 5 hours home to see me so we could spend last night cuddling and "sorrying" our way back to perfection land. But now he has gone again and i feel so much better that he is gone. i feel like me again. Why did i react like this? I dont think im ready to settle down - but then im not ready to lose him either. on one side of the coin i have what i know is a wonderful bond and great friendship with a gorgeous, intelligent guy. on the other side of the coin i have freedom - living a single, independant life and getting major satisfaction that i can do it on my own. and having fun meeting new people and dating etc. i also had ambitions to go overseas for a while solo and fend for myself over there. now i am in limbo - i know i have to make a decision fast to minimise the damage and so i can focus on where i am going.. but i just dont know what to do. Both options have similar positives, and the negatives of each are simply that you cannot have the other option. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

02-21-2007, 12:08 AM	#3
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	From the outside it sounds to me like it's over mate. It's always hard to tell though because you can never give all the info on stuff like this online. Sometimes the reason we hold onto someone isn't really associated with loving them. It's a bit the same as knowing it's time to move out of your parents place, but knowing at the same time, you're going to miss someone doing the washing and cooking etc. In short, it's easier, even if a bit restricting to stay in the comfort zone. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

02-21-2007, 12:11 AM	#4
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Braving the danger of making a snap judgment about someone I hardly know based on a few paragraphs of narrative . . . sounds like it was just a last minute panic attack, and you know in your heart it's not right between you. Let him go. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

02-21-2007, 04:24 AM	#6
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	You can miss someone without loving them, and love someone without wanting to spend the rest of your life with them. I think your reaction was a knee-jerk one - all of a sudden it was out of your hands and you panicked. Accept that it's going to hurt for a while - like pulling off a plaster - and then both of you will be better off. You know you'll be happier without him, and if you can't give him 100% he will definitely be happier without you in the long run. But then I tend to run away from things, so perhaps you should take my advice with a pinch of salt....! __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

02-21-2007, 08:49 AM	#7
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	This is going to be predictable, coming from me, but...perhaps a polyamorous relationship would suit you? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

02-21-2007, 12:07 AM	#2
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	It seems to me like you want him in your life, but not as your SO. I don't think that is an option. What is best for him? Not just you, but him as well?

02-21-2007, 03:47 AM	#5
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Yup. I gotta agree with Cloud. I spent too long with my SO, because leaving felt too painful. It doesn't get easier. It's a shame, a real shame that you can't have both, but from what you've said, you sound much happier as a singleton just now. Again like Cloud, I'll brave the danger of snap judegments about someone I hardly know.......don't do what I did. In the end both people end up hurting much more.

02-21-2007, 07:35 PM	#8
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	thanks for your advice guys, your all so brilliant. just what i needed to hear. everyone i ask in person for advice just says "follow your heart".. PFFT i wish it was that easy. But i care about him soo much that i know that i have to be cruel to be kind, i have to let him go so he can eventually be happy. An open relationship really wouldnt work, he doesnt like me goign out too much, he has gripes that i am flirty,and when guys hit on me he says it undermines him as a man. sigh... this would be easier if he was ugly. He is coming home tonight and has been texting me saying he cant wait to see me etc - Ive got knots in my tummy about what im going to say - about what decsion i will make (on the spur of the moment) that will determine the (perhaps) the rest of my life. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

02-21-2007, 07:41 PM	#9
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Nothing different to add really. You panicked at losing the comfortable shoe. The fact that you are sooooo happy and ready to move onwards and upwards when you are single speak volumes...listen to it luvie. Sounds like, in the long run, the break will be the best thing for both of you. For different reasons.

02-22-2007, 10:44 PM	#10
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	He's that little blue blanket you feel so comfy with, but don't really need, and slows you down when you're away from the house. Cut bait, you'll both be better off in the long run. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-23-2007, 01:54 AM	#11
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Please do not take this as a criticism or anything more than what it is. I'm just getting a read on why you had the reaction that you did, when you had it. Are you normally a person who like to control their environment, surroundings and what goes on in their life? Schedules, how and when decisions are made and on what time line, menus, route to and from places, etc?

02-23-2007, 05:51 AM	#12
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Undermines him as a man? Sounds like he isn't sure of himself or has confidence problems. Do you suspect your flipping out was partly because he was a good safety net (and confidence boost) to you?

02-26-2007, 06:26 PM	#14
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Update Sunny????

02-26-2007, 08:09 PM	#15
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Yeah...what's the go flo? __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

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