You Must Control Your Temper!

Sun_Sparkz · 07-21-2004, 12:27 AM

Road rage, being nasty to people you love for no reason, blowing things out of proportion, making a big deal out of things, not accepting your wrong, constantly trying to prove your point, yelling too much, yelling too loud, saying "I hate you" too many times to people you actually love, swearing too much.....

I am a nice person. Generally I think people like me, I make friends easily and keep friends easily. But underneath, if triggered, there is a bubbling volcano of swearing, yelling and making a big deal of things. But I only really release this to people who are close to me, who I subconsciously am aware that they will still love me no matter how much I go off at them, but its starting to wear thin.

Its starting to effect one or two relationships I have= family/boyfriend etc. I just cant control my temper!

I know this is probably a pathetic thread, and I'm sorry to babble on about my problems, but if any of you have any advice on how to help me control my anger, any techniques, philosophies.. please post them! (or else!)

lumberjim · 07-21-2004, 12:54 AM

smoke more pot

wolf · 07-21-2004, 12:59 AM

We spend a lot of time insisting on being nice ... you're not ALLOWED to express any of the "dangerous" emotions, only the "good" ones, especially if you're a chick. Then you're really not allowed to be anything other than garden-party happy.

Kind of like Stepford.

Anger and rage are valid emotions that do need expressing from time to time. Sort of a relief-valve approach, letting it off bits at a time so that you don't go *snap* all at once.

Finding some non- or less-harmful way of expressing the involved energy is usually good ... physical activity, for example, or artwork, or the old standby of severe pillow abuse. If you choose that last, I recommend foam pillows. Cleaning up the feathers is a real pain in the ass.

Sun_Sparkz · 07-21-2004, 12:59 AM

well.. thats one method i haven't tried!

I have tried knitting, breathing therepy, biting my nails, counting to ten, but haven't yet dabbled in the illegal methods of calming oneself down.

Sun_Sparkz · 07-21-2004, 01:04 AM

Thanks Wolf!

See thats my problem, i have TRIED being nice, and i can do it well, but i find it all just builds up and then i'll be nasty for twice as long as i was nice.

Also if i find myself focefully trying to be nice to these guys, its almost as though i'm faking it, and i don't want to be fake!

wolf · 07-21-2004, 02:00 AM

Work on sarcasm too. The more subtle the better. You get the satisfaction of having soundly insulted someone ... and by the time they figure it out, you're miles away.

Catwoman · 07-21-2004, 03:16 AM

Waste of time all these divertion exercises - count to ten, take a deep breath bla bla bla. Anger results from frustration and that is what needs addressing. Generally the frustration is an expression of the inability to communicate something. Maybe there are things you want to say to your partner/family but you don't know how? Try aligning yourself onto their level, reach out to them, and communicate on their terms. For example, if you know it winds your boyfriend up when you ask a question and don't wait for him to answer, don't do it! Take your time, give him time, and actually communicate. Then you won't feel the need to shout to make yourself heard.

evansk7 · 07-21-2004, 05:06 AM

Quote:

and by the time they figure it out, you're miles away.

Before you criticise a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, when he gets angry, you're a mile away and he's barefoot.

Griff · 07-21-2004, 07:56 AM

Find the root cause... then take out your frustration on us cellarites.

Beestie · 07-21-2004, 08:12 AM

If you really can't control it, I'd try to figure out what's at the root of it. But, if you only do it with family/people close to you - its sort of like walking around in your underwear - its a liberty you take with family that you would never do in public. In that sense, its slightly self-indulgent (I lose mine at home before I would outside as well so I'm including myself as well).

Its tempting to get psychoanalytical with questions like this and I'm no therapist or anything but now that I think about it if you are losing it with people you love then I wonder if there isn't some exposed nerve that only those that close to you can reach.

I don't have any suggestions for how not to lose control - they all involve control which, at that moment, you don't have. It has to be pre-emptive and that involves finding the nerve and dealing with it in advance. But I could be way off base. I would reflect a little on exactly how you felt right before you lost it. That might help guide some self-exploration.

If nothing else works, make a deal with everyone that you tend to lose it with. Either you leave the area (before you lose it) or you agree in advance to wash their car or something. Silly, I realize but if it works...

Griff · 07-21-2004, 08:21 AM

How about looking at it from a behavior modification standpoint. ABC. Antecedent /Behavior /Consequence. A- Do you get angry in the same situations or at the same things? C- What do you get out of these blowups? Do you get your way? Do you get attention? Do you avoid something?

jinx · 07-21-2004, 11:13 AM

How about B vitamins? Do a google search on B vitamins and mood...
And I'll second physical activity. I prefer mindless repetative motion (like running) so I can think things out.

evansk7 · 07-21-2004, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx

I'll second physical activity. I prefer mindless repetative motion

That's the upshot to a job that involves writing software for non life-or-death applications. Your fingers can do all the work while your brain shuts down for an 8.5 hour nap, and then it's time to go home.

lookout123 · 07-21-2004, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

Finding some non- or less-harmful way of expressing the involved energy is usually good ... physical activity, for example, or artwork, or the old standby of severe pillow abuse.

target practice with a nice .40??? mmmm, must leave work and kill paper man...

wolf · 07-21-2004, 01:29 PM

What works for me may not for others.

Besides, the poor thing's in Australia. Her government disarmed her a couple years ago. Heck, she can't even have a sword ...

(my coworkers were very, very nervous when my reaction to my best friend's suicide by firearm was to head out to the range and work out my frustration and anger with about 500 rounds of ammo in the course of a weekend.)

07-21-2004, 12:27 AM	#1
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	You Must Control Your Temper! Road rage, being nasty to people you love for no reason, blowing things out of proportion, making a big deal out of things, not accepting your wrong, constantly trying to prove your point, yelling too much, yelling too loud, saying "I hate you" too many times to people you actually love, swearing too much..... I am a nice person. Generally I think people like me, I make friends easily and keep friends easily. But underneath, if triggered, there is a bubbling volcano of swearing, yelling and making a big deal of things. But I only really release this to people who are close to me, who I subconsciously am aware that they will still love me no matter how much I go off at them, but its starting to wear thin. Its starting to effect one or two relationships I have= family/boyfriend etc. I just cant control my temper! I know this is probably a pathetic thread, and I'm sorry to babble on about my problems, but if any of you have any advice on how to help me control my anger, any techniques, philosophies.. please post them! (or else!) __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

07-21-2004, 12:54 AM	#2
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	smoke more pot __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-21-2004, 12:59 AM	#3
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	We spend a lot of time insisting on being nice ... you're not ALLOWED to express any of the "dangerous" emotions, only the "good" ones, especially if you're a chick. Then you're really not allowed to be anything other than garden-party happy. Kind of like Stepford. Anger and rage are valid emotions that do need expressing from time to time. Sort of a relief-valve approach, letting it off bits at a time so that you don't go snap all at once. Finding some non- or less-harmful way of expressing the involved energy is usually good ... physical activity, for example, or artwork, or the old standby of severe pillow abuse. If you choose that last, I recommend foam pillows. Cleaning up the feathers is a real pain in the ass. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

07-21-2004, 12:59 AM	#4
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	well.. thats one method i haven't tried! I have tried knitting, breathing therepy, biting my nails, counting to ten, but haven't yet dabbled in the illegal methods of calming oneself down. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

07-21-2004, 01:04 AM	#5
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	Thanks Wolf! See thats my problem, i have TRIED being nice, and i can do it well, but i find it all just builds up and then i'll be nasty for twice as long as i was nice. Also if i find myself focefully trying to be nice to these guys, its almost as though i'm faking it, and i don't want to be fake! __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

07-21-2004, 02:00 AM	#6
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Work on sarcasm too. The more subtle the better. You get the satisfaction of having soundly insulted someone ... and by the time they figure it out, you're miles away. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

07-21-2004, 03:16 AM	#7
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Waste of time all these divertion exercises - count to ten, take a deep breath bla bla bla. Anger results from frustration and that is what needs addressing. Generally the frustration is an expression of the inability to communicate something. Maybe there are things you want to say to your partner/family but you don't know how? Try aligning yourself onto their level, reach out to them, and communicate on their terms. For example, if you know it winds your boyfriend up when you ask a question and don't wait for him to answer, don't do it! Take your time, give him time, and actually communicate. Then you won't feel the need to shout to make yourself heard. __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

07-21-2004, 07:56 AM	#9
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Find the root cause... then take out your frustration on us cellarites. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

07-21-2004, 08:12 AM	#10
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	If you really can't control it, I'd try to figure out what's at the root of it. But, if you only do it with family/people close to you - its sort of like walking around in your underwear - its a liberty you take with family that you would never do in public. In that sense, its slightly self-indulgent (I lose mine at home before I would outside as well so I'm including myself as well). Its tempting to get psychoanalytical with questions like this and I'm no therapist or anything but now that I think about it if you are losing it with people you love then I wonder if there isn't some exposed nerve that only those that close to you can reach. I don't have any suggestions for how not to lose control - they all involve control which, at that moment, you don't have. It has to be pre-emptive and that involves finding the nerve and dealing with it in advance. But I could be way off base. I would reflect a little on exactly how you felt right before you lost it. That might help guide some self-exploration. If nothing else works, make a deal with everyone that you tend to lose it with. Either you leave the area (before you lose it) or you agree in advance to wash their car or something. Silly, I realize but if it works... __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

07-21-2004, 08:21 AM	#11
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	How about looking at it from a behavior modification standpoint. ABC. Antecedent /Behavior /Consequence. A- Do you get angry in the same situations or at the same things? C- What do you get out of these blowups? Do you get your way? Do you get attention? Do you avoid something? __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

07-21-2004, 11:13 AM	#12
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	How about B vitamins? Do a google search on B vitamins and mood... And I'll second physical activity. I prefer mindless repetative motion (like running) so I can think things out. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

07-21-2004, 01:29 PM	#15
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	What works for me may not for others. Besides, the poor thing's in Australia. Her government disarmed her a couple years ago. Heck, she can't even have a sword ... (my coworkers were very, very nervous when my reaction to my best friend's suicide by firearm was to head out to the range and work out my frustration and anger with about 500 rounds of ammo in the course of a weekend.) __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

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