try not to compare your insides to their outsides

[monster]

A friend posted this on facebook and I liked it. I suspect most of us do this and we'd be a lot happier if we didn't.

Originally Posted by Anne Lamott

Everyone is screwed up, broken, clingy, and scared, even the people who seem to have it more or less together. They are much more like you than you would believe. So try not to compare your insides to their outsides. Also, you can't save, fix or rescue any of them, or get any of them sober. But radical self-care is quantum, and radiates out into the atmosphere, like a little fresh air. It is a huge gift to the world

[Clodfobble]

I like the idea of radical self-care. I think when you politely but confidently do what's best for you, it gives other people inspiration to do the same for themselves, which always works out better than if I try to accommodate all of your needs while you're busy trying to accommodate all of mine.

[lumberjim]

Yah, most people have their own built in damage.... Except glatt. That prick has his shit together.

[orthodoc]

Having met glatt, even though briefly, I would agree.

Still, at this late date, trying to get my own shit together; radical self-care is definitely a start.

[limey]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

... if I try to accommodate all of your needs while you're busy trying to accommodate all of mine.

This is always a bad idea. I think it is the rock on which many relationships founder.

Sent by thought transference

[footfootfoot]

or dashed to the tiniest of smithers.

[glatt]

Thanks for your kind words guys. It's all relative though. I've got my insecurities just like everyone else. I'm quite the introvert, and that can be a little awkward when going to a guy's night or something like that and everyone is joking around and I just sit there quietly, making only an occasional comment.

And at work. Ugh. My boss is nearing retirement age, and I'm her assistant, holding a very specific and fairly small managerial role too. And the thought of becoming responsible for this whole department when she leaves fills me with anxiety. But I feel like I have to try to take her position when she leaves, because I'm the obvious choice to fill it. But it matches up with all my weaknesses.

But hey, I'll project calmness and confidence if that's helpful to everyone else. Faking it is half the battle.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by glatt

Faking it is half the battle.

Preach it!

[DanaC]

Faking it is half the battle.

That was how I got through all that public engagement crap you have to do as a councillor. And teaching. In both cases the idea of doing what i was about to do scared me shitless - so I played the part til I could do it for real.

[infinite monkey]

This is a great thread with great comments. Comparing my insides to others' outsides has always been a big issue with me.

And faking it until making it...can be hard as hell but it works.

[DanaC]

Oh Hell, me too. It was the bane of my youth, that. I'm not as bad about it now as I used to be. I think I got the message somewhere round my early 30s -but I still forget and have to remind myself from time to time.

[footfootfoot]

My shrink tells me every time I see her that NO ONE has their shit together. At all. Everyone is engaged in some sort of clusterfuck. She's been in the game over 25 years and has heard it all.

I believe her.

[infinite monkey]

So, for me, that fact makes it even worse because I wonder why in the fuck people need to be faking shit all the fucking time. I don't think it's 'faking it until making it' I think it's a bunch of phony I'm so great shit. I'm so great and nothing is wrong so you must be a real piece of shit because everything is wrong with you.

Which is my perception and obviously the whole point of 'don't compare your insides to their outsides.' That right there is that 'rub' of lore of yore.

[monster]

I needed this mantra this weekend when people were judging/criticizing me for my massive diet coke consumption (as I sat for hour after hour at the score table because not enough people volunteered). It is true, it is one of my demons ...but just one of them and not terribly high up on my exorcism list right now.

As I was driving back to the school for the second dose on Saturday, I found myself crying as I was driving and trying to gee myself up to tell them about how it hurt my feelings because I do know it's bad for me but...... and then I thought "wait, maybe they are comparing their insides to my outside and don't realize I'm screwed up too and will be hurt....." And it worked. By the time I got there, I didn't need to tell them any more. I realized people think I have my shit together when really I don't and I felt better and able to deal with it.

....and then some lovely person brought me two huge bottles of diet coke and I wanted to hug her for not judging me. And I'm not huggy.

[Clodfobble]

Ooh, that's an excellent point as well--not just to understand that other people don't have their shit together, but that they probably mistakenly think that you do have your shit together, and may act accordingly defensive.

I'm glad you got your diet cokes.