will i ever learn?

Shawnee123 · 12-11-2006, 07:53 AM

Ran into my newly ex'ed boyfriend last night. We have remained friends, thought it's not always easy. I invited him over for dinner, and we watched some TV and had a couple beers. He was all snuggly and kissy, which he had not been for the last few months we were together.

Edited to add: I DID send him home for the night and nothing happened because that would have been way too much to handle.
The problem is, I always think he must just want something (and no, I don't mean physical) because that has been his MO in the past. Yet, another side of me thinks he is sad and depressed and really does love and need me.

Because of a few matters, he was instrumental in messing me up financially (I take responsibility for not being prepared for the inevitable bumps that happen in life, but he sent me reeling into brokedom.)

I want to be there for him but loving him has proven to be quite painful at times.

Will I EVER learn?

bbro · 12-11-2006, 08:40 AM

Probably not. If it is so hard for you, maybe it isn't best for you to be friends. I understand where you are coming from though and have done the same things myself. I don't do it now, mainly because we live in different states. Hopefully, I am going home for the holidays and will probably run into my ex. I am scared that I am going to fall into that whole thing again, but I am scared more because I know seeing him will confirm my feelings for him. I do love him, but it is hard when you realize that love isn't enough.

Edit to add: sorry, I was trying to help, but realized after I posted that I just dumped all my crap into the thread. Apparently I will never learn either!!

Shawnee123 · 12-11-2006, 08:59 AM

Having confirmation that other people have been through the "love is not enough" IS help, bbro! Thanks.

Sundae · 12-11-2006, 09:08 AM

Oh I have SO been through "love is not enough"! Also "I'll take what I want from you because it's on offer"

It doesn't matter whether he's manipulating you deliberately, or just being himself - if you are liable to get hurt then back away.

I know it's hard, and your own brain and heart are the enemies within, but don't listen to the "What if...?" voices. It's over. It's over for a reason. You deserve someone whose behaviour doesn't cause you problems. You're not saying he is a bad man just because he isn't right for you, any more than you are a bad person for not being right for him.

Whether he is depressed and loves you, or is actually after something is neither here nor there. Think about what you want and move on. It's for the best. Twenty years from now your biographer will spell his name wrong.

Shawnee123 · 12-11-2006, 09:25 AM

Thanks SG

Quote:

Twenty years from now your biographer will spell his name wrong.

Reminds me of a T-shirt "Careful or you'll end up in my novel."

Sigh, he's a good guy in so many ways but I can't spend the rest of my life trying to make his life right.

Quote:

It doesn't matter whether he's manipulating you deliberately, or just being himself - if you are liable to get hurt then back away.

You're right, I have no idea if he is even capable of deliberate manipulation, but the end result is the same.

Argh

bbro · 12-11-2006, 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Sigh, he's a good guy in so many ways but I can't spend the rest of my life trying to make his life right.

OMG!! I totally could have written that!! I see the good in him that other people don't give a chance for, but at the same time, I need to see him realizing that he has to change and why. Things could not continue the way they were. I may always love him, but that doesn't mean that we should be together.

Shawnee123 · 12-11-2006, 10:30 AM

There isn't much chance of mine ever really changing; he's 44 and has been like this his whole life.

Still, I wish I could wrap him up in comfy blankets and take all his cares away. Caretaker Syndrome much?

Hoof Hearted · 12-11-2006, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shawnee123

Still, I wish I could wrap him up in comfy blankets and take all his cares away.

Screw that! You need someone to wrap YOU up in comfy blankets and take all YOUR cares away! When you find someone who will do for you, what you will do for them...then you can have a truly balanced relationship. It never really works out when only one person does everything.

Shawnee123 · 12-11-2006, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

Screw that! You need someone to wrap YOU up in comfy blankets and take all YOUR cares away! When you find someone who will do for you, what you will do for them...then you can have a truly balanced relationship. It never really works out when only one person does everything.

Oh God, I know you're right...this has been a problem my whole life...thinking I should take other's pain for myself (after all, I can handle it better..right?)

What a refreshing idea to think someone would want to make me feel better for a change.

KinkyVixen · 12-13-2006, 10:59 AM

You'll learn. When you get so fed up that you're unwilling to let him make you feel the way you do. Trust me. It happens. Recently, to me. So hold your head high and hang in there...

Griff · 12-13-2006, 11:09 AM

Mr. Wrong (Cracker)
Well, meet me by the river that goes nowhere.
Let me lay my sorry trip on you.
Won't you meet me by the river, little darling'?
I might just let you see my bad tattoo.

Well I was gonna bring you flowers, but I didn't.
It's the thought that counts and I think I'm a bit too broke.
But there's some change in my ashtray--maybe just enough to pay.
For a half pint of somethin', probably make us choke.

CHORUS:
Well you know I'd rather not go and meet your family.
They'd probably send me back where I belong.
Don't want to hear about Mr. Right.
'Cause he's out of town tonight.
Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong.

I drive a one-eyed Malibu without a muffler.
And a tape deck that works if you kick it hard enough.
And baby if you like to read, I've got some great pornography.
And a ten pound flashlight rolling in the trunk.

CHORUS

Now, do you have a girlfriend and does she look as good as you?
Would she like to meet my brother?
He'll be out of jail in a month or two.

CHORUS

Where I come from they call me Mr. Wrong.

Shawnee123 · 12-13-2006, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Well I was gonna bring you flowers, but I didn't.
It's the thought that counts and I think I'm a bit too broke.

Quote:

I drive a one-eyed Malibu without a muffler.
And a tape deck that works if you kick it hard enough.

Wow, much too close to reality. Sigh...

Sundae · 12-13-2006, 12:56 PM

Trust me, it's no better when they have nice new cars and are on 3x your salary.

If they don't care about much beyond your T&A (was going to put something cruder, but you get the picture) then they're a wrong 'un all the same.

Tho I'm thinking - dangerously - that a little heartache would be a nice change sometime soon...

Shawnee123 · 12-13-2006, 01:12 PM

I know...I once had the "Knight in Green Dodge Stealth" playing the same shit. Thank GOD I escaped that one.

This "Guy with Painted Wooden Bumper" is a big sweetie...just not particularly full of clues.

Elspode · 12-13-2006, 02:59 PM

Can't you just use him for sex and then throw him aside? Presuming that he's not a slacker in the sack, you could still enjoy each other, and keep your wallet out of the equation. Then, when Mr. Knows How to Do the Nasty *and* Balance a Checkbook comes along, you can nab him.

Just trying to be helpful. Might as well be entertained if nothing better is coming along. Tell him there's no commitments.

12-11-2006, 07:53 AM	#1
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	will i ever learn? Ran into my newly ex'ed boyfriend last night. We have remained friends, thought it's not always easy. I invited him over for dinner, and we watched some TV and had a couple beers. He was all snuggly and kissy, which he had not been for the last few months we were together. Edited to add: I DID send him home for the night and nothing happened because that would have been way too much to handle. The problem is, I always think he must just want something (and no, I don't mean physical) because that has been his MO in the past. Yet, another side of me thinks he is sad and depressed and really does love and need me. Because of a few matters, he was instrumental in messing me up financially (I take responsibility for not being prepared for the inevitable bumps that happen in life, but he sent me reeling into brokedom.) I want to be there for him but loving him has proven to be quite painful at times. Will I EVER learn? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby Last edited by Shawnee123; 12-11-2006 at 09:00 AM.

12-11-2006, 08:59 AM	#3
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Having confirmation that other people have been through the "love is not enough" IS help, bbro! Thanks. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-11-2006, 09:08 AM	#4
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Oh I have SO been through "love is not enough"! Also "I'll take what I want from you because it's on offer" It doesn't matter whether he's manipulating you deliberately, or just being himself - if you are liable to get hurt then back away. I know it's hard, and your own brain and heart are the enemies within, but don't listen to the "What if...?" voices. It's over. It's over for a reason. You deserve someone whose behaviour doesn't cause you problems. You're not saying he is a bad man just because he isn't right for you, any more than you are a bad person for not being right for him. Whether he is depressed and loves you, or is actually after something is neither here nor there. Think about what you want and move on. It's for the best. Twenty years from now your biographer will spell his name wrong. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

12-11-2006, 10:30 AM	#7
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	There isn't much chance of mine ever really changing; he's 44 and has been like this his whole life. Still, I wish I could wrap him up in comfy blankets and take all his cares away. Caretaker Syndrome much? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-13-2006, 10:59 AM	#10
KinkyVixen Marching In! Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Wichita, KS Posts: 580	You'll learn. When you get so fed up that you're unwilling to let him make you feel the way you do. Trust me. It happens. Recently, to me. So hold your head high and hang in there... __________________ "Smile before bed.You'll sleep better."

12-11-2006, 08:40 AM	#2
bbro Insert witty comment here Join Date: May 2004 Location: Raleigh, NC Posts: 2,182	Probably not. If it is so hard for you, maybe it isn't best for you to be friends. I understand where you are coming from though and have done the same things myself. I don't do it now, mainly because we live in different states. Hopefully, I am going home for the holidays and will probably run into my ex. I am scared that I am going to fall into that whole thing again, but I am scared more because I know seeing him will confirm my feelings for him. I do love him, but it is hard when you realize that love isn't enough. Edit to add: sorry, I was trying to help, but realized after I posted that I just dumped all my crap into the thread. Apparently I will never learn either!!

12-13-2006, 11:09 AM	#11
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Mr. Wrong (Cracker) Well, meet me by the river that goes nowhere. Let me lay my sorry trip on you. Won't you meet me by the river, little darling'? I might just let you see my bad tattoo. Well I was gonna bring you flowers, but I didn't. It's the thought that counts and I think I'm a bit too broke. But there's some change in my ashtray--maybe just enough to pay. For a half pint of somethin', probably make us choke. CHORUS: Well you know I'd rather not go and meet your family. They'd probably send me back where I belong. Don't want to hear about Mr. Right. 'Cause he's out of town tonight. Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong. I drive a one-eyed Malibu without a muffler. And a tape deck that works if you kick it hard enough. And baby if you like to read, I've got some great pornography. And a ten pound flashlight rolling in the trunk. CHORUS Now, do you have a girlfriend and does she look as good as you? Would she like to meet my brother? He'll be out of jail in a month or two. CHORUS Where I come from they call me Mr. Wrong.

12-13-2006, 12:56 PM	#13
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Trust me, it's no better when they have nice new cars and are on 3x your salary. If they don't care about much beyond your T&A (was going to put something cruder, but you get the picture) then they're a wrong 'un all the same. Tho I'm thinking - dangerously - that a little heartache would be a nice change sometime soon... __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

12-13-2006, 01:12 PM	#14
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I know...I once had the "Knight in Green Dodge Stealth" playing the same shit. Thank GOD I escaped that one. This "Guy with Painted Wooden Bumper" is a big sweetie...just not particularly full of clues. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

12-13-2006, 02:59 PM	#15
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Can't you just use him for sex and then throw him aside? Presuming that he's not a slacker in the sack, you could still enjoy each other, and keep your wallet out of the equation. Then, when Mr. Knows How to Do the Nasty and Balance a Checkbook comes along, you can nab him. Just trying to be helpful. Might as well be entertained if nothing better is coming along. Tell him there's no commitments. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

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