Ex's are vex's

[Aliantha]

Do you ever feel bad about or sorry for people you've loved in the past? People who once meant a lot to you but for reasons that are sometimes hard to put into words, the relationship didn't work?

I feel like that about my ex. My boys father.

We split almost 10 years ago and there were some pretty good reasons for it on my side such as infidelity and abuse, so I know it was the right decision for me knowing that nothing was really going to change no matter how remorseful he was after each event.

The trouble is that he's now almost 50 and he's not settled in his life. He has no one special other than his kids (of which there are 4 now) and he continues to make the same mistakes in relationships. The hard part for me is that he's not close to his family and I just feel so bad that he has no joy in his life (from what I can see). I especially feel bad at this time of year because I know I look forward to the closeness I feel with my family and I used to share that with him, and even though I don't love him any more, I still feel a bond or something hard to describe because of the two wonderful sons we share. I know I'm not responsible for the choices he's made in his life, but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad that the choices he's made have led him to the point he's at in his life. Not only for his sake, but for his kids sake. I think that even if they don't think too much about it now, it might be something that could come back to haunt them later in their own lives.

He's going to die a lonely man if he doesn't change and I hate the thought of anyone going on to where ever after having had a life that seems to me to have been filled with more sadness and strife than happiness and joy. I started thinking about this when I dropped the kids off to him today for a couple of days before he heads off to Darwin again and before I knew it I was sniffling and crying my way home.

Is it normal to feel this way about someone who at one time made your life hell? Does anyone else have any similar stories to share so that I know I'm not the only sentimental fool in the world?

[Juniper]

I feel sort of like that about my ex. I didn't marry the guy, but we were together 6 years and lived together, so damn close. No kids together, thank goodness.

After he broke up with me (or shall I say, during the protracted breakup) he began a relationship with an older woman, married her, had two boys with her, then they split up and he was arrested twice for harassing/stalking/scaring his kids - evidently he had a habit of getting drunk and showing up on the doorstep, screaming at them. He was unemployed for a while and now to the best of my knowledge lives with his older brother.

I feel so bad for him - part of me still sort of loves the guy, as he never did anything really bad to me. Yeah, he was a little mentally unstable, but not abusive particularly. Kind of a lost little boy who never had anyone worthwhile to guide him (sniffle) and had issues with his parents, an oh-so-loving Catholic family that made no secret of the fact he was their "oops" kid.

I haven't seen him in 18 years but I hear about him now and then through the grapevine. I keep thinking, if I'd have stayed with him and stuck it out, he'd be happier, more successful. But realistically I think he would have just dragged me down along with him.

[Aliantha]

Yeah...that's exactly it.

Although I wouldn't give up the life I have now, I think that if we'd stayed together his life would be better. It's definitely gone downhill since we split. We were paying off a home and everything. Now he rents and I highly doubt he'll ever own his own home. For starters his age is against him for a mortgage now. (and no I didn't get the house when we split. We sold it and split the money)

I think I feel guilty about the kids sometimes too. I know it distresses them sometimes...but I know I'm a better mother to them now than I could ever have been if I'd stayed.

[Aliantha]

Is it a female thing to take on (emotional) responsibility for how someone else lives their life?

Are there any of you blokes that get what I'm saying here?

[DanaC]

It'd break my heart in two if J was unhappy and alone. I still feel at least partially responsible for his well-being and happiness. I know he shares that sense of responsibility when it comes to me.

When Mum and Dad split, Mum's life took off in happier directions (give or take a couple of years of hell courtesy of her mad-as-fuck daughter:P) . Dad never quite seemed to find his peace. None of us know him well enough to know whether he was as unhappy as that life would have made any one of us...could be that he enjoyed hislife immensely until illness struck. But there always has been a slight air of isolation abut Dad. I know that mum worries about him still. They've been divorced longer than they were married (24 years divorced, 22 years married) and neither of them has had another partner (though mum had a couple of flings and Dad may have had entanglements that i don't know about). But they still look out for each other.

When Dad got ill a couple of years ago, and was living in that wreck of a house with no water supply, he'd come and stay in Halifax from time to time. A break for a few days at mum's house, where he could do a bit of laundry and rest for a while. On one occasion he stayed a little too long. he was dreadfully ill and was unable to travel for about two weeks. I remember mum starting to get seriously depresed. Him being there was changing the atmosphere of her house; rocketing her back into the stultifying air of a dead marriage, finding herself falling into old patterns of interaction.

She kept the visits short after that. Started being 'away' sometimes when he phoned. Broke it up a little, without withdrawing help and friendship entirely. She doesn't see him very often these days, maybe a few times a year. She still worries sometimes. She's still the one his friends call when he's been taken into casualty in the middle of the night. He still looks out for her. He still feels a sense of financial responsibility to her and to my brother and I, but most particularly to her. She has to be very careful about what she says on the phone because if he gets an inkling she's struggling, he'll turn up with some cash.

There is tension and sadness in their friendship. They are like two different generations, though he is only 9 years older. There are secrets and things never said, and old hurts that are close enough to the surface to bleed once in a while. But there's also a quiet acceptance of that. They're both such different people to the ones who divorced, it's almost inconceivable that they were ever together. All such a long time ago, with periods of years inbetween with little contact. He's more like an aged relative, than an ex-partner.

It depends on the person I guess. Maybe it is more of a female thing than a male one, but I suspect it cuts both ways overall. I think if you've truly loved and cared for someone, something of that remains after that love has died/turned to something else. That's my experience anyway.

[Shawnee123]

I feel like I could have written much of what has been posted here. I have been on the verge of tears for a couple days so I won't elaborate much. Suffice to say my ex is a wonderful person, I care very much for him, and I want him to find happiness. Hell, I want me to find happiness, but I'm not sure I ever will. Still, I would feel better if I knew he were OK.

Then I pile on my need to not hurt Homeless Guy. I do care about him...but I'm so tired of being responsible for everything, including not wanting him to feel badly. I went off on him this morning, and when I got here I called to apologize.

I think so many of us do feel that we bear the weight of responsibility for other's happiness(eses). I think this is why my whole life I would rather all the bad things happen to me, because that hurts less than seeing people I care about hurting.

[Aliantha]

Do men not feel the same way women do when a relationship ends? No men have commented in this thread...is there a reason for that?

[lookout123]

I prefer to not think about ex's once they've become ex's. Sure they pop up in the memory but I don't put a lot of thought into them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them but if I was really concerned about them I'd have probably done more to ensure they didn't become ex's.

[glatt]

This is a thread about people you've dated who now have sucky lives and you feel bad for them. Nobody I dated went on to have a sucky life, as far as I know. But I didn't keep in touch, so who knows?

[Aliantha]

Originally Posted by lookout123

I prefer to not think about ex's once they've become ex's. Sure they pop up in the memory but I don't put a lot of thought into them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them but if I was really concerned about them I'd have probably done more to ensure they didn't become ex's.

I'm pretty sure I did all I could to keep the relationship going. I wasn't perfect, but I tried pretty damn hard.

[lookout123]

Well you're talking about something entirely different I guess. There are ex's and then there are EX's. I have many ex's and so far as I know they are all fine.

I have one EX who took me through hell and back. While I was bitter for quite awhile I let it go along time ago. She went through a lot of problems a few years back but I just shrugged and figured she deserved it. I'm not bitter, I just don't care.

[footfootfoot]

Take a trip back to the 80's:

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by lookout123

I prefer to not think about ex's once they've become ex's. Sure they pop up in the memory but I don't put a lot of thought into them. I don't want anything bad to happen to them but if I was really concerned about them I'd have probably done more to ensure they didn't become ex's.

It's not so black and white, though.

Also, not being into serial monogamy myself, the relationships I have had had real meaning, and you don't just one day say "eh, guess I never really loved him in the first place. Sayonara, sucker. NEXT." (Not saying YOU...just saying I see a lot of that.)

The most painful breakup is one in which you love the person, but there are reasons, that cannot be easily explained away, that the relationship falters.

[Clodfobble]

As a male, Mr. Clod has had some guilt in the past over an ex who was having a rough time of things. But it wasn't because he thought she would have been better off if they'd stayed together, it was more that he genuinely felt he had made her struggles (specifically psychological issues) worse. But ultimately she pulled herself out of it and got married and we never heard from her again, so I guess she's doing better now.

As for me, all the ex's that I still have any contact with are doing just fine, so there's nothing to feel bad about--but I do feel happy that they're doing well, it's more than indifference.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

Do men not feel the same way women do when a relationship ends? No men have commented in this thread...is there a reason for that?

I don't think much about my ex at all anymore unless there's something going on with our disabled adult son. We've been apart for sixteen years at this point, so most of the stuff is gone, but I did have a nice evening sitting out on the porch with her summer before last, drinking beer and and talking old times.

I don't really feel bad when she has problems, because I'm usually not aware of them, and because she's such a pain in the ass that I figure she usually brought it on herself