Funny Sex Stories (PG-13)

[Radar]

Radar, don't even think of coming here and starting your "I'm too big for her" baloney.

That was uncalled for. On another thread I discuss a real problem I'm having with my wife. I never said I was big, she did. I don't think I am. She just is in pain and I think it is mostly because I'm only the second guy she's ever had sex with, the other was a fairly small asian guy, and that was to years before we got married.

But as long as I'm posting I can put a couple of stories out there.

Preface: I like to do it in dangerous places where I might get caught.

1. Did it with a girl out in the snow and didn't want to pull out because it was warm inside and cold outside.

2. Did it with the same girl in the top of a busy stairwell of our business building and I had to cover her mouth to keep from getting caught.

3. When I was 17, I was at my girlfriends place watching tv with her on the couch. We had a blanket over us. Her parents were about 20-30 feet from us in another room. She reaches behind herself, rubs the lamp and the genie pops out. She slides it in and I bang the drum slowly as it were until we finish.

4. Same girl. I was in an honors calculus class at school and was working on a really hard problem. I went to sleep and when I woke up I was in the middle of having sex with her. I stopped and she said, "Why are you stopping?" so I finished. When we were finished I told her I had been sleeping and woke up during the act. She said that explained why I was acting strangely. She said when she came in I was talking in my sleep about a math forumula. I asked her if I said the answer! I've heard of sleep walking, but it was strange and slightly dangerous to know you can do that during your sleep too.

5. I was with the town doorknob once (everybody gets a turn) in the backseat of my car. I had just turned 19 and she was 16 or 17. We were totally naked and our clothes were in the front seat. All the sudden I see a flashlight banging on my window and it's the cops. Of course they want to fuck with me and ask for my ID. And I keep thinking, "Holy crap, she's under age. I'm toast". I suppose she had been in that situation before. She calmly told him she forgot her ID at home and had her fake birthdate memorized. Luckily he just told us to get dressed and go somewhere else.

6. Used to play a game in college where if someone could peel the label off a bud after drinking it, without tearing it even a little bit or leaving any label on the bottle, you could give it to someone at the party for sex. Like a coupon, but you couldn't soak the bottle, etc. If someone gave you the label, you would have to honor it. This was the first and last time I played this game. There was an ugly girl with a sort of raspy voice at the party and we started playing quarters. Everyone kept teaming up against me. This girl was amazing. She peeled sevel labels off like it was nothing. So the night has gone on for awhile and I am trashed. These kids were pros at quarters. I've never seen anything like it. they could hold the quarter in their mouth, drop it, and it would bounce in EVERY TIME. I pass out in the bedroom and the next day I wake up next to miss raspy voice begging me to move in with her. And then she says, "Don't leave, I've still got 4 more labels!!!" I ran home and took 5 showers and brushed my teeth until my gums were bleeding.


The last three are urban legends I've heard. My ex-wife told me this one happend to her friend. And later someone else told me the same story happened to their friend as all urban legends do.

This couple is getting ready for a little role playing fun. The wife is naked and has her arms and legs tied up spread eagle on the bed and the husband is in the closet wearing nothing but a batman hood and cape. He jumps out of the closet like a super hero and gets clipped right across his forehead and gets knocked out with his head bleeding on the floor. The woman can't call an ambulance because her hands are tied so she starts shouting for help. The neighbors hear it and call the cops. When the cops get there, they kick open the front door and ask if anyone is home. The woman says she is upstairs. The cops ask if she is alone, she says, "No, I'm not alone" so the cops draw their guns and burst into the bedroom to find the naked woman spread eagle on the bed and the unconscious husband bleeding and wearing nothing but his batman outfit.

Next...

This woman's friends and co-workers decide to throw her a surprise birthday party so they contact her sister who has a key and they setup the whole living room so when she walks in they can surprise her. They see her car pull up and get ready, but she goes through the back. They all wait for her to walk into the living room but she's in the kitchen for a long time. So they walk in to find her naked on her kitchen counter with peanut butter spread all over her cootch and the dog licking it. She moved away the next day never to be heard from or seen by them again.

Next...

These teenage kids decide to throw a party while their parents are out of town. And the house is crowded, kids are drinking and having sex and all that sort of fun. Then the boy whose parents are out of town is approached by one of his friends who tells him some girl upstairs is taking all comers....as it were....and there is a line of guys waiting to go in and have sex with her. So he goes upstairs and gets in line. Then he goes in and it's dark. He takes his clothes off and starts having sex with her and someone flips the light on and he's having sex with his sister.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by Radar


That was uncalled for. On another thread I discuss a real problem I'm having with my wife. I never said I was big, she did. I don't think I am. She just is in pain and I think it is mostly because I'm only the second guy she's ever had sex with, the other was a fairly small asian guy, and that was to years before we got married.

I think I know what the problem is. You really should have thought of this yourself. She ASIAN. that means it's sideways. you have to twist yourself around 90 degrees, and it should slide right in.

[Radar]

A Ha! You may be on to something!

When I married my first wife, my dad asked me if it was sideways. I said, "Yea dad. When I go down on her I just move my tongue from side to side."

Kind of a crude joke, but what can I say we're Irish and funny.

[dar512]

Originally posted by Elspode
BTW, I just learned last night that "dork" is the proper name for a whale penis.

Seriously. You could look it up.

Seems to be an UL. Mentioned here .

[Elspode]

Damn...I hate it when I get caught like that. I should have checked Snopes, I suppose.

[jaguar]

Christ, go radar.

In that case I may as well keep going.
Large house party one new years, booze provided. Around 200 people 16-20.
I'm not going into where I woke up but another guy work up between two girls, ran round the house telling everyone, then someone told him he got with a guy as well and he spent the next hour washing his mouth out, funny as hell to watch his expression change. Same do , 2 girls (bi) 'ganged up' on a 3rd in the middle of the living room, circle forms cheering them on. She was a church-going christian.

Ah what the hell, i woke up in the sauna, naked and spent half the morning in a towel trying o find my clothes. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't drown. At least 2 joints, well over a bottle of Moet&Chadon and aparantly 20 vodka jellies. I don't remember anything for an 8 hour period.

I miss those days.

[Radar]

Batman:

http://www.snopes.com/risque/kinky/hero.htm

Peanut Butter:

http://www.snopes.com/risque/bestial/peanutbt.htm

I couldn't find the one with the girl and her brother, but found others with a dad and daughter.

[headsplice]

No good stories myself (at least, not funny ones), but I was on a speech trip in high school when this happened:
After the second day of a long three-day tournament, the entire team is wired. Almost everyone we brought qualified for post-break rounds (rounds of sixteen, eight, etc. out of typically 50-60 competitors), so we were all wired and ready for trouble. hotel security came a couple of times (after curfew) and we ran from room to room trying to evade them (the rooms had multiple exits, so you could combine them into suites). After much tomfoolery, everyone retires. My friend and his g/f were watching TV as I passed out. Of course I didn't think too much of it, as they had done this before.
I woke up to her screaming his name in the middle of the night. Being 16 and unused to being awoken by an orgasmic female, I attempted to drift back to sleep. I did, but apparently rolled over shortly thereafter (asleep) and was told by the couple to go back to sleep, I was just having a dream.

[Dagney]

Dagney's mom called once while I was "doing it" with her.

We didn't answer, of course, but the comments I directed to her through the air were (I'm told) hilarious. I'll let her tell you what I said.

If I recall correctly....it was something dealing with what you were doing to a particular part of my anatomy at that particular time....and how my dear mother would have felt about that...

*snicker*

Because I KNOW you aren't talking about the "I can't, I'm too stupid" comment *cheesy grin*

[BrianR]

Originally posted by Dagney


Because I KNOW you aren't talking about the "I can't, I'm too stupid" comment *cheesy grin*

Denied. Never said it. Uh-uh. Nope. Didn't happen.

You imagine things in the throes of passion, m'dear!

Brian the Abashed

[Sun_Sparkz]

Skipped school one day with a BF when i was about 16, went back to my place and locked our selves in my room. all of a sudden we hear the front door open and my dad comes home unexpectedly for lunch, he walks right into my room and quick as lightening my BF jumps behind my bedroom door. so there i am in bed, my completely naked boyfriend is on one side of my bedroom door and my dad is on the other, both staring at me.

my dads all like" why are you home?"
"i felt sick, so i came home to bed"
"oh. has Michael been here?" (as he looks at shoes and clothes on the floor)
"oh yeah he was earlier, he got changed to go running with some mates"

there is NO WAY that he would have believed my story, but with a scowlin glook he shut my door and left the house (he didnt stay for lunch after all) i felt terrible, but now i can laugh.

shame!!

[Sun_Sparkz]

SAME GUY, his nan had just moved to a nursing home and her house was left vacant, being just young teens with no privacy we thought the place (to which he had cut keys) was a great place to go and get some alone time.

this one particular day, we were out the back in the sun room, without clothes and much sense at all, we looked up to notice three people in the backyard! the real esate agent trying to sell the place, and two possible buyers, we grabbed our stuff but we were too late,we were spotted and before we could run our little legs home the agent had already phoned Michaels mum and told her!!

double shame!!

[be-bop]

I have to come clean (pun intended) a few years ago when our kids were small my wife and i went out for a few beers or six as my mother had taken the kids to give us a break.
anyway my wife decided as it was a very warm summers night to have a shower and invited me to share!!!
A fun time was ongoing with all the shower gell etc getting all soapy and loved up and things were fast getting to the point of no return when one of us (I dont remember who) lost their footing and the next thing I knew was I had somersaulted through the shower screen ripping it from the wall,did another somersault,half tuck and pike sailed through the air and got wedged arse up between the toilet and the wall of the bathroom.
As you can guess the moment was ruined for me as all I could hear was the good lady laughing as I lay bleeding and wedged in the wreckage.

[phillybilly]

I used work down the shore in New Jersey every summer while I was in college.

I had a small place with a good friend of mine, so small that if you wanted to 'get some' you either had to do it on the floor in the SMALL living room...we had ONE chair...or in the bedroom, even with your buddy home, Being guys we didn't care!

So one night after a big group of us were out getting bombed this girl I'm seeing and I go back to my place...now my buddies passed out on his bottom bunk (YES we had bunk beds!) so as we proceed to do it, she asks me if I want some 'Butt" action, I tell her I'm fine, I don't like my butt played with. She said no, do I want to give it to her.....Well I had not done that till that point so I thought what the hell....

Now she's on top of me, so instead of me getting behind her, she just sits up a bit, shift and sits right back down on the captain! Well as she does this, she lets out this nasty wet fart as I go in to her!

WELL as if that wasn't funny enough, from the bottom bunk comes "better clean that up later" we were both laughing like mad.....but then continued with our night of debauchery! It was cool that she wasn't embarrased by it, which made me relaize she MIGHT have this sort of thing before...

Next day I explained what happned, he just thought I had tooted while up on the bunk......he was more interested in the AP than anything else, ah what a summer

Later>>>>>>>:

[Nerollss]

I was out backpacking in Yosemite last summer and I met up with this French couple at one of the routes where hikers can spend the night. At midnight, thinking that everyone were asleep, the couple tried to have sex. The guy was humping the girl and along came a bear. She started screaming and we all pretended to be asleep. She scared the bear away but not the French man for he continued humping not knowing what happened.

The following day, a group of college hikers were making some screaming sound to mimic the Frenchwoman's. The couple decided to finish the hike on their own.