Visiting Graves

monster · 10-02-2007, 08:49 PM

I was reading on another forum (scab!) about leaving a stone on a gravestone when you visit (and the various reasons and religious significances behind it) and thought "well I've never visited a grave" -I thought you were supposed to take flowers, but I probably wouldn't have done. I reckon if I had a grave to visit, I'd take gardening tools and an old toothbrush in case it needed tidying up.

But in fact, all my dead relatives have been cremated, and I've never had the urge to visit the memorial plaques. It's just not my thing. But I know it brings great comfort to some.

So....

Do you visit graves/memorials?
What do you do there and why? (if it's not too personal/painful)

orthodoc · 10-02-2007, 08:55 PM

Yep. I do it as part of religious observance on certain dates - after Pascha (Orthodox 'Easter'), for example. And for personal reasons. And when I had the chance to go to Scotland, I looked up the church and graveyard in the little town my family comes from.

I've heard of leaving pebbles on a gravestone but have never done it. Do you (or anyone else) know what the practice means?

xoxoxoBruce · 10-02-2007, 09:42 PM

I visit Pop's grave every time I'm up home. I might pull some grass around, or clear the snow off, the stone. The family takes care of flowers, seasonally.

Aliantha · 10-02-2007, 09:49 PM

My family has a plot at one of the local cemetaries. I sometimes go there with the kids and talk about the relatives that are buried there and what they meant to me or others in the family. We usually take a broom and sweep off the leaves and dust. Sometimes we take a hose and some soap. My Dad usually goes once a year and repaints the trims and stuff.

It doesn't mean much to me to visit a grave site. I don't hold any real significance to dust and old bones, but from a historical aspect, I think it's interesting for the kids (and me).

Cloud · 10-02-2007, 09:58 PM

The only grave I'd visit (so far) would be my parents' graves, and they are buried in Kentucky, far, far away. If I had a chance to go there, I'd definitely visit. (Both parents died in Mexico and I attended their funerals, but much later they were re-buried in the States. Long story.)

I've never heard of leaving pebbles on the grave, though, that's interesting.

monster · 10-02-2007, 10:21 PM

most of the reasons people gve were for not leaving dead things (like cut flowers) there -stones are eternal

Crimson Ghost · 10-02-2007, 10:24 PM

I believe the pebbles are a Jewish custom.
A Jewish brother of my lodge passed, and his relatives places small stones on the gravestone.
I inquired of one of them the meaning at a later time, and was told that it meant "I remember you.", or something along those lines.
The movies "Schindler's List" and "Bullet" (with Mickey Rourke) both have this tradition.
Perhaps a cellarite who's more acquainted with Jewish tradition could explain it better........

steambender · 10-02-2007, 10:25 PM

Leaving small memorial stones is traditional for Jews. I have several generations of family on both sides in local cemeteries, and fathers parents are buried in the jewish section of the large and quite beautiful city cemetery. you can tell who gets regular family visits from the collection of small stones on the headstones. I collect interesting little stones when I travel, and try to remember to take them when I visit his grave. he's buried with my mother's family in a beautiful little country cemetery that goes back to before the civil war, and is a great place for summer picnics.

My eldest brother married into the jewish faith, and when he was buried in the national cemetery outside Dallas, I got one of the empty shell casings from the honor guard and put that on his headstone a year later. If I don't bring anything special, I'll look around and find a small stone. It's a remembrance.

Ibby · 10-02-2007, 10:32 PM

Oscar Wilde, Jim Morrison, both grandfathers, at least three of Robert Johnson's....

Urbane Guerrilla · 10-03-2007, 12:46 AM

As I understand this, it's symbolic of maintaining a cairn of rocks on a desert burial, where weathering and critters may derange, and is a tending of the gravesite. Performing this is accounted a mitzvah. Doing this for, or with, one's Jewish friends without making any big deal of it will show your suavity and culture.

lumberjim · 10-03-2007, 01:31 AM

At this point in my life, I've not lost anyone close enough to me that I would feel compelled to visit with. I wonder whether I will visit my parents' graves after they die....... I tend to be self involved and apathetic by nature.....At any rate, I hope it is a good long time until I find out.

Aliantha · 10-03-2007, 01:48 AM

If you're lucky it will be. Losing your parents can only be second to losing a child.

10-03-2007, 01:51 AM

Nope, this is a shell. The ego is a construct and illusion.
The only thing that lasts are memories and how they affect us.
I carry those with me.

TheMercenary · 10-03-2007, 05:52 AM

Graves and gravestones are for the living. I don't go. Lost a sister to breast Ca when she was 32. I have not been back to visit the grave. My dad died and he is in an urn in my moms closet. I don't visit her closet either. I just doesn't mean much to me. Our bodies are but a shell for our soul or lifeforce. When the body is done, that is it. Discard the shell and move on.

LabRat · 10-03-2007, 09:20 AM

My dad died 10 years ago, and his gravesite is in my hometown, a 60 min drive away. I have been to the gravesite maybe 8 or 10 times. When I go, it's when I feel like I need to go somewhere to cry in peace, to let it all out, without worry of someone interrupting me. I went more frequently after the fact, and actually think the last time was when I took my daughter there to show her where my dad was after another family death brought up the subject. Maybe 1.5-2 years ago?

On one of the first visits after the headstone was in place, I took a stone from around it, and carried it in my purse. Some time later, I put the stone in my jewlery box, and I think its still there.

I want to be cremated and scattered. My husband is against this, but I can't stand the idea of my body being preserved and put in a box to take up space until someone wants the land for something else. Since I don't want to deny him or my daughter of a place to do what I do at my dad's site, I likely will still purchase a lot, and have a headstone if I can, but just no body there. Maybe just scatter the ashes there...I haven't really thought that far. I just know I don't want my body in a frigging box.

10-02-2007, 08:49 PM	#1
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Visiting Graves I was reading on another forum (scab!) about leaving a stone on a gravestone when you visit (and the various reasons and religious significances behind it) and thought "well I've never visited a grave" -I thought you were supposed to take flowers, but I probably wouldn't have done. I reckon if I had a grave to visit, I'd take gardening tools and an old toothbrush in case it needed tidying up. But in fact, all my dead relatives have been cremated, and I've never had the urge to visit the memorial plaques. It's just not my thing. But I know it brings great comfort to some. So.... Do you visit graves/memorials? What do you do there and why? (if it's not too personal/painful) __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-02-2007, 08:55 PM	#2
orthodoc Not Suspicious, Merely Canadian Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,774	Yep. I do it as part of religious observance on certain dates - after Pascha (Orthodox 'Easter'), for example. And for personal reasons. And when I had the chance to go to Scotland, I looked up the church and graveyard in the little town my family comes from. I've heard of leaving pebbles on a gravestone but have never done it. Do you (or anyone else) know what the practice means? __________________ The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. - Ghandi

10-02-2007, 09:49 PM	#4
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	My family has a plot at one of the local cemetaries. I sometimes go there with the kids and talk about the relatives that are buried there and what they meant to me or others in the family. We usually take a broom and sweep off the leaves and dust. Sometimes we take a hose and some soap. My Dad usually goes once a year and repaints the trims and stuff. It doesn't mean much to me to visit a grave site. I don't hold any real significance to dust and old bones, but from a historical aspect, I think it's interesting for the kids (and me). __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

10-02-2007, 09:58 PM	#5
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	The only grave I'd visit (so far) would be my parents' graves, and they are buried in Kentucky, far, far away. If I had a chance to go there, I'd definitely visit. (Both parents died in Mexico and I attended their funerals, but much later they were re-buried in the States. Long story.) I've never heard of leaving pebbles on the grave, though, that's interesting. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

10-02-2007, 10:21 PM	#6
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	most of the reasons people gve were for not leaving dead things (like cut flowers) there -stones are eternal __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-02-2007, 09:42 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	I visit Pop's grave every time I'm up home. I might pull some grass around, or clear the snow off, the stone. The family takes care of flowers, seasonally.

10-02-2007, 10:24 PM	#7
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	I believe the pebbles are a Jewish custom. A Jewish brother of my lodge passed, and his relatives places small stones on the gravestone. I inquired of one of them the meaning at a later time, and was told that it meant "I remember you.", or something along those lines. The movies "Schindler's List" and "Bullet" (with Mickey Rourke) both have this tradition. Perhaps a cellarite who's more acquainted with Jewish tradition could explain it better........ __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

10-02-2007, 10:25 PM	#8
steambender It just needs a minor tweak...here... Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: kitty corner from where I grew up Posts: 48	Leaving small memorial stones is traditional for Jews. I have several generations of family on both sides in local cemeteries, and fathers parents are buried in the jewish section of the large and quite beautiful city cemetery. you can tell who gets regular family visits from the collection of small stones on the headstones. I collect interesting little stones when I travel, and try to remember to take them when I visit his grave. he's buried with my mother's family in a beautiful little country cemetery that goes back to before the civil war, and is a great place for summer picnics. My eldest brother married into the jewish faith, and when he was buried in the national cemetery outside Dallas, I got one of the empty shell casings from the honor guard and put that on his headstone a year later. If I don't bring anything special, I'll look around and find a small stone. It's a remembrance.

10-02-2007, 10:32 PM	#9
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	Oscar Wilde, Jim Morrison, both grandfathers, at least three of Robert Johnson's.... __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

10-03-2007, 12:46 AM	#10
Urbane Guerrilla Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Southern California Posts: 6,674	As I understand this, it's symbolic of maintaining a cairn of rocks on a desert burial, where weathering and critters may derange, and is a tending of the gravesite. Performing this is accounted a mitzvah. Doing this for, or with, one's Jewish friends without making any big deal of it will show your suavity and culture. __________________ Wanna stop school shootings? End Gun-Free Zones, of course.

10-03-2007, 01:31 AM	#11
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	At this point in my life, I've not lost anyone close enough to me that I would feel compelled to visit with. I wonder whether I will visit my parents' graves after they die....... I tend to be self involved and apathetic by nature.....At any rate, I hope it is a good long time until I find out. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-03-2007, 01:48 AM	#12
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	If you're lucky it will be. Losing your parents can only be second to losing a child. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

10-03-2007, 01:51 AM	#13
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Nope, this is a shell. The ego is a construct and illusion. The only thing that lasts are memories and how they affect us. I carry those with me.

10-03-2007, 05:52 AM	#14
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Graves and gravestones are for the living. I don't go. Lost a sister to breast Ca when she was 32. I have not been back to visit the grave. My dad died and he is in an urn in my moms closet. I don't visit her closet either. I just doesn't mean much to me. Our bodies are but a shell for our soul or lifeforce. When the body is done, that is it. Discard the shell and move on. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

10-03-2007, 09:20 AM	#15
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	My dad died 10 years ago, and his gravesite is in my hometown, a 60 min drive away. I have been to the gravesite maybe 8 or 10 times. When I go, it's when I feel like I need to go somewhere to cry in peace, to let it all out, without worry of someone interrupting me. I went more frequently after the fact, and actually think the last time was when I took my daughter there to show her where my dad was after another family death brought up the subject. Maybe 1.5-2 years ago? On one of the first visits after the headstone was in place, I took a stone from around it, and carried it in my purse. Some time later, I put the stone in my jewlery box, and I think its still there. I want to be cremated and scattered. My husband is against this, but I can't stand the idea of my body being preserved and put in a box to take up space until someone wants the land for something else. Since I don't want to deny him or my daughter of a place to do what I do at my dad's site, I likely will still purchase a lot, and have a headstone if I can, but just no body there. Maybe just scatter the ashes there...I haven't really thought that far. I just know I don't want my body in a frigging box. __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within. Last edited by LabRat; 10-03-2007 at 09:22 AM. Reason: cremated, not creamated, LOL.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)