Be a post whore!

[Queen of the Ryche]

Sounds yummy Ali!

I totally missed the fact that I'd reached 1,000 posts! Yea me!

[Aliantha]

I just think you all should know that the crop of crimson grapes this season over here is the best ever. They're sweet and firm and just a burst of flavour sensation in your mouth. You should all be jealous you're not eating what I'm eating.

[kerosene]

I am so jealous!

[Aliantha]

Well, maybe next autumn you will have some good ones too.

[DanaC]

Last week, I made microwave popcorn (butter flavour).

Now every time I use my microwave I can smell the fakey butter smell.

[monster]

I'm procrastinating and I'm bored. post more stuff.

that is all

[classicman]

come over to the "darkside" monnie - delve into the politics forum

[monster]

sheesh, do i have to do everything myself....


"more stuff"



:p

[Sundae]

Mum dropped a horrid bombshell the other day.

My CPN Heidi was coming round, and five minutes before she was due to arrive, Mum started saying, "You have to ask her about moving out..." and went on to say the things I should tell Heidi. That she never intended to be my carer, that she was getting no support, that she didn't get paid for it, she was a pensioner and already had her father to look after and that I needed a place of my own, that it was driving a wedge between us.

Knocked me on my arse I have to tell you.
When Heidi arrived I was struggling not to cry. Luckily she just accepted it was a bad day and we got through the appointment. She also followed up on a couple of things for me like getting Mum a carer's assessment and getting the welfare team on my case to see if I am claiming what I am entitled to.

Mum later backtracked, saying that it wasn't necessarily how she felt, she was just suggesting what I should say so that I could get a place of my own. That was no real consolation, it was the first time she'd given me any indication she wanted me out and it was all said in a very brutal way. Even afterwards, when I explained that if she technically threw me out (to enable me to get housing) I would initially only be housed in a room, as there is a shortage of affordable housing. Mum said, "Well that would be a start, you could always have an "episode" and get yourself moved up the list." I said, "Mum, if I end up living in a room, the way things are at the moment, I wouldn't have the pretend to have an episode." She backed off a bit then. I think she honestly forgets sometimes that I'm having a tough time. I strongly suspect that if I was moved into a welfare B&B, on my own - without Diz for a start - I'd be drinking within 48 hours. Pessimistic, but realistic.

Anyway.
The Council's new system for applying for housing went live online on Thursday. I put my application in for 3 properties. I am in the lowest band priority, "no assessed housing need". One property received 47 applications, the others 60 and 75. Feedback will be posted over the next couple of weeks to say what band the people being offered housing fell into. I suspect it will not be Band D. Okay, so unless I can get a doctor to assess me as being in need of housing, we will have to go down the route of me being made homeless.

There is an alternative, which I looked into today.
I can rent from a private landlord and get my rent paid for me, up to a maximum amount - and the smaller 1 bedroom flats in this area fall into that budget. But it would rely on someone (probably Grandad, who has offered) paying the administration charge, the set-up fee and the desposit. About £1000 all told. And my bro would have to be a guarantor - they have to be a current wage earner.

Mum seems to think that might be more feasible, and after all, some of the places available are very close to here, although that seems to be less of a concern to her.

I've put this in post whore because I don't know how I feel about it.
The idea of moving out and being responsible for myself is terrifying.
For example last night I couldn't sleep. More than usual I mean - I was crying until 03.30. In the end I got up at 04.30 and went to watch the sun come up on a local bridge. I'd have taken pics but my battery ran out (doh!) Even then I couldn't stop crying and had to sit and read in a little park until 06.00.

I couldn't handle that if I was on my own. It's the routine here that is keeping me on track, sober and to a normal schedule.

But on the other hand, Mum is definitely behind a lot of the problems I have.
she's uber-stressed at the moment and it's all coming out. Nothing Dad can do is right and she's so angry all the time. She snaps and snarls and bites.
I said - sadly - to my brother the other day that if she was a dog you would have to muzzle her, because you'd be terrified.
Living with her is never going to help me be a fully functioning member of society again. I spend half the time with my earplugs in and the other half in a rage myself.

So a place of my own would be wonderful.
I could be an adult again.
I'd be away from Mum's negativity and spite.

But I'd be reliant on more benefits.
I'd be away from the only people who really love me.
I might fail.
And after all, all the sheer hassle of getting a place, paperwork, moving etc fills me with bleak despair.

Am hoping a good night's sleep - please! - might help me feel calmer tomorrow.

[Clodfobble]

Sorry things are so tough right now, SG. I know you'll make it work one way or another, you're a strong lady.

[DanaC]

Oh honey. Difficult time. Getting a private flat sounds a good idea to me; especially if you are fairly local to your mum and dad. The increased reliance on benefits....well, yeah, but we all have to rely on something. Right now your job is rebuilding the confident you that'll eventually not be on benefits. Try not to future pace the move too much. When you start thinking about everything that's involved try and rein it back to just the next steps. The you that's there in x weeks time would be the one to deal with all that. All you have to take care of are the steps right ahead of you. And that includes if the next step is to not move yet.

You'll rise to it, when you need to.

I'm a phone call away if you ever need a chat/shoulder/soundingboard.

[ZenGum]

I've been keeping my mouth shut about this but here goes: I think you would be better off not living with your parents. True they are providing some structure, but also a lot of tension, negativity, undermining:
"when you drink it makes us not like you".
"here's five minutes notice to tell your CPN that we want you out"
etc etc.
These are just the examples that spring to mind. There have been plenty more.
The relief of getting your OWN SPACE will be enormous. I think you've gotten so used to this environment that you don't realise how much it is harming you.

Yes, getting a new place will be a hassle. You CAN budget and stick to a budget, you've shown that. You've shown you can work, although the job market right now is probably tight. While I disapprove of your parent's way of raising the subject, I think gently easing you into your own place is the thing to do. And for that, I think your friends can help.
So, where was that other thread? Oh yeah, http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=20400

[Trilby]

sundae - you know how much I admire you and how you inspire me to do better with lots of things, drinking being one of them. YOU have DISIPLINE! I admire that. I will help any way that I can. I agree with Zen here. Getting your own space will be lovely and then you can go visit your folks on YOUR terms.

[DanaC]

Was a good thing to step back to the family home for a little while Cherry. Did you good. But you've outgrown them again (imo) and seem ready, even if you don't necessarily feel it right now, to re-establish yourself in the world.

But don;t put yourself under mad pressure either. You'll get out from under it in your own time. You're already moving forward whether you realise it or not. Be kind to yourself. You're doing brilliantly.

[classicman]

I'm not sure how or if I should say this, so I'll just be blunt. Weren't you in a very similar situation before you went to live with your guy friend. The one that was going to help you and pay rent till you got back on your feet? then you went to 2 (I think) other places after that before moving in with your parents. Granted he was an idiot.
Perhaps all you need is a place of your own without roomies. If so do not read anymore of this post.

Perhaps your mother is right. I don't know - All I have to go on is what has been posted here. Perhaps your mum, has a real poor communication style, but the biggest heart in the world.
Perhaps she was only trying to help you get a little more cash each month to offset the bills.

Mum later backtracked, saying that it wasn't necessarily how she felt, she was just suggesting what I should say so that I could get a place of my own.

If you stop here and take out the inferred part that you wrote after this, I agree with her. If your goal is to eventually get a job, a place of your own and to become self sufficient...I think she is spot on.
There is no doubt that your mom loves you! Look at all the pics and the video you've posted here. Remember the christmas carol or more recently the walk you all just took? The video of your parents home... there are many. She only wants the best for you and you know that.

As far as the "situation" at home... Hell my parents have been married over 50 years and they "argue" all the time. Part of what you may be seeing while living there is reality, not the fantasy world we all hope exists. People are flawed creatures - all of us. So your parents bitch and complain - they're entitled. I think you may take it a lot harder than they do. Shit, they may not even see it that way.

I think she honestly forgets sometimes that I'm having a tough time.

She really cannot understand - you'll have to remind her repeatedly 5, 10, 15 times a day - till she gets it. Just go up to her and just give her a hug and tell her "I love you, thanks for everything you & dad are doing for me."

I strongly suspect that if I was moved into a welfare B&B, on my own - without Diz for a start - I'd be drinking within 48 hours. Pessimistic, but realistic.

maybe not 48 hours, but I agree with you, you need more time. You are making great progress, do not lose sight of that.
For all that you can do and the talents, intellect, experience you have.... you also have a disease and you are not in control of it yet.
Please know that I am trying to help. I think I may have more than worn out my welcome on this, I'll shut up now.