Funny Sex Stories (PG-13)

lumberjim · 03-20-2004, 09:25 AM

I don't see a lot of sex related threads in the cellar. Maybe because everyone is so polite, or maybe we don't want to open that can of worms..(you know i just love canned worms)..but, without being too graphic, or obscene, I'd like to hear some funny or embarrassing tales from the budoir. or the park, or your car, or the elevator stopped between floors.

What's the funniest thing that has happened to you when you were trying to "do it"?

Where's the wierdest place or situation you've ever "done it" in?

PG-13

blue · 03-20-2004, 01:35 PM

I'm holding out for the R thread.

jaguar · 03-20-2004, 02:00 PM

Tis like an icy lake, noone wants to jump in first. If noone bites in a couple of hours I might.

lumberjim · 03-20-2004, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blue58
I'm holding out for the R thread.

blue, keep in mind that this is a non-fiction thread. you'll have to have sex first.......with a partner.

Elspode · 03-20-2004, 02:14 PM

When I was in high school, it was extremely difficult to find a suitable location for a bit of the old in-out, in-out, and so my trusty '66 Chevy Biscayne become my trysting spot of choice. Even so, one must have a place to park the portable boudoir, and the place I liked was back in a semi-inaccessible area of our local park, down a much-overgrown but still easily passable road which crossed through a low water crossing of the meandering river, and back into dense woods.

It was rather secluded, even romantic, and fairly secure...fairly being the operative phrase here. One afternoon, my girlfriend and I were, shall we say, "in the clinch" in the backseat, free from care of discovery in our green and shady parking spot, when suddenly there arose the unmistakable noise of dirt bikes. Within moments, the car was surrounded by four of the sputtering, smoking monstrosities, ridden by helmeted and unrecognizable youths. There was little we could to conceal ourselves (or our identities, unfortunately, as it turned out), so we just sort of waved and waited for the catcalling and hooting to subside, which it did in a politely short amount of time.

We laughed about it all, and the incident didn't really diminish the experience much, if you get my drift.

A few days later, back at school, while standing at the gym door, waiting for the bell to ring for release to the next class, a guy I knew slightly walked up to me.

"Do you drive a red Chevy?"

"Yes, I do. Why do you ask?"

"Do you ever go to O'Donnell Park?"

"Yeah, I go there all the time...I live right next to it."

"Well, my buddy was out riding motorcycles the other day..."

My girl and I were the butt of numerous good-natured jibes during the next couple of weeks, but actually, I think they were more along the lines of jealous good-natured jibes because, after all, we were both getting some.

Okay, I've broken the ice. Next!

blue · 03-20-2004, 02:17 PM

There was a thread like this on somethingawful once, it was hilarious. But this thread really got me thinking, I was going to contribute...I've had hot, wild, pass out mind blowing sex, but I cannot think of one instance I've had funny sex.

blue · 03-20-2004, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lumberjim

blue, keep in mind that this is a non-fiction thread. you'll have to have sex first.......with a partner.

Uh, for some reason YOUR funny sex stories aren't showing up for me?

BrianR · 03-20-2004, 02:40 PM

Dagney's mom called once while I was "doing it" with her.

We didn't answer, of course, but the comments I directed to her through the air were (I'm told) hilarious. I'll let her tell you what I said.

Brian

lumberjim · 03-20-2004, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by blue58

Uh, for some reason YOUR funny sex stories aren't showing up for me?

I dont have any funny ones. i was hoping some other people might, or that thread drift would lead to other areas, actually.

I've had the cop knock on the glass of my old vw rabbit, and ask my girlfriend if she was there against her will, as im sure most of us have, and i've launched jinx across the room a time or two when i tried to go in the "wrong door" by accident, but nothing really funny. I've only had 4 partners in my life though, so i'll rely on sluts like NbN, and Jag to fill this thread with lots of porny goodness.

jaguar · 03-20-2004, 03:47 PM

I thought you wanted to keep this PG-13.
A decision needs to be made here.

[EDIT]
I just realised I didn't deny I'm a slut, odd.
[/EDIT]

lumberjim · 03-20-2004, 03:50 PM

well, pg-13 didnt go over so well, so i say fuck it. fuck it with a big red rubber dick. slowly, in a circular motion. with lots of moaning and groaning.

and some ass beads

limey · 03-20-2004, 03:57 PM

I was 16 and my mum was away for the weekend so the boyrfriend and I were making use of the opportunity. The foot of my bed pointed towards the bedroom door.
A family friend who had a key let himself into the house and called "Anyone home?!" - we kept quiet, but I never told my boyfriend that over his shoulder I had seen the family friend silently open the bedroom door, see us

and just as silently back out and shut the door ....

Clodfobble · 03-20-2004, 04:44 PM

When LJ mentioned "wrong door" antics, it reminded me of something funny (from anyone's perspective but mine...)

The first and only time I attempted wrong door interaction, my boyfriend and I were in the shower, standing. It was not pleasant, and was in fact extremely the opposite, but I put up with it for a few minutes because, hey, I like doing stuff for other people. But after awhile I just couldn't take it, so we stopped.

Months later we were talking about our "firsts," and how old we were when they happened. I mentioned that he had been my first guest in the wrong door, and he was totally caught off guard--not by HIS recollection he wasn't. I reminded him of the time, and he remembered being there and all--BUT HE HAD HAD NO IDEA AT THE TIME that he was in that particular orifice. He'd thought at the time I wanted to stop just because, or we were running late, something.

So I endured quite a lot of pain purely for his pleasure, and he wasn't even aware enough to appreciate it.

blue · 03-20-2004, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by jaguar
I thought you wanted to keep this PG-13.
A decision needs to be made here.

[EDIT]
I just realised I didn't deny I'm a slut, odd.
[/EDIT]

I'm not so shocked by you being a slut as I am by the fact that you're a woman?!

There, I said "you're", thats like two in a row for me now with correct usage.

staceyv · 03-20-2004, 07:45 PM

okay, when i was in high school my best friend and i used to go over my boyfriend's house and smoke weed all the time after school. at one point, she was dating one of my boyfriend's friends. so, the four of us were there. my boyfriend and i were in the bedroom and my girlfriend and the other guy were in the living room. we put the telephone on intercom and we were using it to chat with each other in different rooms. anyway, we left it on and my boyfriend and i started having sex (and i guess the other two were making out) we were very high that day. anyway,in the middle of having sex, he slipped and went up the wrong hole really fast and it made a huge farting sound and his friend and my friend heard it over the intercom. we were laughing for hours.

03-20-2004, 09:25 AM	#1
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Funny Sex Stories (PG-13) I don't see a lot of sex related threads in the cellar. Maybe because everyone is so polite, or maybe we don't want to open that can of worms..(you know i just love canned worms)..but, without being too graphic, or obscene, I'd like to hear some funny or embarrassing tales from the budoir. or the park, or your car, or the elevator stopped between floors. What's the funniest thing that has happened to you when you were trying to "do it"? Where's the wierdest place or situation you've ever "done it" in? PG-13 __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan Last edited by lumberjim; 03-20-2004 at 10:31 AM.

03-20-2004, 01:35 PM	#2
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	I'm holding out for the R thread. __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

03-20-2004, 02:00 PM	#3
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	Tis like an icy lake, noone wants to jump in first. If noone bites in a couple of hours I might. __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

03-20-2004, 02:14 PM	#5
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	When I was in high school, it was extremely difficult to find a suitable location for a bit of the old in-out, in-out, and so my trusty '66 Chevy Biscayne become my trysting spot of choice. Even so, one must have a place to park the portable boudoir, and the place I liked was back in a semi-inaccessible area of our local park, down a much-overgrown but still easily passable road which crossed through a low water crossing of the meandering river, and back into dense woods. It was rather secluded, even romantic, and fairly secure...fairly being the operative phrase here. One afternoon, my girlfriend and I were, shall we say, "in the clinch" in the backseat, free from care of discovery in our green and shady parking spot, when suddenly there arose the unmistakable noise of dirt bikes. Within moments, the car was surrounded by four of the sputtering, smoking monstrosities, ridden by helmeted and unrecognizable youths. There was little we could to conceal ourselves (or our identities, unfortunately, as it turned out), so we just sort of waved and waited for the catcalling and hooting to subside, which it did in a politely short amount of time. We laughed about it all, and the incident didn't really diminish the experience much, if you get my drift. A few days later, back at school, while standing at the gym door, waiting for the bell to ring for release to the next class, a guy I knew slightly walked up to me. "Do you drive a red Chevy?" "Yes, I do. Why do you ask?" "Do you ever go to O'Donnell Park?" "Yeah, I go there all the time...I live right next to it." "Well, my buddy was out riding motorcycles the other day..." My girl and I were the butt of numerous good-natured jibes during the next couple of weeks, but actually, I think they were more along the lines of jealous good-natured jibes because, after all, we were both getting some. Okay, I've broken the ice. Next! __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

03-20-2004, 02:17 PM	#6
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	There was a thread like this on somethingawful once, it was hilarious. But this thread really got me thinking, I was going to contribute...I've had hot, wild, pass out mind blowing sex, but I cannot think of one instance I've had funny sex. __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

03-20-2004, 02:40 PM	#8
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Dagney's mom called once while I was "doing it" with her. We didn't answer, of course, but the comments I directed to her through the air were (I'm told) hilarious. I'll let her tell you what I said. Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

03-20-2004, 03:47 PM	#10
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	I thought you wanted to keep this PG-13. A decision needs to be made here. [EDIT] I just realised I didn't deny I'm a slut, odd. [/EDIT] __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

03-20-2004, 03:50 PM	#11
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	well, pg-13 didnt go over so well, so i say fuck it. fuck it with a big red rubber dick. slowly, in a circular motion. with lots of moaning and groaning. and some ass beads __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-20-2004, 03:57 PM	#12
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	I was 16 and my mum was away for the weekend so the boyrfriend and I were making use of the opportunity. The foot of my bed pointed towards the bedroom door. A family friend who had a key let himself into the house and called "Anyone home?!" - we kept quiet, but I never told my boyfriend that over his shoulder I had seen the family friend silently open the bedroom door, see us and just as silently back out and shut the door .... __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

03-20-2004, 04:44 PM	#13
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	When LJ mentioned "wrong door" antics, it reminded me of something funny (from anyone's perspective but mine...) The first and only time I attempted wrong door interaction, my boyfriend and I were in the shower, standing. It was not pleasant, and was in fact extremely the opposite, but I put up with it for a few minutes because, hey, I like doing stuff for other people. But after awhile I just couldn't take it, so we stopped. Months later we were talking about our "firsts," and how old we were when they happened. I mentioned that he had been my first guest in the wrong door, and he was totally caught off guard--not by HIS recollection he wasn't. I reminded him of the time, and he remembered being there and all--BUT HE HAD HAD NO IDEA AT THE TIME that he was in that particular orifice. He'd thought at the time I wanted to stop just because, or we were running late, something. So I endured quite a lot of pain purely for his pleasure, and he wasn't even aware enough to appreciate it.

03-20-2004, 07:45 PM	#15
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	okay, when i was in high school my best friend and i used to go over my boyfriend's house and smoke weed all the time after school. at one point, she was dating one of my boyfriend's friends. so, the four of us were there. my boyfriend and i were in the bedroom and my girlfriend and the other guy were in the living room. we put the telephone on intercom and we were using it to chat with each other in different rooms. anyway, we left it on and my boyfriend and i started having sex (and i guess the other two were making out) we were very high that day. anyway,in the middle of having sex, he slipped and went up the wrong hole really fast and it made a huge farting sound and his friend and my friend heard it over the intercom. we were laughing for hours.

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)