The worst question summary ever...

[it]

...

[Clodfobble]

Here's the problem, dude. Everyone feels differently about these experiences in their lives.

My brother and I lived the exact same experience (not the same as yours, I'm saying the same as each other) with our dad and stepdad. Yet somehow he came out of it unable to cope with or identify with my dad in any way, but fairly-to-completely indifferent to my stepdad even though I watched the man abuse him on countless occasions. Meanwhile I love my dad--he has his faults but they are Crotchety Old Man faults that amuse more than irritate--and have cut my stepdad out of my life completely.

No one can predict for you how this boy will feel. And how he feels now might be different from how he feels a few years from now, or as an adult. My personal instinct would be to leave well enough alone, if for no other reason than contacting him is guaranteed to royally piss off his mother, and that will lead to conflict, which will have a negative affect on him regardless of who is right.

[it]

I'd hardly consider the current situation "well enough" by any stretch, knowingly not for me, probably not for him, even though with kids "Well enough" is a bar that kind of adapts to wherever they stand, bad situations still ends up sinking in and biting them later down the line.

It could lead to a conflict, but it would be very a short one - there isn't much room for back and forth here, if she'll want to block me she very easily can. But he'll still come out of it knowing things that - depending on what's left of his memory of me - might be very important for him to know <- that is sort of the central question actually, how he'd feel about the emotional message, what it would mean to him.

The alternative is what I originally intended to do in the long term - finish my immigration process and aiding financially, which honestly probably wouldn't do much in regards to her giving a shit but some of it might actually end up improving his life anyway, and then trying to contact him when he's a legal adult, and finding how he feels then... But I get to do that anyway, regardless of this.

[it]

To be frank I am not interested in an ethical debates about whether I have a right to do it or should - people can say their stance on that and I expect they will - but given that the experiences from this have been the biggest factors in shaping my values to date, a simple value judgement against it is not going to be particularly meaningful to me - it would inherently be as divorced from my value system as a Muslim preaching honor killing.

What I am interested in is the very question I am asking - putting yourself in his position - how would you feel? I know it's not going to be a 101 depiction of his feelings and I don't expect it to be, but it can give me ideas - I know how I've experienced his void - I want to grasp how he might experienced mine.

[Clodfobble]

As a ten-year-old, I would remember very little, if anything, about someone I hadn't seen since I was six. That would be my experience.

[sexobon]

I concur. At that age, 4 years would seem like an eternity and time erases memories. Someone from my ancient past now contacting me without going through my mother would be alarming, Mr. Stranger Danger!

[Undertoad]

You say you love me but you were not around for 90% of my cognitive life and I'm now an entirely different child. My memory of you is extremely different from what you are now. If you were dad I may feel that you have some level of authority over me that I am not supposed to deny, and yet I know you should not, and this is very confusing. It kind of rekindles the time when we had a relationship of some sort, and then you went away, and I did not have the development to comprehend that, and that was very bad for me.

Now everything feels weird. My first, second, and third reaction is where's mom? She will help me understand how to feel about this, and her very first reaction will be the biggest emotional guidance I get. If she reacts negatively, this will now be a little frightening, and will be memorable, as a slightly confusing and emotionally troubling incident. It recalls the instability I had when I was 6, which are feelings I never want to have again. It may even color my future relationships with the opposite sex, as I learn to expect a "normal" that is filled with strange instability and men who come and go (you're not the only one!) and people having weird emotional reactions around me and demanding weird emotional reactions back that I don't have.

That seems like something a professed parent should not do to me. On the other hand, perhaps I am just old enough to start experimenting with rebelling against mom, and what a fine tool this would be in my arsenal. It won't help my development to freak her out, but I may experience it as fun! Yay for unstable relationships.

To be frank I am not interested in an ethical debates about whether I have a right to do it or should

I think you lose that one immediately and it's over and it's hard for you to handle that. But it sets up red flags for me. Your own emotional condition is the only one that matters here. The 10 year old, well it may go ok for him or may go horribly wrong, but he doesn't get a say, because it's way more important for you to resolve YOUR emotions.

Something which this event will surely not accomplish, by the way.

I want to grasp how he might experienced [my void].

Dude. It's a very complicated emotional reaction and he was 6 years old. This is all about you.

finish my immigration process

How would a legal restraining order affect that process? I don't know the law, but I would expect you can get one for contacting a 10-year-old without parental consent.

[Clodfobble]

For the record, it would appear that you have now been obsessing over this ex and her child for longer than you were actually in their lives.

[it]

Judgement aside - The scary part Undertoad - is that the way you've expressed in the past a childhood of looking to see how your mom feels first - is a dynamic I could easily see developing. He developed very early on an extreme sensitivity to the emotional tapestry around him, and she has a very strong tendency to assert for others how they feel. It would be a very likely way for her to negotiate his emotions for the time after I left, probably establishing that dynamic as a direct result.

On the other hand, it's been 4 years for her as well. Maybe... I don't know.

[sexobon]

Primum non nocere

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by traceur

Judgement aside - The scary part Undertoad - is that the way you've expressed in the past a childhood of looking to see how your mom feels first - is a dynamic I could easily see developing. He developed very early on an extreme sensitivity to the emotional tapestry around him, and she has a very strong tendency to assert for others how they feel. It would be a very likely way for her to negotiate his emotions for the time after I left, probably establishing that dynamic as a direct result.

No, the scary part is that you don't understand that this is how all children work, inherently. Occasionally they give equal thought to dad during the early years--more likely if they are girls--and maybe as they become teens that dynamic with mom FADES, but for any child younger than that it is the default from day one, not something that might develop.

[Undertoad]

Yeah yeah. It's actually not scary at all because this is not manipulation on her part. This is standard childhood learning of how emotional reactions work, and how and when to regulate emotions and etc.

J'ever see a kid fall and scrape his/her knee on the sidewalk, and then have a 1-mississippi count to decide whether to cry? If mom rushes over and presents all sorts of worry, then the tears flow - otherwise crying may be a waste, and the kid may sense, well, I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with this pain in some other way.

But it's productive emotions - we may say there is no sense ever crying over a tiny injury, but if the kid never has emotions, never gets any emotional connection, never sees caring, he may be dealing with horrible psychological roadblocks his entire life.

[Undertoad]

But here we are all concerned about the kid -- t, we've left out some of the players. What do Dads #3 and #4 think of this situation?

[it]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Yeah yeah. It's actually not scary at all because this is not manipulation on her part.

...Not the part about it that scars me. It's simply that between the hostile vile and self-masturbatory value judgements, you've managed to make a good point: At this point he really would likely react by looking for her to see how he should feel about it. Under that circumstances, any healthy rebuilding before he is an adult will need to be with her approval.

Originally Posted by Undertoad

But here we are all concerned about the kid -- t, we've left out some of the players. What do Dads #3 and #4 think of this situation?

They weren't any. I know she had a couple of short flings after and one person she had a relationship status with for about a whole day. For that matter, dad #1 never met him, so depending on how you view that word, your counting is off.

[Undertoad]

mmkay well I'm glad I could be of service