Old Flames

Elspode · 10-12-2005, 01:29 PM

Thirty-two years ago, I was a 17-year old high school senior, headed for my first apartment and a taste of what unfettered life had to offer. My girlfriend at the time was a Sophomore, 16 years old, slim as a rail, bright, cute, the child of very forward-thinking parents who had been around the world with the Air Force. I was really, really full of myself, having been a chubby kid who blossomed in my teen years, suddenly finding myself with a lot of unsolicited interest from a variety of young ladies and not handling it very well. I wasn't used to the attention, and apparently thought I was all of that and a bag of chips to boot. My ego couldn't have been hauled in a Terex Titan dump truck.

We dated for almost a year, and toward the end of our relationship, I impregnated Liz. She and I, with her parent's total and unflagging support, agreed that abortion was the best option, and it proceeded normally. It was only a couple of months afterward that I met someone else, and rather unceremoniously dumped Liz.

I was a jackass, and to this day, it is one of the most hurtful things I've ever done to another person. I was utterly selfish and not very kind about it. I've spent years trying to be a better person, largely because of this immature slight I dealt to a person who seriously did not deserve such treatment. I knew that the guy who did that was not the guy I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I found in my mailbox a letter from Liz. I opened it with much trepidation, expecting to have my head taken off in some angst-clearing salvo, which I undoubtedly would deserve, even after all these years (I literally have had *no* contact of any kind with her since 1975). To my surprise, it was a thoroughly pleasant "hi", a brief update of her status in life, and a few pictures from back in the day thrown in to bring a fond smile to my face.

Things like this always throw me for a loop. Believing as I do that things happen for a reason, and coming closely on the heels of hearing from my father for the first time in many years, I am now a bit scrambled, and looking for a clue. I sent Liz an exceedingly brief email of appreciation *and* apology, explaining that I felt like I owed her a great deal of contrition for having been an immense jerk. The email was brief enough that I would like to follow up with some catchup.

I guess what I'm looking for here is this: my wife carefully and lovingly explained to me that no happily married woman looks up old boyfriends and contacts them out of the blue, so I need to watch my ass (Liz describes herself as married to a musician in LA, Liz having had a career as a very successful stage lighting designer, a career which I helped set her upon as my lighting assistant back in high school).

She really was one of my favorite people from my youth, and I really would like to have some contact with her, but I recognize that there is some truth in what Mrs. Elspode tells me. So...what says The Cellar? Is it harmless for me to communicate with Liz, or should I just leave it at "thanks for the pics?" and avoid any possible danger or muddying of the current marital pond that might occur? And has this situation ever arisen for any of you all? What did you do?

limey · 10-12-2005, 01:51 PM

I (

) have contacted old flames in two modes:
1 - with the confused and unacknowledged intention of seeing if there was any chance of getting back together
2 - to warn that I have moved back into the neighbourhood and that we might meet up; which was interpreted as 1) above by the recipient.

Depending on how your wife feels about this, you and your wife could arrange to meet with old flame. This should give you the chance to catch up, your wife the chance to learn more about you (maybe more than you'd like

!) and give a message to old flame that you are not available (which I presume to be the case).

Elspode · 10-12-2005, 01:54 PM

Well, Liz is in LA and I in KC, so not much of a problem there. It isn't seeing the person that is on the table, but rather some innocuous email communication.

As far as I am aware, I am not available...

jinx · 10-12-2005, 03:53 PM

I suppose its possible that this woman has been pining away for you for 32 years and has decided that now is the right time to make her move to get you back, but I think its more likely that she was struck by a sense of nostalgia/mortality and reached out to you as an old friend. I think that was really nice of you to respond to her positively, that's probably all she was looking for.

plthijinx · 10-12-2005, 04:02 PM

feel out the situation and proceed with kid gloves.
[hijackish] not an old flame by any means but there is a lady here in the office building that's been after me for about a week now. she found out my g/f isn't around right now and she doesn't get any at home yadayadayada. i've explained to her "no" but she keeps on. [/hijackish]

Elspode · 10-12-2005, 04:53 PM

Jinx: yeah, that's kind of the way I see it. She saw my name in a HS directory, couldn't find a current email addy for me, and sent a "hi" letter.

The question really is...if this sort of thing happened to Jim, would you feel the same way?

Plt...don't do it! Taking up with women who "aren't getting any at home" is a short cut to misery.

10-12-2005, 05:18 PM

Hmmmm...

As a woman, I find her gesture towards you rather surprising, given that she's married and all. Mrs. E. may have a point.

Tell me something. Did she mention ever having children of her own?

An abortion can be a difficult experience for a woman, especially if she is subsequently childless. She may be replaying old tapes, wondering where she went wrong, coming to terms with some things. Maybe she contacted you as some sort of reality check. Like "Who was this guy all those years ago? Am I remembering things clearly? Did I do the right thing?"

I live in the same town as my exhusband of 20 years. He has since remarried. We were friends up to the time of his remarriage. Since then, he has wisely, I think, retreated. He is with his second wife now, and I am part of his past and he, mine. Sometimes we chance upon one another at the post office or where-ever. We exchange polite hello's, maybe comment on the weather, and go our seperate ways.

Just some thoughts for what they're worth...

jinx · 10-12-2005, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

The question really is...if this sort of thing happened to Jim, would you feel the same way?

Yeah, I think so. Sending emails/letters to say hi/catch up etc. doesn't set off any alarms for me.

plthijinx · 10-12-2005, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

Plt...don't do it! Taking up with women who "aren't getting any at home" is a short cut to misery.

not only no but hell no. i have someone that is my sig. other. she may be away but i am faithful. period. i may flirt here and there but when all is said and done, my heart, soul and body are my g/f's.

Clodfobble · 10-12-2005, 10:04 PM

I admit I have a double-standard about this. If an ex-girlfriend contacted my husband, even in a friendly nostalgia kind of way, I'd be extremely leery. But part of that may be that I've heard stories about all of his exes and I am not impressed. However, I myself think fondly of several of my exes in a "though it obviously didn't work out, it was right for us at the time, and I wish him happiness in life" kind of way, and would contact any of them out of the blue if I were in the right mood, purely for nostalgia. Well, I take it back--I would contact them out of the blue if I happened across contact information. I wouldn't go looking for them.

Anyway, my advice is this: email back and forth is fine, laced with the occasional subtle sentence about your wife and/or kids, but at the first sign that she's trying to establish something more serious (keep in mind she knows your address,) I'd firmly but politely distance yourself.

bluecuracao · 10-12-2005, 11:28 PM

Maybe you should listen to Mrs. E, not only because she is probably right, but also because she is your wife and it obviously set off an alarm in HER head. I think you risk making her feel weird by keeping in contact with this girl/woman from your distant past. Would it really be worth it?

I had a similar situation when a guy I last saw over 20 years ago emailed me through Classmates. I tried to put myself in my fiance's shoes and thought, if he got a similar email from a long-ago ex, how would I feel if he contacted her? I thought I would probably feel a little uncomfortable, so I didn't even respond and trashed the email.

xoxoxoBruce · 10-13-2005, 02:01 AM

Go for it. She’s far enough away that things can’t get out of hand without considerable expense and logistics. As long as you are up front and honest with both ladies, it shouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be able to tell after a couple of communications where it’s headed, and can change tack at any time.

She may have had a recent traumatic experience that’s causing her to review, reflect and/or reevaluate her past.

lumberjim · 10-13-2005, 05:50 AM

when confronted with life's little mysteries and conundrums, i often look to the user title repository for sage wisdom and advice. In this case, we could look to xoxoxoxbruce who tellls us that "the future is unwritten", which is true, but not terribly helpful. No, in this case, mrnoodle seems to offer the best advice:

"don't pick at it. It'll just get infected."

Elspode · 10-13-2005, 10:00 AM

At this point, I have answered with thanks for the pictures and addressing my knowledge of mutual acquaintances Liz mentioned in her letter. She hasn't responded (I sent email) as of yet, but my gut feeling is that this is simply innocent reconnection, as suggested by Jinx.

No one understands wanting perspective on one's past and the sense of impending mortality that growing older brings better than I do. The vague melancholy experienced when I look at the old pictures of my misspent youth has something of an addictive quality, as if the memories dredged back up are able to affect me physiologically. It is at once a depressant and a stimulant, the 8-ball of interpersonal experiences.

It is difficult to explain, really, how it makes me feel. The best I can do is to characterize it as exuberant and depressed at the same time.

lumberjim · 10-13-2005, 10:16 AM

Given the opportunity to apologize for an ancient wrong, he feels fortunate.
Released from its long hardened sheath of guilt, the seed of pain germinates.
A flower erupts. A beautiful, bitter weed.
To eat this weed, or let it die in the sun, he wonders.

He puzzles at the motive. Is it his chance to be absolved for his wrongs?
Or is it her attempt to revenge her pain by reminding him of them?
Which does he deserve? Shall he suffer the guilt again, or the bliss?
She certainly doesn't owe him forgiveness, yet she seems to offer it.
Why?

10-12-2005, 01:29 PM	#1
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Old Flames Thirty-two years ago, I was a 17-year old high school senior, headed for my first apartment and a taste of what unfettered life had to offer. My girlfriend at the time was a Sophomore, 16 years old, slim as a rail, bright, cute, the child of very forward-thinking parents who had been around the world with the Air Force. I was really, really full of myself, having been a chubby kid who blossomed in my teen years, suddenly finding myself with a lot of unsolicited interest from a variety of young ladies and not handling it very well. I wasn't used to the attention, and apparently thought I was all of that and a bag of chips to boot. My ego couldn't have been hauled in a Terex Titan dump truck. We dated for almost a year, and toward the end of our relationship, I impregnated Liz. She and I, with her parent's total and unflagging support, agreed that abortion was the best option, and it proceeded normally. It was only a couple of months afterward that I met someone else, and rather unceremoniously dumped Liz. I was a jackass, and to this day, it is one of the most hurtful things I've ever done to another person. I was utterly selfish and not very kind about it. I've spent years trying to be a better person, largely because of this immature slight I dealt to a person who seriously did not deserve such treatment. I knew that the guy who did that was not the guy I wanted to be for the rest of my life. Yesterday, when I got home from work, I found in my mailbox a letter from Liz. I opened it with much trepidation, expecting to have my head taken off in some angst-clearing salvo, which I undoubtedly would deserve, even after all these years (I literally have had no contact of any kind with her since 1975). To my surprise, it was a thoroughly pleasant "hi", a brief update of her status in life, and a few pictures from back in the day thrown in to bring a fond smile to my face. Things like this always throw me for a loop. Believing as I do that things happen for a reason, and coming closely on the heels of hearing from my father for the first time in many years, I am now a bit scrambled, and looking for a clue. I sent Liz an exceedingly brief email of appreciation and apology, explaining that I felt like I owed her a great deal of contrition for having been an immense jerk. The email was brief enough that I would like to follow up with some catchup. I guess what I'm looking for here is this: my wife carefully and lovingly explained to me that no happily married woman looks up old boyfriends and contacts them out of the blue, so I need to watch my ass (Liz describes herself as married to a musician in LA, Liz having had a career as a very successful stage lighting designer, a career which I helped set her upon as my lighting assistant back in high school). She really was one of my favorite people from my youth, and I really would like to have some contact with her, but I recognize that there is some truth in what Mrs. Elspode tells me. So...what says The Cellar? Is it harmless for me to communicate with Liz, or should I just leave it at "thanks for the pics?" and avoid any possible danger or muddying of the current marital pond that might occur? And has this situation ever arisen for any of you all? What did you do? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-12-2005, 01:51 PM	#2
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	I ( ) have contacted old flames in two modes: 1 - with the confused and unacknowledged intention of seeing if there was any chance of getting back together 2 - to warn that I have moved back into the neighbourhood and that we might meet up; which was interpreted as 1) above by the recipient. Depending on how your wife feels about this, you and your wife could arrange to meet with old flame. This should give you the chance to catch up, your wife the chance to learn more about you (maybe more than you'd like !) and give a message to old flame that you are not available (which I presume to be the case). __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

10-12-2005, 01:54 PM	#3
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Well, Liz is in LA and I in KC, so not much of a problem there. It isn't seeing the person that is on the table, but rather some innocuous email communication. As far as I am aware, I am not available... __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-12-2005, 03:53 PM	#4
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	I suppose its possible that this woman has been pining away for you for 32 years and has decided that now is the right time to make her move to get you back, but I think its more likely that she was struck by a sense of nostalgia/mortality and reached out to you as an old friend. I think that was really nice of you to respond to her positively, that's probably all she was looking for. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

10-12-2005, 04:02 PM	#5
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	feel out the situation and proceed with kid gloves. [hijackish] not an old flame by any means but there is a lady here in the office building that's been after me for about a week now. she found out my g/f isn't around right now and she doesn't get any at home yadayadayada. i've explained to her "no" but she keeps on. [/hijackish] __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

10-12-2005, 04:53 PM	#6
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Jinx: yeah, that's kind of the way I see it. She saw my name in a HS directory, couldn't find a current email addy for me, and sent a "hi" letter. The question really is...if this sort of thing happened to Jim, would you feel the same way? Plt...don't do it! Taking up with women who "aren't getting any at home" is a short cut to misery. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

10-12-2005, 05:18 PM	#7
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Hmmmm... As a woman, I find her gesture towards you rather surprising, given that she's married and all. Mrs. E. may have a point. Tell me something. Did she mention ever having children of her own? An abortion can be a difficult experience for a woman, especially if she is subsequently childless. She may be replaying old tapes, wondering where she went wrong, coming to terms with some things. Maybe she contacted you as some sort of reality check. Like "Who was this guy all those years ago? Am I remembering things clearly? Did I do the right thing?" I live in the same town as my exhusband of 20 years. He has since remarried. We were friends up to the time of his remarriage. Since then, he has wisely, I think, retreated. He is with his second wife now, and I am part of his past and he, mine. Sometimes we chance upon one another at the post office or where-ever. We exchange polite hello's, maybe comment on the weather, and go our seperate ways. Just some thoughts for what they're worth...

10-12-2005, 10:04 PM	#10
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I admit I have a double-standard about this. If an ex-girlfriend contacted my husband, even in a friendly nostalgia kind of way, I'd be extremely leery. But part of that may be that I've heard stories about all of his exes and I am not impressed. However, I myself think fondly of several of my exes in a "though it obviously didn't work out, it was right for us at the time, and I wish him happiness in life" kind of way, and would contact any of them out of the blue if I were in the right mood, purely for nostalgia. Well, I take it back--I would contact them out of the blue if I happened across contact information. I wouldn't go looking for them. Anyway, my advice is this: email back and forth is fine, laced with the occasional subtle sentence about your wife and/or kids, but at the first sign that she's trying to establish something more serious (keep in mind she knows your address,) I'd firmly but politely distance yourself.

10-12-2005, 11:28 PM	#11
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	Maybe you should listen to Mrs. E, not only because she is probably right, but also because she is your wife and it obviously set off an alarm in HER head. I think you risk making her feel weird by keeping in contact with this girl/woman from your distant past. Would it really be worth it? I had a similar situation when a guy I last saw over 20 years ago emailed me through Classmates. I tried to put myself in my fiance's shoes and thought, if he got a similar email from a long-ago ex, how would I feel if he contacted her? I thought I would probably feel a little uncomfortable, so I didn't even respond and trashed the email.

10-13-2005, 02:01 AM	#12
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Go for it. She’s far enough away that things can’t get out of hand without considerable expense and logistics. As long as you are up front and honest with both ladies, it shouldn’t be a problem. You’ll be able to tell after a couple of communications where it’s headed, and can change tack at any time. She may have had a recent traumatic experience that’s causing her to review, reflect and/or reevaluate her past. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-13-2005, 05:50 AM	#13
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	when confronted with life's little mysteries and conundrums, i often look to the user title repository for sage wisdom and advice. In this case, we could look to xoxoxoxbruce who tellls us that "the future is unwritten", which is true, but not terribly helpful. No, in this case, mrnoodle seems to offer the best advice: "don't pick at it. It'll just get infected." __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-13-2005, 10:00 AM	#14
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	At this point, I have answered with thanks for the pictures and addressing my knowledge of mutual acquaintances Liz mentioned in her letter. She hasn't responded (I sent email) as of yet, but my gut feeling is that this is simply innocent reconnection, as suggested by Jinx. No one understands wanting perspective on one's past and the sense of impending mortality that growing older brings better than I do. The vague melancholy experienced when I look at the old pictures of my misspent youth has something of an addictive quality, as if the memories dredged back up are able to affect me physiologically. It is at once a depressant and a stimulant, the 8-ball of interpersonal experiences. It is difficult to explain, really, how it makes me feel. The best I can do is to characterize it as exuberant and depressed at the same time. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog Last edited by Elspode; 10-13-2005 at 10:04 AM.

10-13-2005, 10:16 AM	#15
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	Given the opportunity to apologize for an ancient wrong, he feels fortunate. Released from its long hardened sheath of guilt, the seed of pain germinates. A flower erupts. A beautiful, bitter weed. To eat this weed, or let it die in the sun, he wonders. He puzzles at the motive. Is it his chance to be absolved for his wrongs? Or is it her attempt to revenge her pain by reminding him of them? Which does he deserve? Shall he suffer the guilt again, or the bliss? She certainly doesn't owe him forgiveness, yet she seems to offer it. Why? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)