Discussing death with kids

[glatt]

I've got an uncle who is in the advanced stages of lung cancer. They just gave up on the chemo treatments, because they aren't working. And now they are just trying to make him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. He's still at home for now. No hospital yet.

He's somebody that the kids have seen about once a year, and we saw him in July. My son, who is a kindergartener probably isn't really all that certain who he even is, because when we see him there are tons of other people around. My 3rd grade daughter knows who he is, and even had a special moment with him in July when he praised/rewarded her for an accomplishment she made.

The kids have been told that he's sick. And saw (if they even noticed it) that he had little energy in July and was short of breath all the time. But they don't know how serious it is.

I've never dealt with this before. How much should I tell them? Do they need to know that he's dying? Will it just scare them? When he does die, should they travel out of state to the funeral, or should I just go by myself? I'm getting a little ahead of myself with the funeral because he's still alive and kicking, but it's almost certainly coming.

To be brutally honest, they don't know him that well, although he is the grandfather of kids they do identify with and play with a lot each year.

Basically, I have no idea how to approach this. Should I just wait until he dies and then tell them he's dead and go to the funeral by myself while they stay home with my wife and keep going to school? Or should I involve them a lot? Ask them to make cards now, etc. and let them attend the funeral?

My general philosophy of child rearing is that kids understand stuff more than you give them credit for and you should always be open and honest with them. But somehow I feel like it's different with death. I think they might understand it too much. They might get scared by the information that a relative is dying, and I don't want to scare them.

Thoughts?

[Griff]

Make sure they know they can ask questions about it and you'll give them complete answers. Your kids are young (if I remember correctly) so I wouldn't add too much detail. Don't bullshit them, you'd have to fix that later.

[LabRat]

We have had several deaths in the family, some of whom my almost 5yo daughter were close to. We explained that so-and-so died. That means they won't be around anymore because their body has stopped working. All were because of old age, so I just explained that as we get older, our bodies get worn out. Eventually we get to the point where we can't get better anymore, and when a person dies they get to continue living in our hearts and memories, so really they aren't ever gone. When she asked 'what happens to their body?' I explained that that the body goes to the cemetary, so you can visit whenever you need to. She has been with me to my dad's gravesite.

We have had no nightmares, etc. The last grandma that died, I told her and said we were going to the funeral without her, (happened during vacation, she stayed with the in-laws in Wisconsin, we came back early) and she was cool. She told me not to be sad. Later, she checked and said that she's living in our hearts now, right? And I told her yes.

I HATED beting told that X was now in heaven watching over me after they died. Seriously gave me the creeps, especially when having sex, to think that all my dead relatives, including my father were 'watching'. I absolutely refuse to tell my daughter the same thing, and opted for the living in your heart/memory. Which, really, is true.

[glatt]

Originally Posted by LabRat

We have had several deaths in the family, some of whom my almost 5yo daughter were close to. We explained that so-and-so died.

Did you prepare her for the deaths by saying the person was really sick, etc? Or just wait until after the fact?

Originally Posted by LabRat

We have had no nightmares, etc.

That's good to hear.

Originally Posted by LabRat

I HATED beting told that X was now in heaven watching over me after they died. Seriously gave me the creeps, especially when having sex, to think that all my dead relatives, including my father were 'watching'.

LOL. Me too. Not so much sex as masturbating.

[lumberjim]

my fucking cat is dying.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

my fucking cat is dying.

[insensitive bastard]As opposed to your petting cat?[/insensitive bastard]

Actually, I'm sorry to hear that man. It is a teachable moment for the kids though.

[LabRat]

Originally Posted by glatt

Did you prepare her for the deaths by saying the person was really sick, etc? Or just wait until after the fact?

We visited most of them while they were sick, and explained that they were very sick. My grandma especially, toward the end was pretty much incoherent with her tongue sticking out (if I'd known she was that bad, I might not have brought her, that's not an image of her grandma that I want to stick in her head...) so it was kind of obvious something wasn't right.

We did explain beforehand that they wouldn't be around very long, that's why we want to visit to tell them we loved them etc. As soon as they died we told her, and explained that we would be going to a visitation (and what that was) and then a funeral the next day (and what that was).

You know your child best, but for us, I have always just said what was going on. I want her to be able to trust me.

[jester]

Labrat stated it well - considering their ages, they probably don't understand alot. Just the basics, should be given. I don't believe I would take them "out of state" when it actually happens, though.

[Bullitt]

My mom read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Fall-Freddie-L.../dp/0805010645
to the little girl (8 years) of a coworker of my dad's before she passed away from leukemia last week. Read it myself and it really does a great job of explaining death but not making it a scary thing for young kids.

[Flint]

"The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story Of Life For All Ages" ...sounds nice...like it shows the natural cycle of death and rebirth. A story that probably does need to be read by people of all ages. Which leads me to the thought: before we can help our children work through their feelings about death, we need to have a healthy perspective on it ourselves.

I helped take care of my grandmother when she was dying. I was sent away a the last min. and never forgave my parents for it.
Seeing her pain end and being there to share that with her and the rest of the family was something that was stolen from me.
Kids know and can understand far more than most give them credit for.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by LabRat

Eventually we get to the point where we can't get better anymore, and when a person dies they get to continue living in our hearts and memories, so really they aren't ever gone.

I really like that. My stepkids' mom told them that dying was just like sleeping except you never wake up, and I swear I could have just kicked her in the head for that. Endless explanations at bedtime that no, they weren't going to accidentally die in their sleep...

I would say if they don't know him that well, there's no need to take them to the funeral. It might be worth it to explain that the other kids they know are losing their grandfather, so they'll be pretty sad, and maybe let them empathize that way or make a card for those kids.

[Aliantha]

My kids were really close to my Mum. We lived with her.

She died of Cancer a few years ago, and she stayed at home right till the end and died at home in her bed. The kids were there for the whole thing and we talked about it constantly through the whole process. They knew Mum had cancer - we even talked about the mechanics of the disease - and when she finally said she wanted to give up the fight and just be as comfortable as possible for the end, I had to tell my boys that grandma was going to die.

I never said anything about heaven, but I've always told my kids that I believe we have a soul which leaves our body when it gets too tired to go on, and so this is how I handled it. Naturally they were very upset, regardless of how much I had tried to prepare them for it, but we all cried together and I think that's part of the process. I personally believe that kids need to know their parents are grieving and that it's ok to be sad just like everyone else.

Just a final note, during the last week of Mum's illness, I sent my boys to stay with my Dad. They got to say their goodbyes to grandma and at the time they knew that it was the last time they'd get to see her.

The reason I did this is because for one thing, I wanted them to be with someone who would be absolutely available for them during a time when I had no choice but to wholly focused on my Mum and her palliative care. She chose to die at home, and it was the final thing I could do for her rather than send her to a hospital to die. I didn't want my kids to feel that I didn't have time for them, and quite frankly, I didn't want them around a house which was full of leathal drugs.

Anyway, that's how I dealt with it. I have to admit, writing this has made me cry a little all over again. Some for my Mum whom I miss every day of my life, but mostly for my kids. They loved her so much and I feel so sorry that they've lost her. She was devoted to them...her only grandchildren.

[jester]

I agree with the fact that when the children are "more involved" with the individual, it gets a little more "intense". As in Ali's & Rkz's situation. So more thought & discussion is needed. Every situation is different. Alot also has to do with "up-bringing" & surroundings. Sometimes kids will even mimic the adults in these instances. It's never easy.

[Aliantha]

I think you're right there jester. Every situation is different and you are the one that knows your own children and your family culture better than anyone. For myself, I can only say how i handled it, and it seemed to be the best way for us, but what I did may not have been the right thing for other children.

The only thing I would say should apply to all parents is that it's ok to be honest with your kids about death and the whole process of grieving. I believe that if kids realize it's normal to be sad for a time and it's ok to miss someone when they're gone, it will help them more when they get older. Particularly boys where our culture seems to be hell bent on encouraging them to hide their emotions rather than being honest about them.