Death/Funeral Etiquette Advice, please

[monster]

from US peeps, sorry all else.....

The dad of one of Thor's closest friends died on Weds (prolonged battle with lung cancer) and his funeral is tomorrow. I met the guy once, Thor is 8. Would it be expected we attend? Would it help Thor's friend if he were there? Or will he be too tied up with his family and ritual obligations to even notice us? What is the norm? Funerals here seem so much bigger than the ones in the UK -is it everybody who ever came into contact shoud attend, or only those who felt close to the deceased?

We will send a condolence card of course, but I'm not big on funerals -I've been to one -my nan's- and I really didn't know the guy -he and the mom are not together and he's been sick all the time Thor has known this kid (one year) In the UK, kids generally do not attend funerals, but I'm hearing that some of their classmates will be attending. Should we go? I'm not big on them, but I'm not a wuss either -I can do a funeral if a funeral must be done. Even in church. I've asked Thor and he really is not into giving me an answer either way. Which is unusual, so i'm thinking maybe he feels the same way I do -don't want to go but maybe should.

And... if we do go, what to expect? there was a viewing tonight and there's another one at the church immediately before the service. Is the casket likely to be open at the service? Do we wear black?

And I'm worried Thor's worried we're going to die too. We went to Hector's class poetry book launch where some of them read their poems about their fears of growing up. On the way home, Thor asked beest if it was normal to be afraid of growing up. Maybe he's wondering if it's normal for parents to die. And if he is, will the funeral make that possibility seem more real?

I sort of think we should go, but I don't want to.

[squirell nutkin]

I'd lean towards going mainly because of Thor's relationship with the son. As a formality. I'd skip the viewing which is more a time for everyone to reminisce about the old codger and remember when, etc etc.

Funerals in my mind are about the survivors emotionally supporting one another. Sometimes that is expressed as paying respects or sharing memories.

I imagine after a bout with cancer you aren't looking your best and doubt an open coffin.

You can certainly stay in the back, tell anyone who seems to care that you are sorry, etc. I don't think the entire clan needs to go, one parent could stay home with the other kids.

On the other hand, you could skip the whole thing and send a card unless you feel you absence would be conspicuous. Sounds like the only real connection is Thor and the kid, who as you point out will probably be busy with his family.

After thinking about it, I'm giving you a pass. You can stay home and grill some burgers in the back yard and hoist a few lagers.

[Cloud]

Here are my opinions: It would not be considered unusual for you and your son to go to the church memorial service. You can skip the actual internment if you like. If you're not close, you don't have to go, but it would probably be nice. Sending condolence cards, flowers, or a monetary gift to cancer fund or something similar is good etiquette.

Most likely it will be closed casket. You do not have to wear black--anything reasonably conservative and respectful will do.

Your son's friend may not even notice your appearance at all--he'll likely be too busy with his grief and with his family. Being "there for him" afterwards would probably go further to help him.

And Thor might very well be scared of you dying, or of dying, period. I know I am. Discussion and love are merited here.

[Clodfobble]

Well, as for what to expect if you go... yes, you should wear black, and if there's a viewing beforehand then yes, it's officially open-casket and it has a good chance of staying open for the service. However, it will be up at the front on a slightly raised platform, and it's likely you will be unable to see the body from out in the audience (which is why they have the viewings beforehand.)

As for who should generally attend, it's usually less about who knew the dead guy and more about who knew the dead guy's relatives. Lots of people showed up at my grandmother's funeral who never knew her, but were good friends of my aunts and uncles and were there to support them. But when the friends are kids, that's a little more unusual. If I were a kid, I don't know if I'd want my classmates to see me crying at my dad's funeral. But it's hard to say. If this kid is like one of Thor's best friends, there's a possibility he should go. But if he's just an acquaintance, I think it's probably better to just send the card to the family and coach Thor on some small friendly/supportive thing to say the next time he sees his friend after the funeral.

And the friend's feelings aside, I think if Thor's feeling uncomfortable about it, he shouldn't go.

[Cloud]

A few more thoughts: You (even just you and your son) could go to the church service, skip the internment, then go have lunch or something, which would give you a chance to discuss the cycle of life, blah blah.

There also could be some benefit to going through the whole routine--church service, internment, and the party afterwards. Yes, there's usually a party afterwards, where all the friends and relatives eat and drink and reminisce. We don't usually call it a wake or anything that formal here, in my experience.

But I remember my mom's funeral and party--I was a bit upset. Why were all these people eating and drinking and having a good time? It was explained to me, that these parties are for the living, to help with their grief.

In that respect, going through all of it for someone he's not close to, could help your son understand and be prepared down the road, when it really matters. Both emotional lessons, and etiquette lessons. There's something to be said for learning and practicing how to act and make small talk in such settings.

[Cloud]

I note Clod and I DISAGREE on some of the details--there may be cultural or regional differences at play.

(edited: duh)

[monster]

Thanks all.

Yeah, Thor and "Fred" are pretty close. I'm not a huge fan of the relationship, but Fred has had a helluva lot to deal with in his short life, so no suprise he's a little disruptive (dad was given 4 weeks two years ago then went on an experimental drug, apparently -we didn't know them then , but I knew of them because I know everything)

And yes, I know funerals are for the survivors. that's the only reason I feel like sorta we oughta. As for intruding on Fred's grief, he was in school today, happy as Larry, don't think it's hit home yet. Maybe it will tomorrow. Maybe it'll take month or years. But will he feel better for Thor being there? Maybe. What bad can happen if we go? Thor could get more scared, I guess. I talked to him a little more since I posted. He says he's nervoud, but is not sure what of and I don't think it's of us dying. I think maybe he feels like me -not sure what to expect.

[monster]

I'm thinking we should go

...so what should we do? Dress appropriately and then what? We still mail the condolence card, right? Do we need to take anything? Remember to doanything?

[Cloud]

nobody wants to go a funeral. But it can be an important way to foster relationships, if that's important to you or your son.

If you go--tell us if everyone wore black and if there was an open casket!

[Shawnee123]

My nieces have attended funerals or visitations since pretty young. My brother and sis-in-law are always ready to talk about it with them. The girls handle it pretty well. I think it's good for kids to go. Your kids, like my nieces, are pretty sharp, and you have a good relationship so if Thor wants to talk to you I think he will.

It is also something that will mean something to Fred, if not yet, then later.

As an aside, my youngest niece was probably 3 when she went to a visitation with the family. Later she was asked what she thought about it, and she shrugged and said "we got there and the guy was already dead." Some visit!

[monster]

wearing black is not a problem for me -I never wear anything else

[Cloud]

Thor could wear a nice pair of khakis and a dress shirt--no one is going to think anything of it if he's not in a black suit.

[monster]

lol @ shawnee. Death is not a taboo subject for us, it's just the whole funeral thing that's new. Cloud, thanks for the "nobody wants to go to a funeral", I needed to hear that it wasn't psychopathically antisocial to not want to go.

At Thor's birthday party, Beest and I dubbed Fred "Kid most likely to go on to become a serial killer" We didn't knoe then that Fred was THE Fred whose dad had bad cancer -like most of the rest of the school, we assumed he'd died quietly after his 4 weeks, so the fact that Fred had a dad meant it wasn't that Fred. Wrong.

[monster]

Originally Posted by Cloud

Thor could wear a nice pair of khakis and a dress shirt--no one is going to think anything of it if he's not in a black suit.

Um. He doesn't even have those items. But we'll do our best. i sort of thought dress code would be more relaxed for kids -darker stuff, no logos....

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Cloud

Thor could wear a nice pair of khakis and a dress shirt--no one is going to think anything of it if he's not in a black suit.

Yes, I amend my earlier statement about black--the kids can get away with not wearing black pants, because they're kids. Heck, in some families you can show up in Hawaiian shirts. But if you don't know the family, black will never offend anyone.