need advice really really bad - Page 5

elSicomoro · 02-13-2004, 07:28 PM

At the risk of sounding insensitive, b/c I'm sure you truly love him...

--Get a divorce lawyer.
--Have him deported.
--Move on.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 07:32 PM

are you saying that because of the gatsby thing?
he stopped using it in july. we married in september. i'm starting to think that he may have had those bad intentions, but he might really love me now...but i don't know. i'm going to the therapist before i decide what to do.

wolf · 02-13-2004, 08:48 PM

(I would like to point out that despite having been to Rhode Island many times, including Newport, I have never met staceyv's husband).

elSicomoro · 02-13-2004, 09:03 PM

Stacey, no, I said what I said initially based on what I've read in the entire thread.

Like I said in another thread, I'm no expert on this kind of shit...but you seem like a nice enough person and all, and it just seems to me like you're being taken for a ride. Of course he's going to try and make things right...his life in the States could be at stake. You seem to be torn between "Well, he IS trying to make up for it." and "I can't trust this fucker any further than I can throw him." It seems to me like the writing is on the wall, but I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts...and hurts to let go.

Hopefully the therapist will help, but in the end, the decision is yours. I think you have to step back, reapproach it with a cool calm head and go from there.

Good luck.

OnyxCougar · 02-13-2004, 10:51 PM

She already said she doesn't want to be with him at this point.

that's the case, then it is over. I said it before. Cut your losses. That doesn't mean it's not going to hurt like hell.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 11:08 PM

i also posted that i don't want to break up,either. i want to believe him and continue with a happy life. all this is too stressful. then i start thinking "what if it' s all a lie?" i am completely torn in two directions. we sat down and made an agreement with each other on ways to rebuild my trust. he says he will go to counseling, he will not talk to or e-mail or see that girl ever again, he says he won't even go out without me. he says he will give me all of his account numbers and i can read his e-mails if i want, that he will not hide things and that he will be 100% honest with me, even if it might upset me...basically, anything i threw in the air, he was like "sure, i'll do that...i'll do anything you say" but i also told him that my trust will probably only be fully won when he has a greencard and he is still with me. if he really wanted to, sure, he could open a secret e-mail account, he could lie instead of 100% honesty policy, he could say he has to work late and do whatever. all of these things he agreed to did not restore my trust in him, but it looks like he is willing to do anything to try. his only response to "why did you write those letters?!" is "i don't know, i really don't know...i'm twisted, i know it was perverted, unfaithful, i don't know"

this is where we stand now. i guess only time will tell.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 11:10 PM

our contract:

we agree on 100% complete honesty. no punishment, and arsen will remind stacey.

arsen will not hide things from stacey

arsen will take stacey with him when he goes out, or not go.

4 drinks out or 3 at home for STACEY.

no e-mails or contact with eva

pay off stacey's credit card bills and a diamond ring before greencard.

honechka will not cut her hair for one year, and she will not look for the hidden scissors.

arsen will not cheat on stacey. that includes kissing and romantic letters. and of course, no physical contact like head, sex , etc. same for stacey.

arsen will go to marriage therapy.

02-13-2004
2-13-04

wolf · 02-13-2004, 11:20 PM

What does stacey do for arsen other than service him sexually?

One sided contracts are unrealistic and unenforceable.

elSicomoro · 02-13-2004, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
She already said she doesn't want to be with him at this point.

Really? Could you point out where she said that? Because in re-reading the entire thread, I didn't see that mentioned at all. Not to mention Stacey's newest post...

wolf · 02-13-2004, 11:28 PM

This situation is not unlike the first time we heard about your husband

And here, I must unfortunately say, "I told you so."

Riddil · 02-13-2004, 11:29 PM

Therapist. Say it with me now, th-air-a-pist. Go to him. Now. Quickly. Please run, don't walk.

staceyv · 02-13-2004, 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by wolf
What does stacey do for arsen other than service him sexually?

One sided contracts are unrealistic and unenforceable.

how is it a one-sided contract? i agree to limit my drinking, not cut my hair, not to cheat. those were all of his requests. he couldn't think of anything else. did you even read the contract before you posted that??

also, that "i told you so " in the baby back post didn't make any sense to me. neither does this one

by the way,
thank you, sycamore, you are right.

therapist
.

OnyxCougar · 02-13-2004, 11:50 PM

Quote:

i am looking for any way to make myself feel better. any way to rationalize staying with him

If you have to come up with reasons to be there, you don't want to be there.

Sounds like you've managed to find a reason to stay.

I hope things work out for you.

Beestie · 02-13-2004, 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
Sounds like you've managed to find a reason to stay.

That's not a reason to stay but, rather, a reason not to leave. Big difference.

OnyxCougar · 02-13-2004, 11:59 PM

SHE is the one that said she was looking for reasons to stay. Stay, not leave, same difference.

staceyv · 02-14-2004, 12:13 AM

beestie's right...it's not that i am so sure of staying, but i am even more unsure of leaving, so i found a reason not to leave.

OnyxCougar · 02-14-2004, 12:15 AM

You found a reason not to leave, so therefore you found a reason to stay?

I just checked dictionary.com. It says that staying is the same as not leaving. What am I missing here??

Beestie · 02-14-2004, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by OnyxCougar
You found a reason not to leave, so therefore you found a reason to stay?

I just checked dictionary.com. It says that staying is the same as not leaving. What am I missing here??

Inflection my dear Cougar. She doesn't want to stay but she is more frightened of leaving. It is the resolution of a dilemma - rarely a pretty sight.

Whatever you do, StacyV, I hope you continue to hang out here. You are deeply troubled and will not do well on your own unless you start believing in yourself.

Many wise folk have counseled you on this issue. Take heed. While our advice is free, it is not cheap.

elSicomoro · 02-14-2004, 12:28 AM

Wise folk? Where?

mrnoodle · 02-14-2004, 12:28 AM

Having been cheated on by someone I was in love with, and having seen emails similar to the ones posted at the top of this thread, I think I can speak with some authority.

People who love you won't do that to you. End of story. I know how painful and confusing it is. However, my humble opinion (and it may be mine alone) is that dragging yourself through a swamp of self-analysis and one-sided relationship-mending only hurts you and doesn't change your situation one whit. Even if he has stopped his hurtful behavior for the time being, expect it to come back once he thinks he's on safe ground again.

Accept the short-term, intense pain of kicking his greencard-seeking ass out the door, and save yourself a long(er), even more painful experience. I think you will be eternally grateful you did. There is someone out there who will love you without the bullshit attached.

Amateur psychologist kicking in: Have you ever wondered who he was cheating on when he hooked up with you? I hope that doesn't sound crass, because I don't intend it that way. But I'd bet no small amount of my own money that you're not the first he's strung along.

Best of luck to you.

02-13-2004, 11:20 PM	#88
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	What does stacey do for arsen other than service him sexually? One sided contracts are unrealistic and unenforceable. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

02-13-2004, 11:28 PM	#90
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	This situation is not unlike the first time we heard about your husband And here, I must unfortunately say, "I told you so." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis Last edited by wolf; 02-13-2004 at 11:32 PM.

02-13-2004, 07:28 PM	#81
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	At the risk of sounding insensitive, b/c I'm sure you truly love him... --Get a divorce lawyer. --Have him deported. --Move on.

02-13-2004, 07:32 PM	#82
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	are you saying that because of the gatsby thing? he stopped using it in july. we married in september. i'm starting to think that he may have had those bad intentions, but he might really love me now...but i don't know. i'm going to the therapist before i decide what to do.

02-13-2004, 08:48 PM	#83
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	(I would like to point out that despite having been to Rhode Island many times, including Newport, I have never met staceyv's husband).

02-13-2004, 09:03 PM	#84
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Stacey, no, I said what I said initially based on what I've read in the entire thread. Like I said in another thread, I'm no expert on this kind of shit...but you seem like a nice enough person and all, and it just seems to me like you're being taken for a ride. Of course he's going to try and make things right...his life in the States could be at stake. You seem to be torn between "Well, he IS trying to make up for it." and "I can't trust this fucker any further than I can throw him." It seems to me like the writing is on the wall, but I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts...and hurts to let go. Hopefully the therapist will help, but in the end, the decision is yours. I think you have to step back, reapproach it with a cool calm head and go from there. Good luck.

02-13-2004, 10:51 PM	#85
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	She already said she doesn't want to be with him at this point. that's the case, then it is over. I said it before. Cut your losses. That doesn't mean it's not going to hurt like hell.

02-13-2004, 11:08 PM	#86
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	i also posted that i don't want to break up,either. i want to believe him and continue with a happy life. all this is too stressful. then i start thinking "what if it' s all a lie?" i am completely torn in two directions. we sat down and made an agreement with each other on ways to rebuild my trust. he says he will go to counseling, he will not talk to or e-mail or see that girl ever again, he says he won't even go out without me. he says he will give me all of his account numbers and i can read his e-mails if i want, that he will not hide things and that he will be 100% honest with me, even if it might upset me...basically, anything i threw in the air, he was like "sure, i'll do that...i'll do anything you say" but i also told him that my trust will probably only be fully won when he has a greencard and he is still with me. if he really wanted to, sure, he could open a secret e-mail account, he could lie instead of 100% honesty policy, he could say he has to work late and do whatever. all of these things he agreed to did not restore my trust in him, but it looks like he is willing to do anything to try. his only response to "why did you write those letters?!" is "i don't know, i really don't know...i'm twisted, i know it was perverted, unfaithful, i don't know" this is where we stand now. i guess only time will tell.

02-13-2004, 11:10 PM	#87
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	our contract: we agree on 100% complete honesty. no punishment, and arsen will remind stacey. arsen will not hide things from stacey arsen will take stacey with him when he goes out, or not go. 4 drinks out or 3 at home for STACEY. no e-mails or contact with eva pay off stacey's credit card bills and a diamond ring before greencard. honechka will not cut her hair for one year, and she will not look for the hidden scissors. arsen will not cheat on stacey. that includes kissing and romantic letters. and of course, no physical contact like head, sex , etc. same for stacey. arsen will go to marriage therapy. 02-13-2004 2-13-04

02-13-2004, 11:29 PM	#91
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	Therapist. Say it with me now, th-air-a-pist. Go to him. Now. Quickly. Please run, don't walk.

02-13-2004, 11:59 PM	#95
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	SHE is the one that said she was looking for reasons to stay. Stay, not leave, same difference.

02-14-2004, 12:13 AM	#96
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	beestie's right...it's not that i am so sure of staying, but i am even more unsure of leaving, so i found a reason not to leave.

02-14-2004, 12:15 AM	#97
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	You found a reason not to leave, so therefore you found a reason to stay? I just checked dictionary.com. It says that staying is the same as not leaving. What am I missing here??

02-14-2004, 12:28 AM	#99
elSicomoro Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jan 2001 Posts: 12,486	Wise folk? Where?

02-14-2004, 12:28 AM	#100
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	Having been cheated on by someone I was in love with, and having seen emails similar to the ones posted at the top of this thread, I think I can speak with some authority. People who love you won't do that to you. End of story. I know how painful and confusing it is. However, my humble opinion (and it may be mine alone) is that dragging yourself through a swamp of self-analysis and one-sided relationship-mending only hurts you and doesn't change your situation one whit. Even if he has stopped his hurtful behavior for the time being, expect it to come back once he thinks he's on safe ground again. Accept the short-term, intense pain of kicking his greencard-seeking ass out the door, and save yourself a long(er), even more painful experience. I think you will be eternally grateful you did. There is someone out there who will love you without the bullshit attached. Amateur psychologist kicking in: Have you ever wondered who he was cheating on when he hooked up with you? I hope that doesn't sound crass, because I don't intend it that way. But I'd bet no small amount of my own money that you're not the first he's strung along. Best of luck to you.

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