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Old 02-09-2004, 09:00 PM   #31
xoxoxoBruce
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For instance, if your best friend says, "isn't my daughter cute?" and you think the child was hit with the ugly stick, you don't SAY so. That's needlessly cruel. There's no point in being needlessly cruel.
Hmmm, maybe that's the problem.
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Old 02-09-2004, 10:41 PM   #32
tw
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Originally posted by Brigliadore
Honesty is important in a relationship but there is a point where you cross the line. You don't tell your partner who has just spent 2 hours cooking a romantic meal that it was horrible. You don't tell them that the birthday present they got you (that they spent a week looking for to make sure it was perfect) was the worst thing you have ever received. Forgive me if I am wrong but this seems to be what you are telling us. You seem to be saying that if I tell my husband I loved a gift when maybe I didn't, that it makes me a shallow person.
I don't say the meal was horrible because if I could eat it, then it certainly was good. I'm just not that picky. Especially if you ate my cooking.

Very close friends recently bought a new shore house. His wife keeps asking me how I like the new digs (which she so loves that she bought it first and told him second). I tell her its comfortable, it practical, its friendly, its a nice house, it will be good this summer. (I also kept telling her when every hurricane was approaching). And then we move on to what it needs. Its not queen victoria's castle even though you might think it should be at that price. She does have some interseting ideas (too much time on HGTV). Not real good ideas yet because I have not seen them - and I say that. But a good compliment must really mean something; is not handed out like penny candy. On the other hand, they also know me.

Her house has a staircase that I fear will cause bodily harm someday. Every time we discuss this house, that is first comment. Some might immediately take offense at such a negative comment. More than anything else, I fear that one stair will create a broken leg - or worse. Am I talking negative? Not about a person. And she does not personally associate herself with that house. She doesn't personally take my staircase comments negatively (but that staircase should feel very insulted). Again, no one is hurt, or attacked - except that staircase that deserves a negative response.

I get this comment often - "when you say you really like something, then you really mean it". It goes the other way as well. With some aquaintences, I regard their compliments with no value because they compliment repeatedly. Some people's opinions don't mean squat - positive or negative - because they compliment with wild abandon. They could be politicians, or gold diggers, or whatever you want to call them. I just say they are OK. After all, they are not attacking someone for no valid reasons. They are different which makes them interesting. They are nice. It was nice to have them around. And I mean that. I don't tell them they will not make my inner circle. No reason to discuss it. No one insulted. No one hurt.

"Nothing you ever do is good enough for me" is just not what I say. As we live together, its good to be together. Maybe some would jump to the above quote if used to being complimented. But I just don't have those people regularly in my world. Again, I am not trying to be popular. Just a few good simple people is fine with me.

White lies? Unfortunately when I catch someone in a white lie, then the person is suspect as shallow. Nice person. Can be nice to have around on a big weekend so they can laugh at my bad jokes. Just not someone who will make my inner circle. And yes, some people do feel insulted by my demeanor - I suspect because they don't even bother to seriously ask for an opinion.

For a special people, I say "I love you" ... and they know I *really* mean it. They know how few get that comment. I guess I would not make a very good Hollywood star. It makes for a rather secure relationship.

But if caught in such serious situation, I tell it all. Others have said, "why did you also say that?" Maybe its my nature. But those in the inner circle must not be deceived.

I should add one additional point. A large group sat about one morning nursing severe hangovers and coffee. Rather surprised me. Everyone excet me had, at one point or another, cheated on tests in school. In hindsight, I guess I should not have been surprised. This may provide perspective to what I have posted here. I am no saint as demonstrated by a recent discussion between Lumberjim and myself - and a few other things you don't need to know. Furthermore I don't want to be a saint. But some people, because of who they are, deserve better consideration. That means telling the truth up front and now. If I did not, then I did not deserve those people. It is my obligation to them. As painful as the truth may be, it is my obligation.

Last edited by tw; 02-09-2004 at 10:45 PM.
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Old 02-10-2004, 12:22 AM   #33
Whit
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      I'm with TW on this one. It's easy to indulge in a "few white lies," but when are the lies no longer white? Tell someone their cooking is good when it blows and they might serve the same foul dish to their mother-in-law or someone else who might be looking for a chance to be insulting. Plus they might make again for you some time ...
Quote:
From Brig:
So your saying if your wife said "Man I'm starting to look old," you would say "yes you are"?
      Actually, I'd be more likely to say, "Hey, at least we look old together." I make such two edged comments frequently and usually get a slap (typically on the shoulder) and a smile. Point is, you don't have to lie to be polite. You don't have to lie make someone feel good.
      In the example of the ugly kid, I had to deal with that last year. In spades. I mean this kid just wasn't cute at all. Yet her parent thought she was the most beautiful child ever. I didn't agree, but I also didn't see a need to go "What are you stoned? You got one butt-ugly kid there." No point. Yet never once did I agree either. When pressed I would make noncommittal warning responses like, "No one has ever seen a more beautiful child than their own." Sounds enough like a quote I never got pressed further, and enough like I might not agree that the subject was dropped.
      No, you don't have to lie. If you have to lie to protect someone's feelings then that person must have some serious issues. Or maybe you do. Don't know, never found myself in such a situation.
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