Is he cripplingly shy, or gay?

[wolf]

Relationships, like anything else, are a skill. For some folks it's innate, for others it's a challenge. Even "people" persons need to put energy and work into a relationship to sustain it and help it grow and mature.

"Dwight" might just be the kind of person that's relatively comfortable alone, or has some very difficult to fulfill 'ideal partner' concept. If he's chugging along as-is, being happy, fine. If he's seeing not being attached as a major issue, and obsessing over it is causing him other problems in his work or personal life, then yeah, maybe some kind of intervention is warranted.

Your friend may or may not be gay. My gaydar's pretty good, but unless I'd get a face to face (not likely) I'm not even going to guess. But either way, he's your friend, and that's really what's important at the root of it all, yes?

[Undertoad]

I'd buy that - it seems like in most of us, desire runs deeper than shyness and we will do what we need to do to either get laid or get hitched. That's why there's beer. In a small number there isn't enough desire to override the personal issues.

[Griff]

Originally posted by Undertoad
That's why there's beer.

Ain't it the truth. I was desperately shy back in the day, but all it takes is a drunken one night stand gone bad and you're set for life.

[warch]

Sometimes it calls for tequilla.


But another aspect is the social transition from single to couple. As 'strami formalizes his pairing, the friend circles can shift. Heightens the desire to see others find their pair. And I think its a major identity/intimacy struggle for those hitched to lose (and mourn) their singleness- not just sex, but general independence. As George noted, worlds collide!

[hot_pastrami]

The dude is Mormon, so he won't even touch caffiiene drinks, let alone alcohol.

I'm not the type of guy to offer relationship-finding help without some indication from the person that he or she wants it. In fact, with this friend, it's the first time I've ever asked a girl out on someone else's behalf. In the past, I have directly asked him if he wanted my help, and he's accepted. I'm not just being Mr. Now-I-have-a-relationship-so-I-want-all-my-single-friends-to-have-one, I'm trying to help him resolve a problem which he is often describing... Note the sixth item in my original list:

6. He talks about wanting companionship, but does nothing about it.

...this "talk" I refer to is stuff along te lines of "why can't I find a girl?" and "I don't know why it's so hard to find someone." Well.... it helps if you'll actually talk to girls, or make occasional eye contact.... a smile in their direction would be a good start. Bah, nevermind. But to me, such statements do not indicate someone who is happy without companionship.

I can identify with him to a degree... I used to be shy. I used to be really, really, damn shy around girls, and a lot of people said I was more scared of girls than any other person they'd ever met. It would take all my courage to ask a girl out, and my mouth would dry up and my knees would feel funny and my own voice would sound distant inside my skull. After I asked them out and went on my way, I'd be nauseous for an hour. But I was able to make myself do it. In my early twenties something clicked in my head, and I realized that girls weren't scary, and for awhile I was a regular swinger, with 2-3 dates a week with different girls. I did some stupid things and got into trouble, but that's a story for another day.

But, I had my turn at the girls-are-terrifying thing, and despite that I managed to grow a pair once in a while and get a few dates anyway. My point is that I don't think shyness is the reason my friend won't ask girls out, at least not entirely.

[xoxoxoBruce]

but all it takes is a drunken one night stand gone bad and you're set for life.

Or upset for life.

If he's chugging along as-is, being happy, fine.

Until all your married or paired friends start to "treat you like a guest"

[Billy]

Maybe he doesn't dare to know his real feeling. He like gay love in heart bottom but he doesn't dare to show and do it because of fearing the out pressure. He can have this life if he feel ok. As you know, it is not easy to have gay love. He has his freedorm and right to chose.

[OnyxCougar]

I have a friend named Todd who is Mormon and was very active in the singles ward of the church. His situation was a little different, because he admitted to me that he "thinks" he's gay, but he dares not tell anyone about it, because it would break his mother's heart, embarass the family, and excommunicate him from the church, something his mother could never live down.

I asked him why he was going to the single's ward if he was gay, and he said that he was forcing himself to find a "nice mormon woman", get married, have a few kids, and that would be it.

He wants the kids, and the only way he can see to get them is to have the wife, even though he's not attracted to women.

I was flattered that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret, but still I tried to explain what was wrong with this course of action on so many levels. It didn't faze him.

That was 2 years ago. Now he insists he was never gay, he was just confused, and he's still looking for a nice girl to settle down with.

Go fig.

[juju]

Wow, it's amazing how many people this happens to. The desire to conform to society's expectations of you really can fuck up your life big time. It's like peer pressure on a massive scale.

Oh well, one more reason to hate the church.

[Odd_Bloke]

Originally posted by juju
Oh well, one more reason to hate the church.

The Mormon church. Nowt wrong with most of our British ones. Well, not AFAIK. Though I've never met a gay Christian, I think it is because Christians tend not to be gay (because I believe you cannot be born so).

[warch]

Hey I just remembered watching this film on POV a while ago, and I found a link to it. It was very moving about a Mormon woman who finds her husband dying of AIDs, contracted from a random male lover. They have two kids, She is infected.They are a strong family and stick together. The kids are not infected and the older son leave for his missionary work. They still try to be active in the church, but the man is excommunicated or whatever. He wrestles with his homosexuality to the end. Very interesting and heartbreaking how they deal with being told by their worship community that they'll get no compassion, no care, no love. And they show so much love in response which,in my opinion, puts the Mormons to shame.

The Smith Family

[wolf]

What you'll find is that there are a lot of gay christians who've separated from organized religion despite the "love the sinner, hate the sin" approach that many of the larger christian churches are espousing.

[darclauz]

Originally posted by windhund


My aunt kept hoping that he'd get married for the first 40 or so years of his life and then just gave up mentioning it.

I have an elderly aunt who used to wrinkle up her nose and say,"Johnny? He's a...bachelor."

[darclauz]

Originally posted by Odd_Bloke
The Mormon church. Nowt wrong with most of our British ones. Well, not AFAIK. Though I've never met a gay Christian, I think it is because Christians tend not to be gay (because I believe you cannot be born so).

I met a guy who was in seminary who told me he was a "southern baptist homosexual." I fully expected that uttering those words together would cause some kind of star trek-like disaster and we would all be buried in a matter-meets-anti-matter implosion, but nothing happened.

Still waiting for the other shoe to drop.