Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 15

Brett's Honey · 02-03-2006, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marichiko

Interesting that she refuses to continue.
Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well?Just something to think about.

She may change her mind, though, hopefully. One of the first stages of going through a major deal is denial. It could pass. Lookout, I do admire you for your patience and persistence. Keep on hanging in there! You don't know if it will all work out if you don't try, and you already have so much invested in this relationship - time, a child, your heart...and of course, there's her too. We don't know how much she is really hurting, it could be much more than she is willing to show, or admit to herself, much less to anyone else. I tried very hard to hide any pain and doubt when I decided that I "knew" I wanted to divorce my husband. At times, I regret the decision I made eight years ago. Ms. Lookout could very well be trying to do something that she would regret in time. Stay strong! You're doing fantastic!! And you will never regret that you tried your hardest.

chimmichunga · 02-06-2006, 05:37 PM

Good advice Brett's Honey's advice. Its hard to encourage someone to do something they don't want to do. All you can do is keep trying and see what you can make happen. But your doing a stand up job, and thats saying something. So good luck Mr. Lookout.

footfootfoot · 02-06-2006, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

snip apparently the only thing in the world wrong in her life is that she doesn't have time. no time to spend with LIttle Lookout. i remind her that i've been trying to get her to cut her hours drastically or quit working for some time - she freaks out about me wanting to force her into dependency so she will forever be trapped in a miserable marriage...

As you no doubt know, she will find some problem that cannot be solved to blame. it si the "yes, but" game. or catch 22. the only thing that can help is X, but that would mean Y, which is untenable.
I think you may have entered the "humor her" phase of this journey.

You sound like you are doing the right things. keep strong.

lookout123 · 02-07-2006, 11:27 PM

yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep".

she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grande. we had a great weekend until last night when we were packing to head back to phoenix. the claws came out and the "i need a divorce" chick was there.

she has told me a few times that she hasn't hired an attorney, etc. i knew she'd met with one a couple of times (she said once). he left a voicemail on our home number while we were gone. dumbass. i checked the voicemail and gave her the message. she visibly braced herself for the fight and then almost fell on her face when my only comment was "let me know what is going on with your attorney - i don't see any reason to pay courier fees just to have me officially served". she fell all over herself with the "i haven't decided anything... nothing has been discussed... i don't have a schedule..."

whatever. i don't know what the truth is and i probably never will. i'll meet with my attorney tomorrow to tie up some loose ends. i've written off all the money that i know is in savings (about 6 months pay! damn by the book financial planners

). neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support, i won't fight for the house, but it is a community property state so i'll get half the equity. unless her lawyer is a REAL sleezebag there isn't a whole lot to argue about.

of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce.

the worst part is the not knowing. it would be so much easier to put a bandage on the wound and tell her to draw up the divorce papers and get on with what life may bring me.

unfortunately, easier is not necessarily better. i still love her and will continue to fight for her as long as she is my wife.

Sun_Sparkz · 02-08-2006, 12:06 AM

damn it Lookout. you dont deserve this shit.

FallenFairy · 02-08-2006, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

...neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce...

My concern would be little Lookout - if she is presenting emotional/chemical/psych problems, then the question of NOT jeopardizing the little one could become sticky.... How can anyone be sure in that type of situation? Is she claiming that the behaviour she exhibits is caused solely by her desires to have a new life? Does she act out in front of Little Lookout?
Often times when we are unhappy with ourselves we tend to blame everyone and everything around us for our problems.
Have you considered a possible bi-polar or depression issue? My ex was bi-polar and some of what you write seems eerily familiar...

Clodfobble · 02-08-2006, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody.

She's gotten a psych eval that we can reasonably assume is abnormal. That jeapordizes custody in a big way if you call the psychiatrist to testify.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support,

I'm assuming you're differentiating between alimony and child support, right? Because the parent with primary custody could make a million dollars a week and the non-custodial parent would still owe child support.

Keep fighting the good fight, man.

wolf · 02-08-2006, 01:14 PM

Recently diagnosed mental illness, or even a longstanding history of mental illness does not negatively impact custody unless there have been clear child endangerment issues related to the illness.

(I know a lot of people that shouldn't be raising corn, much less kids that retain custody.)

lookout123 · 02-08-2006, 07:23 PM

according to the attorney if i am stroking the checks for tuition, medical, etc directly, i won't be paying her a dime and she won't pay me anything.

the psych eval is not completed because she hasn't finished her interviews - but either way there is no criminal conduct so there is no reason to drag the psychologist into court.

Clodfobble · 02-08-2006, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

(I know a lot of people that shouldn't be raising corn, much less kids that retain custody.)

Retain custody from the state, or retain custody from their demonstrably sane, employed and upstanding ex?

02-08-2006, 08:28 PM

Lookout, I have an acquaintance who is going through a nasty custody battle with his ex wife who has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder. The psychological evaluation of her has played a major factor in the court's decision making process, and it looks as though this man will be awarded full custody of his kids, so don't automatically discount any psych evaluations that your wife might ultimately recieve.

I gotta agree with Clodfobble - sure there's lots of folks running around who shouldn't even be allowed to raise a colony of bacteria on a petri dish and still have kids, but most of those folks do not have children with a responsible other parent who fought them for custody.

If a friend had made the following statements to you over the past couple of months, what would you advise him to do on behalf of both himself and his son?

Quote:

they both go out a lot and party though. for a year or so she would meet with some of the ladies from church for a Bible study. as boring as those chicks were i have to admit, that she has never had her head screwed on tighter than she was then. she quit that earlier this year, right about the time she started hanging out with the work chicks more, started smoking again, and drinking a little more. there is some history of substance abuse so i'm really just hoping and praying that we aren't back there...

it is hard for her to even keep a normal schedule...

my expectation is that she won't be home before the bars close, cross-eyed, mean drunk. spoiling for a fight. just a guess...

she got home at 2 last night, my sister driving her. apparently, she was going above and beyond trying to get attention from any random guy last night. when she got home she was bitching that she has lost her ability to judge age. i asked why and she says that she thought everybody at the bar was her age, but they were all 22-27. i then pointed out the obvious - most 34 year olds aren't hanging out in cheesy danceclubs until 2 in the morning. she was a little pissed...

bad bad night. we were with another couple and she got smashed, although she says she barely has a buzz. not too many 122 lb girls can drink 14 beers in a 5 hour period and only be a "little buzzed"...

cruel. insulting. provocative. she brought up an incident from 6 years ago that has been long settled. except now she says that i've never told her the truth. she has known exactly what happened since shortly after the event - but apparently has recently decided i'm lying.

well, she hasn't said anything substantial or even looked at me in a day and a half now. that would be the time when i let her know that i've gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house (including my favorite bottle of scotch ) and that we will not be bringing anymore alcohol in. i am well aware that she can drink when she is not around me and this doesn't solve anything but i think was a fairly symbolic slap across the face and notice that some of this crap is over - right here and now...

then she said that she, of course, would need to keep the house so our son can have the continuity of living in the same home. it literally tore me apart to see her reaction when i asked if she really thought i was just going to be a weekend dad and leave him with her...

she mentioned that she had consulted a lawyer on monday (the day after i threw out all the alcohol)...

yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep"

she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grand...

the psych eval is not completed because she hasn't finished her interviews - but either way there is no criminal conduct so there is no reason to drag the psychologist into court...

he basically said that YES he has identified something real, significant, treatable...

Earth to Lookout: The woman has a serious drinking problem and should not have sole custody of a 4 year old boy. Fight for your son with all the ammunition at your disposal!

lookout123 · 02-08-2006, 08:50 PM

no one is talking about sole custody - for me or her. at this point we have tentatively agreed upon me picking him up from school on tuesday and keeping him until saturday at 3 when she gets off work. with occasionally picking him up for a few hours after school on friday afternoons. that means that majority of the time would be with me.

that also means that if she chooses to continue pretending she is 22 she can party all she wants tuesday through friday.

it isn't perfect, but know court would award sole custody to me and honestly i don't want her to be pushed out of his life. he loves his mother. unless there is a genuine concern for his safety then i won't battle over that.

wolf · 02-09-2006, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

Retain custody from the state, or retain custody from their demonstrably sane, employed and upstanding ex?

both

lookout123 · 02-11-2006, 11:31 PM

hey all you legal experts - i need some info pretty quickly... does it matter who serves who with divorce papers? does it matter what the initial decree says? or is it just a starting point for negotiations with no real lasting importance.

i have my reasons for not wanting to be the one to file, but i know that i am going to be served some time this week or early next week. the terms in the decree are not what was previously discussed. if this is important i'm going to need to get into my lawyer's office first thing monday morning to, for lack of a better term - "strike first". i really don't want to do that.

Beestie · 02-12-2006, 12:27 AM

First off, I'm not a legal expert. I don't know anything about the law other than to know that the law does not necessarily follow the path you think it would. Our legal system is based on English common law meaning that case history becomes incorporated into the interpretation of statutory law. That is to say that prior court decisions are given great deference in deciding subsequent cases. This can produce justice or, in some cases, injustice. Do not make the mistake of thinking that the specifics of your situation will outweigh the effect of prior decisions rendered in cases similar to yours but which, when applied to your case, would produce a counterintuitive outcome.

I have done everything but beg you to hire a lawyer. Hire a goddamn lawyer and leave the tough questions to them. There is much at stake and you have, in my legally ignorant opinion, the upper hand. Do not piss it away by playing softball.

Trust me. If you continue to play nice, you are in for a royal asswhoopin.

02-08-2006, 12:06 AM	#215
Sun_Sparkz Has Body Temperature Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I come from a land downunder Posts: 1,105	damn it Lookout. you dont deserve this shit. __________________ We'll never be as young as we are right now

02-08-2006, 01:14 PM	#218
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Recently diagnosed mental illness, or even a longstanding history of mental illness does not negatively impact custody unless there have been clear child endangerment issues related to the illness. (I know a lot of people that shouldn't be raising corn, much less kids that retain custody.) __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

02-12-2006, 12:27 AM	#225
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	First off, I'm not a legal expert. I don't know anything about the law other than to know that the law does not necessarily follow the path you think it would. Our legal system is based on English common law meaning that case history becomes incorporated into the interpretation of statutory law. That is to say that prior court decisions are given great deference in deciding subsequent cases. This can produce justice or, in some cases, injustice. Do not make the mistake of thinking that the specifics of your situation will outweigh the effect of prior decisions rendered in cases similar to yours but which, when applied to your case, would produce a counterintuitive outcome. I have done everything but beg you to hire a lawyer. Hire a goddamn lawyer and leave the tough questions to them. There is much at stake and you have, in my legally ignorant opinion, the upper hand. Do not piss it away by playing softball. Trust me. If you continue to play nice, you are in for a royal asswhoopin. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

02-06-2006, 05:37 PM	#212
chimmichunga Soylent Greenhorn Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Central Texas Posts: 25	Good advice Brett's Honey's advice. Its hard to encourage someone to do something they don't want to do. All you can do is keep trying and see what you can make happen. But your doing a stand up job, and thats saying something. So good luck Mr. Lookout.

02-07-2006, 11:27 PM	#214
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	yeah. don't know what to say. we had a long ago scheduled family vacation in disneyland from friday until earlier today. obviously with all that is going on and not going on that should have logically been cancelled. mrs lookout begged everyone (my family) to carry on, so we did. we were to leave mid afternoon on friday after she got off work. late afternoon we still hadn't heard from her. she came home smashed. she had left work and went to the PGA event. she was spoiling for a fight but i held my temper and calmly told her that i was disappointed she would have so little respect for me, our family, etc. i told her she could stay home or climb in the truck to head to disney - her choice. either way, the rest of us were going because i wasn't going to disappoint little lookout. she got in the truck and "went to sleep". she woke up pretending nothing had happened and life was grande. we had a great weekend until last night when we were packing to head back to phoenix. the claws came out and the "i need a divorce" chick was there. she has told me a few times that she hasn't hired an attorney, etc. i knew she'd met with one a couple of times (she said once). he left a voicemail on our home number while we were gone. dumbass. i checked the voicemail and gave her the message. she visibly braced herself for the fight and then almost fell on her face when my only comment was "let me know what is going on with your attorney - i don't see any reason to pay courier fees just to have me officially served". she fell all over herself with the "i haven't decided anything... nothing has been discussed... i don't have a schedule..." whatever. i don't know what the truth is and i probably never will. i'll meet with my attorney tomorrow to tie up some loose ends. i've written off all the money that i know is in savings (about 6 months pay! damn by the book financial planners ). neither of us has done anything to jeopardize custody. she makes as much as i do, so no spousal support, i won't fight for the house, but it is a community property state so i'll get half the equity. unless her lawyer is a REAL sleezebag there isn't a whole lot to argue about. of course, i still want to repair the marriage and get her professional help for what seems like an obvious emotional/chemical/psych problem - and i will continue to pay for that if she is willing to seek help rather than file for divorce. the worst part is the not knowing. it would be so much easier to put a bandage on the wound and tell her to draw up the divorce papers and get on with what life may bring me. unfortunately, easier is not necessarily better. i still love her and will continue to fight for her as long as she is my wife.

02-08-2006, 07:23 PM	#219
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	according to the attorney if i am stroking the checks for tuition, medical, etc directly, i won't be paying her a dime and she won't pay me anything. the psych eval is not completed because she hasn't finished her interviews - but either way there is no criminal conduct so there is no reason to drag the psychologist into court.

02-08-2006, 08:50 PM	#222
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	no one is talking about sole custody - for me or her. at this point we have tentatively agreed upon me picking him up from school on tuesday and keeping him until saturday at 3 when she gets off work. with occasionally picking him up for a few hours after school on friday afternoons. that means that majority of the time would be with me. that also means that if she chooses to continue pretending she is 22 she can party all she wants tuesday through friday. it isn't perfect, but know court would award sole custody to me and honestly i don't want her to be pushed out of his life. he loves his mother. unless there is a genuine concern for his safety then i won't battle over that.

02-11-2006, 11:31 PM	#224
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	hey all you legal experts - i need some info pretty quickly... does it matter who serves who with divorce papers? does it matter what the initial decree says? or is it just a starting point for negotiations with no real lasting importance. i have my reasons for not wanting to be the one to file, but i know that i am going to be served some time this week or early next week. the terms in the decree are not what was previously discussed. if this is important i'm going to need to get into my lawyer's office first thing monday morning to, for lack of a better term - "strike first". i really don't want to do that.

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