this is Mr. StaceyV

[Beestie]

Passive aggression makes no one happy and is inherently decieptful at its core, imho.

Better to say: "Woman, I need some time with my peeps so back off."

Passive aggression is definitely not a long-term solution to the party who deploys it in response to a perceived inequity in the relationship. The power it seeks to subvert will surely be brought to bear against it resulting in a vicious cycle of "control"/"subvert"/"control more"/"subvert more." Nip it in the bud and stand your ground from the get go then you never have to worry about it again. Turf staked out is turf maintained. Just my $.02.

[Elionwyr]

Originally posted by staceyv
MY FINAL THOUGHTS ON THIS:


Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need?

yes, with the one exception.(trust issues)

Which is a HUGE issue.
Do not underestimate it.
I'm agreeing with the others. If there's one part of this equation you can't accept, you're going to keep on being unhappy.

...i have distanced myself sooo much, but i want to wait and see what time will heal, and i want to see what his efforts are. and i know that i'll come around soon enough and start being nice, because he has that effect on me. it hurts me to be cold to him....

It's NOT that easy to come back from being distant.
It will become a Very Large Issue in your relationship, if it's not already.

Conversely, if you keep changing your mind - "I'm distant and cold because you've hurt me but I love you so I'm going to be nice now" - that not only creates more problems in the relationship, it also keeps the cycle going.

As I said - been there, done that, have a nice lil' place of my own now.

But if you want to talk offline at any point, please feel free to PM me.

Good luck!

[Brigliadore]

Originally posted by staceyv
Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need?
yes, with the one exception.(trust issues)

This answer tells me that you don't have the answer to my question yet. But thats ok. No one said you needed the answer today. As long as you keep this question (Is the type of love he can give, the type of love I want and need?) in your mind then at some point the answer will become clear. It will be a yes or no answer with no exceptions or buts attached. I applaud you Stacy for trying to stick this out. Perhaps the relationship can be salvaged, and only by staying can you find that out. But I ask that you maintain a sense of reality through all the working out so that you don't stay longer then you need to. The one issue you mention as being a problem in the relationship (the trust) may well be the one thing he cant change. As under toad said, maybe he is passive aggressive. That doesn't make him a dick, but it does mean he may not be able to change that. Therapy may help, for a while but I suspect he will revert to his old ways after some time has passed. This is the part that worries me. I worry that he will change for the time being, you will go back to being happy and a year or two down the road you will be facing these exact same problems. By then you have invested several more years in the marriage and it will be ever harder to leave. And what if that time he doesn't want to go to therapy again? These things are not something I can answer for you. Only you can know when you are happy, and only you can judge (if/when the time comes) when you need to get out of the marriage. I do wish you luck on whatever the outcome is.

[OnyxCougar]

Stacy will stay until she has had enough. Nothing anyone can say to her will change that. No amount of reasoning, counseling, therapy or anything else will change her mind. She knows what is wrong, she knows what the reasonable course of action is, and she will either not take it at all and get herself into a worse position or something will happen and it will cause her to "have enough" and then it's over. Nothing we can do to speed it along.

Either way, I'm done with the advice portion of the program. I just keep saying the same things over and over. So if you want to hear more of my advice, just re-read my posts.

Good luck.

[wolf]

Originally posted by staceyv
wolf, you obviously missed the part on page 10 where i posted his point of view.

YOU posted "his" point of view.

let's see ... that, plus the little bit he posted himself, that makes, as of right this minute ....

What, like three and a half posts out of 344?

Balanced.

yeah.

[ladysycamore]

Originally posted by perth

You're right. I take back calling him a dick. But I stand by the rest, for now.

Well then, I'll say it: He's acting *like* a dick. His behavior is deplorable. The only thing that I can say for him is that at least he's admitted it. HOWEVER, if he KNOWS that he's this way, then he damned well should not BE with anyone until he's able to change (or at least control himself better). All he's doing is screwing up Stacey's head up, and stressing her out and making her question a lot of things. IMO, she's using up vital energy that she could be putting to better use...like to heal herself and make herself stronger in order to face what the world is going to throw at her (and boy oh boy, we could all use a titanium backbone to deal with the crazy ass world today!!!).

Basically, it sounds like the trust in him is withering away. He definitely needs to regain her trust, and IMO, she needs to be away from him to do that.

[perth]

Originally posted by ladysycamore
Well then, I'll say it: He's acting *like* a dick.

That's a subtle, but important difference.

[kerosene]

Originally posted by perth

That's a subtle, but important difference.

Sounds to me like both apply. Yes, he is acting like a dick. And from the sounds of it (based on Stacey's comments) he has been acting like a dick for a long time. So, at what point is he actually a dick? Maybe he is an occasional dick...or a non-dick with dickish tendencies. /shrug.

[lumberjim]

I heard that his favorite author was DICKens, that he likes to DICKtate letters, and He collects DICK Tracy comics. But i could be wrong. beats the dickens outta me. dickjab.

How is he a dick? let me count the ways.....


if it looks like a dick, and smells like a dick, it must be a dick

[kerosene]

Originally posted by lumberjim
I heard that his favorite author was DICKens, that he likes to DICKtate letters, and He collects DICK Tracy comics. But i could be wrong. beats the dickens outta me. dickjab.

How is he a dick? let me count the ways.....


if it looks like a dick, and smells like a dick, it must be a dick

You dick.

[zippyt]

No This is Mr.StaceyV,

[zippyt]

He looks SO enthused to be getting married to StaceyV,

[Sun_Sparkz]

yeah but she looks fabulous!

[farfromhome]

It's been brought up before.But Stacey and Arsen look EXACTLY as I imagined them.Stacey,you look a little like Marisa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinnie".

[Beestie]

Arsen. Dude. We need to have a looooooooooooooooooooong chat.