Humor...I Need Humor...

[lumberjim]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS

[lumberjim]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter she explained that she had slept with two guys
while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with
him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his girl friend with the
following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove
your picture and send the rest back."

[funkykule]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALITY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

[lumberjim]

The Barmaid

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe
this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[wolf]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

[BrianR]

How to Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.



2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.



4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.



5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.



8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



10. Rinse conditioner off hair.



11. Shave armpits and legs.



12. Turn off shower.



13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.



14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.



16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.



17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





How to Shower Like a Man



1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.



2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Wash your face.



6. Wash your armpits.



7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.



9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



11. Shampoo your hair.



12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



13. Pee.



14. Rinse off and get out of shower.



15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.



16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.



17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.



18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.



19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[BrianR]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[mrnoodle]

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

[wolf]

No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)

[Troubleshooter]

Originally posted by wolf
No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)

The extra bangs are a litigation prevention measure.

[lumberjim]

Confessions of a closet carb fiend:

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about
taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin
bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought
appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as ''DO
NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER.''

But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be
shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.

I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a
lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp
blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a ''record'' was a
primitive co! mpact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when
the mood was right, somebody would say: ''You wanna do some 'drates?'' And
the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or
crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just ... EAT them.

I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not
like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually
every product is advertised as being ''low-carb,'' including beer, denture
adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no
idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!

Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all
carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown
Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man
armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. (''Do what he says! He has
pasta!'') ! The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month
because of reports -- false, thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a
bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of
carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating
''calories,'' which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste
good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which
we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building
material, and grapefruit, which is nutritious, but offers the same level of
culinary satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.

The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to
it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no
biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire
bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost
weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation,
turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr.
Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight gain --
including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted
in a laboratory rat the size of a Plymouth Voyager -- Dr. Atkins discovered
an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates,
which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high
speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts.

Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that -- incredible though it seemed -- as long
as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat,
high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You
could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to
bread.

At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galil! eo and Eminem, Dr.
Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods industry
went after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to
-- yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police
determined to be shards of Melba toast.

But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream -- a dream that, some day,
he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he
did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an
incident that the autopsy report listed as ''totally unrelated to the
undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach.''

But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight.
The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have,
as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as
far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still
sneaki! ng Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?

[Happy Monkey]

Hey! Give my man Dave Barry some credit!

[lumberjim]

ah, so .....
it was sent to me in an email.....not credited.

good eye, HM

[lumberjim]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fucken didn't"

[wolf]

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal Democrat."