Step-life

kerosene · 06-30-2010, 09:56 PM

How do most step-parents deal with their duties as a step-parent? Do your kids call you some form of Mom, or by your first name? Do you participate in their activities with your spouse or not? Do you enforce any of the household rules, or leave it to the "real" parent?

I think being a step-mom is like trying to feed a rabid dog. You can feed the dog, yes and if you do, you might get your hand bit off, or not, but either way, people don't typically understand your struggle. There is very little in the way of acknowledgment that goes with being a step-parent, the way a bio-parent gets it. If you are too nice to your step-kids, their bio-mom tries to demonize you, so she doesn't have to share her kids with you. If you are not nice enough, she coddles her kids as to "protect" them. Either way, you are the enemy.

This probably isn't defining of every step-parent's dramatized life, but it has been pretty much the case for me. I love all my kids, but it can be tough at times.

zippyt · 06-30-2010, 10:30 PM

It aint easy ,
ALL ways take the high road ,
Don't Play Moms games ,
Don't put up with " Well My MOTHER Said I don't have to do what you say !!"
Dad can Help with that , or do what I did , Pack their bag saying " then You cant live here " My wife and her EX worked it out and the Child Appoligised ,
These Kids are as Much Your responsibility as they are you husbands , so house hold rules DO Apply , Warn first ( they Need to Know you are Serious ) , then deal with it ,

hang in there

monster · 06-30-2010, 10:36 PM

I was a step-child. I didn't like most of my step-parents, but I didn't hate them. Thing is, I was older and was so alienated from my parents by the time they finally split up and remarried that I probably didn't like them any less than my bio parents.

My younger sister played the steps off agaianst the bios, I didn't, but I sure as hell wouldn't take any rules the steps laid down if they were stricter than the bios.

What they did wrong:

1) try to impose their morality/religion on me. My stepmom believed a woman's place was in the kitchen. She never wore trousers, lerned to drive or pick up a screwdriver -those were man things.
2) not be interested in us and what we did, what we really cared about -just in what we did that pleased our bio parent
3) Show prefeenceto their bio children. OF COURSE you love them more. It's natural. But it still fucking hurts to feel second class. Especially when out bio is fawning all over their offspring...

What they did right
1) realize from the start that I'm not touchy-feely/huggy-kissy and not try to force that oneme as so many steps of my peers did.
2) Not try to buy us.

lumberjim · 06-30-2010, 11:04 PM

I have a step father in law. I call him Geeky.

kerosene · 07-01-2010, 12:59 AM

These perspectives are so helpful. Zippy, yes, the high road is usually best. Sometimes the bio-mom's games get in my head and I start second guessing everything. Thanks for the advice.

Monster, thank you for lending your perspective based on your experience. The third thing you mentioned about not favoring the bio child is something I have been conscious of since day one. I worry about seeming to be favoring him incessantly, and I end up being harder on him than on my step children. But, I still hear that I am favoring him. It is kind of a constant challenge, but I work on it. The second thing, about being interested in what they are into I have not been so good about. I get a little obsessive about step-daughter becoming too much like her mother...so I try not to give much attention to the stuff that I think is like her bio-mom. I do this subconsciously, because I don't want to be like that. I have more to add, but I will have to do it later. Thank you, again, Monster. I should have started this thread sooner.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-01-2010, 01:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerosene

I worry about seeming to be favoring him incessantly, and I end up being harder on him than on my step children. But, I still hear that I am favoring him.

Maybe what you view as being harder on him, is viewed by her as more attention to him? Just guessing here.

Chocolatl · 07-01-2010, 08:07 AM

Kerosene, you asked in your opening post about whether to participate in activities with the kids, and as a step-kid I can report I appreciate both.

My parents got divorced when I was in high school, and my dad quickly remarried. When I first met my stepmother, it felt like she was there ALL THE TIME, and my dad expected us to accept her instantly and unconditionally. Eventually I blurted out that just because my dad was married to her didn't mean I wanted to be, and Dad got the message after that. It took me a while to warm up to her, and we built the relationship over time by mixing "family time" with just-Dad time. I liked the mix because the "family time" showed that she cared about building a relationship with me, but I wasn't smothered in a forced bond I wasn't ready for.

It was also complex for us because my dad remarried a younger woman (she is a decade older than I am and a decade younger than my dad is). Defining the role a 25 year old stepmom fills for a 15 year old girl was messy, and with time we've settled in to one of friendship instead of mother-daughter.

Clodfobble · 07-01-2010, 08:52 AM

I had a stepfather who I despised with every ounce of my being, and a stepmother I loved. But honestly, a lot of why I liked her was she wasn't my stepfather. Anyway, at least my stepfather taught me a whole lot about how not to be a stepparent...

My role as a stepmom is a little different than yours because biomom is certifiably insane, and it's better for everyone, including the kids, if there are no attempts to co-parent or even communicate beyond basic information about what's going on with the kids. So we don't concern ourselves with what she thinks or says about us. Like you said, no matter what you do, you are the enemy. She used to outright talk badly about us to the kids, but over the last few years she's figured out that's only driving her daughter away from her, so she's tried to be more subtle--for example, she'll tell the kids it's a dad weekend when it isn't, get them all packed and ready to go, then when we don't show up to get them, she'll play it off like she's so sorry, she feels so bad for them that dad is so unreliable and doesn't want to spend his time with them... Fortunately, my stepdaughter caught on very quickly, and mentioned it to us. But all we could do was take the extreme high road: we just shook our heads and said, "Well, I'm not sure why your mom would get confused about the weekends, but here, let's get you a printed schedule so you can help her." The stepdaughter has figured out on her own that her mother is being a manipulative bitch, so it's better for us not to reinforce it. We just shrug off everything her mother says or does as being mysteriously inexplicable. Kids become adults, and they will see the truth of a situation eventually.

As to rules and activities, for us it's always been a completely united front. All rules are jointly enforced, and if one has to make a rule on the spot the other always has to back them up, at least until the rule can be jointly changed. We did agree early on that he needs to handle all major discipline events for them, to make sure they don't use it as an excuse to demonize me. We do most activities all together. There might be a special activity with just dad or me, but it will be for only one kid, not the two stepkids versus the two biological kids.

When I first married their dad someone gave me a book called "Making the Best of Second Best." I can't remember much about what it said, other than the general idea that you have to just accept the fact that even if your stepkids do love you, and even if they don't actually like their mom, in their hearts she will still be their mother, and nothing will ever change that. You have to expect to be second-best from the very start, and then you won't be disappointed or frustrated when you inevitably are.

monster · 07-01-2010, 08:56 AM

Sorry about the typos last night...after that post I only just made it into bed before I fell asleep. long day!

It is tough and like Bruce says being tough on your bio children can be viewed as giving them more attention. I do the same when I'm teaching and my kids are in the group.

What sort of things is she into that's too much like bio mom? Wearing too much make-up -that sort of thing? You do risk alienating her if you seem to automatically shut down/shut her out when she talks about her bio mom or things they do together, but I'm not sure if that's what you're saying is happening?

monster · 07-01-2010, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

she'll tell the kids it's a dad weekend when it isn't, get them all packed and ready to go, then when we don't show up to get them, she'll play it off like she's so sorry, she feels so bad for them that dad is so unreliable and doesn't want to spend his time with them... .

My mom did this too!

classicman · 07-01-2010, 10:11 AM

Well "step-dad" that no one liked is bailing after only 3 years ... Good Riddance asshole.

Things are eerily similar, yet different here. I can't put my finger on it at the moment. This is a great thread - I gotta think some more when I'm not quite as busy.
Thanks for the insight. You guys/gals have given me a little more comfort in so far as I'm not the only one dealing with this crap and some great insight from both side of the issue.

Aliantha · 07-01-2010, 07:41 PM

I'm not a step parent myself, but Dazza (my husband is). He is a pretty good step parent I think, and my two older boys love him as if he were their own father, even though he didn't come into their lives till they were in school. Their bio father is pretty unreliable (and always was which is why we separated in large part), but Dazza and I have just gotten used to being happy for the boys when they get to see their Dad, but none of us worries too much about when he's not around simply because we've grown used to that being the norm. We have a pretty good relationship with him though, which helps the kids feel more secure about their feelings for all of us.

I'm really glad that Dazza is so patient with us all. It's a huge burden taking on a step family, but it can work out if everyone wants it to, and for us, it's been great.

eta: I thought I should mention that we have issues just like any other family, and of course the kids step out of line every now and then. When that happens, usually Dazza and I discuss the punishment, but I'm the one who delivers the verdict and does most of the talking about why. I think this helps with the whole step family thing and reduces any conflict arising from 'you're not my father' type accusations, which fortunately we've never had to hear.

kerosene · 07-01-2010, 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

My role as a stepmom is a little different than yours because biomom is certifiably insane, and it's better for everyone, including the kids, if there are no attempts to co-parent or even communicate beyond basic information about what's going on with the kids.

Actually, this is pretty much exactly how it is, here. right down to the manipulation and trying to make Dad look like a bad guy. We try to take the high road as much as possible. The most frustrating thing she does is try to convince sd that she (sd) does not want to be here.

Bruce, you may be on to something. They probably do pick up on my tendency to overcompensate. And I know that is not good for bio-son, but I am probably over-obsessing.

Monster, the biggest issue I have is this religious group her mom belongs to. In fact, all of my inlaws and her relatives are part of this (scarily close to cultishness.) She will absolutely not allow her to cut her hair, wear jewelry, etc. But that isn't the problem. Where I get annoyed is when the obvious judgment comes in. SD doesn't see it, because it is so much a part of her other lifestyle, but it makes me want to cry. These people are so absolute. They treat people outside their group with so little respect. I still try to take the high road with this, too, but it is definitely heartbreaking to watch as this unfolds.

Thanks to all of you adding to this thread. Your responses are truly giving me perspective and even some relief.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-02-2010, 12:22 AM

Ouija boards, and magic 8 balls, are fake. Take satisfaction in knowing, you're doing the best you can.

monster · 07-02-2010, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerosene

Where I get annoyed is when the obvious judgment comes in. SD doesn't see it, because it is so much a part of her other lifestyle, but it makes me want to cry. These people are so absolute. They treat people outside their group with so little respect. I still try to take the high road with this, too, but it is definitely heartbreaking to watch as this unfolds..

Judgment by her of you/your family, or of her by others in the group for associating with you?

06-30-2010, 09:56 PM	#1
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Step-life How do most step-parents deal with their duties as a step-parent? Do your kids call you some form of Mom, or by your first name? Do you participate in their activities with your spouse or not? Do you enforce any of the household rules, or leave it to the "real" parent? I think being a step-mom is like trying to feed a rabid dog. You can feed the dog, yes and if you do, you might get your hand bit off, or not, but either way, people don't typically understand your struggle. There is very little in the way of acknowledgment that goes with being a step-parent, the way a bio-parent gets it. If you are too nice to your step-kids, their bio-mom tries to demonize you, so she doesn't have to share her kids with you. If you are not nice enough, she coddles her kids as to "protect" them. Either way, you are the enemy. This probably isn't defining of every step-parent's dramatized life, but it has been pretty much the case for me. I love all my kids, but it can be tough at times.

06-30-2010, 10:30 PM	#2
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	It aint easy , ALL ways take the high road , Don't Play Moms games , Don't put up with " Well My MOTHER Said I don't have to do what you say !!" Dad can Help with that , or do what I did , Pack their bag saying " then You cant live here " My wife and her EX worked it out and the Child Appoligised , These Kids are as Much Your responsibility as they are you husbands , so house hold rules DO Apply , Warn first ( they Need to Know you are Serious ) , then deal with it , hang in there __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

06-30-2010, 10:36 PM	#3
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I was a step-child. I didn't like most of my step-parents, but I didn't hate them. Thing is, I was older and was so alienated from my parents by the time they finally split up and remarried that I probably didn't like them any less than my bio parents. My younger sister played the steps off agaianst the bios, I didn't, but I sure as hell wouldn't take any rules the steps laid down if they were stricter than the bios. What they did wrong: 1) try to impose their morality/religion on me. My stepmom believed a woman's place was in the kitchen. She never wore trousers, lerned to drive or pick up a screwdriver -those were man things. 2) not be interested in us and what we did, what we really cared about -just in what we did that pleased our bio parent 3) Show prefeenceto their bio children. OF COURSE you love them more. It's natural. But it still fucking hurts to feel second class. Especially when out bio is fawning all over their offspring... What they did right 1) realize from the start that I'm not touchy-feely/huggy-kissy and not try to force that oneme as so many steps of my peers did. 2) Not try to buy us. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-30-2010, 11:04 PM	#4
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I have a step father in law. I call him Geeky. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-01-2010, 08:52 AM	#8
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I had a stepfather who I despised with every ounce of my being, and a stepmother I loved. But honestly, a lot of why I liked her was she wasn't my stepfather. Anyway, at least my stepfather taught me a whole lot about how not to be a stepparent... My role as a stepmom is a little different than yours because biomom is certifiably insane, and it's better for everyone, including the kids, if there are no attempts to co-parent or even communicate beyond basic information about what's going on with the kids. So we don't concern ourselves with what she thinks or says about us. Like you said, no matter what you do, you are the enemy. She used to outright talk badly about us to the kids, but over the last few years she's figured out that's only driving her daughter away from her, so she's tried to be more subtle--for example, she'll tell the kids it's a dad weekend when it isn't, get them all packed and ready to go, then when we don't show up to get them, she'll play it off like she's so sorry, she feels so bad for them that dad is so unreliable and doesn't want to spend his time with them... Fortunately, my stepdaughter caught on very quickly, and mentioned it to us. But all we could do was take the extreme high road: we just shook our heads and said, "Well, I'm not sure why your mom would get confused about the weekends, but here, let's get you a printed schedule so you can help her." The stepdaughter has figured out on her own that her mother is being a manipulative bitch, so it's better for us not to reinforce it. We just shrug off everything her mother says or does as being mysteriously inexplicable. Kids become adults, and they will see the truth of a situation eventually. As to rules and activities, for us it's always been a completely united front. All rules are jointly enforced, and if one has to make a rule on the spot the other always has to back them up, at least until the rule can be jointly changed. We did agree early on that he needs to handle all major discipline events for them, to make sure they don't use it as an excuse to demonize me. We do most activities all together. There might be a special activity with just dad or me, but it will be for only one kid, not the two stepkids versus the two biological kids. When I first married their dad someone gave me a book called "Making the Best of Second Best." I can't remember much about what it said, other than the general idea that you have to just accept the fact that even if your stepkids do love you, and even if they don't actually like their mom, in their hearts she will still be their mother, and nothing will ever change that. You have to expect to be second-best from the very start, and then you won't be disappointed or frustrated when you inevitably are. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-01-2010, 12:59 AM	#5
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	These perspectives are so helpful. Zippy, yes, the high road is usually best. Sometimes the bio-mom's games get in my head and I start second guessing everything. Thanks for the advice. Monster, thank you for lending your perspective based on your experience. The third thing you mentioned about not favoring the bio child is something I have been conscious of since day one. I worry about seeming to be favoring him incessantly, and I end up being harder on him than on my step children. But, I still hear that I am favoring him. It is kind of a constant challenge, but I work on it. The second thing, about being interested in what they are into I have not been so good about. I get a little obsessive about step-daughter becoming too much like her mother...so I try not to give much attention to the stuff that I think is like her bio-mom. I do this subconsciously, because I don't want to be like that. I have more to add, but I will have to do it later. Thank you, again, Monster. I should have started this thread sooner.

07-01-2010, 08:07 AM	#7
Chocolatl Glutton for Gluttony Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Tampa, FL Posts: 1,409	Kerosene, you asked in your opening post about whether to participate in activities with the kids, and as a step-kid I can report I appreciate both. My parents got divorced when I was in high school, and my dad quickly remarried. When I first met my stepmother, it felt like she was there ALL THE TIME, and my dad expected us to accept her instantly and unconditionally. Eventually I blurted out that just because my dad was married to her didn't mean I wanted to be, and Dad got the message after that. It took me a while to warm up to her, and we built the relationship over time by mixing "family time" with just-Dad time. I liked the mix because the "family time" showed that she cared about building a relationship with me, but I wasn't smothered in a forced bond I wasn't ready for. It was also complex for us because my dad remarried a younger woman (she is a decade older than I am and a decade younger than my dad is). Defining the role a 25 year old stepmom fills for a 15 year old girl was messy, and with time we've settled in to one of friendship instead of mother-daughter.

07-01-2010, 08:56 AM	#9
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Sorry about the typos last night...after that post I only just made it into bed before I fell asleep. long day! It is tough and like Bruce says being tough on your bio children can be viewed as giving them more attention. I do the same when I'm teaching and my kids are in the group. What sort of things is she into that's too much like bio mom? Wearing too much make-up -that sort of thing? You do risk alienating her if you seem to automatically shut down/shut her out when she talks about her bio mom or things they do together, but I'm not sure if that's what you're saying is happening? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

07-01-2010, 10:11 AM	#11
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Well "step-dad" that no one liked is bailing after only 3 years ... Good Riddance asshole. Things are eerily similar, yet different here. I can't put my finger on it at the moment. This is a great thread - I gotta think some more when I'm not quite as busy. Thanks for the insight. You guys/gals have given me a little more comfort in so far as I'm not the only one dealing with this crap and some great insight from both side of the issue. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

07-01-2010, 07:41 PM	#12
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I'm not a step parent myself, but Dazza (my husband is). He is a pretty good step parent I think, and my two older boys love him as if he were their own father, even though he didn't come into their lives till they were in school. Their bio father is pretty unreliable (and always was which is why we separated in large part), but Dazza and I have just gotten used to being happy for the boys when they get to see their Dad, but none of us worries too much about when he's not around simply because we've grown used to that being the norm. We have a pretty good relationship with him though, which helps the kids feel more secure about their feelings for all of us. I'm really glad that Dazza is so patient with us all. It's a huge burden taking on a step family, but it can work out if everyone wants it to, and for us, it's been great. eta: I thought I should mention that we have issues just like any other family, and of course the kids step out of line every now and then. When that happens, usually Dazza and I discuss the punishment, but I'm the one who delivers the verdict and does most of the talking about why. I think this helps with the whole step family thing and reduces any conflict arising from 'you're not my father' type accusations, which fortunately we've never had to hear. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber Last edited by Aliantha; 07-01-2010 at 09:14 PM.

07-02-2010, 12:22 AM	#14
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Ouija boards, and magic 8 balls, are fake. Take satisfaction in knowing, you're doing the best you can. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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