Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 257

capnhowdy · 01-03-2011, 06:33 AM

Obama wals into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "Where did you get that"? The parrot replies "Africa. They're all over the place".

classicman · 01-04-2011, 11:34 AM

A little known fact ...

The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain may also be important.

Ladies ... Quit Laughing.

classicman · 01-04-2011, 11:38 AM

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an
attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the
sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times
till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you sat on the cat."

.....He never heard the gunshot.

classicman · 01-04-2011, 11:42 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there the husband tells his wife
"Listen,this guy's an escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Shawnee123 · 01-04-2011, 12:07 PM

I found a really funny joke while googling "stupidest jokes ever":

There was a blonde, and a man from another country at a bar, and the man said, "My country was the first from space," and at that time a red head came up, she said, " My country was the first to go to the moon."
Then the blonde said," Oh yeah well I am gunna go to the sun!" The red head said, " Stupid you can't go to the sun it is too hot." Then the blonde replied, " That is why I'm going at night!"

She never heard the scream.

A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes.

As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?"

She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!"

She never saw his fist coming.

Oh gawd my stomach hurts. STOP.

I never saw the tape.

footfootfoot · 01-04-2011, 12:58 PM

and now are you finished posting?
:smirk:

monster · 01-04-2011, 02:23 PM

*snort*

Shawnee123 · 01-04-2011, 02:24 PM

haggis!

monster · 01-04-2011, 02:59 PM

oh dear god, someone is threatening to feed me haggis on burns night

Gravdigr · 01-04-2011, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

..."Thank God - I thought you sat on the cat."

Pico and ME · 01-05-2011, 06:15 PM

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said.

The Pagan asked, "Why?"

St Peter said, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool"

The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan.

So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time.

A man in white comes to him and presents himself as Satan.

"Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

Gravdigr · 01-09-2011, 02:30 AM

.

Gravdigr · 01-11-2011, 02:15 AM

.

BrianR · 01-11-2011, 08:34 AM

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course , meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning ."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course .

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game . I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'"

BrianR · 01-11-2011, 08:36 AM

The Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

01-03-2011, 06:33 AM	#3841
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Obama wals into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks "Where did you get that"? The parrot replies "Africa. They're all over the place". __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-04-2011, 11:34 AM	#3842
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A little known fact ... The first testicular guard, the "Cup", was used in Hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain may also be important. Ladies ... Quit Laughing. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-04-2011, 11:38 AM	#3843
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you sat on the cat." .....He never heard the gunshot. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-04-2011, 11:42 AM	#3844
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there the husband tells his wife "Listen,this guy's an escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt Last edited by classicman; 01-04-2011 at 11:47 AM.

01-04-2011, 12:07 PM	#3845
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I found a really funny joke while googling "stupidest jokes ever": There was a blonde, and a man from another country at a bar, and the man said, "My country was the first from space," and at that time a red head came up, she said, " My country was the first to go to the moon." Then the blonde said," Oh yeah well I am gunna go to the sun!" The red head said, " Stupid you can't go to the sun it is too hot." Then the blonde replied, " That is why I'm going at night!" She never heard the scream. A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes. As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?" She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!" She never saw his fist coming. Oh gawd my stomach hurts. STOP. I never saw the tape. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

01-04-2011, 12:58 PM	#3846
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	and now are you finished posting? :smirk: __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-04-2011, 02:23 PM	#3847
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	snort __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-04-2011, 02:24 PM	#3848
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	haggis! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

01-04-2011, 02:59 PM	#3849
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	oh dear god, someone is threatening to feed me haggis on burns night __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-05-2011, 06:15 PM	#3851
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St Peter met him at the door. "You can't come in, " he said. The Pagan asked, "Why?" St Peter said, "You're Pagan, sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there and they say it's cool" The Pagan is depressed but goes anyway because he was, well, Pagan. So he goes to hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in white comes to him and presents himself as Satan. "Wow" thinks the pagan, "Hell isn't so bad" Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the earth. After he disappears, everything returns to normal. "What was that?," the pagan asks Satan. Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have hell any other way"

01-09-2011, 02:30 AM	#3852
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

01-11-2011, 02:15 AM	#3853
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	. Attached Images __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

01-11-2011, 08:34 AM	#3854
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course , meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning ." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course . The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game . I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! It's a great morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater!'" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

01-11-2011, 08:36 AM	#3855
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	The Defective Parrot A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,' asks the guy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!' If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

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