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| Parenting Bringing up the shorties so they aren't completely messed up |
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04-04-2008, 07:34 AM
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#1 |
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 604
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My 2 1/2 yearold is hitting!
She is smacking other kids for no apparent reason. I could understand if she was provoked, but lately she seems to be doing it almost as a form of greeting.
I need advice. I've denied her sweets. I've put her in timeout in the corner. I've taken toys and put them into timeout. When I ask her why she got in trouble or why her whatever was taken away, she will answer that it was because she hit. But she continues to do it. Please help. |
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04-04-2008, 07:53 AM
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#2 |
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™
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 27,717
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Is she doing it to get attention? In other words, are you giving her positive attention when she isn't hitting? Or does she mostly get attention when she misbehaves? Kids prefer positive attention, but if they aren't getting enough to suit them, they will do something bad to get negative attention. Any attention, even bad, is better than little attention from a kid's perspective. And their idea of the right amount of attention is different than an adult's.
If you aren't already, you should praise her when she does things the way she is supposed to. Even if it's something that you think she should be doing anyway. Look for things to praise her on. |
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04-04-2008, 08:24 AM
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#3 |
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I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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Does she actually understand what you mean by "hit"? You say it almost seems to be a form of greeting. Maybe she doesn't understand that that is the behaviour you are talking about? Perhaps she can't distinguish between a gentle touch and a slap? When she hits, try re-enacting the situation with what she sould have done -or better still "what she should do next time"
"Uh-oh, Esmerelda, it looks like you were too rough when you said hi to Ernest then. You hit him and it hurt him. Let's go over and say sorry.......OK next time, when you want to say hi, use your words and gentle touches only. Like this. Can you try that?" Or something like that. Model the desirable behaviour. And praise her when it's good. "I noticed how you were very gentle when you said hi there. that was great". yeah, you may need to have a barf bucket handy if this "happy child care professional" talk doesn't come naturally. But just don't laugh. it spoils it.
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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04-04-2008, 08:36 AM
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#4 |
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Snowflake
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dystopia
Posts: 13,136
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We had to tell our 18 month-old not to be so rough with her 3 month-old brother; we told her that brother is "nice" and you have to treat him "nice" ... and now she pats him (and everything else) and says "niiice, niiice" ... for instance, if you want something from mama, she is "niiice" ...
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****************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio |
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04-04-2008, 08:54 AM
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#5 |
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I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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niiiiice
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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04-04-2008, 10:02 AM
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#6 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 604
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Quote:
She's very creative, quite the imagination. And she's very smart. I'm pretty sure that she knows what I mean when I say "hit" and that she knows it's wrong. Reason I said she seems to be doing it as a greeting is this... Our current in-home daycare provider is moving to the other side of the city, so we're trying to find someone who is in our area. My wife and daughter have been out to visit several potential replacements. In about half of the visits, my little one has hit one (or more) of the kids there, with no apparent provocation. |
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04-04-2008, 10:05 AM
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#7 |
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I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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What do you do at the moment she "hits" these kids? You can't exactly put her toys in a time out then, can you? At two and a half, any consequence/redirection/modelling/feedback needs to be immediate.
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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04-04-2008, 10:08 AM
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#8 |
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I hear them call the tide
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Perpetual Chaos
Posts: 30,852
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You do need to show her the alternative behaviour. At the time of offence. And "pretty sure she understands" sounds like you might want to look at this and actually talk to her about it to be sure. Can't do any harm.
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The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart |
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04-04-2008, 10:50 AM
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#9 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 27,717
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Quote:
I'd have to go with monster then. "You do need to show her the alternative behaviour. At the time of offence." You (or someone) needs to deal with this at the time it happens. |
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04-04-2008, 11:17 AM
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#10 |
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UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 20,012
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It sounds like it's time to start examining the effectiveness of various punishments. Some kids are mentally mature enough to realize that if they just wait a few minutes, "time out" will be over with no lasting effects. The toys may need to be taken away for the rest of the day, or time out may need to be made more unpleasant than just sitting to the side and waiting (like being moved to a separate room with no one else to watch, or facing the wall for example,) or something else entirely.
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04-04-2008, 11:49 AM
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#11 | ||
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 604
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Quote:
Quote:
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04-04-2008, 11:54 AM
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#12 |
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Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya?
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 21,206
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Let her smack a kid who'll smack her right back. That'll learn her. [/whatnottodoasaparent]
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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby |
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04-04-2008, 11:02 PM
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#14 |
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Wearing her bitch boots
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Floriduh
Posts: 1,181
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Keep talking to her, every time she hits someone, stop her and talk about being nice vs hurting people. If she does it at home, sit her on a time-out stool for one minute. Get down on her level and talk calmly and face to face.
My daughter just went through this stage, including pinching when mad. But it's fading now, after much talking and time-outs. She rarely hits anymore. She'll be 3 in two months. ps...I never hit (spank) her as punishment. Ever. So it is very clear to her that hitting isn't something we do to other people, no matter what.
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"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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04-07-2008, 09:02 AM
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#15 | |
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Albuquerque
Posts: 604
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Quote:
That message is one I've been worried about sending. A friend of mine suggested "thumping" her on the forehead. More of a flick of the middle finger off the thumb. Seems to get her attention. Friday, she went to daycare with the threat of "We don't hit people. If you hit anyone, you won't get gummies." At pickup, the report was "She was very good and she didn't hit anyone." So she got gummies. |
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