Raising a kid

juju · 06-06-2002, 02:40 PM

Okay, here's something that i've been thinking on recently.

Curiosity. Little kids have it. Older kids do don't. Why?

When kids get to high school. They are not interested in anything but screwing around. The lessons are boring and pointless. However, when they were 5, they wouldn't stop asking questions.

In fact, when they were 5, they asked so many damned questions that the parents got annoyed. "Go away and play, because you're bothering me."

This negative reinforcement in response to curiosity happened so many times that kids had the curiosity ripped out of them. They were taught not to learn, but to leave their parents alone, and play -- because that's what kids do, and they're cute.

When they got to high school, they still exhibited this same behavior. But now, the kids are expected to behave very differently. They are expected to love learning and not play so much -- the complete opposite of what they were trained to do.

It's at this point that parents start to wonder why kids put so much energy into games and playing, and so little into school.

Well, perhaps it's because you got bored with their neverending series of questions, and made them go play?

Of course, this is only a theory. It's quite likely to be wrong, given my inexperience with the subject matter. Also, I don't actually remember when i was 5. But I do see this between parents and kids all the time these days.

So, anyway, my idea is -- if you don't do this to your kids, they'll grow up to geniuses!

juju · 06-06-2002, 03:08 PM

There's another thing i've been thinking on.

Telling your kids that you're always right is extremely bad.

There is a psychological problem with many people today, in that they believe what they're told, especially if it's about them. What i'm specifically thinking of here is insults and self-image.

Say, someone walks up to Sue. They say, "Sue, you're a moron." Rather than disagree with the person, Sue is likely to assume that the other person knows something she does not. "I guess it must be true", Sue thinks. Then Sue becomes depressed, and starts to hate herself.

Now, this might not be you. But I can tell you that a great many people behave this way. If someone says something about them, good or bad, they generally just accept it to be true. That's why we're always asking people for compliments. We're not content with our own opinions of ourselves -- it's not true until another person says so.

I've been thinking that maybe this insidious behavior is taught in childhood. It makes sense, because otherwise where else would we learn it?

Perhaps our kids should be allowed to tell another person that they're wrong. Perhaps we should back up our kids if they decide to have thier own opinions.

What if you and some friends were in the living room talking about something, and your 6 year old walks by and gives his opinion on the matter. With our current culture, the kid is most likely to be laughed at and dismissed. He will be told that we are right and he is wrong.

I'm just saying -- maybe we could teach our kids to have their own minds for a change?

warch · 06-06-2002, 06:25 PM

From the first two year old shout of "NO!" kids battle authority. They need to learn how to make choices and and express reasoned opinions. Schooling is fundamentally about socialization rather than curiosity or intellectual stimulation. Parents need to prepare kids with a strong self concept for the potentially grueling culture of school, if they choose to put them there. Cause it can get ugly.

With that said, there is at least the buzz of shift in the educational pedagogy towards fostering critical thinking, creativity self-directed learning, and tolerance as core curricular prinicples.

I now teach in an art museum and one of the greatest things is to ask a kid what they think (or even more radically what they feel) about one of the pieces and see them realize that whatever they think and say will be valued and discussed. And Ive seen kids considering really challenging art, interpreting circles around amazed adults. I like my job.

Griff · 06-06-2002, 07:50 PM

Please be careful with that lingo Warch, yer gonna give me a flashback. ;)

Seriously though, its about respect. If you respect kids, they'll respect you and each other. You'd be suprised how many kids have noone giving their ideas a respectful hearing, as a result they never get to or have to challenge the the crazy things that go through their heads. Not being able to think in a critical manner translates into many of the social ills of youth. I remember a girl I had in a study hall once, telling her friends how she was gonna be free of her parents by getting pregnant, going on welfare, and getting a trailer of her own, just like her sister. In freaking sane, its the kind of idea that only gets reinforced when you've got kids giving kids advice and none of their parents give a crap... At times like that its hard for an adult to speak up, you don't want to look like a complete idiot for buying the tale... but some kids do the crazy stuff they talk about, so you have to.

warch · 06-06-2002, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Please be careful with that lingo Warch, yer gonna give me a flashback.

ewww...so sorry. See, I'm still in recovery. Every now and again it still tangles around my ankle and threatens to pull me way down... *breathe deeply* Thanks.

juju · 06-06-2002, 11:24 PM

What lingo?

juju · 06-06-2002, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by warch
I now teach in an art museum and one of the greatest things is to ask a kid what they think (or even more radically what they feel) about one of the pieces and see them realize that whatever they think and say will be valued and discussed. And Ive seen kids considering really challenging art, interpreting circles around amazed adults. I like my job.

See, it just seems so wrong that these are radical ideas. We're raising generation after generation of passive thinkers who just accept what they're told at face value.

juju · 06-06-2002, 11:32 PM

On the other hand, disipline is important, too. I don't really know anything about this, so i'm not sure how this works into my theory. But I don't want to raise some wacko hell-raiser.

I'm sure there must be a line that you could draw somewhere, though. And I know that the place parents are drawing the line right now is wrong.

perth · 06-07-2002, 12:19 AM

discipline, i think is a fine line to walk. on one hand, there has to be *some* punishment. on the other, there has to be guidance. im not really in a place yet where discipline is a huge issue. james basically knows what the word 'no' means. it means that immediately after i say it, i will come pick him up and move him away from whatever it was he wasnt supposed to play with. so when theyre young, you probably want to stick to guidance. it wouldnt be effective for me to spank him or put him in the corner or send him to his room. he wouldnt understand why i did it, and in the last two cases, he probably wouldnt care.

but wait until he learns that he can say no too. when i tell him its bedtime and he looks defiantly at me and refuses, then some punishment is in order. i dont really know what, but repeating the instructions and letting him tell me no over and over again is not an effective way of teaching him. i dont honestly know if spanking is the answer, but i do know that grounding a 2 year old is a waste of time.

positive reinforcement is good. when he cleans his room without arguing, i will always thank him and make sure he knows i appreciate it. and once in a whilehe might get ice cream or a new toy. but i know parents who go overboard. it becomes a kind of bribery. 'clean your room and ill take you to toys r us.' pretty soon, the kid wont clean his room unless he gets something in return.

damn, discipline is such a grey area. as i type this, i realize that i really have no plan for how to discipline my son as he gets older. i hate to wing it, but i really have no idea how best to punish him when he gets older. as a child, my wife was punished by spanking, or even the mere threat of spanking. her brother, on the other hand, couldnt care less. he laughed when spanked. different children call for different methods. god, i wish there was a science to this.

how about i condense the above to this: i have a lot of ideas. but frankly, i have no fucking clue how to discipline a child.

~james

jaguar · 06-07-2002, 12:35 AM

Quote:

"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education." -- Mark Twain

Griff · 06-07-2002, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by warch

With that said, there is at least the buzz of shift in the educational pedagogy towards fostering critical thinking, creativity self-directed learning, and tolerance as core curricular prinicples.

Warch slipped into eduspeak, juju, I could feel my eyes rolling into the back of my head, as my head bounced off the keyboard.

One thing that is very difficult for parents is consistency. When you are in a foul mood the rules and punishments have to be the same as when you have a bluebird on your shoulder. Kids shouldn't have to spend their time figuring out what your mood and rules are. Hmm.. we might want to extend that to broader society. Keep the rules simple and enforceable. There are a lot of books on discipline out there, with many good ideas. The main thing is that discipline has to reflect the way you and your partner naturally are together, you can't just adopt someone elses style wholesale. Its difficult at first but if you work at it and talk about it it becomes natural and loving and the childs sense of well-being is maximized.

06-07-2002, 09:56 AM

perth -

I'll go ahead and share my views, 'cause... well, I've grown up a lot in the last five or six years, and I've learned a lot, both about being a kid and raising one.

First, I don't think the spanking works. I wouldn't recommend it. Showing kids that violence is the answer to a problem is a bad idea. I was spanked a lot when I was a kid. What happened? Whenever someone did something that I thought was wrong, I would... well, wallop the holy hell out of them. My cousin took my jacket once. Instead of asking for it back, I repeatedly punched her in the back. I had a bad haircut when I was about ten, and I wore a hood to school for two weeks. Only once did someone pull it down and laugh - and they got pulled over my desk and hit very very hard a number of times. I'll spare you the rest of the details but, basically, until I was about 15, I was a very physically violent person. I fully believe that this comes from being spanked when I was younger. It wasn't until about that age that I realized "violence isn't the solution to my problem." Luckily, it wasn't "too late" by that time period - and I turned it completely around. A lot of people don't. The prisons are filled with them.

Positive reinforcement is certainly the best way to keep a kid on track. When they're younger, they won't understand pride - it will have to be little things, like ice cream here, a toy there, etc. As they get older, tell them that they're doing a good job. There is nothing like hearing that from someone you look up to and respect. And as his father, you will be his idol. When he does a good job, tell him. Not only that, but make sure he understands it. When he brings home a 4.0 report card in ninth grade, sit him down, smile at him and say "I want you to know that I'm more proud of you than anything else in my entire life. You did a damn good job and I'm proud of you." When he brings home that "My kid is an honor student at ______ _____ High School", wear it. I know bumper stickers are lame, but make a spot for it on your bumper anyway. Tell him "You know, I hate bumper stickers... but there's no way that this bumper sticker is going anywhere but the back of my car. I'm proud of you." It's okay to be a sappy dad. He needs to know that you're proud of him when he does well.

When he fucks up... like bringing home a 1.5 GPA report card... be calm. Don't get angry. Ever. It never works. First, it will show him that he can't trust you to keep cool, and it will create a distance between you and him. "If I tell dad, he'll get angry." To tell or not to tell? Guess which choice he'll make. So keep calm. The things you need to make him understand are

1) Good or bad, there are consequences to all of your actions
2) You need to ask yourself "What is it that I really want out of this?"

Start young. Let him know that, for everything he does, there will be consequences. If he does something great, then the consequences will reflect that. If he does something not so great, the consequences will reflect that. In the case of grades in school, make him understand that he's only hurting himself. Tell him "Look, I'm not going to get fired because my son's not doing well in school. But, in the future, you're going to find that doing well opens you to a lot more opportunities." When he understands these things, he'll be much more thoughtful of the people around him and his actions. I finally learned them when I was about 15, and I'm a markedly better person because of it.

When he's real young (2-12 or so), it's going to be more difficult to reach him on an intellectual basis. I still recommend against spanking, yelling, etc. I'm not a particularly big fan of punishment; I'm a big fan of setting someone on the right track, mainly by erasing any notion of "I should do that again" from their minds. Make them understand the negative consequences that can arise from their misdeeds. Be serious and firm when talking to him. "James, I love you, but if you poke holes in the wall with a screwdriver again, there are going to be some very unpleasant consequences." If he does it, deliver on your promise - keep his allowance from him long enough so that you can use it to fix the holes. That will help him get the message.

Anyway... there are books written on the subject, and I can't begin to write everything I know and feel in a single post. If you want, we can talk more about it. In the mean time, I've got some work to do. I hope that this has been a useful post.

MaggieL · 06-07-2002, 10:19 AM

The world's best antidode for Educanto:

The Underground Grammarian

http://www.sourcetext.com/grammarian/

verbatim · 06-07-2002, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by dhamsaic
Positive reinforcement is certainly the best way to keep a kid on track.... As they get older, tell them that they're doing a good job. There is nothing like hearing that from someone you look up to and respect... When he does a good job, tell him. Not only that, but make sure he understands it. When he brings home a 4.0 report card in ninth grade, sit him down, smile at him and say "I want you to know that I'm more proud of you than anything else in my entire life. You did a damn good job and I'm proud of you."

I didnt get any reinforcement too strongly either direction. I mean my parents did a good job raising me, they gave me a great set of standards and morals and a good basis for behavior, but there was never that element of "good job, Evan" or "you really fucked up this time."

What my parents did was teach by consequenses. Sure, what I did now seemed funny, but it really came around to bite me in the ass later. It was great the way they were able to hold off punishing me, and just sit on their hands long enough for me to realize what I had done wrong. And the same goes for the other way, when I did something good, there was the initial "congradutalions," but then the subject was soon dropped. Its great, it truly is, because it teaches you to live long term. You realize that things you do are gonna either help you or hurt you later, and although that things are peachy/sucky now, things change later depending on what you do. (Heh, praise about living in the future coming from a guy who takes the day-to-day attitude about everything :) )

warch · 06-07-2002, 11:17 AM

I'm better now. The deprogramming *is* working.

Its really cool when you can figure how to get through to a kid. Consistency and clarity about whats ok or not is #1. I think discipline is all about giving a kid the opportunity to make choices and experience consequence. That said, there are hard rules- you wear your bike helmet, you dont go in the street, etc. And the best discipline is swift, calm, and consistent.

But the little things, "choose what you wear", "when you've calmed down come join us at dinner", "choose which toy you want to bring, this or that"... the adult can decide ok boundaries and, is party to what the kid wants, likes, etc. and the kid is operating inside the boundaries. It exercises some important muscles in a respectful way. And Ive seen it work.

Some things that seem to work well with littlest kids- alot of the meltdowns I've been a party to were just frustration and strong emotions. Instead of saying "stop fussing, calm down, dont worry about that"- denying feelings, or"we have to go cause were late" imposing your reasoning, or the thing I'm guilty of - trying to create a diversion, hear the kid's frustration and echo it back so they know you know. "I wish we could spend more time here, that would be really fun. We've had a great time. We'll have to come back again, would that be a good idea?" The kid hears that you recognize whats so hard and then you give him the power to return. Well, and then you actually do have to respect that and eventually return...

But what the hell do I know!? Everyday is a new drama. I can pass them to Mom or Dad and say, "see you guys later!" Good parents are amazing.

06-06-2002, 07:50 PM	#4
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Please be careful with that lingo Warch, yer gonna give me a flashback. ;) Seriously though, its about respect. If you respect kids, they'll respect you and each other. You'd be suprised how many kids have noone giving their ideas a respectful hearing, as a result they never get to or have to challenge the the crazy things that go through their heads. Not being able to think in a critical manner translates into many of the social ills of youth. I remember a girl I had in a study hall once, telling her friends how she was gonna be free of her parents by getting pregnant, going on welfare, and getting a trailer of her own, just like her sister. In freaking sane, its the kind of idea that only gets reinforced when you've got kids giving kids advice and none of their parents give a crap... At times like that its hard for an adult to speak up, you don't want to look like a complete idiot for buying the tale... but some kids do the crazy stuff they talk about, so you have to. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

06-07-2002, 10:19 AM	#13
MaggieL in the Hour of Scampering Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Jeffersonville PA (15 mi NW of Philadelphia) Posts: 4,060	The world's best antidode for Educanto: The Underground Grammarian http://www.sourcetext.com/grammarian/ __________________ "Neither can his Mind be thought to be in Tune,whose words do jarre; nor his reason In frame, whose sentence is preposterous..."

06-06-2002, 02:40 PM	#1
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	Raising a kid Okay, here's something that i've been thinking on recently. Curiosity. Little kids have it. Older kids do don't. Why? When kids get to high school. They are not interested in anything but screwing around. The lessons are boring and pointless. However, when they were 5, they wouldn't stop asking questions. In fact, when they were 5, they asked so many damned questions that the parents got annoyed. "Go away and play, because you're bothering me." This negative reinforcement in response to curiosity happened so many times that kids had the curiosity ripped out of them. They were taught not to learn, but to leave their parents alone, and play -- because that's what kids do, and they're cute. When they got to high school, they still exhibited this same behavior. But now, the kids are expected to behave very differently. They are expected to love learning and not play so much -- the complete opposite of what they were trained to do. It's at this point that parents start to wonder why kids put so much energy into games and playing, and so little into school. Well, perhaps it's because you got bored with their neverending series of questions, and made them go play? Of course, this is only a theory. It's quite likely to be wrong, given my inexperience with the subject matter. Also, I don't actually remember when i was 5. But I do see this between parents and kids all the time these days. So, anyway, my idea is -- if you don't do this to your kids, they'll grow up to geniuses! Last edited by juju; 06-06-2002 at 02:46 PM.

06-06-2002, 03:08 PM	#2
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	There's another thing i've been thinking on. Telling your kids that you're always right is extremely bad. There is a psychological problem with many people today, in that they believe what they're told, especially if it's about them. What i'm specifically thinking of here is insults and self-image. Say, someone walks up to Sue. They say, "Sue, you're a moron." Rather than disagree with the person, Sue is likely to assume that the other person knows something she does not. "I guess it must be true", Sue thinks. Then Sue becomes depressed, and starts to hate herself. Now, this might not be you. But I can tell you that a great many people behave this way. If someone says something about them, good or bad, they generally just accept it to be true. That's why we're always asking people for compliments. We're not content with our own opinions of ourselves -- it's not true until another person says so. I've been thinking that maybe this insidious behavior is taught in childhood. It makes sense, because otherwise where else would we learn it? Perhaps our kids should be allowed to tell another person that they're wrong. Perhaps we should back up our kids if they decide to have thier own opinions. What if you and some friends were in the living room talking about something, and your 6 year old walks by and gives his opinion on the matter. With our current culture, the kid is most likely to be laughed at and dismissed. He will be told that we are right and he is wrong. I'm just saying -- maybe we could teach our kids to have their own minds for a change?

06-06-2002, 06:25 PM	#3
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	From the first two year old shout of "NO!" kids battle authority. They need to learn how to make choices and and express reasoned opinions. Schooling is fundamentally about socialization rather than curiosity or intellectual stimulation. Parents need to prepare kids with a strong self concept for the potentially grueling culture of school, if they choose to put them there. Cause it can get ugly. With that said, there is at least the buzz of shift in the educational pedagogy towards fostering critical thinking, creativity self-directed learning, and tolerance as core curricular prinicples. I now teach in an art museum and one of the greatest things is to ask a kid what they think (or even more radically what they feel) about one of the pieces and see them realize that whatever they think and say will be valued and discussed. And Ive seen kids considering really challenging art, interpreting circles around amazed adults. I like my job.

06-06-2002, 11:24 PM	#6
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	What lingo?

06-06-2002, 11:32 PM	#8
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	On the other hand, disipline is important, too. I don't really know anything about this, so i'm not sure how this works into my theory. But I don't want to raise some wacko hell-raiser. I'm sure there must be a line that you could draw somewhere, though. And I know that the place parents are drawing the line right now is wrong.

06-07-2002, 12:19 AM	#9
perth Strong Silent Type Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Fort Collins, CO Posts: 1,949	discipline, i think is a fine line to walk. on one hand, there has to be some punishment. on the other, there has to be guidance. im not really in a place yet where discipline is a huge issue. james basically knows what the word 'no' means. it means that immediately after i say it, i will come pick him up and move him away from whatever it was he wasnt supposed to play with. so when theyre young, you probably want to stick to guidance. it wouldnt be effective for me to spank him or put him in the corner or send him to his room. he wouldnt understand why i did it, and in the last two cases, he probably wouldnt care. but wait until he learns that he can say no too. when i tell him its bedtime and he looks defiantly at me and refuses, then some punishment is in order. i dont really know what, but repeating the instructions and letting him tell me no over and over again is not an effective way of teaching him. i dont honestly know if spanking is the answer, but i do know that grounding a 2 year old is a waste of time. positive reinforcement is good. when he cleans his room without arguing, i will always thank him and make sure he knows i appreciate it. and once in a whilehe might get ice cream or a new toy. but i know parents who go overboard. it becomes a kind of bribery. 'clean your room and ill take you to toys r us.' pretty soon, the kid wont clean his room unless he gets something in return. damn, discipline is such a grey area. as i type this, i realize that i really have no plan for how to discipline my son as he gets older. i hate to wing it, but i really have no idea how best to punish him when he gets older. as a child, my wife was punished by spanking, or even the mere threat of spanking. her brother, on the other hand, couldnt care less. he laughed when spanked. different children call for different methods. god, i wish there was a science to this. how about i condense the above to this: i have a lot of ideas. but frankly, i have no fucking clue how to discipline a child. ~james

06-07-2002, 09:56 AM	#12
dave Guest Posts: n/a	perth - I'll go ahead and share my views, 'cause... well, I've grown up a lot in the last five or six years, and I've learned a lot, both about being a kid and raising one. First, I don't think the spanking works. I wouldn't recommend it. Showing kids that violence is the answer to a problem is a bad idea. I was spanked a lot when I was a kid. What happened? Whenever someone did something that I thought was wrong, I would... well, wallop the holy hell out of them. My cousin took my jacket once. Instead of asking for it back, I repeatedly punched her in the back. I had a bad haircut when I was about ten, and I wore a hood to school for two weeks. Only once did someone pull it down and laugh - and they got pulled over my desk and hit very very hard a number of times. I'll spare you the rest of the details but, basically, until I was about 15, I was a very physically violent person. I fully believe that this comes from being spanked when I was younger. It wasn't until about that age that I realized "violence isn't the solution to my problem." Luckily, it wasn't "too late" by that time period - and I turned it completely around. A lot of people don't. The prisons are filled with them. Positive reinforcement is certainly the best way to keep a kid on track. When they're younger, they won't understand pride - it will have to be little things, like ice cream here, a toy there, etc. As they get older, tell them that they're doing a good job. There is nothing like hearing that from someone you look up to and respect. And as his father, you will be his idol. When he does a good job, tell him. Not only that, but make sure he understands it. When he brings home a 4.0 report card in ninth grade, sit him down, smile at him and say "I want you to know that I'm more proud of you than anything else in my entire life. You did a damn good job and I'm proud of you." When he brings home that "My kid is an honor student at ______ _____ High School", wear it. I know bumper stickers are lame, but make a spot for it on your bumper anyway. Tell him "You know, I hate bumper stickers... but there's no way that this bumper sticker is going anywhere but the back of my car. I'm proud of you." It's okay to be a sappy dad. He needs to know that you're proud of him when he does well. When he fucks up... like bringing home a 1.5 GPA report card... be calm. Don't get angry. Ever. It never works. First, it will show him that he can't trust you to keep cool, and it will create a distance between you and him. "If I tell dad, he'll get angry." To tell or not to tell? Guess which choice he'll make. So keep calm. The things you need to make him understand are 1) Good or bad, there are consequences to all of your actions 2) You need to ask yourself "What is it that I really want out of this?" Start young. Let him know that, for everything he does, there will be consequences. If he does something great, then the consequences will reflect that. If he does something not so great, the consequences will reflect that. In the case of grades in school, make him understand that he's only hurting himself. Tell him "Look, I'm not going to get fired because my son's not doing well in school. But, in the future, you're going to find that doing well opens you to a lot more opportunities." When he understands these things, he'll be much more thoughtful of the people around him and his actions. I finally learned them when I was about 15, and I'm a markedly better person because of it. When he's real young (2-12 or so), it's going to be more difficult to reach him on an intellectual basis. I still recommend against spanking, yelling, etc. I'm not a particularly big fan of punishment; I'm a big fan of setting someone on the right track, mainly by erasing any notion of "I should do that again" from their minds. Make them understand the negative consequences that can arise from their misdeeds. Be serious and firm when talking to him. "James, I love you, but if you poke holes in the wall with a screwdriver again, there are going to be some very unpleasant consequences." If he does it, deliver on your promise - keep his allowance from him long enough so that you can use it to fix the holes. That will help him get the message. Anyway... there are books written on the subject, and I can't begin to write everything I know and feel in a single post. If you want, we can talk more about it. In the mean time, I've got some work to do. I hope that this has been a useful post.

06-07-2002, 11:17 AM	#15
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	I'm better now. The deprogramming is working. Its really cool when you can figure how to get through to a kid. Consistency and clarity about whats ok or not is #1. I think discipline is all about giving a kid the opportunity to make choices and experience consequence. That said, there are hard rules- you wear your bike helmet, you dont go in the street, etc. And the best discipline is swift, calm, and consistent. But the little things, "choose what you wear", "when you've calmed down come join us at dinner", "choose which toy you want to bring, this or that"... the adult can decide ok boundaries and, is party to what the kid wants, likes, etc. and the kid is operating inside the boundaries. It exercises some important muscles in a respectful way. And Ive seen it work. Some things that seem to work well with littlest kids- alot of the meltdowns I've been a party to were just frustration and strong emotions. Instead of saying "stop fussing, calm down, dont worry about that"- denying feelings, or"we have to go cause were late" imposing your reasoning, or the thing I'm guilty of - trying to create a diversion, hear the kid's frustration and echo it back so they know you know. "I wish we could spend more time here, that would be really fun. We've had a great time. We'll have to come back again, would that be a good idea?" The kid hears that you recognize whats so hard and then you give him the power to return. Well, and then you actually do have to respect that and eventually return... But what the hell do I know!? Everyday is a new drama. I can pass them to Mom or Dad and say, "see you guys later!" Good parents are amazing.

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