Online friends and travelling

[bbro]

What is your opinion on travelling to see an online friend? In a different state? I really want to, but I wonder if I should be more wary than I am.

We started out chatting because of a social networking site. We continued off the site and I just found out he isn't a member there anymore. Hasn't been for a few months. We've been talking longer than that, so it isn't like we started talking and he deleted his user.

He's in Colorado and I'm in North Carolina. He wants me to come visit. I want to go. He wants me to come in the next couple of months and will help me pay for the flight. He also mentioned that I could just stay with him while I am there for the weekend.

Am I insane? Should I go? Should I not? Should I get a hotel room? Should I just stay with him?

[classicman]

I would be EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS if I were you, but then again I'm an old fart. I've met a few people IRL that i was introduced to online - mostly cellar peeps.

[DanaC]

If you can afford it, I'd go with a hotel rather than staying at his house. And make your first meet-up somewhere like a cafe/restaurant, or art gallery/other attraction. Worth getting a sense of him in person before you step into his house.

It's most likely to be perfectly fine. But there is a definite risk and it doesn't hurt to be a little cautious. If he checks out on meeting and you get the same vibe in person as you do online, then you can always cut your hotel stay short by a night and spend a night at his instead.

[glatt]

Have you spent hours on the phone with him? I wouldn't travel across the country based just on written words on a screen. Even better would be to Facetime or Skype with him.

Meeting for lunch or a drink or something while in the area is a lot different than going and staying with someone. What's your backup plan if you can't stand him in person?

[DanaC]

Oh good point, glatt. I was assuming there had been phone conversation.

Also, I have absolutely no clue as to the distances involved.

[BigV]

Dana's advice is good. Have a backup plan. Approach with caution, it's always easier to accelerate than it is to slow things down or worse, reverse and or abort.

Having said that, I've had several very good experiences traveling, even across state lines, to meet IRL people who I previously knew only online. It definitely can work.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Take a gun and a knife and a baseball bat and a friend.
Is there something he can't say on the phone that he must tell you in person?
Does he want you to come there to show you the sights?
Does he want you to come there to show you how to ski?
Does he want to show you his fine Colorado dope?
Does he want you to cook for him?
I would suspect he's at least hopeful it's booty call, especially if you've been flirting back and forth in your chats.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Be wery wery careful.

[Clodfobble]

Definitely don't go with the intention of staying with him. Even if he's totally legit and your future husband, in-person reveals things--smells, mannerisms, weird teeth, who knows--that just can't be evaluated any other way. If you find yourself uncomfortable, you don't want to be stuck in his house with all the intimate implications involved with that, and nowhere else to go. Getting a hotel and having your first "date" in public are reasonable precautions, and if he's great in person you can always go back to his house just like any other date. (I'm assuming romantic intentions for a reason; if you have none you DEFINITELY should not go, because that is very much what he is hoping for here. Again, perhaps in an honest and completely non-rapey manner, but it's not fair to lead him on.)

[Lamplighter]

Would you advise your daughter/niece/younger sister to do what he is suggesting ?

Or, you could ask him to come to your city and stay at a nearby hotel.

Being on your own turf, with your friends nearby, and your knowledge
of local do's and don'ts might make for a more comfortable and control-able meeting.

[monster]

Done it a bajillion times. with small kids. But not alone. Take a friend and don't stay with him or meet him in a private place. Make him a stop on a mini vacation, not the purpose of the visit. We met that Zippy Guy and That Clodfobble nutter for starters. Oh and Infi and Trilby. Now they were weird, but Ohioioioians so what can you expect?

be cautious and explore the country.

[bbro]

You all make very good points.

I don't think there is any type of romantic expectations in the trip. We've already discussed that aspect of it. It's just to visit

It is still a city that I want to go to regardless, but I think I will get a hotel when I go. We can still hang out, but I will have a place to go if it doesn't work out. Unfortunately, going with someone isn't an option. Even if I did have a friend that would go (I doubt), I don't think there's a single one that could afford it or get the time off work/family. Anywhere I travel will, unfortunately, be on my own.

I also decided that I am not going this year. I just don't have the time with work and holidays coming up. If he puts up a stink, whelp, that's that.

[DanaC]

Sounds like a good plan.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yeah, keep him dangling, that's the ticket... you vamp, you.

[Aliantha]

Yeah, I'd try and plan it as a mini vacation, and he's just one of the attractions. Fill up your itinerary and make seeing him one of the first things, then if it works out, he can tag along, and if it doesn't, then you just don't invite him along for the rest.

[lumberjim]

What's wrong with a long distance booty call? Go get you some, bro