Polyamorous Relationships...

[elf]

I've been married for 12 years.

He's had a few girlfriends, and I've had a few boyfriends... and we're currently in a relationship between three couples. The six of us hang out just about every weekend... it's not just sex - and actually, the sex is only an occasional thing. There's a lot of contact between everyone (except the male-to-male thing, all the guys are straight). There's gaming and food and laughter all around, and all our kids play together... (which is good, cuz they keep each other out of the adults' hair just about completely.)

This is better than our attempt at the triad thing... But I can't fully discount that type of relationship, either. Just didn't work with <i>her</i>.

Anyway... opinions?

[Beestie]

Opinion on what? (no sarcasm intended)

[elf]

Well, do you think it's ridiculous?
Do you think it's wrong?
Do you think that this is the way it should be?
Is our culture too restricting?
Or on the flip side, given the fact that there's a helluva lot of poly people out there, is our culture too lenient?

...yanno. What do you think?

I like the cellarites. You guys are generally intelligent, witty, and thoughtful people.

I like the fact that I have a quasi-open relationship, but i don't like the way I can't talk about any of it at work for fear of offending people, and I haven't got all that wide a circle of friends - i.e. those outside the poly relationship really would feel any conversation about it would be TMI, savvy?.

[lumberjim]

I think that the less boundaries exist in relationships, the stronger they must be to survive. so, the survival of your relationship with your husband through the various phases of poligamy or poliamorousenessensteinerman attest to the strength of your bond. I'm quite curious about the group dynamic, and wish we had the kind of friends that we were close enough to that that kind of thing could go on.....not for the sex thing so much as the friendship bond that must exist to support that. We have basically one couple friend that we get together with 2 or 3 evenings per month. they'll come over, and we'll all get drunk, so they sleep over....but in their own bedroom ... I guess it would be pretty cool to raise my kids among a mini villiage like I imagine from your description. Do you run into any trouble with jealousy, elf? When there IS sex, is it an all 6 at once in the same place thing, or do you pair or 'tri' off? or is it "hey, I'm horny, who wants some?" buffet kind of thing?

[glatt]

If it works for everyone involved, including the kids, then I have no problem with it.

I know that it would never work for me. I would be too jealous and insecure if my wife was sleeping with someone else.

I would also be concerned that it might screw the kids up later in life, but I can't say how exactly that would happen.

I'm actually a little surprised that it is working for you. Because I can't imagine it working. With so many people involved, I would imagine emotions could really start mess with people, and things would fall apart.

But, as I said, if it works for everyone, then more power to you guys.

[Beestie]

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just share some thoughts and see where it goes.

That you have posted this makes me wonder if something about it isn't starting to bother you - just a hunch, tho. If so, let's have it.

I'd be fairly uncomfortable if the kids knew about the sexual aspect of the GTGs. My opinion is that kids should be taught monogamy and abstention (but not kicked out of the house for breaches of either).

I don't know how you guys get around the problem of having your partner excited by someone else. It would bother me to see my wife more excited about some other dude than me. It would bother me that she has needs I couldn't fulfil. I think that is probably a bigger problem for men.

What is your husband's position on this lifestyle?

More importantly, are you and your husband on the same page with respect to continuing this lifestyle?

Is the problem with "her" your problem or your husband's problem? Or is that the problem?

Since y'all only get together now and then, how is the sex by yourselves? Is the opinion on that mutual?

At some point, y'all are going to be limited to your mates and not have the option of other partners. How will the relationship function then?

[garnet]

Originally Posted by glatt

I'm actually a little surprised that it is working for you. Because I can't imagine it working. With so many people involved, I would imagine emotions could really start mess with people, and things would fall apart.

I agree--I know for me it would never work. If it works for you that's great, but I kinda don't get why people get married if they want to pursue this sort of thing. Marriage implies the whole monogamy thing--isn't it easier to stay single? I would also be a bit concerned about the kids. Have you discussed it with them?

[Roosta]

It's not really my bag, but if it makes you all happy, then it's a good thing.

[LabRat]

Originally Posted by elf

... but i don't like the way I can't talk about any of it at work for fear of offending people, and I haven't got all that wide a circle of friends - i.e. those outside the poly relationship really would feel any conversation about it would be TMI, savvy?.

I agree that bringing it up here might mean you are having some doubts about the situation, as in your comfortableness with it. The #1 person you should be talking with is your husband, as far as how does he answer the questions you just posed to us. Then, the #2-5 peoples should be the ones in your group. (sans kids) Again, how do they answer those questions. If everyone keeps the communication lines open, then this might be a fun and rewarding experience for all involved. Screw what other people think if they find out. You might learn something that you didn't know turned you or your partner on, or a place on him (or you) that is particularly sensitive from a multi-partner encounter. I would love to participate in such a group, (NOT an invite for a PM ) but finding other ADULTS who are secure enough in their relationships, self confidence, and communication skills is practically impossible.
As for the kids, I guess that is up to you, their ages are an important fact left out here. If they are old enough to be asking more complex questions than 'where do babies come from', I personally would only honestly answer the questions they asked based on your experience, and not offer any more info. I would also follow group sex type questions (along with related ones) with the caveat that although LOTS of people participate in these activities, LOTS of others feel that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Because of that, there is an aura of unnaturalness surrounding anything other than 1 man on top, 1 woman underneath type intercourse. Tell them your opinions, and (importantly!) how you came to them.

[elf]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I think that the less boundaries exist in relationships, the stronger they must be to survive. so, the survival of your relationship with your husband through the various phases of poligamy or poliamorousenessensteinerman attest to the strength of your bond.

See, I don't get that. The hubby and I have a strong relationship, yes... but nowadays you can pretty much consider ANY decade-old relationship 'strong'. We've got all the same bumps in the road as anyone else does. I suppose the only difficulty is that you have nothing to really base expectations on. Such as... let's say your spouse is due to leave town for a week on business. How do you feel about it? Generally, you know what's normal... Do you get jealous that they're travelling? Do you get lonley, are you anxious that they'll <i>meet</i> someone? It's kind of expected to feel these things and you know it's normal. That last one sure surprised me when the situation came up. I was truly thrilled that my hubby found a comfortable spot in an old friend's arms when he was away. BUT then I got a kind of weird jealous-thing when she sent him little gifts (CDs she had made up with songs on them that made him smile) after he had come home. Understandable or overreaction? I don't know. I ended up brushing that off as overreaction.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

I'm quite curious about the group dynamic, and wish we had the kind of friends that we were close enough to that that kind of thing could go on.....not for the sex thing so much as the friendship bond that must exist to support that. We have basically one couple friend that we get together with 2 or 3 evenings per month. they'll come over, and we'll all get drunk, so they sleep over....but in their own bedroom ... I guess it would be pretty cool to raise my kids among a mini villiage like I imagine from your description.

Group dynamics are fun. All six of us are very very different types of people:
The women are as follows: dom femme through and through (we'll call her 'J') the quasi-sub-esque type (me) and the mousy, can't assert authority over a six-year-old type ('R').
The menfolk pretty much compliment each respective wife. R's hubby (B) is veryvery forward and dominating, my hubby (P) is very dominating in certain situations, but laid back in others, and J's hubby (S) is able to shift his moods to pretty much suit hers. I don't know if all that makes sense to you... and I realize that I'm explaining the whole thing on a sex-based chart... but I think it's the easiest way to describe us all.
The common thread is gaming. We all are gamers, and we play everything from cards to D&D. The kids all pretty much get along, there's usually the four kids floating around (two belonging to me and P, the other two to S and J) though sometimes B's kids are around. His ex has them most of the time. I think we'd have to be over there a lot more often than we are to figure that the kids are gaining any village-rearing advantages. In any case, they're happy that we go down to visit every weekend, and oh, but you should hear the whinings of disappointment any time there's a cancellation...

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Do you run into any trouble with jealousy, elf?

Verrrry rarely. I used to think that I was kind of broken. Why didn't I feel jealous when he talked about this one or that one, or when he was away... ? I get more jealousy issues when he's got to be at work and I don't - if I'm not working, he should be with <i>meee!</i>. On the other hand, I feel good when he's off playing.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

When there IS sex, is it an all 6 at once in the same place thing, or do you pair or 'tri' off? or is it "hey, I'm horny, who wants some?" buffet kind of thing?

Heh. Always comes down to sex, eh? I happen to like sex, so I certainly think it does.
Basically anything goes. R needs a hat to wear whenever she's 'in the mood' because she will nevernever assert herself enough to initiate, and B and J are just about always in the mood. So sometimes there are pairings-off where couples have just shifted around, and sometimes there's a pile of people on the basement floor. Sometimes there's a smaller pile of people and there's a couple off elsewhere. Depends on lots of stuff. . .

[elf]

Originally Posted by Beestie

That you have posted this makes me wonder if something about it isn't starting to bother you - just a hunch, tho. If so, let's have it.

Nah. I posted the question for a few reasons... I'm an attention whore sometimes, and I kind of jumped on the opportunity to have <i>my</i> lifestyle be ON TOPIC for once, and not a tangent or thread-jacking.

Mostly, though, is that I don't really get to talk to people about it much. Within my circle, it's just the way it is, and outside of it, it's usually inappropriate to mention.

Besides, it's my birthday and I can be an attention whore on my birthday, can't I? :p

I'll be back in awhile...

[Beestie]

Originally Posted by elf

Besides, it's my birthday

Well, Happy Birthday!!!



I think I got the count right

[LabRat]

happy birthday to you!

how did this first begin??

[Elspode]

Mrs. Elspode and I have some experience in this area, both in our previous marriages to others, and in our current relationship. There's no pat answer to "is poly good or bad", because every single situation is different.

In general, we have not discovered it to be a real great thing. Every poly relationship we have had or known of in our community has ended badly, save two, and we've known of *a lot* of them over the years. Not only have they ended badly, but they have usually ended worse than any one-to-one coupling we've ever known of.

Our last one was about three years back. We held out great hope for it as we both are heartily in support of the concept in principle. However, while the lady from the other couple was very compatible with me and my Mrs., the gent was not clicking with my wife at all. The greater comfort level and attraction between myself and Mrs. X quickly caused terrible strain, and so we dissolved the whole scene before causing any more harm to the friendship we all had.

The friendship ended up going by the wayside anyway due to a different matter involving the Mr. of the other couple, and we remain friends with the Mrs. However, the other couple got involved with a second couple several months later, and with the result that the Mr. of the couple we had been involved with left his Mrs. for the other couple's Mrs. (ya'll following me so far?). Part of the reason we dissolved our arrangement with them was because we saw high potential for their relationship coming undone over it, and our fears turned out to be true. We didn't wish to contribute to it any more than we had, and so that figured into our considerations.

We had been aware that the other couple's relationship was not as strong as it should have been when we were with them. I do believe in one thing for sure...you *must* be absolutely secure with your own relationship before you dive into something like this. Even as secure as Mrs. Elspode and I are together most of the time, our experience caused a lot of setback to our relationship...irrational jealousies, fears and other nasties (none of which actually related to the sexual component, strangely enough) arose, and are only now being put down again.

Both of our first marriages suffered from similar things, hers more than mine (my first wife and I dallied with consent, but not a great deal. My current Mrs. was much more involved in the Poly lifestyle before she met me...and subsequently left her husband to be with me, after a few months of us being a poly triad).

So...you can see from my brief description that it *can* be very, very difficult to do this. But, when it works, it is terribly cool and very fulfilling.

[elf]

Originally Posted by glatt

If it works for everyone involved, including the kids, then I have no problem with it.

I know that it would never work for me. I would be too jealous and insecure if my wife was sleeping with someone else.

I would also be concerned that it might screw the kids up later in life, but I can't say how exactly that would happen.

I'm actually a little surprised that it is working for you. Because I can't imagine it working. With so many people involved, I would imagine emotions could really start mess with people, and things would fall apart.

But, as I said, if it works for everyone, then more power to you guys.

So far, so good. I suppose that a good amount of the reason that it's working so far is that none of us live too very close to each other. We really only all get together once a week, we've usually got plans as to what we're doing socially, and then we let the rest of it all come together however it works that weekend. None of us are jealous people. P is probably the most jealous of us all, but maybe that's only my perception because I don't see the others as much, I don't know them as well. Sometimes I think it works BECAUSE there's six of us. We're our own support group when it comes to dealing with eachother.

As for the kiddigans, well, I don't really know. They're really one of my stumbling blocks. I'm never sure how much they understand, and I'm always leery of overinforming the poor things. My girl-child is eleven, but she's definately younger than that on maturity level, and my son is nine, going on thirteen. I've never lied to them, and I figure I'll just keep answering whatever questions come up as they ask em. I can only hope that I haven't screwed them up worse than ... normal. Here's hoping the whole thing simply teaches them that normal ain't the end-all-be-all in life.