Neat scriptures I'm fakin'

Shawnee123 · 09-30-2010, 10:50 AM

http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?t=16085

And the lord sayeth, whosoever shalt goeth to the tavern shalt not ride upon an ass, for the ass is wobbly and unsure, upon an ass, when one becometh a drunkass.

Spexxvet · 10-01-2010, 08:29 AM

From the Gospel According to the Ass (Ch 2, V26)

And the Savior rode upon my back, and bade me to enter unto Jerusalem. And his buttocks were supple, like unto a baby's buttocks, yet he was not a baby. And he perchedeth upon my back unwobbly, for it was the morn of Palm Sunday, and our Lord drinketh not of the grape prioreth to cocktail hour.

SteveDallas · 10-01-2010, 10:38 AM

From the Gospel According to Charlie Drake:

And thou shaltst not visit the Financial Aid Office exceptest that thou shaltst consume four beverages of spirits beforehand. For those who work there shalst snark upon thee, and thou willtst not withstand the snark save thou shouldst be plastered too much to notice.

Gravdigr · 10-01-2010, 01:55 PM

It ain't even fake: Genesis 1:12

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind...and God saw that it was good.

Gravdigr · 10-01-2010, 02:01 PM

from The Book of Gravdigr:

And the Gravdigr shalt sojourn to the mountain, And he shall reacheth the top of the mount, meeting the woman there, for she hath reached the top of the mountain afore him.

Gravdigr · 10-01-2010, 02:04 PM

Also from The Book of Gravdigr:

The Little Known 27th Commandment;

Whenst havest thou the opportunity, thou shalt doeth the Nasty, and thou shalt doeth the Nasty until thou canst doeth it no longer.

Spexxvet · 10-01-2010, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

It ain't even fake: Genesis 1:12

And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind...and God saw that it was good.

And God said unto Gravdigr "makest thou a device through which thou canst burn the grass at one end and from the other end taketh the smoke of the burning grass into thine own lungs. But do not burnest the seeds of the sacred grass, for they have satan in them, and will pop, leaving telltale burn marks on thy tunic"

Shawnee123 · 10-01-2010, 08:55 PM

Oh wow I love you guys! Funny stuff.

monster · 10-01-2010, 09:57 PM

And the hippie went into the desert, and the clouds parted, and lo, there was a complete double fucking rainbow. And the lord spake unto the hippie and said unto him "Look here are two arches, each containing one of every color I created. Take these arches and five fishies and two loaves and serve filet-o-fishies to all the queers, for they are the new lepers and they will be healed.

rAmen.

sexobon · 10-02-2010, 04:03 AM

Here's an old military one I'm fond of:

........................................"THE CREATION'

AND THE LORD SPAKE FORTH UNTO THE HEAVENS AND SAID, "LET THERE BE AIRBORNE." THE EARTH THEN DID TREMBLE AND QUAKE AND THE WATERS DID RISE UP AND THE CLOUDS DID PART AND THERE CAME FORTH A MULTITUDE OF PARACHUTES THAT FILLED THE SKY. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THIS WAS GOOD - AND THEY WERE GOOD - THEY WERE AIRBORNE!

GOD THEN SPAKE FORTH UNTO THE LAND AND SAID, "LET THERE BE RANGERS" AND ALL AT ONCE THE DAY TURNED TO DARKNESS AND THE WINDS DID HOWL, MOUNTAINS CRUMBLED INTO THE SEA AND THE GREAT ROCKS DID PART, AND THERE SPRANG FORTH A HOARD OF MEPHISTOPHELES DISCIPLES WEARING RANGER TABS AND CARRYING ALL SORTS OF DEADLY WEAPONS. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THIS WAS BAD - AND THEY WERE BAD - THEY WERE RANGERS!

THEN GOD SPAKE FORTH THRICE - UNTO THE SKY, THE EARTH, AND THE SEA AND SAID, "LET THERE BE SPECIAL FORCES." LIGHTNING DID FLASH AND THUNDER ECHOED ACROSS THE SKY. MOUNTAINS SPEWED MOLTEN ROCK AND RAINED FIRE UPON THE LAND. TIDAL WAVES SURGED AGAINST THE SHORE. DESPAIR, DISORDER AND TURMOIL DID PREVAIL. FORTHWITH, THERE DID APPEAR A BAND OF TWELVE EXTRAORDINARY MEN. A FEW CAME FROM BENEATH THE WAVES, OTHERS JUMPED FROM THE SKY AND STILL MORE SILENTLY STALKED FROM THE DENSE FORESTS. EACH ONE WAS IN CAMOUFLAGE BATTLE DRESS WEARING A RANDALL KNIFE, STAR SAPPHIRE RING, ROLEX WATCH AND A GREEN BERET. WORKING TOGETHER THEY BROUGHT PEACE UNTO THE LAND. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THAT THIS WAS AMAZING - AND THEY WERE AMAZING - THEY WERE SPECIAL FORCES!

BESIDE HIMSELF, GOD NOW SPAKE FORTH AGAIN AND COMMANDED, "LET ALL YE WHO BE WEAK IN MIND AND BODY - ARISE AND GO FORTH" AND LO FROM THE ABYSS THEY CRAWLED WITH INDECISION AND LIMPED WEAKLY UPON THE EARTH. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SHOOK HIS HEAD FOR THIS WAS PATHETIC - THEY WERE PATHETIC - THEY WERE LEGS!

Gravdigr · 10-02-2010, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

And the hippie went into the desert, and the clouds parted, and lo, there was a complete double fucking rainbow.

rAmen.

Great gut-wrenching gouts of wall-shaking laughter, GGWGOWSL.

SteveDallas · 10-02-2010, 07:47 PM

I just remembered this one.

Shawnee123 · 10-02-2010, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Great gut-wrenching gouts of wall-shaking laughter, GGWGOWSL.

Me too!

monster · 10-02-2010, 09:16 PM

lol @ SD's MP

monster · 10-02-2010, 09:22 PM

And the monster wenteth unto the ice rink and was not cold. The monster then wentethed unto a soccer game and her feet froze off. And so did the feet of all the atheists at that game. And they were numberful. They shall freeze in Hell. But monster wentethed to another ice rink and was cleansed of all her whatever. And she could eventually feel her feet again.

09-30-2010, 10:50 AM	#1
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Neat scriptures I'm fakin' http://www.cellar.org/showthread.php?t=16085 And the lord sayeth, whosoever shalt goeth to the tavern shalt not ride upon an ass, for the ass is wobbly and unsure, upon an ass, when one becometh a drunkass. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

10-01-2010, 08:29 AM	#2
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	From the Gospel According to the Ass (Ch 2, V26) And the Savior rode upon my back, and bade me to enter unto Jerusalem. And his buttocks were supple, like unto a baby's buttocks, yet he was not a baby. And he perchedeth upon my back unwobbly, for it was the morn of Palm Sunday, and our Lord drinketh not of the grape prioreth to cocktail hour. __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

10-01-2010, 01:55 PM	#4
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	It ain't even fake: Genesis 1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind...and God saw that it was good. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-01-2010, 02:01 PM	#5
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	from The Book of Gravdigr: And the Gravdigr shalt sojourn to the mountain, And he shall reacheth the top of the mount, meeting the woman there, for she hath reached the top of the mountain afore him. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-01-2010, 02:04 PM	#6
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Also from The Book of Gravdigr: The Little Known 27th Commandment; Whenst havest thou the opportunity, thou shalt doeth the Nasty, and thou shalt doeth the Nasty until thou canst doeth it no longer. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-01-2010, 10:38 AM	#3
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	From the Gospel According to Charlie Drake: And thou shaltst not visit the Financial Aid Office exceptest that thou shaltst consume four beverages of spirits beforehand. For those who work there shalst snark upon thee, and thou willtst not withstand the snark save thou shouldst be plastered too much to notice.

10-01-2010, 08:55 PM	#8
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Oh wow I love you guys! Funny stuff. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

10-01-2010, 09:57 PM	#9
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	And the hippie went into the desert, and the clouds parted, and lo, there was a complete double fucking rainbow. And the lord spake unto the hippie and said unto him "Look here are two arches, each containing one of every color I created. Take these arches and five fishies and two loaves and serve filet-o-fishies to all the queers, for they are the new lepers and they will be healed. rAmen. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-02-2010, 04:03 AM	#10
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	Here's an old military one I'm fond of: ........................................"THE CREATION' AND THE LORD SPAKE FORTH UNTO THE HEAVENS AND SAID, "LET THERE BE AIRBORNE." THE EARTH THEN DID TREMBLE AND QUAKE AND THE WATERS DID RISE UP AND THE CLOUDS DID PART AND THERE CAME FORTH A MULTITUDE OF PARACHUTES THAT FILLED THE SKY. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THIS WAS GOOD - AND THEY WERE GOOD - THEY WERE AIRBORNE! GOD THEN SPAKE FORTH UNTO THE LAND AND SAID, "LET THERE BE RANGERS" AND ALL AT ONCE THE DAY TURNED TO DARKNESS AND THE WINDS DID HOWL, MOUNTAINS CRUMBLED INTO THE SEA AND THE GREAT ROCKS DID PART, AND THERE SPRANG FORTH A HOARD OF MEPHISTOPHELES DISCIPLES WEARING RANGER TABS AND CARRYING ALL SORTS OF DEADLY WEAPONS. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THIS WAS BAD - AND THEY WERE BAD - THEY WERE RANGERS! THEN GOD SPAKE FORTH THRICE - UNTO THE SKY, THE EARTH, AND THE SEA AND SAID, "LET THERE BE SPECIAL FORCES." LIGHTNING DID FLASH AND THUNDER ECHOED ACROSS THE SKY. MOUNTAINS SPEWED MOLTEN ROCK AND RAINED FIRE UPON THE LAND. TIDAL WAVES SURGED AGAINST THE SHORE. DESPAIR, DISORDER AND TURMOIL DID PREVAIL. FORTHWITH, THERE DID APPEAR A BAND OF TWELVE EXTRAORDINARY MEN. A FEW CAME FROM BENEATH THE WAVES, OTHERS JUMPED FROM THE SKY AND STILL MORE SILENTLY STALKED FROM THE DENSE FORESTS. EACH ONE WAS IN CAMOUFLAGE BATTLE DRESS WEARING A RANDALL KNIFE, STAR SAPPHIRE RING, ROLEX WATCH AND A GREEN BERET. WORKING TOGETHER THEY BROUGHT PEACE UNTO THE LAND. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THAT THIS WAS AMAZING - AND THEY WERE AMAZING - THEY WERE SPECIAL FORCES! BESIDE HIMSELF, GOD NOW SPAKE FORTH AGAIN AND COMMANDED, "LET ALL YE WHO BE WEAK IN MIND AND BODY - ARISE AND GO FORTH" AND LO FROM THE ABYSS THEY CRAWLED WITH INDECISION AND LIMPED WEAKLY UPON THE EARTH. GOD LOOKED DOWN AND SHOOK HIS HEAD FOR THIS WAS PATHETIC - THEY WERE PATHETIC - THEY WERE LEGS!

10-02-2010, 07:47 PM	#12
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	I just remembered this one.

10-02-2010, 09:16 PM	#14
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	lol @ SD's MP __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-02-2010, 09:22 PM	#15
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	And the monster wenteth unto the ice rink and was not cold. The monster then wentethed unto a soccer game and her feet froze off. And so did the feet of all the atheists at that game. And they were numberful. They shall freeze in Hell. But monster wentethed to another ice rink and was cleansed of all her whatever. And she could eventually feel her feet again. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

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